the black book of healing/ lets make it

[ferna3069]

ok so im thinking that a great idea to heal is to make a thread about it. im going to start out with some of the things i learned. we will talk about different type of situations. meaning if your ex contacted you after the break up. if they never contacted. mixed signals and everything else.it would be good if every one shared there situation. so we can make a black book of healing. we can perfect it.

 

ok so in my situation. my ex broke up with me a month and a half ago.we where together for two years and four months. when she first broke up with me she wanted me to remain friends with her. something i learned about this is that ex's tend to feed of our broken heart to make themselves feel better. i dont know if they know there doing it but they do it. they tend to string us along for selfish reasons. been there for them after the break up is not going to bring them back. it will only hurt more.my ex tried been friends with me. i deleted her of facebook. i deleted her number. i took the stuff she gave me down.gave it to some one to put it away.well when she found out i deleted her of facebook she got so mad at me. telling it it was bs.she got even more mad when i told her i could not be friends with her. started screaming and then started to cry. she was not trying to get back with me. she was feeding her ego. i know every one thinkgs different and thinks. but my ex is different. they are good people.

 

guess what? my ex was the sweetest person i knew. but once they break up with you they change. try to feed there ego. become cold. thinkg they can string you along for selfish reasons. i knpow every one with a broken heart has a hard time letting go. alot of people read threads on how to get them back then on how to heal. then they go back and fourth. i read alot of threads on how one second people feel strong . feel like they can get threw it. then the next it hits them. it hits them strong.i know it hurts. but constrate on been strong. but let the feelings flow threw you. because the farther you try to push it the more everything will build up. then bam you will feel worse then before.

 

i know holding on to false hope is going to happen.and to be honest its normal. its part of healing. the more you get it the harder it gets. but the sooner you realize its over the easier it will be. like i said times you are going to feel completely down. then other times you are going to feel strong.i started going to the gym. started looking for a job. i will admit that at first i did not do anthing. i just layed down the whole day. staying in pain. but knowin that doing nothing will make it worse. i still hurt at times. it hurts alot. but i come here for advice. and guess what it works.

 

tell your situation. what you have done and we can all help. i want every situation possible. even does of you who got threw it, every one can learn. and we cane make the black book of healing. we can perfect it.so in the future does of people with a broken heart will have a better chance of healing faster. and also they will know there not the only ones. its normal to be heart broken.and all of you can come here in the future break up. and see how you got threw it. and look at the mistakes you made

[ChellyV]

wow, a thread like this will perhaps help me out too. i know my friends and family have heard it from me way too much already.

 

my most recent ex and i have been on again off again for a little over a year. after telling me that "he is not ready for a relationship" on october 2010, i struggled very hard to move on. then when things got quiet and i was silently reaching for the peace, he re-appeared into my life. no questions asked, no other hurt involved, i gave him another chance. but that second chance was really stormy. we would fight every now and then, i would apologize, he wouldnt talk to me for days (something i have never done to him), he would act indifferent towards me in our very rare time together, he would initiate affection. whenever i bring it up, he would tell me, i have a problem not him. so at this point, i felt unworthy, unloved and unwanted. the last straw came when i was bringing up our zero sex life, he cussed and cussed and aired 12 months worth of deep resentment. and then that was it. no formal goodbyes, just the silent treatment. after 3 days, i wrote and mailed him a letter to make the break up formal (i personally need this so i know the score within myself - to move on, to hang on, to leave it as it is). i chose to move on ergo the break up. i have so much work to do in re-building my self esteem.

 

to this day i still cry every now and then, but no longer out of remorse for the way i resolved it, its more on how i was treated, and how i was just let go like a doormat. mostly pride issues, something i have let go. afterall, i had allowed him to do that to me. but i am strictly on NC, not as a revenge, but as a part of my healing. to not know what is going on with him makes me more optimistic about how i will go on with my life. sure there are bumps here and there, like how i just had a meltdown yesterday and allowed myself to cry for over an hour. after that, i went on with my day. it truly helps. and i pray that i shall have the determination everyday to let my day go without having the urge to make contact.

 

i still have his stuff, but i have put them away in storage. eventually i will get these back to him but not now. i however, have expressed prior to NC to return to me my valuables and its been 15 days since, heaven't received them back.

 

i believe there is always a point where you know where to draw the line, specially if you find yourself miserable instead of happy, if you are not assured of simple things that you are to be assured of being in a committed relationship (ie reliability - will he come get you if your car broke down).

 

he must have had something good abuot him, because i fell deeply in love. we just do not match.

[jooj]

Me and my ex broke up 1 and a half months ago, we were together for 8 months in a long distance relationship. The first 5 months of our relationship were amazing, we never fought or argued, we both loved each other unconditionally and supported each other. Then suddenly in the last 3 months of our relationship he stopped calling me, he rarely replied to my emails and when I called him he was so indifferent and when we met he was cold and distant. I told my friends about this situation and they all told me that I should break up with him because he obviously doesnt want to be with me anymore but he's too afraid to dump me. When I was finally able to talk to him (everytime I tried calling he made excuses to hang up) I asked him why he was acting this way with me. He told me that he has issues and that I didnt do anything wrong. I then asked him if he still wanted to be with me or not. He told me he didnt know and that he'll think about it and let me know in a few days what he decides. We hung up and I realized that he's trying to push me away in everyway so that I do the breaking up. I sent him a text telling him that I really love him but that I dont want to do this anymore because I want someone who wants me and he obviously doesnt want to be with me. He never replied to that text or contacted me again. A few days after I sent the text I sent him an email telling him (since I love you so much I accept your decision for breaking up with me, I just wish you would have told me you were unhappy so we could work things out instead of just disappearing)

He never replied to that email either. All this happened 6 weeks ago and he hasnt contacted me in any way. I'm doing NC and I'm not planning on initiating any contact with him, I tried everything I could to make him happy, and in the last 3 months of us being together when he changed I fought for this relationship and gave him the space he needed. In the last few days of our relationship his brother even told me shame on him for treating you like this because you are the best thing that has ever happened to him. I can't believe he let me go so easily like this. It hurts so much to not have closure and to not understand why. I deleted him from facebook and I deleted all his texts, emails and pictures and his number.

I'm proud of myself for doing 6 weeks NC so far, it's really difficult but it gets easier and you'll be proud of yourself once you do it. I'm also proud of myself for not begging him to take me back and for not sending him any hurtful texts or emails after the break up. This way he wont remember me as the psycho ex who is obsessed about him but he will remember me as the sweet girl who genuinly loved him.

 

I'm still not able to let go, I still love him so much and I keep wondering if he's planning on ever contacting me again or not.

[Kev0s1983]

My situation -

 

Met late on in 2007, got together after building a really solid foundation in March 2008. I moved out to Oz to get my permanent residency visa - which I NEVER once hid from her - in Dec 2009. She didnt cope. At all. Abandonment issues I guess as her father left the family when she was ten? In retrospect it hit her HARD. I knew it would and tried for months previous to talk about it and airing my concerns way before I left and suggesting we ended it before I left. She didnt want to. Fast forward 6 weeks and she had met someone else and lied about it. I went NC.

 

I got back into the UK April 2010 and we met. Hit it off all over again. Unfortunately, during my time away she met someone new - as stated above - but that lasted a mere three weeks. More importantly, and painfully to me, she slept with my friend and boss a couple of times. Me and her - at the time - worked in the same place and although we werent together when they slept together in April 2010 and before we met again, me and this guy were mates who went climbing together. I recognise an unwritten rule that you dont get with your mate's ex unless you have cleared it first? Maybe just me but the relationship me and the ex had, he was well aware of and it seemed/still does seem very low.

 

We tried to make it work, but I was the one who REALLY tried. I found she would lie, decieve and manipulate me from June 2010 to Jan 2011. She was very confused I guess. She wanted me and her as we once were, not this "new us". I would try to explain that what we had was gone, it couldnt be the same because we had been with other people but she wouldnt accept this. She would blow me off to meet with her friends instead, openly flirt with other males and send/receive dodgey texts (which I didnt really learn of until we had broken up this year but had suspisions of) and although I would never stand for that sort of thing previously, I was blindly in love. I REALLY connected with this girl - well, painful as it is to admit, at least I did ONCE - and just couldnt/didnt want to let go.

 

I bought her a ticket to meet my folks in Oz in December 2010, we had a great time.. I figured it was a deal maker. Figured I couldnt do much more to prove my love for her - Im not saying I put all my emphasis on the holiday, I would take her out, meals, random flowers, personal gifts, the works when we got back together in 2010 - just as I always had done with her. I was a gent to her, always. Sure we had arguments when I couldnt help but quesiton stuff that didnt "feel right" to me - though this I learnt a valuable lesson I had figured I already knew from many years in the past ALWAYS, no matter what, ALWAYS trust your gut... If stuff isnt adding up, very VERY often there is a damn good reason why not...

 

Come end of January 2011 we were hitting hard times, that said, there was still the sex - incredible sex - and come valentines day, I drove to her place with small gift, something personal and a small bottle of perfume. I figured a make-up gift of sorts for the hard times. She got me nothing. She told me she is going out to see her sister as it was hr sister's brithday (which is true) so i leave and come back the next day. BEfore I leave she seemed real happy and put some perfume on, hugged me and yea...

 

In short, she put some perfume on and before going to her sisters, goes over this other guys place... I only find out cos on the 15th of Feb I look at her phone - not for paranoid reasons, although, after all the sh*t in the past few months I SHOULD have para reasons - but cos its the new iphone and so i asked to see it. I look at it and check her photo album - NOT messages - and there he is... Shots of this new guy smiling back at me... Wearing dif clothes - so not all from one day/meet sorta gig and a shot of a shower glass pane with my ex's intials a love heart and this new guys intiials...

 

Devestated doesnt come close...

 

A week before hand I asked her to marry me... She refused very quickly and reasoned that she felt she did nothing right - ofcourse she didnt do anything right! She was lying, cheating, met someone new, slagged me off to OUR work colleagues... You name she did it. I still have massive feelings for her, I still have hope and Im on day 57 of NC. You cant help what you feel!

 

Anyway, I couldnt leave on the 15th cos she was also pregnant with my child... She wasnt sure what to do mid Jan and toward the end she was very sure. Abortion. I was gutted and couldnt see why she had changed her mind so quickly, NEW GUY! Makes sense... so, on the morning I found out (Feb 15th), I was a mess but had to stay with her for another 5 hours. Dont get me wrong, I really wanted to be there for her as it is one of THE most hard things to do. I was the only man at the clinic and supported her best I could when inside I was dying... MY baby girl, still telling me she loves me and cares about me more than anyone in the world (Now realise this was to ease her guilt) is sleeping with someone 18 years older than her and here i am in love with her. I dont want a medal but I wanted to walk away then and there...

 

I gave it a few days, I didnt beg or plead with her, I supported her the next few days as she went through the "process" and it was hard. I mean, she would have been with this new guy had this aboriton not occurred, of that I dont delude myself or doubt, but regardless, it was something that took us both to create the situation and I wanted to play my part in being there for her. I took her to the cinema three days later and ofcourse, still going through the motions but figured we had got on really well and there was a chance. After I left her place, Feb 18th, I havent seen her since. The early morning after the cinema she text me asking how i was, i replied with a simple "good thank, you? xxx" and got one back... It hit me that regardless if she "wakes up," I cant take her back, Not after she met someone new and doesnt have the deceny or courage to tell me. I was just her crutch whilst she was starting something with someone new. I HATE writing that down cos it still hurts me so much to acknowledge this girl I would have died for using me and taking advnatage of my love for her.

 

I changed my number and she texts my friend asking for it. She rings me up on the monday using "our nickname" to address me - hours earlier I find out about some MORE sh*t she had lied about so i was finding that day strangely easy... Shes emotional and crying telling me shes confused and I state thats a shame... It boils down to the fact she said we could be together in the future, I said not a chance. I had been changed as a person, I was no longer a man, I had become her whipping boy at her beck and call and still it pains me to write this but all the time I think about it, I have to see it all for what it was. When I left in Dec 2009, I broke her heart. I think that she couldnt trust me again not to do the same and as much as she wanted to make it work, she couldnt, subconciously, she was unable to forgive me for leaving her despite me never hiding it from day one that that was what I was indeed going to do - to follow my dream. I had wanted for her to share my dream but she was finishing education so it wasnt appropriate. I couldnt change the visa as there was a deadline date for me to be in Oz for. It was the way it was.

 

I hit the bottle HARD for a month. Drunk most the day every day and didnt cope. LEft my degree with a couple of months left on it and was chucked on a plane to Australia as my family were worried I was falling apart and wasnt going to see the end of the week. I guess they were right. It is the first tiem I have ever been heartbroken and I wouldnt wish it on anyone. Not even my ex because this has been the single hardest thing I have ever experienced and Im not out of the woods yet.

 

Im in a new country and have applied to do an electrician course which is full time which starts in July, Im doing an MMA class, running, eating well, no booze for 16 days and despite a few texts from the ex - the most recent following an attempt by her to try and ring me - following the phone call attempt, which i didnt pickup, she texts me asking me to send the photos from Oz over xmas. On the digi camera I bought her before we left... Why did she need to ring to ask me that? She didnt. Did she want to hear my voice? Did she want to see if my phone had been disocnnected with another new number? I dont know. I try not to analyse it all but thats part of the healing process. Her mother was a very big part of my life also and she really hoped me and her daughter would marry. She has emailed me and even met up with me before I left Oz but I had to beg her to leave me be as negative conotations of her daughter would arise each email that arrived - that and me praying things with this new guy had fallen through.

 

So what now... Keep moving forward. Its hard, I dont know many people here, my "friends" from the UK havent made an attempt to contact me and see how Im going other than a single good mate.

 

But in all, its a clean slate. She can stay where she is. She can use people and seek out the attention she desprately craves and I will take each day as it comes and hope its a good day. Keep on eating well, working out and looking on the brightside, what else can you do? There are many people on this site who have gone through what I am going through and I know Im for sure in a better place than I was a few weeks ago, cannot wait for a few more weeks and I will feel better again. But, this is a BIG but, what I would give for one more hold of my baby girl... One more embrace... I am beginning to forgive her because to forgive is to accept whats happened. I can fight the reality of the situaiton all I like but where will it get me? What will it alter?

 

Im a better person than her and gave my heart and soul to her for her to use and abuse. Im sure some lovely Ozzy girl out there would treat me much better and when I hit TAFE (adult college) In july for my sparky course, thats when I will think about dating again. For now, its still too painful and raw. Its been two months but I recognise Im not healing fast from this one. So be it. Im not excpecting to heal fast, just hoping to heal well.

 

My UK sim is cancelled in ten days and in some ways it would be good if the ex tried to reach out on it just one more time. Im sure in time she will. Ringing is a pretty big thing I guess and ok, she didnt leave a v-mail and she hasnt once implied she wants to work stuff out... But to ask for photos for xmas, she wants me to think about her and maybe wants me to know she thinks about us too. Sometimes I am really happy shes tried to ring and that she has text. I havent been "forgotten" and feel vindicated. But then, once they DO try and contact you, you see to be waiting for the next time... Then the next time... This UK SIM dying is something big and important. She has been blocked on fbk (before I deleted it a couple of weeks ago) way back in Feb so no fbk/mutual friend stuff to worry about. I AM struggling to let go, REALLY badly, but I know Im not alone. I know that others feel what I do and just keep going. Thats all you can do!

 

Regardless, im the dumpee and the one with it easy. She made the decision to be a class A nasty piece of work, all I have to do is smile and move along looking for something better with my life. Shes the one that - when it happens - may question her decision when she grows tired of this guy nearly two decades older than her... Too late baby girl... Too late.

[ferna3069]

it sounds like he pretty much used you.he was not sure of what he wanted. so he told you to go back with him. until he knew what he wanted. which what i learned from experience is a real bad thing to do. my ex also tried keeping me by her side after the break up. she did not get back with me like he did with you. but she would get so mad at me. when she was the one that contcted me in the first place. something i learned is. alot of exes blame us for everything that happened. but in reality it was there fault that they could not talk to fix it. its a good thing he is out of your life. if he talks to you and becomes mean . tell him he better stop. be strong because if your weak. they see it. and use it to there advantage. my ex knew i love her. but she also found out i met knew people.something i notice when she foung out. she started to become mean more and more. i never tried making hr jerlous. i mean i did when she broke up with me. but then i sa no point. i had to be bigger then that. i just asked her if she sees me with any one else and she got mad. before i started to contact she tried getting me jelous. i told her i need time to heal if she truly wants to be friends.am i going to let her use me if she calls me after the month? no,im going to be me. and if she becomes mean. hey guess what? she is no longer my gf. i dont have to take it. i wont play games but also i wont ler her use me. same situation your in. he did not know what he wanted. he had problems and was mean. he could not open his mouth just to say what he feels. if later on he wants to be with you and you feel the same way. put your foot down. lay some rules down and dont make it so easy for him to comeback. he has to show u that he means it. fix everything before getting back

[ferna3069]

man this ex of yours sound like she is bad. dont get mad but she pretty much used you the whole time. im glad you see it. and you said your on day 58 of no contact. im proud of you. but you need to let go completely. because i know how devestating it is to have some one play with your emotions like she does. it sounds more like she is doing this to make herself feel better.

[ferna3069]

i was in this situation to.when my ex and i where together for six months she started to become mean and distant. i told her that i was going to go look for friends since she was to busy for me. well she wold get mad at the idea of me meeting new people. trust me its better that its over now then later. i put my foor down on my ex when she started been mean. later on i got a job. and for her birthday this year. i wanted to surprise her. i saved up my money from working all xmas season . bougt my tiket to visit her. and i took her to all kinda of places. well i was almost out of money. for her birthday i took her to walkmart. because i wanted to get her a ds.i was almost out of money. i told her i was going to get her the regular ds. she wanted the dsi. but i told her if i got her the dsi we would not be able to go out on dates. she said we can just stay home.she cared more about a video game system than she did about me. also me and her where working on ebay. she would always make up excuses when it came to her part. i would get mad.well she started working on it after we argued.her computer was messing up. and i knew we would not be able to see each other if it did. so i told her to save the money that she earned. and i would help her pay for the computer. she spend the money. i got mad at her. because shebought cloth for her dog. so i told her to give it a month so we can make the money for it. well we only had enough for a mini. i told her thats all we can get. that way we can talk on the cam.she got mad at me and told me that im at work all the time anyways. she did not care about me. she cared of what she wanted. and what she wanted only. you dont want to have a bad experience with this trust me. people can be so sweet at one time. then bam they get mean.you dont want to spend the rest of your life with some one who treats you so bad

[Kev0s1983]

man this ex of yours sound like she is bad. dont get mad but she pretty much used you the whole time. im glad you see it. and you said your on day 58 of no contact. im proud of you. but you need to let go completely. because i know how devestating it is to have some one play with your emotions like she does. it sounds more like she is doing this to make herself feel better.

 

I know I didnt want to accept that cold hard truth and to be totally honest, I still dont. Its hard to admit whats staring you in the face. Soooooo hard! I keep expecting her to come to her senses, but then, I couldnt ever really trust her again. Feel so used

[ferna3069]

I know I didnt want to accept that cold hard truth and to be totally honest, I still dont. Its hard to admit whats staring you in the face. Soooooo hard! I keep expecting her to come to her senses, but then, I couldnt ever really trust her again. Feel so used

 

i know what your going threw. i was also used. i know how it feels when your heart wants her back. but your mind knows its wrong. im on this threads all the time and i gotta tell you its way better then telling friends and family. because you say the story over and over. you want a different response but you get the same. its time for us to get to our senses. we where good. thats why they want to stringing us along. but honestly you dont want that. after they feel better they leave agian

[Kev0s1983]

I know the answer is to let go, I see the logic in it all day long and it IS the only option. I am now the otherside of the World and she is - probably - still with the guy she left me for. I dont feel resentment to this guy, I mean I dont know the in's and out's of it and he may have been a catalyst and told her things to facilitate/aid the breakup but if she could be led then its another tick in the box to leave her the hell alone... ARGH! Wish so bad to be healed already. I know Im doing well not contacting and i DO have stuff planned/taking care of myself but jesus... It truly feels like shes here with me in my heart all day every day currently. Been a bad couple of days! Figured today was going to be alright but meh.

 

I know deepdown if there is another chance between us, it will be in years, not months, by that time I really REALLY hoped to have found someone more healthy and less insane.

[ChellyV]

i am in pain today, more than other days. i hope i get through the day. thank you for your thoughts.