I can't wait to go home

[alli]

I have never seen so much waste, fraud and abuse in my life as I have in the past 5 months. It is absolutely ridiculous what we will drop on one little thing in a day. One example is just a little grounds improvement at a certain location that failed because the people working there didn't feel it was important enough to move their cars. We still had to pay the contractor $17,000. That's right: seventeen THOUSAND. And that is just one little thing, in one location, in one day. I sure could use that kind of money to go to school when I get home, but no, let's waste it on a project that didn't even happen.

 

It is complete waste. And no wonder they try to squeeze every dime out that they can; we make it look like the money falls from the sky every time it rains. But you can't see it when you look around here. It still looks as crappy as ever.

 

They don't want to improve things themselves. They want us to do it for them and they play dumb so we will. Well, I'm not going to do it anymore. It just ticks me off how hard we all have to work to make our money, but all these people have to do are claim they absolutely need whatever it is they are asking for, and we give it to them. So many new schools have been built and the ones that are just 5 years old are already falling apart. There are plenty of other places at home and in the whole world that need just as much. Why don't we just slow down & spend the money more carefully. And make the people do some of the work themselves before just giving them more.

 

It just irritates me. I used to think it was the right thing to be here. Now I just think it's all a waste. The amount of money we are pouring down the drain here is not nearly producing the results for this country to stand up on it's own. It's just making them more dependent on us. Why are we pouring all this money into this place when it isn't even making a difference? There are plenty of ways that money can be used at home to help people that would actually produce results. I'm both irritated with the way I feel like we're getting played here, and they way we just keep right on giving it to them. Some places look ok here. I went to a shopping center the other day that looked pretty westernized, but the whole time it was in the back of my mind that someone would walk up to us with bomb strapped to them and detonate. Especially in some areas, I would look around and see that no one was near us, and yet everyone far away just staring. The places that look the most comfortable are the ones that are the most dangerous. I try not to think about it every day that I'm on the road, but it's always in the back of my mind. I'd like my life to not end here. Yes, here's millions of dollars every day; now please don't blow me up. Thanks.

 

And another thing that really gets to me is the staring. All of the local women wear either a scarf over their head or a burka. I don't wear either because it's not part of the uniform. But the people just STARE. It's not even for a few extra seconds, they eyes are just glued to me from the time they see me until I am out of view. What, you've never seen hair before? I just hate it. It's very uncomfortable and I feel like it's so rude. Yeah, I know why they do it. They don't ever see white women with blonde hair without a scarf. I don't care if there's a reason for it, it just ticks me off. You have no idea how much it can get to you. Just imagine if everywhere you went, EVERYONE was looking at you the whole time. It's unnerving.

 

Anyway, I'm ready to be done here and I would really like to never come back again.

[TidalWave]

I understand your irritation in a way. In regards to money wasted, that is.

 

I'm in a corporate world and I see everyday what a mess it is. The bigger the company the less organized it is and more money it wastes. Now I'm a perfectionist, you see. And I actually see everything that could be improved and things could be twisted around. I see the potential, in companies, in people that work in them and it irritates me and makes me sad to see, how this potential is being wasted or/and not used. How retarded and ridiculous shizz we have to put up with every day.

 

Nowadays people go to work and are indifferent towards their jobs. There's little to none motivation for improvement and progression. And I really love making things better! The whole process of improvement inspires me and motivates me. The better I or someone/something gets, the more I'm driven to continue.

 

That is why I chose the meaning of my life to be making life better! For myself, for people around me. I study project management and I have this clear vision. I will become one of the top world class project managers this world has ever seen and will create such working environment for people working with me that every one of them will be thrilled to wake up in the morning and go to work! It won't be a job, but a party where dreams happen in a true team spirit.

 

However crazy and daring it may sound. I will not give it up until I make it come true!

[sophie274]

Hi alli,

 

I'm really sorry you're feeling this way. I imagine you went into your career thinking at least in part because you thought you could do something worthwhile and it must be very frustrating to feel like you're just throwing money away and perhaps not making a big impact ... wasting time and putting yourself at risk.

 

I'm sure you also just want to vent, and I don't want to moralize or lecture - and certainly I've been to developing countries that are much richer than the one you're in, and felt frustrated by the way people treated me as a "rich" Westerner, and to countries of the same culture but much less conservative where I felt really frustrated by the way people treated me as a woman. So I hope I don't sound pompous and I don't mean to suggest it's easy ... but also when you get so frustrated and upset remember what those people have gone through. I mean you just can't overlook the fact that they have been in a war-torn country for 30 years, have been living in a war zone that long, and that their lives, for the overwhelming majority, have honestly been UTTER CRAP for over a generation. I mean half the population can't remember not being at war or being waged war on by their own "government". I think when people live in conditions like that they adopt a "kill or be killed, dominate or be dominated, eat or be eaten" mentality, and are extremely single-minded and "materialistic"(if you can even call it that) simply because they can't afford to be. And then as regards the West they are extremely suspicious and have a certain "what have you done for me lately?" mentality, because they've generally gotten the short end of the stick in the past. I'm sure part of their "laziness" or attitude that they can't be bothered (like with moving the cars) is that it's hard to get yourself excited and motivated again when you don't truly believe in lasting change.

 

As for them staring at you, yes, you must be a novelty! Not to mention the women dress so modestly that, for us, it would be like seeing a woman walk down the street in broad daylight in the winter in skimpy lingerie. You could try covering - I've done so in similar situations - but unfortunately they would probably still stare.

 

It must be really awful to feel afraid every day. You're very brave. I hope the time passes quickly and you can come home safe and sound!

[greywolf]

 

And another thing that really gets to me is the staring. All of the local women wear either a scarf over their head or a burka. I don't wear either because it's not part of the uniform. But the people just STARE. It's not even for a few extra seconds, they eyes are just glued to me from the time they see me until I am out of view. What, you've never seen hair before? I just hate it. It's very uncomfortable and I feel like it's so rude. Yeah, I know why they do it. They don't ever see white women with blonde hair without a scarf. I don't care if there's a reason for it, it just ticks me off. You have no idea how much it can get to you. Just imagine if everywhere you went, EVERYONE was looking at you the whole time. It's unnerving.

 

I have experienced that. =/ I finally learned that if you stared right back at them, they'd stop.

[thejigsup]

Well, it's their society so cover your head and the stares will stop. It's always appreciated when foreigner respect the rules of the society they are in, even when they don't agree with them.

[alli]

Well, it's their society so cover your head and the stares will stop. It's always appreciated when foreigner respect the rules of the society they are in, even when they don't agree with them.

 

I can't; I wear a US military uniform and a headscarf is not an authorized piece of clothing in my unit. Every part of my body is covered except my hands and my face already. I mentor the police and if I dress like their woman they will see me as inferior and not listen to me and probably beat me the way they beat their own wives. Things would be different if I worked with women, but I don't. I work with all men, and they need to see that my authority is based on my responsibilities and my rank, not my gender.

 

And greywolf, believe it or not I tried that!! It didn't work. Half of them kept staring exactly the same as they did when I didn't stare back. The other half started giggling. Apparently prolonged eye contact means the same thing to some people here as it does in the US- that you find them attractive, and that wasn't the message I was trying to send.

 

In any event, the Taliban sent guys to attack us. The blew up the entrance, blew themselves up & one of my guys was injured significantly. I was so afraid I would find out he was dead; he was right there next to the suicide bomber when he detonated himself. Thanks Koran-burning pastor dude. That's the reason they did it. Poke the bear with a hot stick why don't you, and act suprised when they retaliate with violence. If they made it in we would have had a lot of people killed right where we all live, eat and sleep. Nice way to wake up in the morning. Grenades & pop pop pops.

 

What does a suicide bomber think the night before when he goes to bed? What does he eat for his last meal? Say goodbye to his family & kids? I can't believe how many people here think it is the honorable thing here to take the lives of others. How do they convince women to blow themselves up? Are they also told there are 100 virgin men waiting for them next to allah?

 

I freaking hate this country.

[alli]

So after the attack on us yesterday, I posted something on facebook saying "I'm here", just to show that I was still around in case my family/friends heard about the attack. I don't want to tell them that we had a close call and a bunch of people could have been killed and make them worry, but if I don't tell about it I was afraid they would see the news articles and worry since I hadn't contacted them.

 

Anyway, my sister interpreted my post to mean that I was saying I was bored. So she writes this whole response saying that I need to portray a good attitude and stop counting down the time until I leave, and that I should stop complaining about being bored because "not everyone in Afghanistan has that luxury".

 

God, she pisses me off so much! I never said I was bored. Gee, thanks for the update on the luxuries of life in Afghanistan. God knows you haven't lived it. She was in the Army too and purposefully moved to another state to avoid a deployment to Iraq she knew was coming, so stop freaking telling me how to live my life in a combat zone when you don't wonder every single day if this would be the last day of your life. The day that a suicide bomber would walk up to you and detonate. That you won't get sniped, or have someone just walk up to you and shoot you. Don't tell me what attitude to give to my Soldiers after they finish picking up the body parts and chunks of flesh. But no, I can't tell her that. She will just get all offended like she is the wounded one. And I don't even initiate a conversation with her. She just walks all over people and the second they stand up for themselves she plays the victim. God, she makes me so mad.

 

She's mostly just hurt that I wouldn't let her come on my leave with my mom & I. I didn't want her to come because she has to control every situation, and she calls my mom & I names. Sorry, I'm not letting you drive a train over the only 2 weeks out of the year. It is supposed to be a time to relax, and she would just drive my blood pressure up. But I hate how passive-aggressive she acts to me. She will say something totally condescending in one sentence, and the next be like "and have a good time on your trip!".

 

If it wasn't for my mom, I think I would choose to not continue a relationship with her. I don't even do anything to her. She comes at me like a ton of bricks, then gets upset that I won't let her walk all over me. I can't believe that we can't even get along after not seeing each other for a year while I am here.

[alli]

I think I might need a break from this place for a while. I'm having trouble sympathizing with petty relationship worries when there's still pieces of human flesh that I drive past every day.

[SnowFox]

I couldn't rep you for some reason, but I LOVED this comment!!! I feel like I could have written it, except for the part where you talk about being a project manager, because I do something else for a career, but other than that, I could have written this.

 

My company (small) recently merged with a bigger company. There is so much bureaucracy and waste, so many processes that could be improved. So much potential that is wasted. I see very little drive in the overwhelming majority of people I work with. It is frustrating to watch.