How do you begin to move on when you dream about her every night?

[CrazyMiner]

Hi all,

 

Hope everyone has enjoyed the weekend.

 

My partner told me she wanted to separate back in the middle of March this year after an 8 year relationship. Basically it was a case of "I love you but I'm not IN love with you". We tried meeting once a fortnight after that as 'friends' which was great at first and we got on really well but she slowly started to become a bit colder towards me, not calling to arrange meet ups or when she did offering me silly options like going to dinner with her at her grandparents etc (natural ground for her I suppose). I didn't help things by still being in the 'begging' stage I suppose and whenever we spoke on the phone it would usually turn into me asking her to come home (we had just brought a house together) but this just pushed her further away and I think is why she has stopped pursuing the meet ups and also means that I probably messed up any chance of a reconciliation when we were getting on so well at the start of the break up. But, hey ho, I've sent her a NC/LC letter saying that for both our sakes etc we shouldn't be meeting up right now and should only talk 'business' as we are trying to rent the house out.

 

So I suppose my question is in the title. Even after going 2 months of separation I still dream about her most nights, never sexual dream just nice ones, e.g. last night it was about her coming round to what I assume was Sunday dinner, wearing a really nice dress, and she went to kiss me on the cheek as we did when we said goodbye when meeting as friends but she turned and kissed me on the lips. I've also had several dreams in the same night, going from nice memories of us in the past to the present as if we hadn't broken up and then into the future where we are both doing well in our jobs and have kids etc.

 

I've tried thinking about all her bad points, but if I'm honest there weren't many and the ones she did have were pretty insignificant, like moaning about me not doing the washing up. I've ordered a couple of self help books so I'm hoping there might be some nuggets in those.

 

I think I'm still inbetween grieving stages... I was fully expecting to be spending the rest of my life with her and find it really difficult to get angry at her. It is only recently that I have managed to cry properly about the break up, and I think that I was in a state of shock/disbelief for a couple of weeks so wasn't able to grieve earlier. I've even seen a Skype conversation between her and one of her male friends (who she insists is gay and now visits nearly every weekend) where she basically bad mouthed me and was a bit two faced, saying things like " * * * * ! why won't he just leave me alone" and making fun of the letter I'm sending (she doesn't know it is to start NC/LC, she seems to think it contains my 'thoughts and feelings') when two seconds earlier she was on the phone to me saying how well we were getting on at the moment. Even after seeing that two faced situation, I still find it hard to begin the moving on process. I'm pretty sure she is just acting 'big' infront of this guy and maybe saying things that she thinks he wants to hear but it still hurt a bit.

 

I'm socialising a lot more, creating a proper circle of acquaintances which are turning to friends and starting to get back into some sports, which I was hoping would help me move on. But they don't seem to be helping.

 

How do you move on from someone you grew up with (I'm 23 and she is 22 so we dated from a young age), had started to discuss marriage dates and, more informally, childrens names we liked, and were expecting to spend your life with?

[LoveHurts89]

I'm really not sure what to say, except that you're not alone. I dream about S every single night. He broke up with me 9 weeks ago and still, my yearning for him is so intense. I dreamt last night that we were sat on the rooftop restaurant of the hotel we went on holiday to last year, and I said do you regret taking me back, and he said no, I can't believe I was stupid enough to almost lose you. It's heart breaking to wake up to each morning.

 

Like I say, I don't know what to offer in terms of advice. But I hope you come through this a stronger person.

 

Maria x

[boyblue]

Well I think you know there is no easy option, it is going to be difficult to get through this (whatever happens). It sounds like she is pissed at you and maybe having a bit of Grass is Greener syndrome and is taking her anger out by making fun of your letter and basically antagonising you.

 

You should do all you can to remove aspects of her life from yours, you do not want to know what she is doing, what she is saying or thinking so that of course means staying the hell away!

 

You will not get her back in this state, she needs to miss you and you need to drop off the face of the Earth and heal and better yourself, you have drawn the line in the sand with the NC letter and she is probably spooked by it - making fun of it is probably her way of coping with that i.e. acting like it is nothing and it is funny ha ha! - but you are serious and you should now practice what you preach and cut her out of your life completely, you have the power to do that right now, so remove all numbers, previous messages, FB, skype, all and any way she or you can see what each other is doing/saying/thinking etc. and then let her stew!

 

BB

[CrazyMiner]

I'm really not sure what to say, except that you're not alone. I dream about S every single night. He broke up with me 9 weeks ago and still, my yearning for him is so intense. I dreamt last night that we were sat on the rooftop restaurant of the hotel we went on holiday to last year, and I said do you regret taking me back, and he said no, I can't believe I was stupid enough to almost lose you. It's heart breaking to wake up to each morning.

 

Like I say, I don't know what to offer in terms of advice. But I hope you come through this a stronger person.

 

Maria x

 

Thanks Maria. I still wake up each morning as you and find it really hard! Unfortunately I work from home 50% of the week so that also makes it that little bit harder to get out of bed when I don't really have anywhere to go during those days!

 

Oh, I'm in Manchester too, small world!

 

 

Blueboy, I don't think she has actually received the NC letter yet, I posted it late on Wednesday and Friday was a bank holiday where the postal service etc stops so unless it arrived on Thursday then she probably won't get it now until Tuesday (this Monday is also a bank holiday). Plus she lives at a hospital so the staff won't be there to distribute the mail over the weekend. Though, if she has received it, she hasn't said anything and we spoke on the phone on Friday night. I'm almost hoping the NC/LC letter will invoke some sort of response, just to help gauge whether there would possibly be any chance of a reconciliation sometime in the future, though that is not the sole reason I wrote the letter obviously.

[lavenderdove]

You need to really work on aligning your inner thoughts with the reality of the situation. You rationally know she is gone, but emotionally you still want her so your subconscious keeps her alive in your dreams as if she were still with you.

 

So the task is to get her out of your constant thoughts during the day so that you align all parts of your brain with the reality that she is gone. If you can quit thinking about her all day, you'll also quit dreaming about her all night.

 

Google thought stopping and start practicing it. Don't allow yourself to think about or dwell on her for more than 10 minutes morning and night, for a set period of time, and the rest of the day you need to force yourself to do other things and think about other things. Don't let her run amok in your brain and thoughts when she's not in your life anymore.

 

Also, stop spying on her on skype or facebook or anywhere else where you're like a peeping tom trying to see what she's doing. that gives you the illusion of control and connection, but it is really desperate and not real contact, just 'stolen' from her without her awareness or desire to participate in that contact. it is also more likely that what she tells other people about you is truer than what she is telling you right now... she doesn't want to hurt you, but she clearly doesn't want/respect your contact and needs to vent to her friends about it because she wants to get on with her life and wants you to do the same. Most dumpers walk a fine line not wanting to hurt their ex, but also being annoyed that the ex won't respect their decision that is over and stop demanding contact or that they get back together.

 

I know this sounds harsh, but your goal is to get better and feel better, and you won't do that unless you do things that align your thoughts and actions with the fact that she has chosen to leave and not be in a relationship anymore. Continued spying on her when you're awake and obsessive thinking about her or the relationship will just keep her alive in your head and that will flow over into your dreams, when the reality is she is gone and doesn't want to be with you anymore. She doesn't want to be unkind, but she just doesn't want it anymore so is trying to find a way to ease you out of her life.

 

So stop looking at her FB or skype conversations or anything else that is a window into her world, and start practicing thought stopping. If you do, you will find relief, but it requires discipline and toughing it out rather than indulging in fantasies she will be back or that she is still the center of your world when she has chosen not to play that role. The sooner you get control of your thoughts, the sooner you will heal and be on your way to finding someone who does want to be with you as your new partner.

[agenstallodds]

It takes half the time that you were with someone to be totally healed. I was engaged with my ex for four years and we split (dumb reasons). It's now been 16 months and I'm almost there. I can't even explain to you the grieving processes I've been through.

 

My dreams would be every night. Now, they are one every ten days or so. Which means, my body is almost done healing.

 

Good luck with your journey. After 8 years, you're going to be hurting for some time. Be prepared for the roller coaster ride.

[O-shen]

I am also healing from an eight year relationship, though i am sure it wont take 4 years!!! i hope not

Different times for different people i guess. It has been 3 weeks 2moro, and i have had a few dreams involving her, some good, some bad too but. Either way when i wake up i normally feel pretty crappy. I generally take a long shower and compose my thoughts back to what i am aiming towards.

 

Man its hard. You can control what you think when you are awake, but sleeping is another story, and generally, they are the last thing on your mind before you fall asleep, and that doesn't help.

[boyblue]

Blueboy, I don't think she has actually received the NC letter yet, .

 

where she basically bad mouthed me and was a bit two faced, saying things like "* * * * ! why won't he just leave me alone" and making fun of the letter I'm sending (she doesn't know it is to start NC/LC, she seems to think it contains my 'thoughts and feelings')

 

How was she making fun of the letter when she has not got it?

 

BB

[CrazyMiner]

where she basically bad mouthed me and was a bit two faced, saying things like "* * * * ! why won't he just leave me alone" and making fun of the letter I'm sending (she doesn't know it is to start NC/LC, she seems to think it contains my 'thoughts and feelings')

 

How was she making fun of the letter when she has not got it?

 

BB

 

She was making fun of the fact I was going to send her a letter. Unfortunately I had to text her asking for her address at the hospital (room number, block number etc) as I didn't have it and didn't want to send the letter to her grandparents house as her Nan opens all her mail. This text then turned into her phoning multiple times until I answered and I then had to say that I was going to send her a letter with some of my thoughts in (she kept pushing and pushing for a reason). I just left it at that.

[catfeeder]

How did you obtain access to her Skype conversation?

[CrazyMiner]

How did you obtain access to her Skype conversation?

 

This feels a bit like the Spanish inquisition!

 

Basically I turned on my home office computer which I haven't used since we broke up and Skype was set to log in when the computer starts. She had set her password to be remembered and so it signed in.

 

It then proceeded to download about an hour of the conversation from the previous night between her and this 'gay' guy. This is where I saw what she had said.

[PrettyGood]

I dream about my ex almost every night. In my dream we're living together and he's hooking up with another girls by my eyes. He takes them home and I can read his messages when he's writing them about leaving me. I'm devastated in those dreams. Of course there were several dreams where we had sex together, but he ran away after it. Just disappeared in my dream. And even when I wake up in the morning and feel terrible after those dreams - I still lie for several minutes in my bed and think that it's just a dream and it has nothing to do with reality. Even if my ex has another woman at this moment, I can't do anything, because he had already broke with me. So I'm planning my day then and I'm telling myself that these dreams are making my ego and emotional stamina stronger. Now I just try to improve myself and my life that it could be happier and better without him. Because I understand that if you think about your ex too much - it may mean that your personal life isn't very interesting for yourself that you could be happy being yourself.

[catfeeder]

This feels a bit like the Spanish inquisition![…]

 

Yeah, I can see where you'd get that. We just see a lot of partner snooping and ex stalking here, and it speaks volumes about where we should focus our responses.

 

As much as you hate your dreams, I believe they're positive ways we work through stuff--and this view helps me stop torturing myself about them as though they're betraying me. When this kind of disturbance happens in my dreams I consider two things. Either my sleeping mind is doing a lot of work, to the degree that it's 'background processing' is on full throttle and I'm picking that up. Or, this stuff is raised for me to recognize things consciously so I can have my face-off and say buh-bye to them. When I do that, I get surprising relief--but over time, rarely instantly.

 

Two months feels like two years during grief, but it's not realistic to believe that you 'should' be any more healed than you are. I'd reset the Skype thingus to avoid suffering, and although you may not believe your steps toward socializing and sports are helping--they are. When I seek to make progress in healing over anything, not just a breakup, I avoid comparing myself to other people. I keep my focus on small baby steps toward certain goals, so the only comparison that's useful is how much closer I am to those over where I was last week or yesterday.

 

Setbacks are natural and painful and common. It's helpful to know that they don't really set you back, though. Sure, they feel horrible and 'like' you're back at square one, but nothing takes away your progress--it's all cumulative.

 

Head high.

[CrazyMiner]

Thanks everyone. These points really are helping and I'm going to try and address some of the points that have been brought up.

 

Does anyone else have any advice? I'm really struggling at the moment and it sort of makes it worse that she appears to be getting pretty flirty with this guy who she always insisted was gay... I'm having all these pleasant dreams about her and then waking up to the reality that it seems that after an 8 year relationship I have been tossed aside for her to flirt and go out partying all the time.

[catfeeder]

Gay guys are the most fun to flirt with because you can go absolutely bonkers and over the top without concerns about leading him on. Play is play, and if you're observant you'll even notice women flirting with women. It doesn't hold the same implications men would assign to it, that's what makes it 'safe' while being fun as hell.

[CrazyMiner]

Gay guys are the most fun to flirt with because you can go absolutely bonkers and over the top without concerns about leading him on. Play is play, and if you're observant you'll even notice women flirting with women. It doesn't hold the same implications men would assign to it, that's what makes it 'safe' while being fun as hell.

 

True I suppose. I did like the guy and it's a shame that all this has happened and I wasn't able to catch up with him again (I've not seen/talked to him for about 6 years). He was always a bit of a party animal, which may be why she has sort of latched onto him as a bit of a support blanket/keep me busy partying so I don't think about him sort of thing.

 

She should receive my NC/LC letter today and knowing her I'm expecting her to call with some sort of response. Whether right or wrong, I've decided to ask her two questions if/when she does call:

 

 

1) I truly love you, and miss you like crazy every day. Can you ever envisage, and please be honest, a point where we can try dating as the new people that we have become or be in a relationship again? (As a bit of background, whenever we talked shortly after the breakup she would always say that we needed to become new people and then we could potential try dating again in 3/6/12 months time... it has just played on my mind a bit and I just want an honest answer from her).

 

2) Are you and Tom (the supposidly 'gay' guy who she sees pretty much each weekend now and is quite secretive about) an item or dating?

 

 

These are basically the two things that have played on my mind the most. If I can get some honest answers out of her when she has read the NC/LC letter I think it will help a fair bit with my healing process.

 

Is asking these questions a big mistake when the NC/LC letter may have some affect on her? I would love so much for us to get back together, but am worried a bit about how she will react if I aks the questions. However, I also feel that I am sort of entitled to an answer to them so that I can move on myself.

[CrazyMiner]

Anyone have any thoughts? I'm expecting a call over the next hour or so! Starting to freak out a bit really.