Hope or no Hope

[Orex]

Hello all, Cant seem to think straight at the moment so in need of some advice please.

 

Me and my girlfriend of 10 years split about a month and half ago, things wernt good for a while and even though we wernt fighting there was no communication as such. I felt frustr this and ended the relationship asked her to move out to a friends ( said very angerly). and a big mistake.

 

Since then we have seen each other all most everyday beacuse kids are involved and got on badly. She says that she didnt love me and that I didnt support in enough for at least 6 months prior to this but says she still cares for me.

 

Now my dilemma is is that she says that she dosent want to try again and seems pretty adament about it but when I asked her again today and at my suggestion she said we will give it a month and see.

 

Now when she said this it didnt seem like she thought there was any hope of getting those feelings back, my question is why would she say yes to another month when she dont see any point.

 

 

Dunno what to think, any advice?

[Shizzle]

am guessing you still love her right? what she said were some pretty harsh things, do you want to be with her still do you feel like you can change your feeligs or vice versa? can she?

[Orex]

hello S4d, yes I still love her and still want to be with her just not the way things were,and I guees in retrospect I just needed to have space to think what I wanted

 

As to her changing her feelings it looks doubtful or maybe thats why shes giving it this month to see if her feeling can be regained?

[Shizzle]

"yes I still love her and still want to be with her just not the way things were"

 

well do you know how you personaly can change things? well you told us you love now you really have one month to prove to her you love her and get her those feelings back? this might sound sad, but where did you go n your 1st date? go back there, or go rent the 1st movie you saw with her, be mr lover give her reason for her to come back to you! you say she is your GF if you feel so strongly, i know this could be OTT givin your situation, but maybe propsoe,

[Orex]

yeah I pretty much know what to change and put right and shes kinda seen that happen, but she dosent believe that it will last and things will just go back to the way they were.

 

 

I dont think a proposal would be a good idea atm as I think she would see it as deperate ( not that i wouldnt marry her)

[Shizzle]

well if you know what to change i really hope it works out for you

[Orex]

Thanks S4D, really was just wondering if she sees no hope why give it a month to see if it will change? or some other reason?

[Shizzle]

ovbiously she does till have feelings though, cuz like you said "why give ita month" why do you personaly thinks he asked for a month if you been together for 10 years do you think she just wanted abit of space?

 

maybe we should see if a woman can give us insite to the riddle lol

[Orex]

a womans insite would be great

 

It was me who asked for the month which she seemd reluctant to agree with but did,,,hence my confusion because the signs didnt look good with what she said about " cant see it working out, dont love me, dosnet want to be my boyfriend"

[Orex]

cant see it working out, dont love me, dosnet want to be my boyfriend

"

thats Girfriend and not boyfriend =D

[simplyoneofus]

Hey man -

 

First question - do you really want to get back together? If so.....

 

First - Buy a couple of "relationship" books, and READ THEM. Do all the silly exercises and journal writing, etc... Treat it like homework - good relationships take work. Then talk to your girlfriend about what you've read and learned.

 

If you and she start to connect about any of the stuff you read and talked about, then see if she'll read the books. Talk some more.

 

Then if you and she both want to try again, you've got some new common ground and a common "relationship language" to work with. If either one of you wants out of the relationship, at least you've grown as a person...and can know more clearly who you are, and who you want to be with.

[Orex]

Thanks simplyoneofus, I'll take that advice onboard.

 

yeah I do want to get back with her just confused as to why shed agree on a month....to let me down gentley maybe? she seemd adament she wouldnt come back.

[Orex]

Well seen her tonight and asked her to the cinema and she said " shed think about it" but thewre was something in her voice that didnt sound to encouraging .

 

Im so confused.

[k33]

I know how you feel, going through this with my husband. He moved out. But we are hanging out. The first month he didn't want anything to do with me. And I didn't call unless I needed to for specific reasons. We had a talk and decided to hang out and see how it goes. We are haning out weekly, and it's great while we do, but then I have the nagging doubt the rest of the week. but we are light years ahead of where we were about 6 weeks ago. We are haning out and he is more back and forth on it, what he wants that is.

 

I also want him back and still love him, but I want the relationship to change to be more equal and no more stupid arguments.

 

Give her the time she needs and when you do hang out, don't talk about the relationship at first, just go out and have fun and be yourself.

 

I don't know if this helps.

[Orex]

Thanks K33, it's good to see things advancing for you.

 

We dont really hng out much on our own as the kids are usually around...so it kinda seems that shes only there becuase the kids are adn like you I have that nagging doubt when I dont see her.

 

I guess I'll see what she says about the cinema and just act natually if we do.

[k33]

I don't know if it is progressing or not. He kind of freaked out on me this weekend, said he'd call did not. It's weird to think I am not in his thoughs all the time, god knows he's in mine!

 

Can you offer to go out for coffee or something without the kids?

[Orex]

I know how you feel but like you said it better than 6 weeks ago

 

yeah asked her to the cinema ( as it one of her favourite things) and means that we wont really have a chance to get heavey, just enhoy each others company....if shes says yes of course

[k33]

The movies is a great idea, gets your mind off things. Mine and I went to see one last week and we just held hands and laughed and stuff. No making out, but it was comfortable and sweet, and really nice to be together intimately without talking and worrying about saying the wrong thing.

 

I'll keep my fingers crossed for ya that she will say yes... if she does, let her pick the movie and the snacks!!!

 

A padded cell would be better than 6 weeks ago! But I am hanging in there. It's rough.

 

k

[Orex]

yeah I think the movies would be good to....

 

Just Ive been thinking about this month thing and something she said bothers me, she said something like " after this month if we dont get back then what, will you let it go

( because she wants me to)......

 

and so my thinking is after she is just doing this month so I will let her go

 

any thoughts?...

[k33]

She might be, or she might not know what she wants at all. I wonder if mine is being nice to me to "ease the blow" or something. I know there are still feelings there, but maybe not enough to actually try to fix things...I am trying really hard to focus on other things in case the shoe drops.

 

Are the kids your kids? If so, you guys owe it to them to try to work things out a bit more. She might just need time and space. Aparantly in my newly large knowledge base of divorce and break ups. About 80% of all married couples separate for a couple of months at one time or another... Who knew... might be bogus numbers to sell a book though! Can't believe everything on the internet eh?

[Orex]

k33, thats what I was thinking and I guess I'm perparing myself for the worst. Last week just old me she did love me but on sunday that what she meant was that she cared for me ( and that was a form of love).

 

Both the kids are mine yes, and it may have alot to do with the kids why she wont come back, the last 6 months have been pretty bad and theve been caught up in it unfortunaley. There staying with me atm to give her a break.

 

Plus she still wears a a necklace that both means alot to the two of us.

 

Just confused I guess I am

[k33]

I just typed a long reply and it disappeared! I say you guys should try some conseling to see if you can get past this. The limbo thing is no good, and it's tough on the kids.

 

If you can get past everything it will be better for them in the long run, if not it is better to sever ties as much as possible so they aren't confused. She may just need time and space. At least that is what I am hoping in my current sit.

 

Try to spend time with her reconnecting, you might find that that's all that is needed. Having kids a really big stressor, a good one but still stressful. You also might find that in trying this you don't want to be with HER. That would be a surprise wouldn't it... When I see my hubbie, I waffle back and forth, maybe I don't want him any more... oh I still do... etc.

 

What's been going on in the last six months?

 

At least she is still wearing the necklace. My hubbie cut off his wedding ring with bolt cutters and threw it away. I still wear mine. Yeah I am waiting to get the email or call, I never want to see you again. That'll blow.

[Orex]

eah its the limbo thing that killing me.....I doubt shedwould go for couseling but worth a shot I guess.

 

I am hoping she just need space and time even though all the words say diffrent.

 

Reconnecting with her is the idea of this month really...but barley seen her in without the kids, although did have a nice phone conversation last night where she thanked me for being supportive with the kids.

 

Wont really see her till sat so i guess I'll aske her again about the cinema.

 

for the last 6 months things have been very tense, not much fighting,or arguments but atompshere as been bad and ithink the kids picked up on that.

 

My mindset is trying to prepare if she dosent come back....but ther is till a glimmer of hope maybe...

[k33]

I am there with you there.... the glimmer of hope is too much to resist! More tomorrow tequilla tonight....

[Orex]

well I'll be seeing her tonight when she picks up the kids and as I was wondering as she wont get to eat late, would it be a could idea to have a meal ready for her when she gets here?