boyfriend always feels guilty in our relationship

[athena3]

Hi all,

 

I have a problem and it's making me feel very anxious. I've had past posts about this bf, so I'll explain briefly our history. We've been going out for a bit over 2 years, while I"m doing my Masters and he's doing his PhD. During this whole time, my bf has had to go back and forth to Japan (halfway around the world) maybe half a dozen or more times...so we have been in long-distance for about a year added up. I really love him and enjoy his company a lot...and he's very good to me, though work has been taking up more and more of his time...

 

so in the beginning of the relationship, I admit, I was very insecure and I always made my bf feel guilty for not spending time with me, I was clingy and didn't give him much space....we ended up going through 2 breakups, a lot of really good times and some really bad ones too...during this time, I went to see therapy, I read up on the internet and slowly changed a lot of my habitual negative thought processes and tried to overall be a better person and a better gf.

 

Our relationship progressed to us living together now, while he is still in the same city, and we have always talked about our future.

 

Now, I feel like I am in a better place, my friends and family see the difference too, they tell me I am more confident and I feel it too. I have also let my bf have more freedom, tried my best to not make him feel guilty for working a lot or travelling (he works from when he wakes up to when he sleeps) or going out....though I am definitely not perfect and I do get upset at times and bring it up to him.

 

Now we just got into another fight revolving around this issue, and he told me he wants a break...a 5 month break, which is convenient because he'll be going to Japan soon and I'll be going to South Africa...for collectively 5 months. He said he can't shake the feeling of being guilty for wanting to do his own stuff. He said he's felt guilty since being with me for working so much, travelling, etc...and even though he knows that I am different now, he can't shake the preconception he has of me. No matter how happy he is with me or how he can see I've changed, he still feels the underlying guilt, and it's perpetuated by the times I do get upset now (even if it's valid). My dilemma is I don't know what to do. He says he wants the break...a time to not be with me, so that he can recognize the new me and forget the old image he has of me.

 

So far I have been trying to convince him otherwise. I know he really means it when it's just 'a break'...through all the ups and downs, he's always said that he wants to be with me forever, just now is not a good time. He is not perfect either, in fights he is very vengeful and angry, he swears and belittles me and takes back everything nice he's said during the good times. So I'm not sure what to do, whether to just let go and go on a break (2 weeks before he leaves and we're apart for FIVE months), or to fight through this, knowing that it is worth it. I know...I'm rambling. But I feel like after all the effort we've put into staying together and working through the bad times, multiple breakups, is this the best route for two people who really love each other but have such conflicts?

 

Any opinions/advice/questions would be greatly appreciated.

[annie24]

He says he wants the break...a time to not be with me, so that he can recognize the new me and forget the old image he has of me.

 

If he wants a break, that means a breakup for 5 months while he can chase around all the Japanese girls he wants, guilt free. However, you might meet your new love in South Africa. he seems to want to take the 'break' with the understanding that you two will get back together, which is selfish, imho. you might spend 5 months there and get a new perspective on life, one that he is not part of. i think just cut him out for good.

[athena3]

I'm not sure that's his intention. He'll be working up in some pretty isolated mountains (abandoned mining area)....and he has a lot of shifts to do for his work there. He just won a major scholarship here, and I think there is a lot of pressure for him to excel at his PhD. I am mainly going to South Africa to travel around before I settle into adult life and full time work. I do agree...it is selfish, and he knows that he is being selfish...but I'm not sure I want to cut him out for good. He is at a time in his life where on some level he shoudl be selfish, and focussing on his career and academics. I just always thought, we'd get through this 'storm' together.

[lavenderdove]

Nah, it's all too convenient. He's in Japan for 5 months without you, so wants to keep his options open and not be accountable to you while he's there. So he wants to think about other things rather than the relationship, and see other people if the opportunity arises.

 

It also could be a smokescreen for the 'slow' dump, where he tells you it's for 5 months only, then disappears, and at the end of 5 months he hopes you've adjusted to his absence and tells you it's a permanent breakup.

 

I don't believe in breaks like this... you're either together and working the relationship, even if you're not in the same place, or you acknowledge you dont' want to be committed to each other and the relationship isn't working.

 

You can always say, sure, we're on break, but recognize that this might be the prelude to a breakup, so live your life during those 5 months without 'waiting' for him. I would guess that is exactly what he is doing, leaving his options open and he may or may not want to get back with you when the 5 months ends depending on how he feels then.

[itsallgrand]

Two years minus all the time you say he is working, overseas, and two breakups already. And now he wants a 5 month break. And he is guilt ridden.

 

Are you sure you were as clingy as he led you to believe? It's not wrong to want some time with your bf. If he is working day and night, all the time, as you put it, then when do you ever get to see him? When is he ever there for the important things in your life?

 

Sometimes relationships work for us in one phase of life but not in another. I have an idea this might be one of those. It somewhat worked when both of you have been swamped with school, in that you both care about each other etc. and the convenience of it. You are going to say no it wasn't conveinient, but imagine you or him trying to date while in schoool. There is some conv. in having someone when you are super busy.

 

I agree with lavenderdove.

 

HIs guilt is not a reason to break or bail, or need to see a new you, and if the case is that he wants space to be by himself and work on himself or play around - he could have at least been honest about that. I don't like how he threw it on you and his supposed image of you.

[athena3]

I agree, I don't believe in breaks either, but what do you do when you love your boyfriend and want things to work. It is my fault for making him feel guilty about doing his own thing, I can accept that....and I can understand that he still feels guilty even when I am not really making him feel guilty. Trust me, all my past relationships have had the same problem, exes have told me that I make them feel guilty for having a life. It's only been in this relationship that I've worked on it and slowly am becoming better. So I do think I was as clingy as he led me to believe...at least in the beginning.

 

Now it's all kind of messy. I do want more time with my bf, and I think it is reasonable at times, but he doesn't see it that way because he thinks back to all the time he sacrificed for me, and now I'm just asking for more.

 

We actually live together now, it was his idea that we move in together so that we have more time to be together. He's also taken me on multiple trips because of his conferences and work like India, Chicago, and Japan, and he subsidized all those trips and more...so I know he is trying. I don't want to make him sound like a bad guy as you guys might all think, he has treated me really well. We actually went to India for 3 weeks in March, and I know that was really taxing on his time, but he did it to make me happy.

 

He also tells me to just be happy with him, and when I'm not happy with him then he's not happy. And if I love him, shouldn't I just be happy and appreciate the time I do get to spend with him, rather than getting upset over how little the time is? So I do see his side, and I know that I get negative. He's given me chances before to just be happy with our relationship, but we still end up fighting on average once a week.

 

I do see your point, I know the guilt isn't my fault, he has even said it himself. He knows he isn't the greatest boyfriend and that he doesn't treat me well at times, and that feedds into his guilt. I do think he wants these months to spend time by himself and focus on his work, so I agree with the part where he shouldn't bbe throwing the blame on me, he's really good at doing that. He is really only going for 2.5 months from May to July, but it was my decision to go to SA for 3 months from July to August.