Hope for those who think it won't happen

[spaceandtime]

I just feel compelled to post this, because it has been a REALLY difficult 9 months for me after splitting with my ex late last year. Anyway, the break up was horrible. I lost completely all track of who I was / what the relationship was or wasn't (it turned out she saw me in a completely different way) and my confidence in myself and relationships was completely sapped.

 

Anyway, 9 months of NC have followed (with occasional correspondence, which quite frankly, just set things back further) but in that time I worked MASSIVELY on self-improvement, working through the feelings, taking each day at a time, training, getting to know myself again. All the time though, I felt I'd never, ever meet anyone who touch that part of my heart again (either cause it had been broken beyond repair or because I simply would never let someone come in that close, to be so hurt).

 

Anyway, last weekend, over the most random course of events (which will probably feature in a movie one day), I met someone else, who I completely thought was out of my league. Until, we spent two days in each other's company and it turns out that she, too, feels the same way about me. The power of this union sent shockwaves through my soul and has relinquished my belief in love again. Except this time I'm stronger and wiser to recognise how to deal with it so that I don't make the same mistakes as last time around.

 

My advice to people going through difficulty is:

 

1. Use No Contact to allow yourself to heal properly. Don't use it as a subconscious motivator to get back together with your ex. If you do that, you're not really using it properly. No Contact exists to find yourself again, work through the feelings and let go of the hurt. Not to play psychological mindgames with your ex.

 

2. Breakup is a painful experience but can also be a sophisticated blessing. It is God's way of forcing you to progress, develop, find strength and grow and reminding you if the importance of loving yourself as a human being. Unless we love ourselves, we are incapable of loving others properly. Use the time to push yourself spiritually, mentally and physically.

 

3. Hard as it is, take the focus off your ex and put it into the things you've always wanted to do or never believed you could. In my healing time, I have completed things that one year ago I never thought I was capable of as a human being. I've raised lots of money for charity, I've learned meditation, I've taken more time to understand my friends and family, I've got more emotional intelligence than ever before and I've completed physical challenges of cycling and running that I never thought I could. By challenging ourselves and achieving, we are injecting our life with self-worth.

 

4. Recognise what you did wrong, or what was wrong about the relationship, but don't beat yourself up about it. Ultimately, you cannot be in control of your destiny. Yes you may have done things that make you feel responsible for the breakup, but ultimately, you cannot be in control of the larger forces in life. Take heed in the saying, 'what's meant to be will be', and learn to let go.

 

5. When you do eventually find the next person (even though you think it impossible now), you will have the benefit of hindsight on your side. You know yourself better, what you want and what you need for a fulfilling relationship. Imagine you're a captain who has just returned from an a long training periond. Your challenge is to navigate the ship of your soul through the relationship, so that it is fulfilling for you, and that your wants and needs are expressed and fulfilled. Learning from your past makes the future all the more satisfying.

 

I know this is all quite esoteric, but I hope people find hope and strength in it. Good luck.

[lisaria]

WOW spaceandtime!!!

What a wonderful post. Thank you.

[ForAnother]

Thank you. I really think that your 1st rule (NC for yourself not the ex) is the best suggestion I have seen in a while. I believe that NC is for you and not to get someone back. Heal up on your own.

 

Excellent!

 

ForAnother

[PoetGirl]

Thank you so much for that wonderful post. All of the posts on this site are so uplifting and it's really gotten me through the most tough 4 weeks I've ever dealt with. I recently started NC with my ex (last Friday) after 3 weeks of crying and being miserable over the phone. We still care for each other, but I can't talk to him right now because I need to move forward--and, you're right I need time for myself for a change. I will work on myself for a while and then hopefully, like you have, I will meet someone special.

[deebee]

Good for you spaceandtime. There's hope for us all!

[MrMikeWikowski]

NC does help. I is hard, but it certainly helps you heal. I don't think you should do NC to get your ex back, but rather to rebuild yourself. If they come back, great, then you can make another decision. If not you are on your way to true happiness yourself

 

Mike

[Katheelynn]

I have to admit that when I first read your posting I wanted to say "oh sure, listen to you now that your in love again. Youve got all the advice, I guess you have forgotten all the P A I N." But, I know you havent forgotten. Most of what you said I agree with and overall I feel like your right on the money. I paid th e most attention to the part you said about being guilty of doing something that may have contributed to the breakup. That hit home cos I think I did. I have never been able to love me. Poor self image and all that. MY ex had me believing I was wonderful and beautiful. He treated me like a Queen. I actually thought I was. I admit I acted spoiled at times. We never fought cept bout my son. Ultimately, I guess that is what caused the divorce. It happened in a split second. He pushed the divorce thru. He even made a statement about as soon as he moved out, his heartburn stopped. The second day the divorce was final, he called the kids and asked if they wanted to be in his wedding. That was it. 16 years of me thinking I was ok was gone in a flash. The anger was so overwhelming; second only to the self image screaming at me "I told you that your not worth it". I have accepted the anger and it has almost gone. I honestly dont think I could accept love again. I guess IM broken. I do want to laugh again and enjoy having a mate. Im 52 and young for my age. Not many are interested in my age with kids still living at home. I have lost my beauty..in and out!!

[spaceandtime]

No, I definitely have not forgotten the pain. The pain lingers on, but its channelled in a defiance not to let the ex who broke my heart determine the destiny of the rest of my life.

 

The pain she has inflicted has made me stronger, more powerful, more enriched as a human being and ultimately a better person.

 

I would only urge you to start believing in the possibility of change. That is the start. Negative self-talk only prolongs the agony......