Rebuilding Self Confidence and Self Esteem in my relationship

[soporcogitavi]

I dont know if its because the honeymoon phase may be coming to an end or its just me, but I feel im losing confidence and esteem in myself with regards to my relationship.

 

Im naturally a confident person, I have a successful career, im good looking, I have a good personality (at least I think so), surrounded by good people. I'm engaged to a great women, getting married soon and I feel I have a lack of confidence in myself.

 

1) The last couple months I have been insecure about my appearance, I feel like I have to take extra care of myself (moisturizers, wrinkle cream, firmers, etc..) I trim every single hair thats out of place, I tan if I feel im to white, you get the picture (i hope).

 

2) I also feel slight anxiety and nervousness sometimes in regard to my fiance or relationship. Example, at the beginning she would often tell me how good looking I am, how lucky she is, how im the best, send me text mssgs, she doesnt do that nearly as much as she used to. Although she does call me at work everyday (i feel anxiety until I receive the call) I know this sounds very weird, I hate it though. and its weir, I feel like she should call, and I wont call until she calls me (so juvenile and immature I know). She is affectionate with me, and our sex life if good (3-4 times a week) 50/50 initiation.

 

3) I know in the past she has had ONS, with good looking guys, and I noticed sometimes she puts emphasis on the physical appearance of people, without calling her shallow or superficial, I feel this aspect is something she pays importance to. She once told me she would only have a ONS if it was the best looking guy in the bar. This makes me wonder, am I good looking enough? Am I better looking then the guys she dated? etc... Again not healthy.

 

4) I feel like I want to do everything with her, im not actually clingy though. I dont call her often or control her, or tell her I have to come if she wants to do something with her friends. Im not jealous either. I just feel it in myself and think about it.

 

I just feel very strange, because I have never been like this before in a relationship, even at the beginning of this relationship I wasnt like that. This is somewhat of a new occurrence of the last few months. We were talking once about our faults and what we think the other persons fault is. She said "sometimes your insecure" that made me even more insecure (shocker).

 

Im just wondering why is this happening, how do I get over this and work on myself. I know insecurity is not attractive, but I feel I should be more comfortable around my fiance. Its like everyday I cant wait to see her and Im not sure if she feels the same.

 

I wonder if she's with me because I can provide her a secure Life (financially) and maybe she just settled for the good guy. Although this is probably not the case.

 

Like I mentioned I really cant say she does anything to make me feel this way, but maybe she does or has and I dont realize it. Im just sick of feeling like this, like im not worthy or like im constantly hoping for her to compliment me.

 

I find this is a very complex issue for me to deal with, ive tried several things, like re-reading the definition of confidence, or trying to pay less attentiopn to her, in case she thinks Im being clingy. Its like there's this sense of paranoia. There's also lots of personal issues in my life going on as well (family etc..) which may be contributing to this.

 

let me know your thoughts please

 

FYI, this was very tough to post all this for others to read, as I feel its very personal, but I need your thoughts.

[RISK]

I just went thru this. I started having these same issues in Oct. Not founded, but, grew with each passing day. Eventually my insecurities were out of control and I was no longer genuine to the relationship. I acted. We have since broken up. and on some level I feel relief, when I wanted to blame him for the break up, it was my and my constant crazy thought run amouk. Dorothy Beattie. has a daily book, maybe you can find it online. Language of letting go. What you are going thru is an emotional cancer anxiety destroys relationships.

[soporcogitavi]

This is an emotional cancer.

[Aether]

It happened to me too in my last relationship, I had added stressors which aren't the norm, without those I think I would have coped. It is most definitely emotional cancer, I'm in counselling now which I really should have started a long long time ago..years ago..

[hexaemeron]

This is what I meant when I said this was unsustainable. This feeling of someone else making you feel special. Seriously. You're a textbook example of what I was trying to explain.

[soporcogitavi]

I just dont know where to go with this, this is eating me up, and I dont want it to affect my relationship.

[soporcogitavi]

This is what I meant when I said this was unsustainable. This feeling of someone else making you feel special. Seriously. You're a textbook example of what I was trying to explain.

 

Its not so much the feeling special part im worried about, its the feeling insecure about myself and lack of confidence. Ive never had this before ever, in any relationship, and my exes have "made me feel special", and I broke it off with them. Im trying to get at the root of whats brought this on now.

[hexaemeron]

Oh, well duh. If you've always been the one to break it off with people, and now you don't want to break it off, of course you're terrified she's going to do it to you.

[soporcogitavi]

Oh, well duh. If you've always been the one to break it off with people, and now you don't want to break it off, of course you're terrified she's going to do it to you.

 

Ahh man you're are freakin blunt, drives me nuts (I just want to rip you apart sometimes) but I like your openess.

 

Im not really even afraid she'll break it off, and my past relationships were longeterm before and I never considered breaking things off until much much later in the relationship. Its this fear of being second best (maybe because im going to marry her), or not living up to some of the guys she was with before in physical appearance wise or whatever it is. The stupid thing about this is I know Im a good looking guy, not even exxagerating here, ill walk down the street and lots of girls will check me out, even my fiance has recognized this. I just dont know whats at the root of it

[hexaemeron]

Ahh man you're are freakin blunt drives me nuts (I just want to rip you apart sometimes) but I like your openess.

 

Im not really even afraid she'll break it off, and my relationships were longeterm before and I never considered breaking things off until much much laterin the relationship. Its this fear of being second best, or not living up to some of the guys she was with before in physical appearance wise or whatever it is. The stupid thing about this is I know Im a good looking guy, not even exxagerating here, ill walk down the street and lots of girls will check me out, even my fiance has recognized this. I just dont know whats at the root of it

 

I find it telling that you define your worth through the eyes of others, and not through your own eyes. It's no wonder you're feeling unconfident. If I relied on everyone to prop up my self-worth, I'd be secretly scared that it could be taken away by misc.person that comes/came along too.

 

Look, str8 up. She's choosing to be with you. That's an active choice she makes every day. If she wanted to be with the ripped dude with a 9 inch dong that came along before you, she'd be with him now. You're summoning the very problem you're claiming to be afraid of.

 

So stop it!

[soporcogitavi]

I find it telling that you define your worth through the eyes of others, and not through your own eyes. It's no wonder you're feeling unconfident. If I relied on everyone to prop up my self-worth, I'd be secretly scared that it could be taken away by misc.person that comes/came along too.

 

Look, str8 up. She's choosing to be with you. That's an active choice she makes every day. If she wanted to be with the ripped dude with a 9 inch dong that came along before you, she'd be with him now. You're summoning the very problem you're claiming to be afraid of.

 

So stop it!

 

I know, I have to start looking at things this way. Im just worried that she'll lose interest, or she'll stay with me just because we're married, or just because at some point we'll have kids. Its such a bad way to think I know. Its the feeling of helplessness I dislike, I know there's questions ill never be able to answer, and things I wont be able to change, or a future I cant predict, its letting go of all this uncertainty thats tough.

 

Any suggestions on helping "prop up my self worth"? At the same time I dont really feel it necessary to seek professinal help, just wondering if you have any tricks/ideas?

[tattoobunnie]

Wow...you need a vacay from that little voice in that head of yours. She's with you for a reason, and One Night Stands do not equal "want them to be their partner". I think you need your groove back. Meaning, go make yourself interesting, and realize as awesome as she may be, get her off the pedestal...just that alone is too much pressure.

 

This is simply a case of cold feet, so you're fabricating things to amp up the anxiety. This anxiety is also your sub-conscience questioning her as the best partner for you.

 

This person has chosen you, and is marrying you...even if she did call you hot, or grab you every five seconds, it won't change your insecurity.

 

I guarantee that the root of it probably started with some minute thing someone or she said to you, and it blew up in your head into this unrelentless paranoia. You're just gonna have talk to her and say, "I know this sounds crazy, and I need to say it. I love you so much, and I'm grateful to be with you. How do you feel?" And let her talk. It's okay to let your fiancee see you selling crazy.

[hexaemeron]

I know, I have to start looking at things this way. Im just worried that she'll lose interest, or she'll stay with me just because we're married, or just because at some point we'll have kids. Its such a bad way to think I know. Its the feeling of helplessness I dislike, I know there's questions ill never be able to answer, and things I wont be able to change, or a future I cant predict, its letting go of all this uncertainty thats tough.

 

Any suggestions on helping "prop up my self worth"? At the same time I dont really feel it necessary to seek professinal help, just wondering if you have any tricks/ideas?

 

First off, you need to disabuse yourself of the notion that you have or could have total control over what happens. You don't. You just have to make your choices as best you can, do your best to follow through with them in good faith and whatever happens happens. You're crumbling now because you're coming to that conclusion. "I can't control what happens." -- Get over it, no one can. The sooner you realize this and embrace it, the sooner you'll be able to realize...

 

...the only thing you have control over is your actions, and your reactions to outside stimuli. You have total control over how you act, what you do, how you feel (inside), how fit/healthy/sane you are. So, if you want to control things, control those. Do your best and be proud of your best. If your best isn't enough, do better. Push yourself into uncomfortable places. Struggle and strive for more and be even more proud of that.

 

You have all the tools necessary to be healthy, happy and SANE. Just use them.

[soporcogitavi]

I never thought of it like that, do you think its normal though for those sort of things that I was writing about earlier to die down as the relationship progresses? Or maybe because the nature of the relationship changes/evolves?

[soporcogitavi]

Yes, essentially a self wake up call is what I need, Ive known this for awhile, just wasnt sure how to go about it.

[tattoobunnie]

I never thought of it like that, do you think its normal though for those sort of things that I was writing about earlier to die down as the relationship progresses? Or maybe because the nature of the relationship changes/evolves?

 

If you deal with them, yes...right now, you sooooo haven't. Being with someone you love and trust is a blessing, because you get the share the side of you, good, bad, intense, light, crazy...and you need to talk about it.

 

This is not a bf/gf...you're getting married...good or bad (be yourself)

 

Be sure to not make it an accusatory way to her (cuz she has does nothing, but said a few things), and it's more on just to be clear on things.

 

And if you don't talk about it, it's gonna get worse to the point you're passive-aggressively taking it out on her (and you've started with your games). Till the point, you completely neglect her.

 

And don't sweat it. My boyfriend is super good looking and brilliant, and he gets insecure, frustrated about life...and nervous about me leaving...and while sure, I wanna say "MAN UP" and I do kick him (verbally), he gets to see my neurotic behavior too, and it makes us really happy that we can share these things with each other.

 

Life's not all peaches and roses. So be real. Then you get to see what's really going on, and not relying on the crazy stories we make up in our head.

[soporcogitavi]

What do you mean by this? and how should I approach the situation,

[tattoobunnie]

Well...what do you think I mean by what I wrote?

 

Simply...getting clear (talking about things, going by fact, not stories and assumptions you make up)...and getting clear with the person this relates to (your lady)

 

If you want to get over this, you have to do the work. No tips or tricks.

 

Now I wonder, do you share your hopes, dreams, and fears with your fiancee?

[tattoobunnie]

Oh...and tell her what you want. If you want be complimented, give compliments. I also think you have too much time on your hands (and this doesn't mean you don't have things to do...you have too much time for these thoughts). I think you are losing your edge because you have no major other things going on (striving for career advancements, relationship problems, drama...so since things are good, you are now fixating on your looks and obsessing).

 

And if you want to nip that in the bud, go find a bigger problem!!! How do you end hunger in your neighborhood, how do you give back to your community? Are you at the top of your job? And if not, go get it! Are you involved in the wedding? And if not, get more involved. What is one project you've been putting off? Go do it.

 

Find a bigger problem.

[soporcogitavi]

Ok, so to answer. Yes I do have improve myself and starting doing other things to get my mind clear. Im pretty ionvolved in everything we do.

 

I do compliment my fiance, i tell her she's beautiful all the time, I tell her How lucky I am to be with her, etc... I just find I iniate this sort of behavior more the her. I do know that she's less prone to being like that then I am, and we've both been very very busy lately.

 

Yes I do have to find a bigger problem though.

[tattoobunnie]

And...talk to her too. In fact, take her out on a date.

[november1]

I think most people go through feelings of self-doubt in their life. I've gone through phases of insecurity in relationship as you describe. Man to man, what helped me is:

 

1. Thoughts become things. Start thinking/feeling what it's like when she is her kindest and most loving toward you. Anytime you go down the negative/paranoid path, catch yourself, and picture her loving you. Feel it. Think about it. Change your thought process. You really do have the power to harness and change it. She does love you and maybe doesn't show it in the same ways that you do. Also, you're not in the honeymoon phase, so expect the love to deepen, but not be touchy/feely or complimentary in the same way it was at first. That's normal and healthy.

 

2. As a guy, yes, we're always going to have the issue of "my girl has had sex with other guys who were better in X way, or a perfect 10 model." I've been there. Bluntly, get over it! She got over them because WHO they are didn't match up to who you are. Looks got them into bed with her for a night - then they turned out to have an IQ of 20 or be total douches. Your combined personality, looks, traits, etc. are the winning package for her to commit her life to. She's WITH you, not them.

 

3. To boost your confidence, picture where you were when you were single, right before you met her. Aside from the women, do everything you were doing then. Hanging out with friends, hitting the gym, being spontaneous, traveling, taking care of yourself, etc. Focus on what made you happy on your own (that ultimately attracted her to you) and go back to being that man.

[soporcogitavi]

Thanks man, I appreciate the advice, one of the things that bothered me was that one of the guys she had a ONS with she said was the "most interesting" of the guys she dated, he was also very good looking. The reason nothing ever materialized is because he moved away, he invited her to visit and she declined, sometimes I wonder if she thinks about how things would be with him and that bothers me.

 

You're right though U have to re rfocus on myself and my confidence will come back.

[november1]

Absolutely, happy to help.

 

The one very important thing about what you wrote above is: "he invited her to come visit and SHE DECLINED."

 

If she really felt (in her gut) that something was there, she would have visited, to explore it further. My current girl lived very far away when we met...she couldn't resist being with me and moved to the city I lived in after we met (in part because my life was established and she was looking to move to a bigger city anyway). Regardless, distance won't stop a woman if she truly feels it's something amazing.

 

Lots of people are interesting in the beginning. I'm sure I could get along with many women for the honeymoon phase.

 

You've stood the test of time with this woman and she wants to call you her husband someday. THAT is a major confidence booster!!

 

If any of her exes were amazing, she'd still be with them. Sure, we all think about them on occasion, but an ex is an ex for a reason. Comparing a ONS to a real relationship is also something most women won't put any weight on.

 

I'm confident you can do this. Become the man that makes you happy within. Then, you'll attract everything you desire

[tattoobunnie]

Shoulda, woulda, coulda...you need to get a grip (and I mean that lovingly).

 

If she wanted to move away to be with him, she would have. Focus on what's in front of you now. Not the past. It's like saying, she should also consider that you may have an old flame that you have unfinished business with, and would drop your fiance like a box of rocks if opportunity knocks. And you know what, I don't think that's the case. So, why would it be with her?

 

And even if she wonders, what if...it doesn't matter. What you have is real...real love, trust, and a partnership. In fact to share my neurosis with you, I asked the same about a friend that my guy dated like 10 years ago (I dated him 14 years ago for short time) cuz she was awesome. It totally ate at me. And you know what...I felt good talking about it even though it sounded dumb and irrational. His view on it...she's not the same person and he wouldn't jump on it. He knows and I know what we have is the real deal, and the best.

 

This is not a one way street, its a two-way conversation (so have one). Being vulnerable to the person you're planning to spend the rest of your life with makes you stronger.