DogsAreLove Posted March 8, 2011 Share Posted March 8, 2011 My boyfriend is going on a trip with his best friend in April, I'm specifically not allowed to come because I was born with lady parts. Whatever, I don't care, let them have fun, it's going to be at his friend's condo, I trust my boyfriend. Although these "guys nights" where I'm not allowed to attend but other girlfriends are allowed to attend is beginning to make me wonder. Yes I have talked to him about it, he said he'd try to include me but alas he didn't. Anywho, me and some coworkers were in a draw to win a trip to vegas, he told me to bring him with my coworker, I said hey you're not coming to vegas for the exact same reason I'm not going to florida. As it turns out we didn't win lol and then he told me to go on a trip with him. I said no as I needed to plan a trip with my girls first before I can go on a trip with him because that's exactly what he's doing (I was partially joking, but nonetheless I don't want to go on a trip with him and I will explain why). So he's like "that's unfortunate, I thought we were at the point in our relationship where we could go on a trip together". I told him I really don't think we're ready for that just yet. And here is why I'm angry and don't think we're ready for that and why I don't want to go with him. HE DOESN'T LOVE ME. Or at least he hasn't said so. HOW ON EARTH are you ready to go on a trip with me when you're not ready to tell me you love me?! If you even do? and if you don't then WHY ARE YOU WITH ME? It's been a year. Link to comment
Stay_home Posted March 8, 2011 Share Posted March 8, 2011 Although these "guys nights" where I'm not allowed to attend but other girlfriends are allowed to attend is beginning to make me wonder. Yes I have talked to him about it, he said he'd try to include me but alas he didn't. I think this might be the reason. Link to comment
metrogirl Posted March 8, 2011 Share Posted March 8, 2011 How is it that other girlfriends are allowed but you are not? I would not be okay with any of it. Link to comment
DogsAreLove Posted March 8, 2011 Author Share Posted March 8, 2011 2-sided coin: Sorry, major "i am dumb" moment lol but reason for what? and Metrogirl: there's always an excuse, like there's just the one girl in particular who attends "guys night" and sometimes they have "guys night" at her house (she lives RIGHT by my work) but the reasons are usually like "oh she just appears" "they're not even together anymore" "no one knew she was coming so it would be weird if i brought you and she wasn't even there" etc. Link to comment
annie24 Posted March 8, 2011 Share Posted March 8, 2011 I understand 'boys nights' and you can't go.... but if another gf is there, you should be invited too. it's no longer a "boys night." Link to comment
abitbroken Posted March 8, 2011 Share Posted March 8, 2011 1) I agree - let boys have their night out but if other girls are invited and they are not their moms or sisters, I would have a big problem with that. 2) But on the other side of the coin, why did you have to plan a trip with "the girls" first? 3) A first trip together should probably be something without anyone else but eachother 4) if you have sex/sleep together, not reason in the world not to go on a trip or a weekend together. If you aren't spending the night with eachother - I can see how you could not be 'ready." 5) The "I Love you" and "go somewhere with me" are two separate issues. My BF and I who are very much in love didn't say it until about the year mark because we were both worried/wondering when we should say it. And we finally did. But it had nothing to do with not loving eachother. We were both nervous. Do you tell him "why don't you say you love me????" Or are you just saying that to us. My prescription. 1) Stop doing the passive-aggressive t it-for-tat. THe comments about "i need to schedule a weekend with my girls first" and rubbing his nose in it just doesn't work. Honestly talk about your feelings and set a boundary. 2) Decide how you feel about him and the rest of your relationship. Is it a good one? are there two many issues. 3) if you don't know if he loves you or no despite it if he says it or not - then you need to think about that too. Link to comment
DogsAreLove Posted March 8, 2011 Author Share Posted March 8, 2011 Thanks! I just act spiteful sometimes because of his attitude like with guys night and him never inviting me and yet expecting me to invite him when I go out with my friends is getting on my nerves. I don't feel like I can have a talk about the love situation with him because I've gotten so many indications from him that I should totally not say it first and there's a chance that he doesn't love me and still only "likes" me at this point. We definitely are intimate but for me going on a trip is a big deal. I don't understand why he can't tell me how he feels about me yet he's comfortable going to another country with me for a week. If that makes any sense. Plus I've always wanted to go on a trip with my friends and not have the thought of my first trip without my mom is with a guy who I may or may not be with in the next five years and look back on that with regret, and I'd rather remember it as a blast with a bunch of friends. But I won't invite him because he's not one of the girls. Did that make sense? Link to comment
abitbroken Posted March 8, 2011 Share Posted March 8, 2011 Why not just go away by yourself for a weekend to visit a friend or a relative to have the experience of paying for your own ticket and getting yourself there - why does the first trip have to be 'a blast.' Sometimes trips get unwieldy with so many friends. I think you are placing too much importance on 'the first time/first trip' must be a certain way so it can't be with him. And he can't exactly ask you on a trip with that frame of mind. What indications have you got from him that you can't say it first? You have as much right to as he does. However, if you are having doubts about him and are being spiteful I would review things before I said it to make sure you really mean it and aren't just saying it because you want to hear it from him. He may or may not say it back and that is okay if you just want the achievement of having said it. I don't think having said the "L" word or not indicates whether you can go on a trip or not. Girls sometimes feel things are a timeline more than guys. Link to comment
Wonderstruck Posted March 8, 2011 Share Posted March 8, 2011 I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. You're understandably hurt and confused as to why other girls are allowed to be present at "guys nights" but you're not. It's either "guys night" or it's not - "guys night" should mean ONLY him and his guy friends. The whole point of "guys nights" is for guys to be able to get together and hang out without the girls - if some girls are there, then the whole purpose of the night is defeated, and then he shouldn't have any problem with his own girlfriend being there. I think that you have every right to have your first trip without your mom (that was cute, by the way be with a group of girlfriends, especially since he's already going on a trip where he told you that you're not allowed to come along because you're a girl. He's being a hypocrite if he gets angry at you for forbidding him to come along on your "girls trip" - if he gets to have guys nights and guys trips, then you are definitely entitled to girls nights and girls trips. As for the snarky "That's unfortunate, I thought we were at point in our relationship where we could go on a trip together" - don't get sucked into his guilt trip. Maybe you would have been ready to go on a trip with him if he had once said "I love you" in your entire year-long relationship and wasn't excluding you from get-togethers where other girls are often present. Link to comment
DogsAreLove Posted March 8, 2011 Author Share Posted March 8, 2011 Abitbroken: by trip I meant like, a week in a different country. I went on a work trip for a weekend like 2 hours away and I went through the whole girl friend being a total idiot when she was drunk... but it doesn't count it's like going to a cottage and I've already been to his cottage, so yeah I'm not talking about weekends away i'm talking a legitimate trip. I have no problem paying the money to go on a vacation. The indications I've gotten were that I told him how a girl I know told her boyfriend she loved him after 4 months and the reaction was really bad and he said "Oh well she shouldn't have said that, and he could've been nice and said thank you for your feelings but I don't feel the same". I also made a comment about his friends who have been together for like 2 years and I said "oh well that's cause they'er in looove" and he said "uhh love? I don't know about that. They like each other". He also rants about people who say it too early or buy diamond jewellery too early, like stuff like that. So you have to see why I'm a bit intimidated. Just the way he says things it's like ok, thank god I didn't say it. It's not that I feel there's a timeline but I personally wouldn't go to another country with someone who was acting like this. It's just kindof a big deal to me. Glitz&Glitter: Thank you!!! Ahh you totally read exactly what I was thinking and put it into words lol. Like I don't see why he expects me to invite him when I go out with my friends and yet when he goes out with his friends and I complain that I don't get an invite he gets all defensive. It's getting annoying. And yes if he said I love you and actually included me in his life (I've literally met like... 4 of his friends... not even kidding, and this was at separate trips to his cottage in the summer, haven't seen them since, oh and he had a "guys trip" to the cottage too and fully left me to do nothing the May24 long weekend lol, whatever). Link to comment
abitbroken Posted March 8, 2011 Share Posted March 8, 2011 Gee...many people in their whole life never leave the country. To most people - a weekend, be it a 4 day or 2 day weekend - is a "trip." If you have been to his cottage and you stayed overnight - that is going somewhere with him. When you said "i have never gone on a trip except with my mom" I thought you've never gone anywhere overnight without her or something. If a "trip" is only a week long or more or out of the country, you have very interesting standards. I really think that in your line of questioning, you both come off as a bit immature. You should stop asking him about other people who said I live you and focus on how you feel, even if his response is immature. You can choose to just assess how you feel or be happy the way things are. I think that at some point, the trip thing becomes a vicious cycle and game. You won't let him come with you because of the boys weekends and he won't let you come to those. btw, some guys don't bring girls to things not because they are sleeping with someone else because they feel that they will have to spend the whole time trying to make her happy and she can't just have fun. One of you is going to have to cave sometime or do a trip just the two of you without everyone else. btw, he is not responsible for your happiness. You said he "left you with nothing to do on the long weekend." what about these 'girls trips" or doing something else? Or why not invite him to do something before the boys weekend gets planned? I think you are thinking yourself to death and just need to decide what to do. Do you love this guy or do you feel that its one sided? Are you okay with the guy weekends or not? Do you care more about being invited on the guys weekends than in simply going somewhere with him period? I can't answer all of that - only you can. Sometimes they are intertwined, but you have to attack them individually. Link to comment
DogsAreLove Posted March 8, 2011 Author Share Posted March 8, 2011 I'm really just doing a ton of thinking. By trip he wants to go away with me for a week to another country, which is essentially what he's doing with his friend, and what I want to do with my friends (I don't live in the states so going there is kindof a big deal for Canadians lol) I just find that to be a bigger deal than going to a cottage, and that's why I'm not comfortable with it because of this stupid vicious cycle. Some other stuff happened that made me think I should end it, I don't feel like getting into it, but yeah it made me start to question a lot, so I just wanted to see other people's opinions of this. I do agree that I've been acting a bit spiteful and in no way am I making him responsible for my happiness (the May24 thing is another story). If I get into it there will probably be a book by this point and I think that just gave me an answer lol. Thanks for the insight though I do appreciate it. Link to comment
d24 Posted March 8, 2011 Share Posted March 8, 2011 My boyfriend is going on a trip with his best friend in April, I'm specifically not allowed to come I said hey you're not coming to vegas for the exact same reason I'm not going to florida. So he's like "that's unfortunate, I thought we were at the point in our relationship where we could go on a trip together". I told him I really don't think we're ready for that just yet. HOW ON EARTH are you ready to go on a trip with me when you're not ready to tell me you love me?! If you even do? and if you don't then WHY ARE YOU WITH ME? It's been a year. Congratulations on giving your boyfriend the impression that you don't want to go on any trips with him. He should be able to go on trips with his friends if that's what he wants to do. Doesn't matter if other GFs are invited, it's his friends and his group, he doesn't need to invite you for a multitude of reasons (and you have every right to be upset about that) but I can't blame him, especailly when you're being like this. Also, seriously, why do you 'have to' arrange a trip with your friends just because he's arranging one with his? That seems really immature and spiteful, kind of a "well if you can have fun I can have fun too" which is only going to make you look petty. He clearly wants to go somewhere with just the pair of you but you've played so many games here, told him you're not ready for that, when you clearly are. And love has NOTHING to do with going on a trip. In fact if you think about it - what better situation is there going to be for you two to really connect and 'get there' than by taking a few days out and experiencing something new alone together? Poor guy, he must be so confused. First you're mad because you're not invited, then you're saying you don't want to do anything alone with him? Seriously? Sort your head out. I'm afraid this is your own doing. Link to comment
annie24 Posted March 8, 2011 Share Posted March 8, 2011 I do agree that there is no reason to "first have a trip with your gfs before taking your trip with your bf." It does sound petty. If your bf is wanting to make plans with you, that's great. Link to comment
-Sanguine- Posted March 8, 2011 Share Posted March 8, 2011 Let me get this straight.. you are upset that he has "guys nights" where sometimes other girls come and you are not invited (I totally get why this would upset you, by the way) but then you say no to going on a trip with your boyfriend because you have to "plan a trip with the girls since he is planning one with the boys"?? Like I said, I understand why not being invited out with his friends would upset you... I can also see why he might think you don't even WANT to go now since you won't even go on a trip with him... and in my opinion going on a trip with someone has nothing to do with saying I love you. Link to comment
DogsAreLove Posted March 8, 2011 Author Share Posted March 8, 2011 Uh wow. We didn't even get into a fight over this, this was just me thinking, throwing a bunch of thoughts together. Yes I did actually say to him oh well I'm gonna go on a trip with my friends first but this didn't even provoke any kind of fight and he still wants to go with me. Maybe I'll go, maybe I won't. But yeah I do have an issue with him thinking we're ready to go on a trip when can't even tell me how he feels if he even feels, and I'm sticking to that opinion. In my opinion going on a trip with your s/o is a pretty big deal considering I never go on trips (for a week, to another country, to again, clarify what I mean when I say trip) The thing where he never invites me out with his friends and other girls are invited bothers me, especially when he expects me to invite him out with my friends everywhere I go (I, too, have the right not to invite him, correct?), so I think I have a bit of a reason to start questioning things and I don't want to say I have a reason to act spiteful because there's no reason for it. I just do it sometimes, we all do. Now that I've slept on it yeah it's silly of me to have said what I said to him and I could've kept it to myself but whatever I guess he must love me since he decided not to get mad at me for it or even confront me! lol. Link to comment
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