When dumpers leave for someone else, can this still be considered as a rebound?

[Chadman82]

I know, but part of me feels bad for her. I really cared and loved this woman, and im just so shocked and hurt that she could do this. She told me a month ago she had to move in with her dad again, but now i suspect, that she is moving in with this new guy.Already!!???!

[Lostmysoulmate]

My "rebound" last 4 years and I thought we were going to get married. Recently he left. We were totally in love. The best love you can find, he said it, i said it. People said I was rebounding but i wasnt. I just simply left my ex. I wanted to date someone different that seemed better. He was. Much better. my match to him was 90%

[coin80]

 

He got her back by getting over her. No contact except for getting his mail. She actually texted him because she was feeling "depressed again". They met up for lunch, he kept it friendly and she jumped on it. A week later after she figured everything out they were back together. If she lies, cheats, has not given herself time between relationships you don't want her back. You are getting the same person, but add the cheating and lying to the old relationship.

 

OMG, you sound like my ex's new BF! She left me after a viable 6 yrs ltr. SHE was the one talking about having kids and getting engaged all the time. I then went abroad and into a ldr for 9 months as of Oct 2010 and bang, come end of Jan 2011 she tells me that she had fallen for one of her colleagues at work. No proper closure, no proper good-bye, I have to be with him.

Sole criterion: butterflies. You got to go where you are happy now. Instant gratification. It fits her character I have to say, very short-termist, everything is either black or white. He gives her the daily attention she missed during the ldr and he doesn't have too many professional obligations so he is always available.

 

So here is my question to YOU endy:

From your experience, how did your ex's ex win her back then? (Regardless of whether or not it was foolish of him to take her back, which might well be the case).

 

Sounds like he went NIC rather then NC as he was still receiving his mail through her. Damn I just altered things, so that my mail no longer arrives at her place, she kept forwarding it to me and used it as a pretext to maintain contact and sent me lengthy mails.

 

And then after your honeymoon was over he went LC and started meeting up with her playing the shoulder to cry on?

 

Anything else you could share? I mean, I'm here partly to heal and move on, but really want to learn some tricks as well.

[WildChild]

My "rebound" last 4 years and I thought we were going to get married. Recently he left. We were totally in love. The best love you can find, he said it, i said it. People said I was rebounding but i wasnt. I just simply left my ex. I wanted to date someone different that seemed better. He was. Much better. my match to him was 90%

 

You're saying that you ended your old relationship, but began seeing and dating someone new shortly after or within a 'small' time frame of when the old relationship was done?

[endy]

I think with rebounds, whether you are the dumper or the dumpee, it's about finding happiness and/or replacing a void you feel from the previous relationship. I don't consider it a rebound if the 'new' relationship begins before the old relationship ends, that is an affair, and the 'dumper' checked out long before the old relationship ended. That's not to say that eventually they won't feel remorse or look back at the old relationship and see that things could've worked out, BUT the 'new' relationship began for whatever reason and it was enough to end the old one to begin fully pursuing and being in the 'new' one.

 

A rebound is a rebound affair or not. If the person dealt with the pain and the suffering while in the relationship fine, but you can't really do that when you are still seeing the person. I get what you are saying but in no way is this healthy. There's no base to the new relationship, no foundation. You are leaving someone directly for someone else. Rebound or not, it isn't healthy to me. A rebound is when you get out of one relationship and go right to the next. It doesn't matter what you feel or what you have done, technically you were still in a relationship affair or not.

 

BUT the 'new' relationship began for whatever reason and it was enough to end the old one to begin fully pursuing and being in the 'new' one.

 

Yeah, which means they needed someone else to move on. Hence the REBOUND.

[WildChild]

endy, I have to disagree that a rebound is not necessarily when you get out of one relationship and go right into the next, when it comes to an affair OR if someone is truly miserable enough in their relationship to want it to end. I have been in every scenario. I have been the wife who was cheated on, the GF whose BF began dating someone the very next day of our breakup, I myself met someone within 6 weeks of that breakup, and I'm glad I did because it made me see and realize how miserable I was in that previous relationship, AND how little we were suited for one another...it took meeting another man for me to realize all of it. And I have been a 'rebound' GF. Regardless of emotions or who did what when, when it is an affair, those emotions have already been checked at the door weeks, months, or even years before. They already went through their phases of trying to save a relationship, and only look at their partner as either a thorn in their side, or remorse for the pain they know that they are about to do. Again, the affair starts for whatever reason, BUT they have thought out everything very carefully and they are waiting for the opportune time for the relationship to end. With a rebound, as a dumper, they were no longer happy on whatever level or there was something that was missing in the relationship, so they end it and jump right into another relationship, whether it is because of GIG, or because they want to try something new. Either way, they want whatever it was missing or they felt they were lacking, or if they were miserable in their relationship, they want to find happiness again. As a dumpee, they find relationships to fill the void of a broken relationship so that they feel loved or desired or the need to fill the void of being alone and/or rejected. They want to find the happiness again as well. If it's both the dumper and the dumpee both jumping into relationships, they both ultimately are doing the same thing. No, the dumper hasn't worked through the emotions of the break up, BUT the dumper has put some thought into it already that they weren't happy in the relationship already, and before it ended. It could be big or small, but for whatever reason the relationship needed to end.

 

As hard as it is for people to accept, is whether it is an affair or a rebound that the 'other person' is in, there is the chance that they did meet someone they will spend their life with. A person never knows what really goes on in someone elses head, so they could have lived miserable for a long time and needed a reason to get out, and incentive. And if the right person comes around, that is enough for them to leave. You can't underestimate people's thoughts or feelings, just because it's 'they jumped in so quickly'...well, it may seem like that, and yes they did, but if they aren't happy in the relationship they were in or the person they were with, you can be dang certain they know exactly what it is they want and need, and again when someone comes along that will fill that for them to be happy, they will jump at it.

 

What it all boils down to, is thinking and wanting and needing to feel happiness within themselves and in their OWN lives, heart, and mind.

[WildChild]

I should add, with the BF who jumped in the next day, I had been horribly miserable for years. We'd break up, and get back together. I could never work up the nerve to end it completely, but before we broke up the final time, I had vowed to myself a few weeks before I was going to put 100% back into the relationship as one last chance in my mind. So when he told me that night he was going to go to her, I told him to and I ended it. I was broken and pissed, because I knew what I had promised myself weeks beforehand. BUT, when I met this guy within six weeks of the BU, THAT is what it took for me to remember how miserable I was, and it was only my ego that was bruised. It took meeting this man for me to see how good men are and act. I actually have thanked the ex for doing what he did, because it ended something that needed to be ended years before it did.

[Chadman82]

You need to grieve after a relatoinship that went bad, I dont care what the reason was, If you need to meet someone else to realize that you were not happy in your last realtionship, this is a rebound!!! Period! The only reason you are realizing that you were not happy in the prior relationship is because you have this new person and it is all new and exciting. They have not had the proper time to be alone and find what makes them happy for them self! Jumping from relationship to relationship is wrong! Regardeless of the circumstances! It will catch up with you one day, Might not be next month, or even next year! But eventually you will be just as unhappy as you were in your prior relationship.

[WildChild]

You need to grieve after a relatoinship that went bad, I dont care what the reason was, If you need to meet someone else to realize that you were not happy in your last realtionship, this is a rebound!!! Period! The only reason you are realizing that you were not happy in the prior relationship is because you have this new person and it is all new and exciting. They have not had the proper time to be alone and find what makes them happy for them self! Jumping from relationship to relationship is wrong! Regardeless of the circumstances! It will catch up with you one day, Might not be next month, or even next year! But eventually you will be just as unhappy as you were in your prior relationship.

 

First of all, I'm not saying that people don't need to take time away from their relationships. But second of all, your post is you reflecting your anger back because you feel your ex is in a rebound. You have no idea if she is or not, you just want to believe she is because you are in denial of the breakup. Period.

 

If you read anything that I wrote, I have been on the 'receiving' end of most of the finalities of each one of these kind of break ups/relationships. I have lived, breathed, cried, and begged within my heart, soul, and mind both to myself and to them. The fact of the matter remains exactly what it is, is if they are NOT happy with the person they are with or if they are NOT happy in the relationship, there has ALREADY been the reflecting within THEMSELVES of what they need to be happy in their OWN life, in their OWN head, in their OWN heart. Whether it's to stay and work things out, end it to be alone, meet someone new who will give them what it is they're looking for, or jump right in. You do not know that their 'healing' didn't already take place while they were already in the old relationship...THAT'S what you have to just stop assuming, because AGAIN no one ever truly knows what goes on in someone elses HEAD AND HEART. It doesn't make it right, but that is the cold hard harsh reality of it all. You are on the receiving end of your BU, and your ex made it clear in HER head you two were done back in January. You only now are coming to the realizations, the cold hard realizations of what she felt and needed to do back then. Quit trying to fool yourself, and quit trying to make this about anything more than what it wasn't. You two fought like cat and dogs, you admittedly have said that you would say nasty and hurtful things to her, and she would right back. She wasn't happy with you. You need to accept YOUR role in the demise of your relationship, and ACCEPT that she is trying to find happiness elsewhere because you weren't making her happy. Right now you're mad and angry because she may or may not have had an affair or was cheating? That meant she checked out on you already when you two were together, and she ended it for good.

 

All of this ^^ is coming from someone, again, ME, who knows and feels and sees exactly how everyone of these scenarios come about, and whether they work or don't work. At the end of the day, it is about the OTHER person, and it's for US to accept there isn't anything we can do but accept that it takes for them to come to the realizations on their own, and that's IF they do. Because they may not. OR they may come to the realizations it was a mistake, or not a mistake, BUT it's THEIR choice at the end of the day to either make or break a relationship.

[WildChild]

And one more thing to add ChadMan82, the last relationship I was in? I was the rebound. I was the 'girl' who was picked to help get over an ex. So believe me, I know how much it hurts to know I basically was used, and not knowing much of anything was ever the truth. But the difference is, is I also know where he was coming from and why he did it. Does it make it right? Nope. But he was trying to find happiness in HIS life again because he was dumped. So before you go off again, on how wrong and that this or that needs to be done, just know I clearly DO know and I just might now what the hell I'm talking about

[coin80]

Bump. Would really be interested to know.

[Lostmysoulmate]

yes normally i would takes months and months and months to heal myself. I was hanging out with friends. I was cold a long time before my relationship ended. I was broken up long before that.

[Lostmysoulmate]

i really like your posts

[DreamSeller]

WildChild,

 

I agree with you 100%. I was in a relationship for 3 years. It was a long distance relationship because I was away for grad school. While at school, I met someone else and we were just friends. I never even knew he liked me and I never liked him, but for some strange reason, we talked so much every day. We complained mostly about our professors and exams. I never asked him how his weekends were and he never asked about mine. Sunday night came, we would resume our conversation from Friday as if the weekend didn't even exist. I never told him I had a bf. He never asked if I did. We NEVER hung out outside of classroom. We only chat on yahoo. It was a really strange relationship that went on for 2+ years. The thought of me and him together never crossed my mind until one day, he confessed his love to him. That was when I told him I had a bf. He was depressed and I felt weird. His friends hooked him up on dates but all he could think about was me. I told my bf at the time about it. He didn't tell me to stop talking to that guy because he trusted me. Little by little, I found more problems in my relationship and I found myself liking the idea of being with this friend more because of all the things he promised me. How being with him would be so much better and he is the perfect one for me. I moved back home that winter and I stayed with my boyfriend for almost 6 months. The friend thought I was staying with my parents. He never asked, I never told him, but eventually I told him. While I was staying with the boyfriend, more problems came up, everything he did for me, I found annoying. I don't think the boyfriend changed, but my attitude changed because I wanted to find problems in my current relationship to justify me ending it. I eventually broke it off with him. He cried and I felt so guilty. The boyfriend gave me back my stuff and never really contacted me again.

 

I hooked up with the friend right away and things were so great, but while with him, I kept comparing him with my ex. I kept questioning myself if I made the right choice. Every time the friend did something that I didn't like, I got so mad right away because I was comparing him to my ex. I moved to his city and we moved in together. The relationship just happened so quickly. We lived together for about 6 months and I kicked him out because I was unhappy. After that, I tried to make things work again, but he was being stubborn. There were days that he wanted things to work, but then there were days that he was done with me. It really confused me because he kept telling me that he could not imagine his life without me, that it would be impossible to replace me, and that if things ended, he would never be with anyone else. Well, 3 months after we broke up...he is dating someone else. It's not just anyone else, it's a girl that he used to love when he was just a teenager, but he couldn't pursue the relationship because her family is extremely religious. He thanked me for changing him, for making him more open minded to allow him to do something that he never thought he could or would do. So yes, it hurts like hell ever since I found out which was 3 days ago.

 

All my friends keep telling me to move because there is nothing left here for me. I told them that I have professional responsibility and I can't just let my personal life affect my professional life, but I think the truth was that I didn't want to let go of the relationship. The next day, I came to work and there was an email sent out to everyone that a certain # of people have to be laid off. If I volunteer, I get a severance package. I take it as a sign from God.

 

To get back to the topic...YES, I cheated on my boyfriend of 3-year EMOTIONALLY with this friend. I did look back whenever things were bad and compared. The relationship with the friend didn't last long because he wasn't the right one for me. That's why it took me 2.5 years to finally date him because he just wasn't the right one, but he kept promising me the moon that I eventually caved. Now that I see him dating someone else, and suddenly he is my everything.

 

So if I never talked to this friend, would my relationship with my ex work? That question remains unanswered. He now has a girlfriend of 8 months and I am extremely happy for him. I do not want to get back with him at all. I think I really fell out of love and was just waiting for the right opportunity to take it. But if the friend was never in the picture, would I try harder to make things work? We will never know now.

 

As far as the friend goes, the relationship he is in now is probably really wonderful since she was his "first" love, the love that he never got the courage to pursue is now within his reach. Is it a rebound? I don't know. But I do know that having her in his life is what makes him get over the breakup so easily. Do I think their relationship will last? It's hard for me to tell now. Just like I thought my relationship with him would last forever and here we are.

 

As I am writing this, analyzing the situation, I do feel a lot better. Today, I wasn't feeling good at all because I was thinking of all the "great memories", but while typing this all out and realizing it, it makes me feel a whole lot better.

 

I do believe that while being with her, he will miss me, especially if I move away. I will then be out of his reach and when problems come up, he will think of me. It's just human nature. Maybe one day, he will even want to get back, but I know that if that day ever comes, I won't be feeling the same anymore. As much as it hurts right now, I know I will get over it.

 

I am currently talking to this guy. He is "perfect", but the more I talk to him, the more I miss that "friend". It makes me realize that no matter who I talk to now, I am going to compare and it is just going to make me more depressed. What I need to do now is focus on myself. I even ignore this "perfect" guy because I know he is not the right one for me and if I jump into a relationship with him, it will inevitably fail.

 

I think what I am missing now is having someone who I can talk to, someone who "gets" me. This friend really got me. He got all my jokes and I got all his. With just a look, he would know what I was thinking. I think that's why it's been so hard for me because he was a really big part of my life. A best friend that I used to share everything with. Now suddenly, I didn't just lose a lover, I also lost a best friend. I've decided that I will not jump into another relationship. The right guy will come when the time is right.

[endy]

Wild Child, I understand your point of view completely. I think yes in some circumstances you are correct (first post). Second post is definitely correct. Rebound or affair regardless, they made a choice, and that choice was to leave. The problem that I have is someone is jumping into another relationship to feel happiness. Why do you need someone else to feel happiness. You're using that person to make you feel happy? Shouldn't you be able to do that on your own. That's my belief. I don't NEED someone to make me happy, because I'm happy myself. I would rather have someone compliment me. Either way an affair or a rebound to me is not healthy. In my case I know damn well I was a rebound. She insisted that I wasn't. I'm not sure why she went back to him GIG with me or not it doesn't matter to me. I was basically used, and she brought all her * * * * from the past relationship into ours. In my situation I was a rebound. Hell sometimes Rebounds or affairs work out. Usually though they don't and that's my point. Regardless of if you consider it a rebound or not WC is right. THEY made the choice to LEAVE. That decision is final and you just need to worry about yourself at that point.

 

Which is basically what I'm doing. Most people run from relationship to relationship. Most people in my opinion have an IDEA what love is but don't get it. going out for the night.

[mad rabbits]

If someone leaves for someone else, that's not a rebound. A rebound means you are blocking out the pain of the break up by hooking up with someone else. When someone dumps you for someone else they aren't feeling any pain from the break up because they have already checked out. The partner effectively cushions the blow of the break up for them because they are still "there" while the other person is checking out, and sorting out their new arrangement with the new person. So really they never have to deal with anything, its a great deal for them.

 

Oh, and they do work out, I can tell you first hand. My ex fiance left for someone else (well, he forced me to dump him by being a jerk but really he dumped me from the larger perspective) and many years later they are married with a kid and going strong. I hear from friends how he is "finally at peace with himself" LOL

[endy]

Really? Then why did my ex leave her ex for me, was in the in love stage to avoid all pain. Because trust me I know there was pain from her, but not when she was with me physically... Then went back 7 months later after a misscarriage. Was I not a rebound? I'm sure I was. Everyone has their own opinion, but it depends on the dumpers mindset to me. She had been checked out of the relationship for a year.

[WildChild]

I think you may have been endy, but the one thing though too is that she already had an emotional connection with you, you were already seeing her before she broke up with him the 1st time, even though there was nothing physical that went on with you two until she did break it off. She may have had the GIG syndrom, which I can't say is any better feeling. I guess I've just always viewed a rebound as something you begin after a relationship ENDS and seek out a relationship in order to move past the old one. It doesn't matter the length of time it's been in between relationships, BUT the emotional state when beginning a new relationship after the old one has ended.

[ladyninja30]

Every relationship is different and this could be. In my case she left the guy for me. I don't care who you are, you don't get over a relationship in a month. If they are sure they want to move on fine, but if they leave you for someone else to me it's not healthy and it's still a rebound usually.

 

My ex had the other woman right there underneath my nose. He changed his relationship status to being in a relationship with her within a week after he left me. I still wonder if I was a rebound, seeing as he's been with this new * * * * * for almost a year now and he only stayed with me 8 months.

[DreamSeller]

Sorry for being dumb, but what is GIG. I've been trying to figure it out, but I have no clue Still new to this whole mess.

[WildChild]

GIGs= Grass is Greener (syndrome)

[DreamSeller]

Oh I've definitely been through that before. I've had GIG syndrome, but I never looked back and thought..hmm..it wasn't greener. I always thought it was a different kind of grass, if that makes any sense

[WildChild]

Oh I've definitely been through that before. I've had GIG syndrome, but I never looked back and thought..hmm..it wasn't greener. I always thought it was a different kind of grass, if that makes any sense

 

Hmmm, not sure that it does...give an example LOL

[DreamSeller]

I guess I never really looked back and wished I had stayed with the other person. I do look back and wonder sometimes if things would have worked out if there wasn't someone else in the picture. I dont necessarily think one is better than the other, but that one is different from the other. Sometimes different might work, and sometimes not. In this case, didn't work out. I don't know if that makes any sense..haha..sorry...I've been pretty unstable lately.

[WildChild]

I get what you're saying now. And I agree, I don't know that just if someone has GIGs that it means they do go back to their exes, I think they just see something accross the fence they want to take a chew on. Same with rebounds, if someone rebounds after a rel, it doesn't always mean they go back to their exes once they realize they're aren't past their previous rel.