aamansj Posted March 30, 2011 Share Posted March 30, 2011 How do you deal with a potential future wife who's life goal is to not have to work? She's wants to be a traditional gal who can be domestic and stay-at-home mom. She's also a modern gal who drives a car and has the need to travel internationally at least 3 times a year. Link to comment
RST Posted March 30, 2011 Share Posted March 30, 2011 Why does she think she has the potential of becoming a future wife? Link to comment
annony Posted March 30, 2011 Share Posted March 30, 2011 Being a stay at home mom involves sacrifice. It doesn't mean that your husband looks after you and you have all of your free time to just enjoy life while he works. The transition to being a housewife often involves cutting back to one car per family, and reducing vacations. I was one for a long time, and a big part of my job was figuring out how to save the money my husband was making. I would spend a lot of time finding deals on things, and figuring out how to live with less. Link to comment
CordelliaG Posted March 30, 2011 Share Posted March 30, 2011 Sounds like she doesn't want to work at all! Including the work it takes to be a housewife! I used to think that being a houswife would be the easy way out and although it's not something I am personally inclined to (I find work stimulating and would want to work even if I won the lottery!) I am very impressed by the amount of sacrifice people put into being homemakers. A few of my good friends have just had babies and they work around the clock, breastfeeding every two hours, etc etc. Of course it's not like that forever...kids grow up...but you sure don't get to travel as much!!! Driving her own car is not a big deal though, that's needed (depending on where you live). The thing is, what if you get married and then something happens to you? How will she support herself? I totally understand wanting to stay at home if you have small children until they are in school/nursery but after that then what? Does she have hobbies or artistic pursuits she wants to pursue? Does she want to go back to school? There are a lot of factors to this but unless you are super rich it's going to be difficult to do all this travel etc on one person's salary (unless you don't mind roughing it and going to cheap places like South America or India)..oh and how will you get enough leave from work for all this travel? Curious what culture/country you are from though as this could make a difference... Link to comment
CordelliaG Posted March 30, 2011 Share Posted March 30, 2011 Oh it says you are in California...yeah that lifestyle will be hard to pull off. I suggest starting a computer company. Link to comment
BMP2CPM Posted March 30, 2011 Share Posted March 30, 2011 The fact that you have to ask means you have your doubts of a long-term situation with her. It really sounds like the main issue is one of finances. No income on her part, yet her expenses of frequent travel. If you have kids, will she still travel, leaving you to be the earner and caretaker of the children? Marrying a woman with the traditional housewife role or marrying a woman that makes as much or more than you, both scenarios have their advantages and disadvantages. If you 2 divorce, you don't have to pay out money to her for years. Traditional housewife: She can raise the kids while you are the provider; She must know and like cooking and grocery shopping because you''l be busy earning for the family. If you 2 divorce, you're looking at lot's of payments to her while she doesn't have to work for years and gets to be with other men. Wife who earns as much or more than you: More financial security; she must not spend more than she earns, otherwise it's not worth it to be with her. You may have to do more non-traditional male roles. In both scenarios, you'll see less of your wife because 1 or both of you are busy working. If you aren't planning on kids than there's no reason to marry a traditional housewife. Make sure she has a lot to offer you because her looks will fade. Good luck! Link to comment
nutbrownhare Posted March 30, 2011 Share Posted March 30, 2011 You know, I prefer the word 'partner' to wife ... because it does actually suggest that you're in this together! Unless you earn enough and are prepared to support someone else's dream lifestyle, then find a woman who's prepared to put in as much as you do. Of course, there are many ways of doing this - not necessarily financially - but that wanting international travel and her own transport without actually paying for it sound a bit worrying. How to deal with the situation? Work out what you want to give to a relationship - any relationship - and what you want to gain from it. Discuss the same with her. If there really is no compromise, then move on. If you're madly in love with her at the moment and that's the reason why you think she's a potential future wife - remember that resentment has the potential to grow on either side and will likely kill the love. You will feel resentful if you're working all hours to support someone else's hedonism; or she will get resentful at being expected to stand on her own two feet and not get the freebies to which she feels entitled. In the days when gender roles were more specifically defined and, arguably, oppressed both parties, a woman assuming that she would not be working outside the home would not be a cause for concern. However, these days when so many more options are open to us, someone opting for this lifestyle but still wanting the benefits that would arise if she HAD been working smacks of 'little princess' stuff. Approach with caution! Link to comment
DN Posted March 30, 2011 Share Posted March 30, 2011 She wants an income that will support the lifestyle she expects but she wants you to earn it. The children are a means to that end. Link to comment
Timbertea Posted March 30, 2011 Share Posted March 30, 2011 If it were me...I would be asking the question: What am I getting in exchange for a large chunk of my salary, time, and life that could be spend doing *something else* or even being with someone else? What is your worth? As a practical matter young kids often require it, and the math pretty much only works out that way (plus better for kids generally), but she has some pretty high expectations for this life. The kind that lead me to ask questions like, will she be asking for a housekeeper, and a nanny too to go with this? Link to comment
sidehop Posted March 30, 2011 Share Posted March 30, 2011 I don't know about this expectation of having to travel three times a year internationally. I can understand traditional roles and mom's who want to stay at home. But certain expectations like hers can cause a long term conflict; depends on the couple of course. Personally I'd be very cautious. Link to comment
atlanticstar Posted March 30, 2011 Share Posted March 30, 2011 - She's wants to be a traditional gal who can be domestic and stay-at-home mom. - She's also a modern gal who drives a car and has the need to travel internationally at least 3 times a year. Well unless she can find someone who is rich and happy to support this ideology then she is going to have to choose between one or the other. As one of the other posts mentioned, this smacks of 'princess' mentality which is always one of 'entitlement'. I've been in that position before. Yuk. The other option of course is that you find yourself three or more jobs and work 24 hours a day but I suspect nothing is ever going to be enough. Also remember whilst you're always at work (neglecting her?) she'll need to be entertained so budget accordingly for that too. ](*,) Link to comment
agent1607307371 Posted March 30, 2011 Share Posted March 30, 2011 Does she have family outside the US? Because a need is very different to a desire. Link to comment
FathomFear Posted March 30, 2011 Share Posted March 30, 2011 Does she have family outside the US? Because a need is very different to a desire. Well, even if it's family it's still a desire and not a necessity. Unless she's acquired a rather substantial inheritance or trust fund, there's no way she can be a stay-at-home mother while leading that kind of lifestyle. Unless, of course, she wants her husband to support that. Link to comment
agent1607307371 Posted March 30, 2011 Share Posted March 30, 2011 Well, even if it's family it's still a desire and not a necessity. Definitely not a 3x a year necessity. Link to comment
StrawberryYogurt Posted March 30, 2011 Share Posted March 30, 2011 I say don't deal with it. Let her be some other dude's problem. She sounds like a user, just telling you straight up. Stay at home mother is fine to a point, but someone who doesn't want to work and hasn't saved up to make that a reality? And she wants to travel internationally 3X a year? Ha Ha Ha! Not good. Run, run fast! Link to comment
NANsense Posted March 30, 2011 Share Posted March 30, 2011 How do you deal with a potential future wife who's life goal is to not have to work? She's wants to be a traditional gal who can be domestic and stay-at-home mom. She's also a modern gal who drives a car and has the need to travel internationally at least 3 times a year. How long have you been with this gal--and is this a big surprise? She has every right to want whatever she wants--and so do you! If this is not the woman for you--whether you have different aspirations, or don't see yourself as ever being able to afford the lifestyle she wants--then it sounds like it's time for you to bid farewell... There's no shame in this--it sounds to me that her goal are a bit unrealistic--with exception to a handful of the population that could sponsor such a lifestyle (unless your last names Kennedy?)....and TBH this sounds like a situation where you'd be living a miserable existence, working 24/7 trying to keep her in designer clothes and chauffeuring her to the airport--meanwhile you'll be taking your blood pressure pills! Just my opinion... Link to comment
Batya33 Posted March 30, 2011 Share Posted March 30, 2011 If she has a child and takes care of the child full time that is work. If her goal is "not to work" I would worry about her lack of a work ethic and worry that she wouldn't want to do the hard work of being a full time mother As far as travel -it depends if you can afford it and if you also like to travel -I don't think wanting to travel is "modern" and I don't think wanting to be a full time mom is necessarily "traditional" but I do think having a goal of not wanting to work inside or outside the home is "lazy". Link to comment
DN Posted March 30, 2011 Share Posted March 30, 2011 Assume for a moment that you were to agree to her staying at home to look after the children. What happens after they are grown? Link to comment
Firiel Posted March 30, 2011 Share Posted March 30, 2011 I would worry about the "need" to travel internationally three times a year... that seems utterly ridiculous to me. I don't think there is anything wrong with desiring to be a stay-at-home mom as long as the reason is because she wants to raise her children. I mean, if raising kids wasn't work, people wouldn't pay daycare workers to do it. It needs to be something you decide together as a couple, but (for instance) my husband and I have both agreed we don't want our kids to spend eight hours a day in daycare. If, however, she wants to stay at home with her kids because she doesn't want to work... it's another thing entirely. Raising kids IS work... and she'll have a surprise on her hands. Does she show laziness and entitlement in other areas of her life? Examining this question might shed light on her motivations in this case. Edit: In a lot of places, a car is basically a necessity, even if you are a stay-at-home mom. Many cities don't have a good public transit system, and a stay-at-home mother's responsibilities often include things like running errands and going grocery shopping... Link to comment
NANsense Posted March 30, 2011 Share Posted March 30, 2011 It seems we are all wondering how YOU feel about this yourself? Link to comment
Blue Spiral Posted March 30, 2011 Share Posted March 30, 2011 In the words of Homer Simpson, "Run like the wind, boy!" Link to comment
catfeeder Posted March 31, 2011 Share Posted March 31, 2011 If you believe that a maintaining a car and trips is all she'd demand from someone willing to indulge her, you haven't learned the half of it. You can deal with her any way you'd like--it's a self limiting problem, you can only take on so much debt. Link to comment
Squiggy Posted March 31, 2011 Share Posted March 31, 2011 Before marrying her, very important to get prenuptials. It's very common nowadays and it's a smart thing to do. Worst case scenario, it leaves things simple and organized. I like the idea of a housewife. It's more if a traditional thing even before my parents generation. Once you guys have kids, it will become cheaper and your kid(s) can have more of wholesome life/cheaper too. Wholesome I mean to have a parent dedicate more time for activities, school work, caregiving. Your wife can also get involved with their school and community which is very seldom with the working class. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted April 1, 2011 Share Posted April 1, 2011 Before marrying her, very important to get prenuptials. It's very common nowadays and it's a smart thing to do. Worst case scenario, it leaves things simple and organized. I like the idea of a housewife. It's more if a traditional thing even before my parents generation. Once you guys have kids, it will become cheaper and your kid(s) can have more of wholesome life/cheaper too. Wholesome I mean to have a parent dedicate more time for activities, school work, caregiving. Your wife can also get involved with their school and community which is very seldom with the working class. But if her goal is not to work she probably will do the minimum amount of work -or none- in the school or community. Link to comment
LAYAAN Posted April 2, 2011 Share Posted April 2, 2011 But if her goal is not to work she probably will do the minimum amount of work -or none- in the school or community. No, I think she doesn't want to go to work and be expected to earn money. But the OP didn't mention that she doesn't want to be involved in her kids' lives either. Link to comment
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