When dumpers leave for someone else, can this still be considered as a rebound?

[Destiny2112]

Thanks for all your input!!

 

Whether you consider those situations as rebounds, affairs of GIGS, I don't think a behaviour like that is healthy for the dumper. Apart from the fact that it causes lots of pain for the dumpee as well. Even if dumpers checked out emotionally from their old relationship long before they actually drop the bomb to us dumpees, I'm not sure if they don't have to deal with any pain and don't need to do any more grieving at all anymore after breaking up, when they jump into the arms of someone new. Sure, they have someone new to console them, but isn't it more a way of supressing the old feelings and distracting themselves from feeling any guilt or secondguessing their choice...just by covering everything up by the strong in- love- feeling during the honeymoon phase?! Of course for some people this may work and the new relationship may work out and it is their way of dealing with things and moving on.

 

I've never been in the shoes of a dumper before, but I can imagine that even if I was unhappy and thought of breaking up and playing all the possible scenarios in my head, it's still a different feeling, situation compared to when it's actually done, when you really do the break up. I don't know if I can really explain what I mean... it's just that with other parts in life, when you plan something and think of it over and over again and then when you actually do it, there are always factors, things that you haven't considered, that are/ feel different then you expected, imagined them, that turn out differently than you thought... you know, what I mean? And I think the same goes with feelings and emotions. Of course, if absolutely no more feelings are involved when dumpers leave or when it was an unhealthy relationship, then it might be easier for them to focus on someone new without looking back at all and without real grieving. But then I wonder, why they staying in the old relationship for that long, if they saw absolutely no future with their old partner and if all the feelings for them were long gone...

 

Just my thoughts on this...

[Chadman82]

"A moneky will grab onto a new branch, but will not completley let go of the old branch until it has a firm grip on the new branch"

 

Sad but true

[WildChild]

For me with the LTR (4.5 years), I guess towards the end, the last 2 years, as many times as I tried, I went back out of guilt because he would ask for one more chance, or he would swear up and down he realized his mistakes, or wanted to make changes, or promised me things he knew I felt important of a relationship. I would hold my ground, but he always would cry, which maybe I just didn't realize a good actor when I saw one, but it would make me feel guilty and maybe 'this' time he was being sincere. Although that part of it was during the whole relationship: empty promises that I always believed, even if through hesitancy. It's not that I didn't love him, and I do want his happiness and have told him that. Part of my healing though was knowing Karma always comes around for the way it all went down. And it did, he's now living in what he says 'daily hell with her.' So it might not have been healthy for HIM, but for me this is what needed to happen for it to finally end. There's no going back, and he knows that. Doesn't mean he still doesn't try, because he does. It's just I had enough time to see and realize that even if he was less of a man for all of it, it was a favor to me because like I said before, it finalized things, and a relationship that just wasn't healthy.

[90_hour_sleep]

not sure it constitutes a rebound by default. consider the long-term relationship where one partner checks out months, maybe even years in advance...but for whatever reason the relationship continues. when it finally does end...there's every possibility that the partner who checked out has already healed. really don't think it's anyone's place to suggest otherwise. we all have different definitions of healing...and just because someone moves on relatively fast, it doesn't mean he/she hasn't gone through the process. we all work at our own pace

 

i know of two couples in my own life that are married to ''rebounds''. these are long, relatively happy marriages. they just work well together. really don't see it as entirely plausible to put timelines on another person's healing...or to put one's focus on the hope that a rebound will ultimately end just because from an outside perspective the two people involved aren't ''emotionally ready''. in effect...you're wishing for the unhappiness of a former partner. does that serve a purpose? i think it's natural to feel that at some point...but one inevitably comes to the conclusion that it's not helpful to anyone.

 

all comes back to shifting the focus back to you. there is no control where other people are involved. stick to what you can control.

[90_hour_sleep]

that's the million dollar question.

 

breaking up can be hard. i know...that's a fantastic explanation, isn't it? i think relationships are often precariously perched on some fairly complex dynamics. it can be difficult to find one simple answer as to why things didn't work. i tend to be a linear creature...so i can appreciate the need/desire for that...but is it entirely reasonable to expect a simple answer? if it wasn't working...chances are a huge part of that was reflective of inadequate communication skills...so is there really a point in trying to communicate after the fact if that's the case? seems a bit redundant at that point.

 

i think you're headed in the right direction with your thoughts here. things rarely (if ever) go according to our own idealized plans. relationships are no different.

[WildChild]

This is what I was trying to say in one of my earlier posts, is that often times people checked out a long time before in LTR and have gone through the steps and the process already. They're waiting for the moment, or time. Sometimes people end up staying in the relationship, and just live miserably for the rest of their lives BUT it doesn't disclaim the fact that they had already realized the relationship is 'over.' Nor does it disclaim that people don't look back, once they have taken themselves out of the relationship to realize that they could have done things differently themselves to make the relationship work. BUT, it still goes back that if they aren't happy or it's not feeling right, and it could be about all selfish reasons, but the fact remains the same that if they want to try something different, or be by themselves, or date or not date, or jump right into another relationship, it's what they think is going to make them happy ATM, or for a lifetime. They have to come to any and all realizations on their own, no matter how much someone points things out or tells them what a mistake they are making, they have to know, and feel, and realize it all within themselves before anything will change. If it's pushed, or forced, or made to happen before they do this, the relationship will be doomed if they go back to their exes.

 

That's why it's important for the EX (dumpee) to work on themselves, heal properly, work on things they could have done differently, and not hold onto their ex or the past. Because if they don't let go at all, they have not let go of the hurt if the ex does want to reconcile, and sometimes things are just too big to forgive. But if all they have done is worked on making the ex come back and for all the wrong reasons, and not worked on themselves, there again the relationship will be doomed. It takes BOTH parties to realize, acknowledge, and understand their role in things, and sometime the dumpee could have been perfect, but more than likely then it's a case where they gave too much, sacrificed too much, and probably put up with a lot of crap with their ex during the relationship, and that is where their fault lies. They will need to work on a backbone, and realize it takes two people in a relationship, so maybe next time not give so much of themselves without receiving back what they need and/or deserve, so if it's reconciling with an ex, or a new relationship, they don't follow the same pattern of getting walked all over.

[blackhawks1287]

Epic, thank you...

[ladyninja30]

sad but true indeed chadman, I know the situation all too well right now.

[DreamSeller]

My ex came online last night looking for me. I am the only person on his yahoo list. He told me that he is now having mixed emotions. He spent the day with her and while it was all great, he still questioned himself. He told me that it felt like old times because he used to sit at that very spot (his yard) to chat with me for years. He currently lives 2 minutes away from me right now. I think he is feeling this way because I am leaving and probably will never see him again. He told me that he read the email I sent him at least 10x already, which really surprised me. He tried to explain himself because of some comments I made in the email. I told him that he doesn't need to explain anything. Like I've said before, no matter how "happy" he is trying to force himself to feel with someone new, he will always think about me. Will their relationship work? Who knows. Only time will tell. Will he constantly questioning himself for letting me leave? Yes he will. Especially when things don't go well.

 

Do I think it's a rebound? I really have no clue. There are no hard rules as to what dumpers and dumpees will do after a break up. Everybody is different. I broke it off with him and now he doesn't want to get back with me. So in that sense, I am both a dumper and dumpee. I am not really sure what someone would do in that situation. Any thoughts of this subject?

[pillowtalk]

Regardless of the situation, I think a rebound is something used to not deal with the emotions of a breakup. If someone has reconciled with those feelings long before the breakup and emotionally checked out, a "rebound" may just be a way of not wanting to be alone, not necessarily masking the pain. In general, it's easier for people to just avoid the bad feelings and become involved in another relationship -- this goes for ALL people, just not rebound situation.

 

My ex got into another relationship 1-2 months after breaking up with me. I don't know if he was cheating on me or not, and it doesn't really matter anymore. We've been broken up for 8 months, but for the first 5 months, I do know he missed me and probably thought of me a lot, as evidenced from him random nostalgic texts to me. I have no idea what his relationship with this new girl is like, but I do know that he took her home for the holiday, yet he still contacted me on xmas and NYE to tell me he missed me and couldn't get me out of his mind. Made me feel sorry for his gf.

[DreamSeller]

I think that is what my ex is feeling right now. While he is having fun with her, he still thinks and misses me. At least that's what he told me. Maybe it's a rebound for him. As for me, I've been feeling better after I stopped talking to other guys. All I wanted to do was comparing them to my ex. It is better to work on yourself for the time being and just accept the fact. I think I would be more miserable if I was trying to date someone right away. I guess everyone deals with pain differently.

[pillowtalk]

I think that is what my ex is feeling right now. While he is having fun with her, he still thinks and misses me. At least that's what he told me. Maybe it's a rebound for him. As for me, I've been feeling better after I stopped talking to other guys. All I wanted to do was comparing them to my ex. It is better to work on yourself for the time being and just accept the fact. I think I would be more miserable if I was trying to date someone right away. I guess everyone deals with pain differently.

 

The way I think of it, is would I want to be with someone who still had feelings for an old love? Absolutely not. Not only would i feel shortchanged, it would change my opinion of the strength of the person I was with.

[DreamSeller]

But the thing is that she doesn't know it. He might sit alone and think about it, but while with her, he most certainly wouldn't act that way. I do feel sorry for her though. But you know what though...some people like a challenge, she might think that she can make him forget me. Who knows. It doesn't really matter to me anymore. But I do genuinely believe that he really likes her, but that doesn't mean he is over me, just like I am not over him. I'm just finding ways to deal with it.

[pillowtalk]

But the thing is that she doesn't know it. He might sit alone and think about it, but while with her, he most certainly wouldn't act that way. I do feel sorry for her though. But you know what though...some people like a challenge, she might think that she can make him forget me. Who knows. It doesn't really matter to me anymore. But I do genuinely believe that he really likes her, but that doesn't mean he is over me, just like I am not over him. I'm just finding ways to deal with it.

 

Of course. My ex is off having fun with his new gf and has moved on. But, I know he will never forget me. You never forget someone you were truly in love with, and that to me is a comforting thought.

[DreamSeller]

Why did things end for you if you were truly in love? Things ended for us due to stupid reasons and he always told me that he loved me unconditionally. I don't think he even knows what that means because if he did, he wouldn't make such a big deal of out it. He kept saying that I quit on us because I kicked him out. I could say the same thing about him. I could say that he quit on me when he moved all his stuff out. I just think it is all really childish and a game that I am not in the mood to play. He told me last night that he doesn't know what he is doing anymore. I think he will regret even more once I am no longer here. Now all I need is a new job in a new city. I really just want to pack up my stuff and go now. I'm really sick of this place. I wish I never moved here.

[pillowtalk]

Well, we were long-distance, but didn't start out that way. In the end, I just don't think we were compatible. Communication breakdown. I know we really loved each other, but love doesn't make everything better. Plus, if you don't take care of the love you have, it eventually dies. I don't think he knew how to do that.

[spooky82]

Hope I'm not late to this conversation

 

I have a similar issue going on... My LDR 5 year GF (we are both 29) dumped me on January 15th. Last 3 or 4 months of our relationship were awful, I got desperate bc I noticed she was leaving me for her best friend. It happened to be that her best friend was also in a LDR with another girl, of more than 3 years. They dumped us the same day, and started right away. They are moving incredibly fast. They're now living together (they both lived with their parents yet), and they are going on very well indeed. What is this then? A double rebound combo? Double GIGs? Any similar experience around?

[WildChild]

Hope I'm not late to this conversation

 

I have a similar issue going on... My LDR 5 year GF (we are both 29) dumped me on January 15th. Last 3 or 4 months of our relationship were awful, I got desperate bc I noticed she was leaving me for her best friend. It happened to be that her best friend was also in a LDR with another girl, of more than 3 years. They dumped us the same day, and started right away. They are moving incredibly fast. They're now living together (they both lived with their parents yet), and they are going on very well indeed. What is this then? A double rebound combo? Double GIGs? Any similar experience around?

 

 

Yes, my ex of 4.5 years met a gal who was married, we broke up the same night. That was 2 years ago in July, and they're still together...she divorced, they bought a house, etc. Can't say it's been a 'happily ever after' type of relationship, but they still end up back together after they fight.

[twistedfate]

A rebound is a rebound affair or not. If the person dealt with the pain and the suffering while in the relationship fine, but you can't really do that when you are still seeing the person. I get what you are saying but in no way is this healthy. There's no base to the new relationship, no foundation. You are leaving someone directly for someone else. Rebound or not, it isn't healthy to me. A rebound is when you get out of one relationship and go right to the next. It doesn't matter what you feel or what you have done, technically you were still in a relationship affair or not.

 

 

 

Yeah, which means they needed someone else to move on. Hence the REBOUND.

 

I completely agree. My ex of one year left me for a coworker. She left her husband around the exact same time we broke up. They're both rebounding. Whether or not they spent the last 2 months setting this up or not, I'll never know. But I think they're both rebounding. I chuckle at the thought of what kind of mess is going to happen in this situation. He's depressed and has commitment issues stemming from his divorce 2 years ago. He spent a year with me, we were super happy, but I think it was bad timing. He's not ready for what I'm looking for. Or so he says. Who knows now.

 

She's 3 years younger than him (23) and ditched her husband. Got a boob job on his dime and dumped him-- ran right into the arms of my ex. She has nowhere to stay b/c hubby kicked her out and her family life is in shambles, so she lives with him "temporarily."

 

Dual rebound. Who knows what will happen but this possibly can't work out, right? They're both just too emotionally unstable. Thoughts?

[twistedfate]

Hope I'm not late to this conversation

 

I have a similar issue going on... My LDR 5 year GF (we are both 29) dumped me on January 15th. Last 3 or 4 months of our relationship were awful, I got desperate bc I noticed she was leaving me for her best friend. It happened to be that her best friend was also in a LDR with another girl, of more than 3 years. They dumped us the same day, and started right away. They are moving incredibly fast. They're now living together (they both lived with their parents yet), and they are going on very well indeed. What is this then? A double rebound combo? Double GIGs? Any similar experience around?

 

JUST posted about this, funny enough. Very similar situation in my case. Hopefully someone has input for both of us!

[Sookie]

Just came accross this thread and I think it has some good posts... I'm wondering the same thing though, since my ex left me for a co- worker... my gut feeling tells me, she is not just a rebound... I don't know... I shouldn't care anyways *sigh*

[Snowy]

I think I dated the same person as you. Wow. That's exactly what my ex did. She broke me 2 times, I took her back 2 times, and she broke me again. I believe I will move on now.

[MarnDark]

The dumpers SHOULD give themselves grace periods until their next relationship. The fact is thought that they have indeed romantically checked out by the time they want to end the current relationship.

 

My ex met a guy the week she broke up with me. She said after she did she started to like him, it took about 3 weeks until she started dating him. Now, I have to be alone and live with further pain because I know that she broke my heart twice now. She's talked to me a few times about it now. I just found out on Friday. She can't explain it other than saying it just felt right. In my heart, it feels just like she cheated on me even though she didn't. It's not fair that she gets to be happy and I suffer more from it. Dumpers had every advantage over the dumpee.

 

I don't know why I would still love someone who would treat me like this, but we always want what we can't have.

[endy]

You are looking at this the wrong way my friend. They DO NOT have the advantage over you. They are not dealing with the suffering as you are, which in by all means is not healthy and will come back to haunt them eventually ten fold. You are letting her cause you more pain. You should be NC, and that way the only pain you need to deal with is coming from inside of you. Does it suck? yes, but you'll get through it. Know that you deserve better than that.

 

Know that there's probably a much deeper reason why she is doing this psychologically, and it's because she suffers. Why you still love them is simple, you've been abandoned and you go through a period of withdrawal. Stay NC, don't respond when she breaks NC until you are healed. It's not easy, but it's what should be done in your case. Heal, and better yourself. The truth is that people, events, and places are in our life are for us to experience here and learn. There's a lesson or reason this happened. That's the real knowledge that needs to be taught. Things and people are not in our life for no particular reason. There's always a more enlightened, or deeper reason.

[MarnDark]

Yes, I've never been a believe of fate or any particular type of supernatural force, but all of a sudden I feel like I need to believe in at least fate. She was the same way, but now she is telling me that being with this guy is just "right", the way she explained it sounded similar to the aspect of fate and the way the universe "just works". She isn't dealing with the suffering but she admitted feeling very guilty about the new relationship even going so far as saying "I'm hurting more than you can imagine". Of course, she doesn't feel so much guilty about being with the guy but the fact that she is hurting me. Not even sure why she would go into a relationship then...

 

I had been NC for about 2 weeks when she emailed me to tell me she was dating this new guy. Then we exchanged emails and then she called me about it. Then we texted last night and talked again. I don't know why I did it, there was nothing she could have told me to make me feel better. I realize I need to stop, knowing and doing are sometimes hard to separate and I failed to do. I was surrounded this weekend with people, it was only when I was alone that I responded to her text. I need to stop, I am telling myself that I will stop right now and I plan on keeping it. Today I walked past her while she was sitting down. She was looking the other day, looked a bit distraught. I kept walking but realize how hard this year will be for me.