9 years and 4 months down the drain.

[JerkBrokeMe]

Well I guess this is for advice but also just venting. Its going to be long and all over the place; I apologize in advance.

 

My first and only boyfriend, who I've dated since I was 16, broke up with me unexpectantly 5 weeks ago after being together for 9 years. We have never broken up before.

 

We had been fighting a lot and I even casually thought about ending it sometimes. After one STUPID fight he just said he couldn't do it anymore. He said he's still in love with me but its too hard. He said there is no one else, he's not even interested right now but our problems are something he just can't deal with anymore. He also promised not to see other girls for a long time, until I had a lot of time to heal...but I know in reality I have no control over that and if he meets someone that promise will be out the window.

 

Its like he just snapped. This was the first time he EVER mentioned breaking up in our 9 years together. I said it all the time in anger (never really meaning it and we would always make up before it came to that). He would usually plead with me. I guess in hindsight it was my manipulative way of getting him to show how much he cares. ugh. women. He never showed any signs of wanting to give up. I even asked him once: "If things between us never got any better than they are now would you still want to get married and spend your life with me?" and his answer was yes.

 

So you can imagine how blindsided I was when he just wouldn't listen to the fact that I admitted I had problems, that I wanted to work on them, can we please go to therapy together? The answers were all no and "yeah, NOW you want to." I asked if there was a chance we would ever get back together and the answer was no. I begged and pleaded, wrote like 9 page notes, called like a crazy person for about 2 weeks and then I found this site and calmed down quite a bit. I saw how much I was pushing him away.

 

I honestly believe the majority of our problems are my fault. Most of our fights were because of me being moody, jealous, always wanting my way, never appreciating how SWEET he is (he really was an almost perfect boyfriend), and not letting the little things go. Another big issue was me never wanting to go out and do things. I do have some legitimate injuries, but it was mostly due to my insecurities and low self esteem(although many people tell me I'm beautiful I feel very ugly and feel like people judge me ).

 

So I've been going to therapy by myself, trying to work on things. I've started taking lessons for some interests of mine that I had let fall by the wayside, and I've been doing a couple of other things for myself. But all I can think about is getting him back and mostly I just go to work and then go home, watch a bit of TV and go to sleep. I know the consensus on this board seems to be long term NC but I just don't believe in that entirely, if your goal is to get back together.

 

What I've been doing is not really initiating any contact. I let him contact me (which he rarely does) but I make sure to sound like I'm doing well, that I'm happy and I make sure I hang up the phone first. He seemed shocked and actually sounded depressed himself. After the first conversation like that he finally wanted to hang out with me! Instead of me asking and being shot down. We spent the day together and it was amazing.

 

I also stopped letting him kiss me and hold my hand when he saw me because I said he needed to make a decision. He hung his head and said "I know." I could tell he was shocked because the weeks before I was the one upset if he didn't feel like holding my hand, etc. We were still being very physically affectionate in the first couple weeks of the breakup and then he would pull away and not talk to me, later saying he didn't want to lead me on and it made it harder for him to stick to his decision.

 

For the last 3 weeks we see eachother about once a week (on his terms mostly) but each week in my opinion he seems to act a little more boyfriendly. Small things, like: last time I saw him he said "bye beautiful" where as before he was being pretty cold. Also, taking me home in the cab when his train was right there and he had to go out of his way to get home afterwards. I don't know I guess my method is not initiating contact, being upbeat and nonchalant when I see him, trying my best not to talk about the break up or talk him into getting back together, and SHOWING him the changes I'm making.

 

Whenever we hang out we go and do things that we've never done before. I'm proving that the changes he wanted from me were not only changes that I could make, but I'm realizing they were changes that I wanted and needed for my own happiness.

 

I'm trying not to read too much into anything he says to me because I know if he wanted to get back together he would say so. However a big milestone was last time I was with him I asked him to just think about coming to therapy with me. I was shocked when he said he would think about it. In the beginning of the breakup I had asked him and he said absolutely not; he wants to be broken up and if we're in therapy together then we're not truly broken up.

 

A couple days after he said he would think about it, when it came time for the appointment, I asked him (fully knowing the answer would be no -- I knew it would be too soon). His answer was he wasn't ready but it didn't mean he would never go. Mind you he has not been throwing me any crumbs or saying anything just to be nice. He has been very straight forward about everything thus far. So I still look at that as being positive. I was nonchalant and understanding about it.

 

He has now been hanging out with coworkers (male and female) and going to bars a lot...they all tend to meet up at bars around work. This is the part that makes me sick and cry because I hate the idea of him being single in a bar with a bunch of girls he knows and having no comittment to me. But he also admitted he has no one that he's close with and these people aren't actually "friends" just people to hang out with. I also know he just goes home and sleeps for ridiculous amounts of time some days. I guess he's depressed too?

 

Does anyone think I'm heading in the right direction? It definitely hurts to not know where he is or what he's doing most days (after spending all our free time together for the last 9 years). Neither of us had other people we were close to and we didn't hang out with anybody else.

 

Waiting for him to call and invite me to hang out is torture but I don't think I'm putting myself in the friendzone because our goodnights are long hugs, some kisses, and I love yous.

 

Phew, I guess thats it for now. Construcive feedback anyone?

[sentencedtoagony]

It sounds like it's going pretty well, relatively speaking, for a break up.

 

Keep working on improving yourself and the nonchalance.

 

Sounds like you have more of a chance than many of us who are clinging onto what might be false hope.

[Brownstone322]

Its like he just snapped. This was the first time he EVER mentioned breaking up in our 9 years together. I said it all the time in anger (never really meaning it and we would always make up before it came to that). He would usually plead with me. I guess in hindsight it was my manipulative way of getting him to show how much he cares. ugh. women. He never showed any signs of wanting to give up. I even asked him once: "If things between us never got any better than they are now would you still want to get married and spend your life with me?" and his answer was yes.

Meh, I don't think this breakup can last. I say the breakup will ultimately collapse. You were together for a reason, you know.

 

In think you're on the right track, and I think if you wait him out that he "won't be able to do it anymore" (meaning won't be able to stay apart from you). Let us know when he caves.

[JerkBrokeMe]

Ahhh you guys just made me feel so good. I will let you know if anything improves.

[hexaemeron]

You may want to choose a different username. It doesn't sound like he's neither a jerk, nor did he break you.

[JerkBrokeMe]

Right. That's how I felt when I found myself here of all places after thinking my life with him was set. I'm not going to choose a new one just because he might be coming around now. And youre mistaken about the broken part.

[HESJUSTSTUPID]

Its amazing how similar your story is to mine! Even our screen names are similar! I was with my ex for 7years my first & only since I was 15!! we broke up 4 months ago. I know its HARD!! sometimes I hardly felt like living. But trust me it gets better. I still get depressed about it and want him back madly but if its meant to be it will be! I cut all contact with him and told him why I was doing it. Because I want to heal and he "understood". He randomly contacted me a couple of weeks ago. Nothing serious.

[thewendy]

i feel like im reading about my relationship a year ago. i sincerely hope things work out for you. it didn't for me, so if there was a chance a first long-term relationship like yours could work out, it would make me very happy.

[JerkBrokeMe]

2 steps forward, 10 steps backwards.

After I wrote my initial post I met up with him and he bought me lunch. He was very sweet, insisting I eat something (I barely ever eat since we broke up..) and we had another amazing time. We spark exactly like we always have. He made a comment about how he doesn't have a lot of money but when he has some he likes spending it on me. When we were saying bye he told me he missed me and tried to kiss me and I said "no, you do you kiss all your friends goodbye?" and he said "just you". He was being very flirty and sweet. He also made a comment about how he cant listen to most music anymore because every song mentions something about relationships, love, breaking up, etc. He also asked if he could come see my sisters baby when shes born in a few weeks whereas in the beginning of the breakup when i asked him he showed no interest. We made plans to spend the day together on sunday and also on st. Patties. So there's the two steps forward *

 

He then went out (it was Friday night) and the next day when he was telling me about it it almost sounded like he was on a high from having so much fun. He didn't get home till 6 am. He was hanging out with his coworkers who somehow are managing quite well to fill the void of the only girl he's ever loved. He told me all about the stupid crap they did all night and how it was a night he's going to remember forever. He told me it had nothing to do with girls and he wasn't so much as flirting but somehow it still hurts that he can feel so happy and have so much fun while I'm fighting thoughts of wanting to shoot myself all the time. It seemed like any feeling he ever had for me was a distant memory. He sounded SO happy. He's acting like he's 17 all of a sudden. He's about to turn 31 by the way.

 

And then I messed up. Big time. He was saying how next time he goes to see the band play that he saw on Friday he would invite me and the only reason he didn't this time is because he was hanging out alone with his friend and the guys girlfriend beforehand. They know we broke up and it would be awkward for everyone if his "ex girlfriend" was there. I just lost it and started crying. It hit me so hard and I hate that I let me guard down. Its just the first time I'd heard him call me that and it sounded so effortless for him. So much for upbeat and nonchalant. 10 steps backwards. Today getting back together feels like something that won't ever happen. I hate this roller coaster.

 

HESJUSTSTUPID I'm sorry it's been 4 months but glad to hear it gets easier. I'm pretty much in the stage where I feel like I want to die all the time except when I'm with him.

 

thewendy I'm sorry things didn't work out for you. I'm not as hopeful today as I was when I wrote my post. * * *

[thewendy]

maybe this is a case of GIGS for him? you've been together for so long.

 

this is my experience, as brief as possible: early last year my ex started hanging out with a new group of his coworkers, both male and female. he denies this, but this is the same period of time when i noticed he started to change. he preferred hanging out with them and would sometimes not reply to my messages asking him if he was home (it was our habit to text each other "home" when we went on nights out with friends). he started becoming a little distant.

 

then in may 2010 he broke up with me, saying he loved me, but no longer in the same way i love him, and it wasn't fair to me. we didn't stop hanging out after that though, even he didn't want to cut off contact. he even said he was sure we could be friends. for 3 months after breaking up with me we still saw each other, went on date, were intimate, etc. then in august he said he wanted to try again. of course, i said yes.

 

i could see he made efforts to make the relationship work, but still went out regularly with this new group of people (who he never introduced me to), mostly nights out at bars until morning. of course he would still forget to text me where he was or what time he got home and we got into a big big fight over this on christmas eve (the holiday season being the peak of his nights out). during our fight he said he wanted to break up with me for good, because he had been such a jerk to me the past few months and i didnt deserve that. however, the following day, christmas, he said that maybe he just needed time to figure things out.

 

we always planned NC so that he would have time alone to figure things out, but it never happened. he always showed up at my place, and we still went out like a regular couple. he constantly told me that he wouldn't make me wait if he didn't love me and didn't want to be with me.

 

but last feb 22 he dropped the bomb and said that i should leave him because i deserved someone who will love me as much as i love him, and although he knows he loves me, it just wasn't the same as my love for him. after that he maintained strict NC and i havent seen him nor has he initiated contact with me. of course i did the typical begging and pleading the first two weeks, but now i realize he's made up his mind and committed to the break up.

 

***

 

so what im saying is that in a long term relationship like mine and like yours, it's pretty hard to let go. i dont mean to burst your bubble, but it's better you realize all the possibilities early on, unlike me wherein i was strung along for a year. my ex had been contemplating breaking up with me since early 2010, but he only managed to commit to the break up last month. it took him a year. why? because he's attached to me, he's dependent on me, and everytime he thought about breaking up with me, he would get scared that he would lose me forever and he couldn't take that. but at the same time he knows there is something not right about the relationship, or else he wouldn't be having those doubts.

 

maybe your boyfriend has gotten a case of GIGS, as mine apparently does. considering this is the first relationship and you've practically never been single ever before, then it's only natural that one or both of you will wonder what life is like outside the relationship.

 

i would suggest that you leave him alone before anything else goes wrong that would cause resentment or other conflicts in the relationship.

 

my point of view in my situation is: i've never been single before, i dont know what it's like to live alone and have no one to depend on. i cannot be a complete individual if i dont learn this. so this is the opportunity to learn. same with him. we both need this, so the break up is inevitable. if we're really meant for each other, we will find each other again in the future, when we're better people and more ready to commit to each other. if not, then the relationship was only meant to teach me how to become a better partner in the next one. either case, the relationship was a success. it wouldn't have reached 8 years if it wasn't.

 

good luck to you and i hope i helped, even just a tiny bit.

[JerkBrokeMe]

In some ways our stories are very similar but in others it almost seems opposite. My ex didn't start hanging out with these people until about a week after we broke up. Never really showed desire. He used to want to introduce me to some of the couples he knew from work and have dinner together and such. He's only started acting like this since breaking up with me.

 

When he broke up with me it really was about the fighting. And I understand that, the part I can't understand is wanting to give up after never having tried to work on our relationship before. I honestly believe if he didn't have these new "friends" showing him a good time whenever he's down, he would have been back with me trying to work things out within two weeks.

 

The other difference is that he makes it perfectly clear that he doesn't want to lead me on. If we're going out somewhere together, he'll never call it a date for example. And he won't do anything intimate with me other than kiss. Again saying he doesn't want to lead me on. Even that he'll only do when he's feeling weak and then regret it afterwards.

 

But what you said about how it went after you guys got back together has been a big fear of mine. That if by some chance he tells me he wants me back, he'll still be going out all the time with his coworkers and I won't be able to handle it. I don't know, he tells me he's not happy and they're not actual friends..so I just have to be hopeful.

 

I'm really sorry that your relationship didn't work out. I'm starting to feel more and more down about mine. It sounds like your head is in the right place though. I doubt I could be that strong.

 

Part of me is thinking about going nc just for a couple of weeks..just to see if he even cares. But I'm scared. I'm scared he'll realize he doesn't need me at all.

[JerkBrokeMe]

I should also mention he's older than me. I was 16 when we started dating and he was 21 (I know, i know..) so he had lots and lots of experiences with other girls. So I don't think thats part of it. Years ago I felt like I might want to experience other people because he was my first but that isn't an issue for him, because like I said, he'd had them already.

[thewendy]

Yes, NC will clear your head and help you make sense of the situation. Maybe a couple of weeks will do some good.

 

Good luck and just post here if you have any other questions. I'll be happy to help.

[JerkBrokeMe]

Just venting some more I guess. But as always I welcome constructive feedback.

 

I spent a few hours with him yesterday and it was just weird. We were supposed to go out and do stuff but he was feeling sick. He was acting very aloof and when I mentioned it (nonchalantly as possible, of course, -- I jokingly called him Mopey D*ck and he thought it was funny) he said it was just because he didn't feel well and then he paused and said and I also don't like that I made you cry on the phone. I was right, it did do some damage because, again, he was acting aloof after being so sweet the last times I saw him.

 

And then I messed up again. I don't know why I've been having such a hard time of sticking to upbeat nonchalance the last couple of days when I was doing so well but I cried, again. I don't even remember what we were talking about but he called me his friend. And I started crying a little and said "we'll never be friends!" Its such an absurd idea. Yeah, we'll just see other people and be "friends" when we can't even say goodbye without kissing and hugging and flirting. I tried to get up (we were on his bed) to go collect myself and get a tissue and he literally pulled me back down sort of on top of him. I said "I need a tissue" and he said "use my shirt" and it was almost like he was enjoying it. Not in some kind of mean way, but like a flirty while also taking care of me way? It was so odd. He's completely not the type to play games so I don't get it. Maybe he was just enjoying the dynamic change of being "in charge" of things now. I was able to keep myself together after that and not really bring anything up.

 

After that, his stomach pain was getting worse so we ended up just cuddling in the bed the rest of the time while I tried to take care of him. He was in and out of being asleep the whole time but through half sleeping was saying the sweetest things to me about me being the most amazing girl he's ever met and listed the reasons. Stuff like that. Its too bad I can't take any of it seriously. He was literally in and out of consciousness while saying these things. It was the first time he really really let his guard down completely since the breakup but it doesn't count because he probably doesn't even remember anything he said.

 

After he woke up, for about a half hour before I left we started to get a little intimate. Not to be too graphic but I'll just say it was all above the belt. He seemed really conflicted and literally had to stop himself and said how it was wrong and he didn't want to do that to me because we're not together. But he again went back for more a couple of times. I could see how it was stressing him out, and that he was just doing it because he couldn't stop himself, not because he actually wants to be my boyfriend or anything, so I made the decision to just put my stuff back on. I treated it like it was no big deal, and to be honest, my emotions weren't involved at the time. So there. Nonchalance point for me if we're keeping score. It was the most we've done since the breakup and while it was nice to see he had a hard time keeping his hands off me, it sucked that he WANTED to be able to keep them off me.

 

Anyway, I have plans to see him on Thursday that I made in advance, but I think after that I'm going to try NC for two weeks. Two weeks for two reasons 1: I'm not that strong, 2: He owes me lots of money and pays me some of it every two weeks on pay day.

 

 

Thank you for your good luck wishes, thewendy. I wish there was a clear cut answer on how to handle things. But there never will be. Every relationship and every breakup is different. For some I'm sure NC is the only possible way and others it will only do damage. Remaining "friends" will be the only way. It's too bad we'll never know about our own situations until the situation has ended (for better or worse). All I do know is I have to get back to acting like I'm fine, happy, and there's no pressure. Because I'm certain that was starting to draw him in a bit.

[JerkBrokeMe]

Today has been a hard day. Crying, thinking about calling out of work (but didn't). I don't know why. This was even before I ran into him today. I was a bit cold but maybe not even noticeably so. Confirmed our plans for Thurs but he didn't feel the need to respond to the email I had sent him the night before about confirming them. He mentioned having read it.

 

I feel like the closer we get, the more he steps back afterwards, and the more I revert into trying to get more out of him. Definitely going to implement NC after thurs. To get my head back together and stop pushing him away. I don't even know if I feel like seeing him on Thurs anymore. The original idea was to hang out at his place, see his (ours, sorta) dog who I miss like crazy, watch a movie or something. Just hang out. Today he said "but I definitely want to go out". If that means we're going out with his idiot coworkers, I'm out of it.

 

This is so hard. Days like today make me feel like I don't even want to live. And this is me talking WITH the xanax. Each and every day I feel worse (except for the occassional good day I have with him) but everyone around me has stopped caring. I don't have anyone to cry to anymore. I guess they feel like I should just be over it by now. I feel so lonely.

[thejigsup]

He seems to playing you just like a fiddle. I think he's counting on you to get physical without a committment. That he loves being single is obvious, he just wants you as his fallback plan. He's not a jerk, just taking what is offered. I wouldn't offer any more if I were you.

[JerkBrokeMe]

You think so? He really tried hard not to get physical and was pretty upset that he let himself go there. Maybe he does love being single though, I don't know. I know he doesn't seem very happy. Except when he has a great night out. But the rest of the time he seems pretty unhappy.

 

Yeah, I won't be offering anything else up for grabs. Thanks for your feedback.

[thewendy]

I think he's going through a confusing period when he knows he wants a break but is still very much attached to you so he can't let go. The fact that you're still around confuses him even more, and in an attempt to validate his decision to break up he starts treating you a little badly. He's not a jerk, remember that, I am sure there is also a roller coaster of emotions and confusion going through his head. After almost 10 years together I'm sure he's attached to you, he loves you, and he knows he will lose you forever if he decides to go with the break up, and that pains him and is hard for him as well.

 

My advice is to stay away and maintain NC for a while. Just to clear both of your heads. And then you can play it by ear, depending on your situation.

 

If you continue to be available to him, he is likely to just get more confused about his decision. It will be a vicious cycle and you will both get hurt, you more than him, most likely.

[JerkBrokeMe]

Thank you thewendy. I agree with everything you've said except for him thinking he'll lose me forever. He knows I'll always be waiting around for him. I need to change that immediately. In the last 5 days or so I have become so weak. Overdoing it with the contact, expecting him to see me or call me (because he says he will) and then getting upset when he doesn't. I could feel him coming back to me a little and then I started having expectations again. Now I almost feel like I'm back to square one. The first week of the breakup where he acted like I meant nothing to him.

 

I have to pull myself together and just shut him out of my life for a bit.

 

Thanks again thewendy for being my buddy through this.

[thewendy]

Take this opportunity to rediscover yourself. You've been with him since you were 16. The years that have passed are supposed to be the most significant years in terms of discovering yourself and your identity. See what you're like without him. In other words, date yourself for now.

 

That is what I'm doing. I've been with my ex since I was 18, and I'm 26 now. I've realized that I don't know what it's like to be alone, and I think that experience is a pre-requisite before you can share your life with anybody else. My ex most likely feels the same way.

 

I love my ex, I sincerely do, and there's nothing more I want than to be with him. But before I can do that, I know I have to go through this first. Getting back together won't happen until we both learn how to be alone and until we rediscover our individualities. So I've let him go, hoping for the best. I know that we might not get back together ever (I have to keep myself grounded) but for now that doesn't matter. What matters is what I do with this opportunity.

 

I have one goal for myself: I want to feel happiness and contentment all by myself. I want to be able to say "I am on my own, but life is good, and I couldn't ask for more." And when I get there, then I'll consider opening myself up to someone else again, may it be my ex, or someone else who comes along.

 

Good luck and you have my support

[Rob1000]

How do you make somebody want something? You take it away from them. You only wanted him this badly when he walked away. Now you do the same. If you guys do get back together it should be for the right reasons, not on one person's terms. It appears that you're at his beck and call, and as a guy reading this, that just makes things too easy for us. Most guys enjoy a challenge, and if he wants to be with you, he'll move the earth to do so. You need to let him have his fun, whether he kisses a few girls or not, and let him discover for himself what his true path is. And even if you do find out he's with someone else, believe me, it's a lot easier to get over someone once that ship has sailed and you've got used to the idea. Think of it as ripping the band aid off. It helped me so much when I discovered my ex had found someone new.

 

Now, give him the gift of missing you.

[Miss Sharon]

Holy crap this sounds A LOT like the break up I'm going through right now. I'm just as lost as you girl. All I can say is keep up what your doing and if he's a good man like you say then I wouldn't think he'd totally throw away a 9 year relationship.

[JerkBrokeMe]

Well, I had the night with him that I consider to be the last for awhile. I didn't mention it to him though. I just wanted to have a nice time since the last few interactions didn't go so well. And it was a nice time, but not as great as some of my earlier postings. His guard is up for sure. In some ways he behaves boyfriendish still - he took me out for lunch and dinner/drinks and insisted on paying for everything. He held my hand a couple of times briefly. Even walked with me for a few blocks with his arm around me. But emotionally he was keeping distant.

 

At one point we were talking about his friend and this friends new wife (who he's known less than a year). And my ex was saying how he doesn't understand why he's so in love with her. She's just like every girl, into clothes and whatevers popular. He then started talking about how he doesn't understand why his friend doesn't want to find a girl like me, to paraphrase: "you're absolutely beautiful, you know so much about music, you've introduced me to so many bands, we play guitar together, you're just deeper than most girls". Then why the hell doesn't he want to be together? I still don't understand, but I didn't say anything. I wanted to leave a nice lasting impression.

 

When we were, again, talking about his same friend and the guy's wife, I mentioned how I think the problem they have is similar to one that we dealt with. Which was the girl being too controlling and the guy just going along with everything. I said how I wish I had realized I was like that earlier. And he said something like "I wish a lot of things had been different. But they didn't happen that way". He didn't sound happy or sad. Just matter of fact. It just sounded so final to me. Like there's no way he'll ever consider working things out. Even though literally right before breaking up he was the one wanting to work things out. Maybe I'm reading too much into the comment he made, but its been sticking with me all day. Again, I didn't say anything about it.

 

Our goodnight wasn't as romantic as they had been before, like I said, his guard was up. But we still hugged and kissed. I was a little buzzed and was being silly. We laughed a lot and he told me he always has fun with me. And now he's not going to hear from me for awhile, so I'm at least happy about the impression I'm leaving him with and glad I went. He left by telling him he'd call me soon. I hope I'll be strong enough not to answer. I woke up crying. I don't know if its because I know I won't be in contact with him or if it's because I'm really started to feel like its completely over.

 

thewendy - thank you once again for being my support here. I reread your posts to me when I'm feeling at my worst.

 

Rob - I agree with everything you said and will reread it when I'm feeling weak.

 

MissSharon - I'm sorry you're going through the same thing. I read your post earlier and I think your guy sounds like he may come around. The only advice I can give after dealing with this for less than 2 months is don't push too much. Let him do some of the work. If you're too eager it just seems to push the person away.

[JerkBrokeMe]

Well, today starts day 4 of NC. On one hand it hasn't been too hard because he hasn't made any kind of contact either. On the other hand, I'm feeling almost as bad as I did when we initially broke up. I'm crying all the time and feel hopeless. I love him so much and don't feel like I could ever be happy without him. I feel like I don't even want to live.

 

I know there is nothing I can do to make him come back but I'm afraid staying out of contact (like ignoring him if he contacts me) is going to make him move on faster. Like he'll find someone else faster because he thinks I've moved on and I'll be okay with it. Or he'll think I'm just being difficult or immature. Its really hard not to second guess this.

 

I still can't get over the fact that someone who, right up until breaking up, treated me like a queen, still sparks with me like always and tells me to this day that he's still in love me (but the fighting was just too much) was willing to give it up without trying couples therapy or without giving me a chance to change. 6 weeks later I just still can't believe that this actually happened.

 

I think through the whole weekend I was awake for less than 24 hours. But then he haunts me in my dreams. I don't know how much longer I can do any of this.

 

I do have a question about peoples' opinion on being "friendzoned" though. He says we're just friends but insists on paying for everything, our goodnights take forever with lots of kisses goodnight (sometimes passionately, sometimes more gentle but always on the lips) and hugging. He still holds my hand sometimes and in general is just very sweet. On the rarest of occasion when we actually tip toe about discussing the breakup and getting back together, he no longer says there's no chance. He'll say something like "who knows what will happen in the future". So, not that I'm going to see him soon (I'm taking a break for myself) could spending time with him in that capacity still friendzone me?

 

I thought it was helping him come back to me when I first started posting here, but then I got too emotional and too many expectations (because he DID seem like he was starting to want me again). I started to push him away by having expectations again. That's why I'm doing this sort of temporary NC, so I can get my head together before I start spending time with him again. But also so I can make it somewhat on my terms as well.

[thewendy]

I do have a question about peoples' opinion on being "friendzoned" though. He says we're just friends but insists on paying for everything, our goodnights take forever with lots of kisses goodnight (sometimes passionately, sometimes more gentle but always on the lips) and hugging. He still holds my hand sometimes and in general is just very sweet. On the rarest of occasion when we actually tip toe about discussing the breakup and getting back together, he no longer says there's no chance. He'll say something like "who knows what will happen in the future". So, not that I'm going to see him soon (I'm taking a break for myself) could spending time with him in that capacity still friendzone me?

 

this is still attachment, i think. of course he can't just up and leave after 9 years, even if his mind/heart tells him to. it's hard for him too, because he's losing you. don't settle for being friends. stay away for the meantime. he's not a bad person for confusing you like this, because he's confused too. but maintain NC, and don't think that doing that will make him move on faster. have you read the push-pull theory? it's somewhere in this forum, search for it. the more you are available, the more that you'll push him away. and besides, you were together for a huge chunk of both your lives, do you really think he'll forget you that easily just because you're not around?

 

stay strong, im rooting for you i am on day 12 of NC, and it's been more than a month since i last saw him. sometimes i break down and cry, but i dont get the urge to contact him, because i know it'll just make things worse. hopefully you get to this stage too, soon.