Swallowing my pride?

[Asmokraemer]

My boyfriend just moved in with me. We've been together for nearly three years now and for a long time, our relationship was composed of us trying to get each other better. I met him at school and it was great the summer we dated then once he got back into school some serious problems hit him and he became suicidal. I pulled him out from the bottom and pushed him to get help. Three years later, he is finally getting back on his feet. (He had to drop out of school and has been to various medical and mental doctors) During his ordeal, I was struggling with my abusive past and these issues combined were a real drain on us and made things very difficult. Somehow, we managed to stick it out and I now realize that both of us being sick forced the other to push through our issues harder than we would ever have on our own. It was hard, but I am grateful for this. Now that he's moved in, his family's hatred of me has really come through.

He went to visit them tonight because his grandparents are in town and came back almost in tears because he felt like a stranger. His mom gave him "looks of disgust" (according to him) and will often glare at him/not talk to him because she's so upset. Apparently his grandparents seemed more fine than his parents about the whole thing but who really knows. My boyfriend says they think that if he lives with me he wont go back to school (Not true at all. Its his dearest wish to finish what he's started) and that all his money will go to rent, he will end up in a dead end job, that I will get pregnant and "trap" him (I'm on birth control and have been for sometime now), that I control/push him around and all these other awful and untrue things. I have always encouraged him heavily to get better, go back to school/save his money, be true to himself (especially when this means standing up to me because I like it when he does that), etc. He says he is happy with me and wants us all to get along. I would like this too but have never really cared too much because I felt they never accepted me for me, no matter what "me" happened to be. But after seeing the pain in his eyes...I couldn't believe how much it killed me. I ache for him during this and I want to help. I have decided that its time to swallow my (foolish?) pride and do what I can to connect with his parents. (I have tried in the past and it seemed to work a little, but either it was a farce or him moving in was too much for them to handle. He said tonight his dad said it wasn't happy about him moving in and "wouldn't be for some time" and then his mom piped up and said "forever")

 

I am looking for any advice people can give me. I have no problem never seeing them but again, I come from an abusive family and family really doesn't mean much to me. It means a lot to him and I want to give this to him.

[RedDress]

Yanno... this was me 15 years ago - only I was your bf. I dropped out of school and moved in with my bf. My parents freaked and were worried that I wouldn't go back to school. My bf came from an abusive home. He didn't care about family but was willing to try for me...

 

You know how it worked out? My parents were right that I wasn't able to go back to school while living with him. It costs a lot of money and it's not just school expenses you have to think about but living expenses too - unless, of course, you are planning to take HUGE loans. No one can work full time and go to school full time at the same time (I tried) for more than a few months. You have a nervous breakdown.

 

My bf indeed tried to smooth things over, and it worked to a certain extent. We invited them for supper. He came to stuff and was polite. He helped my parents out on a number of occasions. They eventually warmed to him a little - but they never thought he was "the one" for me.

 

I eventually left him when I realized that my future was going to be dead-end if I didn't do something about it (ie: education) and he wasn't overly supportive of that (ie: he wasn't willing to take on additional financial burden). I worked and worked. We fought and fought (since I was never home - working and going to school full time and therefore we had no time together, despite living together).

 

If you want to avoid this same outcome, I think what you have to do is two-pronged:

 

1) Make a REAL effort to get to know his parents and get on their good side. This means inviting them to dinner. This means brushing off some rude stuff they may say. This means helping them out and going out of your way for them.

 

2) Make a REAL plan for how he's going to go back to school. It won't just happen. You need to research how much $$ it will cost for him to do this. How much money will he need to save? How long will it take to save that money? Is that a realistic goal? If you care for him (and your future together) - YOU should do this.

 

Another thing to consider... Why are you living together? If he's ok at home - why not push him to finish school first? Not only would that be better for HIM, but it would be better for YOU too, since he would be more financially stable when you eventually DO move in together.

 

Rather than being the parent's enemy... consider for a moment that they might be right. All they want is what's best for their son. Is what you are doing best for him (and therefore you)?

 

Probably not what you want to hear... but that was my experience. Just thought I'd share from someone who has been there.

[turnera]

If family members are a drain, avoid them. Surround yourselves with positive people.

[sidehop]

I think you still have the chance, it's finding the right opportunity in getting to know them; it could be that because of your past that you may be giving off a cold shoulder. But be patient and give it some time. Without them getting to know you, they can only speculate. There will be people who will judge but as long as you and your boyfriend's intentions are genuine, they will eventually accept you and what you two have. Best of luck!