Hope or no Hope

[k33]

that would be awesome....Men cooking is so sexy. Make her favorite, have her favorite flowers and play some cool, not hokey music. Buena vista social club is good... Go for it!!

 

If she is anything like me she will melt completely. GREAT IDEA... let me know what happens.

 

Play a little hard to get though, don't melt into her... cause take it from me, that can mess things up....

 

Let me know what happens tomorrow!!! Go Orex... I am so proud of you, I wish all men were like you!!!!

[Orex]

Thanks for the kind words K33, I'll get onto it , just hope I dont burn the house down

 

 

I guess I'd have to play hard to get or rather just not act the way we used to beacuse I dont think I'd get anything in return anyway and that'd hurt.

 

Wish me luck

[k33]

Oooh what happened????

[Orex]

Hello, Well she came home from and woerk and I had her a meal ready, she seemd kinda surprised , altough she didnt say much whilst we were eating I think she appreciated it.

 

She brought up the Cinema on Saturday and she said that she would have to say no , has she dosent feel ready yet, to which I replied ok thats fine I understand...to which she added " maybe soon".

 

She mentioned that I had lost weight and had some small talk which she finished by saying " I'm not promising anything"

 

So I guess I'm still stuck in limbo but it seemed a little positive .

 

Any thoughts?

[k33]

OH MY GOD, your girlfriend is my husband... That was the reason we broke up!

 

The timing's the same the limbo's the same. Freaking nuts. Well it's positive that she said maybe soon, and not positive that she said I'm not promising anything.

 

The dinner was a great move. Actions were speaking way louder than words, and if you didn't really cook before it is a sign of change, without you telling her. So she must be thinking about that. And the fact that you have lost weight, probably makes her wonder.

 

I think it is positive overall, baby steps, but doesn't it make you crazy that you have to do this weird dance with someone you were so intimately involved with 2 months ago??? I mean I was married, you were together with kids... UGH!!!

 

Keep it up you are doing the best things, not pushing and showing her instead of saying it, because words can be hollow.

[Orex]

yeah crazy is the right word, been with her for ten years and now she seems a stranger whilst I find myself being more like myself, if you know what I mean.

 

I know not to push the point on taking her out or spending time with her but ant advice when I should approach her again or should I let her bring it up?

[Orex]

Anyone?

[k33]

dude I don't know. Was supposed to go out with mine yesterday and he flaked, called me up an said he doesn't ever want to speak to me again... It's a lose lose situation....

 

talked to him today and he was niceer, but not much. I don't know if I want his sorry butt back...

[Orex]

Sorry to hear that K33. your ex does sound like my ex. I'ts this kind of behavior that as me confused , were supposed to trying again kinda but yet not spent any time together. I'm really at a loss at what to do.

[lisaria]

Hey Orex,

Good God Man!!! No wonder you're confused!!!

When my ex-husband and I split we had been together ten years. I did things that I thought were being nice and trying to make it easier on him (I left him). Well it wasn't. It simply put him where you are now. I am not saying your ex is like me, I don't really know. But it sounds very very wishy washy and flaky and that perhaps she is doing this to make it easier on you and just doesn't realize how much it will hurt you in the long run. Not to mention keeping you confused and wondering and worrying.

 

I'm sure she still has feelings for you, how can she not? You guys were together a long time. But that doesn't mean she wants to live with you again. If she won't go to counseling with you then you go by yourself. Do it for you and your kids, not for her.

 

If she really wants to work on the two of you then she has to be there physically. She has to find the time to be with you. Alone. But first, find a babysitter, sit down and tell her how you feel. If she is so sure it's not going to work then start distancing yourself from her. It is very hard because you have kids, but you have to pull yourself together. You can't do that if you are constantly wondering and worrying about whether or not she is really going to be there for you and them. Tell her to get off the fence and either be with you or not. Just let you know one way or the other. It's not fair to you or the kids to be in limbo all the time.

 

If she has made up her mind that she wants to be gone then none of the nice things you do will change the way she feels. You know how that works, I'm sure you've done that. We all have. You decide on something and come hell or high water you are not going to change your mind. I think that is how many of our exes look at us now. They have decided there is something better out there and you're history. Get over it. Then they are out the door and seem very happy, secure, and usually with someone else within a very short period of time. While we are left wondering why and trying to pick up the pieces of our shattered lives. But pick up the pieces we do and we usually are much wiser, stronger and better off without them. Although we can't see that in the beginning.

 

Anyway....I really hope things work out for the two of you. But it will be very hard work and you both will have to be committed 100%. Good luck.

lisaria

[Orex]

Hi lisaria,

Man this week's been tough spent a lot of time on my own kinda just to get used to it and see these feelings through. Seen the ex today and we took the kids out and she thanked me for a good time.

 

I'm not sure if shes being wishy washy, she actually seems more down than I am ( says she cant sleep ) and i tried to cheer her up ( and I think I did when I slipped and landing on my back =D).

 

I've not mentioned the relationship at all but she mentioned something on wed about that we will talk again. Do you think it wise for me to mention it or leave up to her?

 

So I guess that still leaves me in the same place but I'm trying to move on hard as it is.

[lisaria]

Hi Orex,

You sound a little better, I hope you are.

I would definitely leave it up to her. Go out with her as though it were a date. Nothing heavy, just a casual date. I would have loved for my ex-hubby to do that after we split. If he had, I would probably not be here. What a long story it's been. Sigh.

Have fun and I'm glad you cheered her up. A little more of that and things may go smoother. I sure hope so.

Good luck.

[Orex]

lisaria thanks for your reply

 

I'm feeling a little better although i have my bad days, in fact had a row with my ex this week and to cut a long story she said that shed only been doing things for the kids sake and that she dosent love me.

 

My response was to say " fine then we wont continue to be friends as this is hurting me to much" to which she replied " we will talk on saturday".

 

question is if shes made her mind up why talk on sat?

[Orex]

well today I found out me and my ex are no more. After ten years the pain i feel at this moment is overwhelming. I told her that I like to be friends and that i will drop the subject of us. ( i went to shake her hand but she kinda held it a give me a goodbye smile)

 

 

I kinda feel now that I need to move on for my own health and i weill make steps to do so even though this is so hard.

 

looking back we never ever got a chance to explore are problems or attempt to overcome them, i think shes just had enough of trying.

 

says she dosent love me and that itll never come back .

 

I asked her if I could take her out on her birthday which isnt till mid Nov and she said " I dont see why not" , emotions are up in the air atm so should i see this a maybe some hope, thing is were not even really at the friend level and thers a lot of hurt, anger and distrust on both sides.

 

anyone got any similar experiance's?

 

any advcie woud be good thanks

[Clarabelle]

Orex, I an also going thru a separation with kids, so the first thing I thought as I was reading the first posts is that your wife is acting this way for your children's well-being. Her hesitancy and seeming mixed signals is her wanting to remain friendly with you so that your children see you acting friendly with eachother and aren't upset by the break-up. When I got to your last post, my suspicions were confirmed. I have been going through something similar with my husband and have asked him (today) for a separation agreement so that we don't have this ambiguity hanging over us. I would rather have set rules than have him calling me all the time to supposedly make arrangements, because he only takes care of our daughter at my place 3x a week and only til 9pm - doesn't leave much room for a fulfilling newly single life, does it? I know if there is any chance of reconciliation (which for me seems unlikely), a separation agreement is easily overturned. Why don't you ask for one too, and get on with your life? She has let you know very clearly she cannot continue with you. I know it hurts, but your children need you to be happy, strong and self-reliant.

[Shizzle]

dude, sorry i replied to this very early on in the thread, i thought you might have worked it out too,

 

oh well good luck with other ladies you sound like a very genuine man

[Orex]

Thanks to all the people who replied and are helping me through a difficult time. I've decided to move on but was just wondering wether to give up hope as well?

 

I kind of feel that there was 1000's of questions unanswered and Im trying to put them out of my mind.

 

What I hate about this is that it comes in waves , I'll be ok for a while and this aweful feeling of doom just grips me and i cant seem the shake it.

 

Any advice on wether i should take her out on her birthday that she agreed to in nov? why would she agree? shes kinda being cold and of hand with me atm.

[edougale]

Orex.. I just wanted to write and say I feel your pain. I also am wanting to get back with an ex I have been with for over 10 yrs but separated from from over a year. He is seeing someone else right now. I keep telling myself also that there is hope but I am sure it is a false hope. I have been told on this board to leave him alone and I think that is the best advice but I live in gloom all the time. Try to go on with life but it is getting the best of me.

 

As far as you calling her to take her out on her birthday, Nov. is a long way off. Alot can happen between now and then. Just take it a day at a time for now. She could have a complete change of heart by then or even have moved on to someone else. Who knows. There is not much we can do. Sometimes I wish we could will them to change. Only time will tell.

 

Keep us posted.

[Orex]

Thanks edougale for you reply.

 

Well ex went away on friday and this is the longest Ive not seen her, I have to see her each day. On Friday when I last seen her i acted aloof with her ( which I kinda regret), I was pleasant,but short. ( I even got a smile of her first one in 3 months)

 

 

Thing is how do I act around her. Aloof,do more things for her??

 

Im angry at the moment at her and myself and it' hard to supress that , although I know I have to.

 

anyone have any advice?

[Orex]

well just thought I'd update things.

 

Ex got back of her break and things seemed to be going ok , I'd stopped asking her about 'us' as Id decided to leave it and things seemed better ( better for me as well) and she had even agreed to go see a movie with me as friends.

 

But had a disagreement about the children today, which in turn turned into a huge argument,and totally got of the topic and diffrent things were said.

 

One of the things she shouted at me was that part of her hates me even though she cares for me, as ive noticed she is still very angry and totally cold towards me.

 

I just feel that this a set me back a little as I poured some of my feelings out to her in the argument, and she made it quite clear that there was no chance of there being a us.

 

She left mid argument, but phoned me later and kind of apoligised as did I,and she ended the conversation by saying that shed keep a open mind about us...

 

Dunno what to think or do now, were both angry at the moment which dosent help and with have to see each other each day.

[Orex]

any advice would be good as i just dont know what to do now

[Orex]

Spoke to my ex tonight she is still angry says she dosent trust me, part of her hates me, and she feels that I may change but soon slip back into the old ways .

 

Spoke a little more and she asked me what i wanted from her I replied that Id just like to try to get to know each other again and try and at least spend some time together"

 

Her reply was that she would think about it .

 

Now Im confused again, why would she say that if she said all those negative things as well....is she hoping to see the changes and that they last?

[Shizzle]

well, to be honets orex, move on, i know you love her, but its not worth puttin ya self through all this emotinal crap, move on, i have i split with my girl 2 weeks ago, sure am gutted, but lifes to short, "live for the moment"

[Orex]

Of course your right S4d and in many ways I have, some I havnet but I know I will in time..

 

But do i give up hope?

[sickofbeingsad]

My ex GF says she wont try to work on anything because she says she dosent know what she wants. She calls blocks her number and hangs up on me. She is 29 and is acting like a child. So 10 months later we are still loving and missing each other because she wont let go of the past. She wont go to counsiling, sit down and talk with me or anything. Seems like she wants to either act like nothing happened or wait out her feelings and move on. I dont know what to think.