After someone has cheated on you and promised to change, what's the situation...

[SadAndy]

I have been cheated on long term by my partner of 15yrs, not going to go into all the details again but it wasn't pleasant!

 

My question is, what is the situation regarding her using sex toys on her own when I'm not there? I've got a real problem with it and especially what and who she's thinking of whilst using them.

Is this a form of cheating? I have used them WITH her in the past but find the prospect of her using them on her own as somehow seedy and pretty much a form of cheating.

 

I have been through so much and have tried everything to make it work but I am fed up making excuses for her and giving her second chances.

Is there a problem with this or is it ME who is at fault for feeling like this?

[NANsense]

I have to say this ones on you....it's her body and she can pleasure herself all she wants......how would you like it if someone told you you were never allowed to masturbate?....and please--even if you don't (which would be hard to believe) but even still--it's YOUR body and no-one has the right to tell you you aren't allowed to touch yourself.

[rocio]

No, using sex toys on her own when you're not there is not cheating.

 

You're not at fault for feeling fed up with forgiving a cheater though. Only you know when enough is enough and you need to walk away.

[Tryptophan]

I would give her a freebie on the toys. If you pressure her with that, she might just go out there and cheat with REAL toys. And by that I mean boy toys. It's just another form of masturbation. That's too personal to tell someone not to do. She might be thinking of you or not of you but don't overanalyze it. We can't read people's thoughts.

 

EDIT:

 

However, I don't blame you for feeling paranoid over 'cheating'. She already cheated so you will likely be left wondering about cheating for the rest of the relationship. It's up to you to decide whether that trust will ever be rebuilt.

[Fudgie]

Are you fine with her masturbating alone (without toys) without you? Or is it just with toys?

 

I see it as just another form of masturbation, not cheating, since it doesn't involve another person in any form.

[checkmedown]

You're being way too controlling.

[Callacova]

You're being way too controlling.

 

Check your logic. He isn't being controlling, but worried about an outside source of pleasure replacing him in the relationship. He warrants this by giving evidence of being cheated on by a woman who found happiness in someone else. Therefore he isn't controlling but insecure. Glad to help you out

[metrogirl]

Even if she pleasured herself without the toys you will never know who she thinks about.

[SadAndy]

Maybe I should clarify the situation a little. It is the same woman who cheated on me that I am enquiring about.

 

My feelings are partially, as one reply says, an external source of pleasure replacing me and partially the fact that she has looked me in the eye and told me that she isn't using them. Its not so much the act (although for some reason I do find it quite seedy) but the fact that it is yet another lie and also the thought of 'ooh he's not here and doesn't know so I can get away with this' much like when she cheated.

 

 

Thanks for your replies though, it is nice to hear others views as I have no doubt that after everything I probably am a bit 'touchy' or 'controlling' and its nice to have others perspective on the metter.

[italiannmf24]

Pleasuring yourself isn't a form of cheating. I don't understand why it bothers you so much.

[Starrgrl]

^ he was cheated on of course he's going to be insecure o_O

 

 

Sigh OP... That's what happens when you take back a cheater =/ hope she doesn't cheat again.

[NANsense]

IMO if you are making her promise you she isn't using them then that = controlling (that response was correct)

 

Yes the behavior does come from insecurity--but the behavior itself is still controlling...

 

IMO again...you are asking her to make a promise that was out of line in the first place--you do not own her body--she does, or her free will--she does....

 

I get that she has cheated on you--but you can't lock her in a cage....if you haven't been in counseling then I would highly recommend you go--this will only continue to spiral out of control....you feel betrayed and now you are making unreasonable demands (one's you know she won't live up too) to reinforce your own reason for being angry & to warrant you accusing her of continued offenses against you....guilt, blaming, shaming....when does it end?

[Koglin]

Using sex toys in privacy is certainly not considered any form of cheating in my books. The only way I could ever see this as being a problem in the relationship is if she were to use toys in private while neglecting you sexually but if your sexual needs are being met and she wants to use toys on herself I wouldn't make any issue over this. This is an issue you have to get over not her.

[reidqa]

Andy,

 

Masturbation is natural (look even animals) no its not cheating.

 

Thank god she has found an outlet not human.

[Unreasonable]

If she was using them for phone sex or cybering, I could see your point. Sex toys or not, if she's going to masturbate she's going to masturbate and there's nothing you can do to stop it. I'm not surprised she lied because what she does by herself, as long as nobody else is involved, is none of your business.

 

If you have some moral problem with masturbation I don't know that you'd be compatible with a lot of people.