Interesting Conversation

[Nappyloxs]

I have been meaning to post this for awhile.

 

Last Tuesday I had a bad day, even posted about it. The next day, Wednesday, was much better. Interestingly, I had a conversation with a co-worker in the mail room out of nowhere.

 

The conversation was mainly about her and her husband. She is 45-55 and her husband is 65-70. She was so happy talking about her relationship and they have been married for 8 yrs. She seemed as happy as the day they got married. She spoke about how they barely knew each other when they got married and how they went through some rough patches through the years with getting to live together and finding the right balance.

 

She was just so happy talking about him, and how he was her best friend, and communication. She talked about how she was in a 17 yr marriage before and it was terrible.

 

What was strange to me is that this came out of nowhere. I did not ask for this information. It just came up.

 

So I immediately started thinking, "this is what I use to preach to my ex. about, being best friends and communicating." Soon as we hit our rough patch, she replaced me as her best friend and she never communicated with me.

 

So its a week later, and I am off work sick (nothing major but get to think).

 

Throughout the week, I realize that in my relationship I learned about being a best friend, hard work, communication, love, respect, and a lot of things. Sadly, I realized what I learned after the major breakup. (Aug. 09). I know I was not perfect or right during our time together but deep inside I did want to admit all I had learned until after she left.

 

So now I kind of realized that my relationship with her taught me these great things in a relationship. I would love for a woman to brag/talk/whatever about me like my co-worker. Just honestly happy with me every single day.

 

So I use to think my ex. did not appreciate what I meant by best friends as she always so easily replaced me with whoever sided with her. I always felt she was using these people to push herself away from us. Now, I kind of realize that our relationship taught her different lessons. I don't know what they are, but they were different.

 

I think of love like my co-worker. Last time, I remember, my ex. admitted she did not know what love is anymore.

 

I also read a post the other day about a girl who left a guy shortly after he lost his job and that she thought he should be handling things a different way. It reminded me of my ex. He and his girl were older than my ex and I. The reason I mention this is because I would hope my ex. realizes what my co-worker found is spectacular. Sadly, I wasn't the one to find it with her, but I found the meaning of a good healthy relationship during our relationship. I hope she finds it also even though it won't be with me. My ex. main problem was that she was a runner. As soon as things got tough and weren't all sweet and good and the way she wanted, she would runner. Whether it was moving out, or finding other people who will support her side/feelings, or breaking up. I really hope she finds that thing that is worth fighting for.

 

On a side note. I sometimes hate that it really has been a 1.5 since we really broke up. That this month would be our 4 year anniversary. I am finally tired of this love stuff. For the last 1.5 yrs, its been about either my ex. or finding someone to replace her. I have gone a a few b.s. dates, but nothing that last more than a few dates. I go out and meet women which can be fun. But I finally just tried of having to meet or talk to someone. My life is actually been pretty great since the breakup. I have a new job, new car, financially stable, I have my personality back, and I am really happy just being alone and single at this point in my life. For the last 1.5 yrs, I felt the need to be in a relationship or felt the need to be validated or wanted by someone. I am just tired of feeling that need. I have dated and some women have been interested, but I realize I am not interested in a relationship right now. My friend says I scorn or whatever, I guess. I spent a lot of time and energy in one woman (nevermind that she always said I wasn't good enough), but I just don't want to put that time and energy into another woman right now. I rather just put it into myself and enjoy my freedom while it lasts.

[charity]

sounds like you are in a very good place my friend. you have come out of a hard experience with wisdom and maturity. i like that you didn't bad mouth your ex. its up up from here.

[Tryptophan]

I think sometimes we just miss what we got out of the relationship and mistakenly try to find someone to "replace them" but sometimes we just need to date ourselves. We are with ourselves all the time, so before we learn to be with someone else, we need to know we are okay with being alone without bringing other people into our lives.

 

Someone said that to me and I think it's hit me that maybe it is true, maybe I just need to date myself, treat myself better before I move on to someone else. I have been with someone - or thinking about someone, obsessing over someone, getting over someone - all my life. Sometimes we just need a break.

 

Good luck on whatever you decide to do. Like charity said, you didn't badmouth her, which means there's no anger. That's always good. Sometimes anger is harder to get over than the actual love. Anger usually requires some action , like in my case.

[Nappyloxs]

Thanks.

 

I never really went through the anger stage. I went through the whole narcissiat bpd stage, but never angry at her. Even in the relationship, I never stayed mad at her. I would get mad for a moment and then get over it. She was different. She would stay mad or run.

 

I guess I never went through the angry stage because I was lucky. My ex did not cheat on me or leave me for someone else. She left me because she was not happy in the relationship. We were together at a difficult time in my left with me starting my own business and not having a lot of money. She had been used by her ex before me and though I was going to use her. I got a lot of help from my family during that time. Unfortunately she thought I was using them and would use her. Funny that she never really knew me. It use to make me mad when my friends wives and girlfriends would help them and support them whether emotional or financially and I had to come home to a girl who I knew would not support me either way. Basically their girlfirends say a future in them and the best in them and my ex didnt.

 

But I also understand that women want safety and security from a man and I was not providing that at that period of time. So I can not be mad at her for that.

 

I realize know and I think I always knew this, but that we just have different personalities and values. I fight through and for everything. The relationship, when I ran my own business,etc... I never gave up because I was always optimistic and saw the best in everything. She saw things differently. It does not make her wrong or bad.

[superfox]

Hi!

I totally understand your initial post. At christmas i visited my parents and our old neighbours popped in to visit, this couple are in their 70's and i've known them since i was born but i saw them as who they are this day. They chatted to me and listened to each other and seemed so content, laughing and joking and happy, even when poking fun at each other. And i realised, that's exactly what i want

 

lust and attraction are a great start but what next? It sounds so tedious listing values and having the same ideals but that is what helps. I used to take my bf's comments about us and companionship and him being lonely when i wasn't there as insults about my sex appeal i guess! But i totally get what he means now. We visited his mum and stepdad (blissfully happy) and they were winding each other up and laughing and i realised that that is exactly what we've got together and it makes me so happy.

 

i literally only know 2 women who never have a bad word to say about their partners and their's are the happiest relationships i know, like your co-worker. it makes you think, so many people have niggles about their wives/husbands gf/bf whatever but think about the ones who always big them up, not many i bet!

[Nappyloxs]

Yeah its is rare, but it is out there. I have two friends (2 couples) who are totally happy with their relationships. Sadly it took the breakup for me to realize (or so I thought) that my ex was my best friend (in a strange way, because friends support each other). But I realize now what I am looking for in a partner.

 

My ex realized I was not going to be that guy for her. (she wanted a lot of superfical stuff). But I think she is entitled to find him as I am her.

 

another funny thing I thought about today was what am I really missing with her. I once made us read a book called the 5 love language or something. My ex definitely only felt love for what someone does for her. For example, her sprinkler sytem did not work she wanted me to fix it. I had recently fixed my own system, spent all types of money doing needless things. Basically trial and error. My system just needed a new timer. So when hers was not working, I told her she needed a new timer as it was the same as mine. She got so mad at me. I knew she wanted two things. She wanted me to go through the whole trial and error on her system to feel love and in the alternative she wanted me to buy the timer ($50). of course, I did neither so I was the terrible boyfriend.

 

Sometimes I realize that she is the sweetest girl in the world. and I use to get a little mad knowing that she is being all nice and sweet to some new guy. But I know that she is demanding and I was lucky to get out. I did fix every, computers, cars, house repairs, and on top of that I am good lucking and sucessfully. I really truly believe again that I am a great catch and was a good boyfriend to her. In the end, I really believe it is her lost, and not mine.

 

So for rambling