Do guys really like independent women?

[MadxMythMadame]

My boyfriend of almost 3 and half years dumped me two months ago, if you haven't read my other thread, and honestly, I've been taking it a lot better than I thought. Instead of feeling always alone, I've actually been feeling empowered and confident. I've felt like, "Hell yeah, I can do everything without him by my side. I have the world is in the palm of my hand."

 

Now I'm in the dating world (which is something I've never really anticipated) and I feel like guys say they like independent women, but they either think they can ride on the coat tails of those women, or they feel somewhat emasculated because all of a sudden, she's starting to wear the pants. I mean, I'm no damsel in distress. I don't need a hero to rescue me and that's one of my favorite traits, but is that really appeal to men? Or not? I'm curious and if so, why is or isn't it appealing?

[Stay_home]

Typically the reason men tend to avoid the "independent woman" is because most indepdent women convince themselves that they don't need or want a man in their life. And they go on to build and dub their world around that belief. So when someone does come along, she's become so guarded and jaded that she no longer has the room, nor the desire to be involved. Eventually other obligations take precedence to her committment as the need to prove dominance and independence and that she doesn't need to rely on him for anything.

 

 

 

"Hell yeah, I can do everything without him by my side. I have the world is in the palm of my hand."

[Nerdyjock]

Here is how I view it: independence means security and confidence - normally anyway. I am more attracted to someone who I feel like doesn't *need* me but that *wants* me. My ideal partner is desirable in that they are ambitious and successful - but I also need them to not be one who is prone to flattery and seduction from the admirers that come with being so independent. Basically, I love independent partners as long as, at they end of the day, the two of us are on the same page and love each other.

 

Let me throw some statistics at you that are opposite of my thoughts on this, though. Intelligence among men (higher IQ) is associated with higher rates of marriage compared to attaining marriage in lower IQ men. However, higher IQ among women is associated with less attainment of marriage than lower IQ women. There are so many factors involved here as to why this is likely the case. Of course intelligence isn't the only thing playing a role. Lots of things come into account. First, the more intelligent someone is (measured by IQ), the fewer children they produce, on average, compared to lower IQ. Is this because people with higher IQ are more career oriented? Is it because intelligent women are less likely to be stay-at-home moms who are popping out babies?

 

I guess I didn't really answer your question, but I find this phenomenon VERY interesting. I think there are a lot of paradoxes between men, women, independence, and intelligence.

[Allyo]

I think that men don't like needy women, yet they need to feel needed.

 

I know that sounds almost like a paradox.

[thedude3000]

Being independent and being a cold heartless ice queen who "doesn't need a man for anything" are two different things. I am a man and I like a woman who is driven toward her goals and doesn't constantly need reassurance from other people. However, I do enjoy a woman who will consider me an asset to her life and not just a side item who she can "do with or without". My last girlfriend was an "independent" woman, but what that came down to was that she didn't "need" me for anything and wasn't very nice or affectionate. You can be independent without falling into a cliche stereotype.

[Batya33]

Being independent and being a cold heartless ice queen who "doesn't need a man for anything" are two different things. I am a man and I like a woman who is driven toward her goals and doesn't constantly need reassurance from other people. However, I do enjoy a woman who will consider me an asset to her life and not just a side item who she can "do with or without". My last girlfriend was an "independent" woman, but what that came down to was that she didn't "need" me for anything and wasn't very nice or affectionate. You can be independent without falling into a cliche stereotype.

 

Totally agree with this. I think the healthiest type of independence is being able to accept feeling vulnerable and needing someone without your image of "I'm independent!" falling apart. I found that my independence was a huge asset in dating and relationships - it also helped quickly screen out the very needy and very insecure men who wanted a submissive person in order to feel masculine -that of course wouldn't have worked for me.

[FathomFear]

Well, in my opinion we don't technically "need" a partner in our lives. We can highly desire having a partner and find having a partner an advantage, though. Ultimately I believe that is the correct mindset, regardless of gender.

[MadxMythMadame]

I think that men don't like needy women, yet they need to feel needed.

 

I know that sounds almost like a paradox.

 

I think you've put it in the simplest way that makes sense.

 

Don't get me wrong, I'm "don't need a man of anything" kind of girl. I'm not some nazi-feminist who thinks the world is mad for having men in (absurd!). I'm just curious of what options are out there for women who aren't needy - so "independent" probably wasn't the best way to actually get this question out there. I guess I've been around and have heard about too many needy guy recently - which is new for me because I used to have girl friends that are the other way around and now new friends have this non-needy mentality.

[LostOne01]

It's not that we don't like independent women. We actually do. We like to see a woman doing her own little thing. But when we try to get with a woman who's so stuck up, that's not the definition of independent: That's called selfishness, and it has a lot to do with their egos. They like when men make the first move but only want to keep them around to boast about themselves and how they don't need a man.

 

We don't like nor need women like that.

[Batya33]

Well, in my opinion we don't technically "need" a partner in our lives. We can highly desire having a partner and find having a partner an advantage, though. Ultimately I believe that is the correct mindset, regardless of gender.

 

I needed and need my partner and he needs me -that doesn't make either of us "needy".

[FathomFear]

I needed and need my partner and he needs me -that doesn't make either of us "needy".

 

I mean that technically there is no true "need". You're not going to pass away if you're single. It's not a need in the same way that food or water is a need. It's a want--often a very strong want--which has well documented benefits for your emotions and psyche. But it's not a need.

[Batya33]

I mean that technically there is no true "need". You're not going to pass away if you're single. It's not a need in the same way that food or water is a need. It's a want--often a very strong want--which has well documented benefits for your emotions and psyche. But it's not a need.

 

We have different definitions of "need". "You need it if you would die without it" is not my standard and not the standard of most people I know. But you're entitled to your definition.

[gingerlemon]

Being independent and being a cold heartless ice queen who "doesn't need a man for anything" are two different things. I am a man and I like a woman who is driven toward her goals and doesn't constantly need reassurance from other people. However, I do enjoy a woman who will consider me an asset to her life and not just a side item who she can "do with or without". My last girlfriend was an "independent" woman, but what that came down to was that she didn't "need" me for anything and wasn't very nice or affectionate. You can be independent without falling into a cliche stereotype.

 

What he said!

[Day_Walker]

That is going to depend on the guy. I happen to like independent women, it is all going to depend on what each particular guy is looking for. Just based on my own experience there doesnt seem to be a universal idea of what an independent women. Ive met women who claimed to be independent however they were no where near independent.

[BriarRose]

Everyone wants to feel needed. No, men don't want a clingy, whiney woman, but if you go long enough making them think you don't need them at all, they will tire of it.

[jackblack]

personally I couldn't care less about the independence of any girl I date. last relationship that didn't last the girl was Miss Wannabe Corporate America. It really bothered me how obsessed with success she was and also how little she knew about how to achieve it.

[Batya33]

personally I couldn't care less about the independence of any girl I date. last relationship that didn't last the girl was Miss Wannabe Corporate America. It really bothered me how obsessed with success she was and also how little she knew about how to achieve it.

 

That doesn't have to do with independence -that has to do with her (apparently) inordinate focus on making money and being successful and not leading a balanced life.

[Blue Spiral]

I don't need a woman for anything. But that doesn't mean I don't like being around women. I'd imagine that independent women feel the same way about men.

 

I don't think anyone needs me, which is a good feeling. I imagine that'd be a lot of pressure.