Breaking up sucks, but get over it

[John25]

Reading through the posts here made me realise more and more just how much we tend to cling on to relationships when signs are mounting that things are coming to an end. Myself, I have just split up with my girlfriend of three and a half years a week ago, after a whole hard month of the typical "impending break-up signs". I have done a lot of soul searching over this time, and especially over the past week, and it has been hurting lots... but what most of you should realise is that the picture YOU have in YOUR mind right now, after splitting up, is probably so emotionally biased that it's not acurate at all.

 

You are now probably thinking how great this was and that, and how you shared this and that, and how much you loved him/her and how the only thing in the world you want is having him/her back and how everything would be so different. However, 95% of you are dreaming and need to move on. You are painting an idealised unrealistic picture of your relationship in your head and this is preventing you from going out there and finding one of the other 3 billion boys and girls waiting for the same thing as you. You may think that loosing your other half has made you realise just how great he-she was, but in my opinion most of you are just suffereing a very diustorted relationship picture now which makes the thought of getting back together all that much more appealing. Take it from me: 90% of the relationships that break up and then get back together will end up breaking up again in a matter of months, if not weeks or days.

 

I am not saying that there aren't special cases out there in which trying again would make sense and in which people HAVE learned from their problems, but chances are that nearly ALL of you currently feel like that special case and that you should question how much of your romantic after-thoughts are truly accurate. Guys and girls, for me too it is hard to move on and even think about dating other people right now, but do consider just letting go and do try to think about your ex-relationship as it really was, not how it could/should have been.

[EatZ]

I actually agree with your post, but I find myself disagreeing at the same time.

 

For someone that is just coming out of a relationship, it's still far too early to hear this. It doesn't do anything but make things feel worse than they already are, and I'm sure even you can empathise with the feelings that jolt through you when you hear "You can do better!" and "There's more fish in the sea" straight after a break-up. They, for all their purposes -- despite being well intentioned -- don't help!

 

I'm a very strong believer in you have to learn from your own mistakes, not from the mistakes of others. This is not to say that any of us have necessarily made mistakes in out relationships, but until you have experienced the pain, experienced the anger and experienced the growth, shortcutting is only going to stunt what is deemed the natural "healing process". It's going to create the typical "baggage" that we all hear about. The stuff that keeps us reeling in pain for years to come if we don't confront it.

 

It's more a kick-in-the-bum than anything when weeks or months down the track you suddenly think "What the hell am I doing?!" or "I deserve SOOOO much better!". Forcing yourself to believe these things now is just a temporary measure, and again, while I agree with EVERYTHING you've said, it still may not be the time to trust this with all heart and soul.

 

But I can -- as can John, I'm sure -- attest to the fact that each and everyone of you out there grieving right now WILL come out of this, and you'll be reinvented as a stronger, wonderful and even MORE lovable version of yourself. You'll learn lessons your ex won't learn for years to come because of this pain you've suffered, or lessons they mightn't learn at ALL. You'll be able to look at relationships with an even MORE mature point of view, and be more capable of being your own best friend, which is the biggest lesson I've learnt from all of this...

 

Being my own best friend has been a life changing realisation for me.

 

So yes, what John is saying is right. But if you're not ready to believe it, carry on as you are. Get this out of your system and be good to yourself. Talk to friends and family, cry your little eyes out and listen to only what you want to hear right now. The "enlightenment" is better received when it comes from within than from someone else.

 

Take care!

 

(P.S. Nice post John)

[John25]

EatZ,

 

Thanks for the reply. Of course I agree that, given the kind of emotions you go through right after splitting up, my comments may be hard to take to heart or even in many cases unhelpful. Like I said, I have just split up myself and I am all but happy right now. For me so far the process has been like this:

 

- Pre-Split up (3 weeks): This was a horrible time when I first noticed just how close to splitting up we were. Lots of bad nights, little concentration at work. Lots of soul searching for mistakes I'd made, lots of urge to "rectify" things. Despair at seeing girlfriend so distant etc.

 

- Split-up day: Crying, crying, crying, and more crying. Being sentimental, having "I wish I had/hadn't" thoughts. Writing an emotional letter to my ex, opening my heart, telling her the things I never told her etc. Bad day!

 

- Days 2-3: Progressively less tears, but still very sentimental. Letting the relationship pass before my eyes again and again, trying to find exactly how it progressed, when things changed etc. Trying to find out where we went wrong, coming to conclusions about certain things. During this time I'd sway between acceptance and wishful thinking. In the back of my mind I knew splitting up was for the better, but the idealised and biased picture of our good moments and happy days and our future potential would let some faint hope flicker up nevertheless.

 

- Days 4-9: More and more acceptance and less sentimental thoughts. Reason is starting to take command and reason tells me to look at things how they really were, not how my tortured mind is now suggesting to me they were. Even now I still think about things and suffer about 70% of the day, but I am increasingly getting to the point where I feel that I have to let go, and to let go means stopping to idealise and be sentimental. It's the "good ole' days" syndrome: everything just seems so much rosier when you look back at it after a while or when youleave something behind. God, I remember hating every day at school but when I think about school nowadays then everything appears so happy in my mind. It's mind tricks though, and not accurate...

 

Easier said than done, I know, but to get over an ex-relationship I think it is primarily important to start seeing things in a realistic, less emotional way. It is crucial to view the positives as well: rather than only telling yourself over and over how great it was having him/her and what it could have been had you only not done this/that, you should see this break in your life as a new opportunity as well. Often things become stale in a relationship as you become so comfortable with the idea that your life is increasingly laid out in front of you that you completely forget to keep things dynamic. I for one have noticed how much I have increasingly been ignoring my past friends and even family over these past three years, and all of these are at least as important as the girlfriend is. It is nice, if difficult, to view the whole break-up as an opportunity to get back in touch with yourself and your life, to make a break and many changes.

 

Yes, go and cry your eyes out till you can cry no more, and do take the time to think about it all a few times. However, dont dwell on it for too long, I say, as there is a fine line between "thinking about it a few times" and battering yourself into a pile of emotional disarray. It is always hard to loose something, particularly if something has played such an important part in your life as a girl/boyfriend, but do try to see things realistically because you will notice that life goes on and that, more often than not, things were not really as great as they seem now after you have split up. The world can be very harsh, but that is part of its beauty.

[Sieteblades]

Hey, i have a really bizarre situation that is kind of linked, i was with a girl for 3 years and we broke up at xmas. she lives 5 doors away from me. doh!!! we were the bees knees together, now it sucks. We have hooked up a couple of times since and made out etc.. she has said things to me which are very close to heart and i believed her at the time. then she just bails on me, and starts seeign someone else... I do have a point, my point is that, i agrre with both of you, but moving on isnt always that easy when you are in close proximity to your ex. I cried even the other day about how much i miss her, and its been 8 months. I wish i had a switch i could push and move on, but i cant... I dont s'pose either one of you have any advice for me??? Cheers guys.

[quintana]

John25,

 

I'm surprised, to say the very least, by your schedule of recovery.

 

It's not that I disagree with your insights. On the contrary, but replace "days" with "months" and you have my situation.

 

From my experience, it is close to impossible to gain your kind of perspective so early on in the process.

 

You did see it coming, though, which may explain what seems to be a rapid recovery. I didn't.

 

Letting go is the only right thing to do when "negotiations" break down, but how you force yourself to let go just by rational thought, I don't know.

Your heart also has to be in it, I guess.

 

You wouldn't want to dwell on your misery, but I think a lot is gained in the longer run, if you allow yourself to embrace the pain and find possibly unpleasant insights to your own nature and personality.

 

This may take quite a while, at least it has for me, but it's time well spent, I find. Even though it often feels like precious time wasted.

[John25]

Sieteblades,

 

Of course living physically close to your ex makes things harder... that's where I have it easy as my girlfriend lives in England and I live in Spain. Don't get me wrong though, even though I live far away I am still not having an easy time. Everywhere I go there is this ghost of her.... I sleep in the bed we slept in together for gods sake... but what I do, or at least try to do, is every time I notice myself starting to 'think' about her I just cut it off now and focus my thoughts on something else. It's just that I have come to this conclusion in my mind that any further painfull thoughts about her are are not gonna change my situation at all, so I just try not to have them.

It is important not to let your sentimental side take hold of you. It's easy to become sentimental... heck, if I wanted to and thought about it long enough I could now make myself cry even over my ex-ex girlfriend from 7 years ago. You know what I mean? Detaching is all about acceptance. Just try to sit down for an evening and let it run through your head again. Try to think about the fact that she has moved on and is with someone else, hence there is no way you will get her back (or even want her back?). Try to come to terms with yourself, try to come to some form of genuine conclusion in your mind that you accept that she is gone from your life and wont be coming back to you. And most importantly, try to start shifting your focus from her to yourself, and with this I dont mean crying about your poor fortune. I mean you should slowly shift your focus from your past to your future. I know it is hard, myself I am still having a hard time imagining chatting up girls etc, but you are still young and there is so much out there for you. Give yourself some opportunity to work yourself into a new episode of your life... perhaps take up a new hobby or something, or get to meet new people, go travelling, make new plans for the future etc. You have freedom now, make use of it, as before long you will slip into a new relationship and the first thing you will complain about if your lack of freedom I'd love to wish you 'good luck', but this really isnt a case of luck at all, it's just about controlling your thoughts and getting a hold of yourself. Nearly every person on this planet has to go through this at least once in their life, there is no reason why you should be the odd one out that cant cope.

 

 

quintana,

 

Yes, I know that many people need a much longer time than me, but like you said I believe that it has helped that I did see things develop towards a break-up over time. Trust me, it hasnt been easy and still isnt for me, but in the end, like with all things, there is a rational element even to something as emotional as a relationship. I am a firm believer of rationality, which doesnt mean to say that I am not emotional. Like I said, I have the same tendency to let all these emotional thoughts flood me, but it is just that I have come to terms with the situation in a way by letting the rationality of it all convince me. My girlfriend is gone and I know I wont be with her again. This seals it for me. Yes, there are lessons to be learned but trust me, you dont think you need a year of thinking to reach your conclusions. I have reached mine within a week... Embracing the pain may be helpful, but you do need to see the line between embracing the pain and slipping into utter self-pitty. I for one have noticed that the only reason I get upset is that I feel sorry for myself... my thoughtsd wont change my break-up, so the only reasonable thing to do seems to learn your lesson and move on to pastures new. Notably, the more I stop myself from slipping into "thinking mood" the less frequent my emotional outburst seem to become. I still feel bad, but I am getting better.

Trust me, sadness doesnt go from crying alone. I agree that the crying plays an important part at first, but in the long run the only way to move on is stopping yourself from lingering on your own self-pitty or anger. Moving on means stopping to romanticise your relatyionship and stopping to sentimentalise yourself.

[Poca]

attest to the fact that each and everyone of you out there grieving right now WILL come out of this,

 

I need to hear this and I need people to confirm it, because I'm hurting so much and it's very very difficult for me to see a light at the end of the tunnel, I just cannot see that I'm going to get through this, though I hope it with all my heart.

I'm so tired of being unhappy and crying and looking for 'signs' and clinging to every stupid thing, which in the end probably just makes it harder and not easier.

[EatZ]

I'm really pleased to hear that its been of some comfort to you! After all, what I say is totally true. You will feel better eventually, and you won't be able to help but feel proud of how far you've come after all of this is over.

 

If you ever want to chat, drop me a line. I've sent you a private message with my MSN details.

 

Take care!

[mochaleet]

John25, I have to admit, I am either impressed or astounded by your strength. While I'm not sure I could be on your schedule either, I think a blend of approaches works best. I broke up with my bf of 7ish months about 6 weeks ago, and am still occasionally crying and usually down. The essense is I felt things for my ex that I hadn't felt for anyone in YEARS, both good and bad. I anticipated any contact with him, but the relationship felt so uncomfortable over time (he was alternately wonderful and critical, a hellacious combination) that I found myself madly trying to manage the unmanageable. Of course I sound cool and detached as I write this, I cannot tell you the sword of memories that plunges into my abdomen daily as I sit at my desk (particularly at work, always a great time to experience these feelings!) However, here is a lesson that I can apply to future relationships that worked in my favor here:

 

1) Push for the relationship to work while you are actually IN IT. I tried various problem solving techniques, (i.e. playing by his rules, expressing my needs more or less, depending). That way, when you walk away AFTERWARDS, you are truly done. Don't break up unless you mean it. I know this sounds humiliating or possibly inappropriate, you will have fewer regrets. I played his way, my way, and somewhere in the middle. None of it worked, he continued his mean streaks, so it was enough already.

 

2) Then ironically, next time, don't push so hard. If you can't be yourself, (particularly in the first say, six months) then why be there? I had to learn this the hard way. I am reading a few posts on this site about people who are questioning a relationship at two months. These things happen, but in the "right" relationship, so much drama will not be apparent in the first couple of months.

 

3)I am tired as I write this, so hopefully it will come through.

 

Obviously, the above sounds glib, but I really fell for the wonderful things about him, and am left with a lot of confusing and sometimes painful memories.

[Pebek]

Thank you guys for your posts. You don't know how much you've helped me. I agree with all of you but my situation is different as there was no telltale signs of the breakup coming. It was a shock to me. I ignored the things I did see because they were too trivial for me to be grounds for a breakup. After all, my ex and I were together for 4 and 1/2 years. I've been doing NC for over for months and I must say it does help. The more I rationalize the ex-relationship the less I hurt.

It's the more difficult for me as we never had any fights or arguments. I keep asking myself: How could sth so good go so bad?

What I need to hear more of is: You will get thru this and eventually become a better and stronger person for this. It's tough but I think you have to let time do its work.

[justagirl20f]

100% Agree! You guys broke up for a reason. Find someone who doesn't rub you the wrong way bad enough to actually break up.

 

Maybe I'm one of those people who can fight with someone without thinking of ending the relationship. Because there is a HUGE difference between fighting and breaking up. All couples fight. But when you love someone you can argue and still know you wouldn't want to be without them (and they you).

 

Of course, there are those people who "break up" every time they fight... Usually storming out in a rage. These people aren't in the same basket as I am so I can't comment for them. When I break up with someone, I mean it.

 

Of course, I've been guilty of "breaking up" with someone as a cry for attention that I wasn't getting otherwise... LOL. It doesn't work.

[Pebek]

justagirl20f wrote:

But when you love someone you can argue and still know you wouldn't want to be without them (and they you).

 

I couldn't agree more. My x never talked to me openly about her problems in the relationship which were actually OUR problems. During the last year of our relationship she did say a couple of times that life was bringing her down and she had to change it. Maybe I should've smelled the rat, pardon my English. Anyway, if she had really loved me, which she didn't, as it turns out, she would've at least tried to sort out the things that bothered her. As she later told me she was afraid of losing me ???!!!

There is also the huge age gap that comes into the picture here - 16 years!!!

Yeah, I should've known better. Now my heart is bleeding and the memories are still tooooooo fresh to be just ... memories.

 

Pete

[quintana]

- Pebek

 

The average amount of time needed to recover from a break-up is 1 year. That's the word around the campfire, anyway.

 

Some, like John25, might get there in a few months or sooner, and some will not properly heal for many years.

 

There any many factors involved, naturally. Depending on the level of commitment, how many years together, previous luggage, specific circumstances of the break-up etc. But the average healing time is approximately one year.

 

I am average, in that area, as it took me precisely a year to reach a perspective on my past, present and future that "makes sense" and makes me feel good.

 

First six months was still a question of "us", whereas the last six months was all about "me".

 

NC helped a lot. Being angry was also great. And even greater when channelled through various sports. Getting drunk and getting laid shouldn't be knocked either. And yes, self-pity, even to alarming degrees, can be useful. Do it to a point when you feel sick about yourself and you don't ever want to be like that again.

 

There are many roads to recovery. Mine might have been a long and winding one (still average, though;-)), but I've reached the destination, which is: happiness with what was, acceptance of it never coming back in that particular version, a sense of optimism and purpose, and I find myself to be stronger, wiser, and even happier than ever.

 

Can't wait for you to get to the other side. It's great! Be patient, and you WILL come through stronger and better.

 

-Quintana

[Rebecca81]

I agree, Quintana. If we force ourselves to move on instantaneously, and forgo the grief process, then we end up worse off than before. Pain needs to be experienced. Before the healing stage comes the acceptance stage. Accepting takes a long time in itself. The important thing to do during this time is to let yourself bgrieve, but to also keep on doing your daily routine. Don't let this adversly affect other areas of your life. It is only human to feel a sense of loss.

 

Rebecca

[Pebek]

-quintana

 

Thanx for standing by me. My relationship lasted 4 and 1/2 years. That's quite a long time. The commitment was there, at least on my part. She broke up with me in March. The way she did it still puzzles me. Monday is great and on Friday evening she says she 'needs time' and 'the decision has been maturing for a year'. Not even a goodbye. Just like that. After almost 5 years. I've been in NC mode since then, and I must say it works. I know the road is long and painful but as u say we all get there sooner or later. I still have a few more months to go, of course if I'm average.

[quintana]

- Pebek.

 

4 1/2 years is a long time, and to have it end so abruptly must have left you bewildered.

 

It sounds like (lack of) communication was the major issue. She let her concerns develop for close to a year until they grew to resentment and she just wanted out. If she is truthful about this, of course.

 

Fighting shouldn't be part of a healthy relationship, but to argue is indeed healthy and necessary. That way you learn to vent, compromise and keep minor issues from snowballing into major obstacles.

 

I feel for you. It isn't fair of her to have kept these things to herself and then out of the blue to hit you with a definite decision.

 

I don't mean to beat you up about all this, but maybe the importance of communication is one of the lessons to learn from this relationship?

 

Continuing NC is good for you, I think. In time you will come to peace with the whole thing. But I sense that you would like some sort of explanation from her. A more lenghty one than what you got?

 

You may not get one that will satisfy you, though. I wrote a long letter to my ex-GF void of anger, accusations and such. It was a farewell letter with much warmth and me trying to understand where we went wrong.

 

Didn't bring her back, of course, but it was well received and it felt like a big relief to share my inner thoughts with her for one last time. (we didn't fare too well in the communication department either, you see).

 

Something for you to consider, maybe?

 

All will be well, trust me.

 

- Quintana

[Pebek]

-quintana

 

Thank you for your input. The communication problem may be partly my fault. I guess I should have talked to her more about our future together.

As for the explanation I got from her - I don't need any other, but why did she keep me hanging on for so long? That's what hurt me the most. I felt cheated. I just came in handy at an important time in her life (she was 19, just out of high school when we started dating) and she used me.

 

Pete

[John25]

I think the most important thing is to take something away from every break-up... I mean, you should always learn your lesson, although it would also be wrong to solely put all the blame on yourself. You virtually always need two people for a relationship to fail.

 

Anyway, I just wanted to bump this thread once as it's been just over a month for me now since I split up with my girlfriend and I can positively confirm that things get brighter fairly quickly. I still have an odd feeling from time to time in my stomach, but I feel much more positive now and I am bveginning to see things as a new start. I have kicked some bad habbits (biting nails, lip solve addiction hehe etc), bought myself a new car and next week I'm gonna sign up in a gym to get in shape. Also been out a lot, meeting lots of fresh faces and generally having a good time.

 

 

quintana,

 

"The average amount of time needed to recover from a break-up is 1 year. That's the word around the campfire, anyway."

 

To be honest, I think the outlook you giuve there is rather pessimistic. In fact, most people I know were really enjoying their lives 100% just 2-3 months after their breaking up, and personally I already consider myself semi-healed after only 6 weeks or so. In any case, things improve very quickly for most people after the initial shock is gone. You can still have a quiet emotional cry very infrequently even years after splitting up (i had this with my ex-ex girlfriend) but that's not really related to any real suffering... just fond memories. Besides, your recovery time definitely depends on your exact relationship.... a 10yr marriage is definitely more difficult to leave behind than a girl you went out with for four years who lived in your neighbourhood.

 

The only real advice I can give people is to try to not to get dragged into a self-pity spiral, because that is, in the end, what people cry about after a relationship ends... Look on the bright side: the world is also in many ways more beatiful when you finally have your eyes open again. I can definitely confirm that breaking up is an opportunity for personal growth!

[quintana]

-John25

 

I'm glad to hear that you're feeling so much better already - and getting better each and every day.

 

The 1-year recovery is the AVERAGE amount of time, I must stress. And it should also be noted that we all may think differently of the words "healed" and "recovered".

 

In my personal understanding to be fully recovered is when you're able to engage whole-heartedly in another serious relationship without the risk of jeopardizing this new relationship with too much (if indeed any) feelings of resentment, anger and so on stemming from your former relationship.

 

You may be able to do so in a couple of months. If so, great! And you should by no means feel bad about feeling great.

 

Meanwhile, though, others will not be ready for this for a couple of years, and they should by no means feel bad for feeling bad either. Or being made feel bad for feeling bad, rather.

 

John25 wrote: Look on the bright side: the world is also in many ways more beatiful when you finally have your eyes open again. I can definitely confirm that breaking up is an opportunity for personal growth!

 

I completely agree with this, and every major change in your life should be viewed as a possibility to grow.

 

Congrats on your new car, John25, and keep going by the speed you're going. You will get far!

 

Quintana