doyathink Posted March 22, 2011 Share Posted March 22, 2011 Nah, I go nc if I feel I need to. If I want to contact them, I will lol. I'm not afraid of doing what I feel I need to. My ex and I got back together. Sure we needed some time away from each other to cool off. And I'm sure if you would have commented on my post at the time, you would have told me the same generic answer you do to everyone here. I do what I feel I need to do. I go from the gut more then I do 'strict NC forever' policy that doesn't always fit. NC will NOT get your ex back....some relationships can be saved, and fixed. Just sayin...... Link to comment
resilient Posted March 22, 2011 Author Share Posted March 22, 2011 One time she told me 'I CAN NOT live without you', one month down the line she told me 'I DO NOT want to live with you'. which means ' I CAN Live without you' . In the time between her two statements something happened. I changed, became depressed and withdrawn. She said she did not like this kind of attitude IN me i.e. My lack of communication and not knowing what's on my mind. It means I have both reasons for her to say both statements (CANNOT and CAN live with you )WITHIN me. By going total NC it means I am confirming her original fears of my withdrawal. I can only allievate those fears by positive communication. My mistake was when she decided to break-up, I went nuts and started negative communication, exhibiting my weakness and confirming her fears. The question for me remains is how to deliver positive messages to her and at what intervals. And how can I undo what I have done in the time span between her CAN and CANNOT statements and after her break-up decision. Positive communication seems the only route. I agree with doyathink that at least for my own sake I should be able to tell to myself: ' I have given it ALL what I can'. I agree with DL for NC, NOT indefinitely though but not as frequently as to get on her nerves. Thats the challenge for me I guess. Link to comment
doyathink Posted March 22, 2011 Share Posted March 22, 2011 I would go very LC right now. Link to comment
resilient Posted March 22, 2011 Author Share Posted March 22, 2011 I agree, I think I should contact her when she least expects so. I would vary the frequency of contact . Maybe I should come up with an algorithem thats suits her personality. Or until she rejects me three times. Like what they do if you want to embrace certain religion. They turn you back three times. I think these people are wise. Link to comment
MakeItCount Posted March 22, 2011 Share Posted March 22, 2011 I agree, I think I should contact her when she least expects so. I would vary the frequency of contact . Maybe I should come up with an algorithem thats suits her personality. Or until she rejects me three times. Like what they do if you want to embrace certain religion. They turn you back three times. I think these people are wise. You could also wait for the stars to align so that it looks like they spell your ex's name. Break NC if you want, we'll be here waitin' for ya. IMO NC shouldn't be employed forever in cases of cheating, etc. What have you done to improve yourself, job, stress management wise? It's late and I haven't read through your thread, just the original post. Link to comment
resilient Posted March 22, 2011 Author Share Posted March 22, 2011 You could also wait for the stars to align so that it looks like they spell your ex's name. . That would be to the delight of her prospective bf if I maintain NC After a second thought I realized how selfish I have been during the last 3 weeks. I never asked her how she is doing, even though she mentioned she has been agonizing and in pain too. I was so self absorbed trying to take care of my emotions and forgot all about how she felt. If I were her, I wouldn't choose me. So that's why I have to change and regain my positive side. I think afterall we came to life to achieve something positive. This site helped to manage the stress, so many great helpful people here. Job wise, I got a new job but will start next month which is good because it is better to give my positive regained energy to the new job rather than start a job while feeling down. I am afraid if I maintain indefinite NC the situation would be like " the operation was successful , but the patient has died" Link to comment
resilient Posted March 22, 2011 Author Share Posted March 22, 2011 YESSS YOU CAN ATTRACT!. I just sent her this small text, Hello, how are you doing? your thoughts must have been cloudy lately,, I hope the sky is clear by now.. In the midst of the mess, I forgot to ask you how were doing, My apologies Not trying to pull your leg or anything She responded immediately: I have been ok, praise the Lord.. Normal routine, peacful overall.. How about you? Any news on the job front? I replied: Glad to hear, I am fine too, went skydiving last week, was great. Job wise something positive hopefully before by end of the month, will keep you posted that was it... I guess now I can go LC with free spirit! I feel elevated and very positive... thank you for listening and all the support.. Link to comment
MakeItCount Posted March 22, 2011 Share Posted March 22, 2011 I fail to see how that's attracted her? It's your choice if you want to keep in contact with her, but I doubt it'll do you any good to heal. Good luck. Link to comment
resilient Posted March 22, 2011 Author Share Posted March 22, 2011 I fail to see how that's attracted her? It's your choice if you want to keep in contact with her, but I doubt it'll do you any good to heal. Good luck. Well all my previous messages were containing negative energy and she never responded, except the message before the last one was neutral in tone. But when I changed my attitude to being positive and focused on HER NOT ME.. She responded.. Yes it was my choice to keep Contact but her choice to keep Silent if she wanted. I broke her silence that's the FIRST STEP to get her back in my particular condition. Maintaining friendly contact is better for healing than keeping grudge against each other within Thanks for wishing good luck we all need it Link to comment
doyathink Posted March 22, 2011 Share Posted March 22, 2011 You could also wait for the stars to align so that it looks like they spell your ex's name. ahahaa this cracked me up. LOL dont we all kinda do something like this at some point after a break up tho?! Link to comment
doyathink Posted March 22, 2011 Share Posted March 22, 2011 I totally agree. I dont like games, and im bad at playing them. If I want to say something to get it off my chest...or just to let them know Im thinking about them, I feel its ok. If they respond...ok....if not, thats ok too. Link to comment
Pirandello Posted March 22, 2011 Share Posted March 22, 2011 I have to go with DM on this one, the dumper must initiate contact, going after someone that rejected you is not healthy. I believe in strict NC for healing and living your life alone again happy , so you don't depend on your ex to be happy. What should I give her the power of holding my happiness? NC gives you back your power and she will have to make the effort to get you back because she decided to dump you and live her life without you. At the same time you will know if she truly loves you if she makes the first steps to reconciliation. Link to comment
resilient Posted March 22, 2011 Author Share Posted March 22, 2011 I have to go with DM on this one, the dumper must initiate contact, going after someone that rejected you is not healthy. I believe in strict NC for healing and living your life alone again happy , so you don't depend on your ex to be happy. What should I give her the power of holding my happiness? NC gives you back your power and she will have to make the effort to get you back because she decided to dump you and live her life without you. At the same time you will know if she truly loves you if she makes the first steps to reconciliation. Ok Pirnadello, it is very hard to feel rejected. When someone dumps you, they 'trigger' in you that horrible feeling of rejection. But assuming they had good intention, they may dump you not because you do not mean anything to them but because something 'triggered' that feeling in them and the only way for them to be true is to walk away. Unless they have to crusify themselves and stay against their own heart felt will. Once you get beyond the initial shock and pain of break-up, I think the only way to heal is make quite and positive contact with the dumper. Show her you are ok, you recovered and you are ready to move on. That will give you back your feeling of pride that you lost at the initial stage. On the other hand there is a 'possibility' that she will realize her loss. I think this would be the best time for us to go NC. We will bring ourselves back to the day when we first met whereby we had the choice to continue or stop. But this time the difference we already know who we are dealing with and we can make 'informed' decision. From my personal experience of this ordeal, in spite of all the pain that I felt in the last few weeks, today I feel relieved that I contacted her positively. Now I feel it is ok to let go. I can go friendly NC. Link to comment
Pirandello Posted March 22, 2011 Share Posted March 22, 2011 You have to go NC , I know its hard, but if you keep talking you are easing her guilt, you are telling her it's ok that she dumped you. And if you get back, she will do it again one day when she feels you are weak again. If she knows she can have you anytime your killing challenge and she will look for another male. I know talking to her may seem like the right thing to do, but no dude you will push her away. I know you don't like what I am telling you right now but I'm only trying to help you. Let her make the first moves and the time it takes you will work on yourself. If she wants to meet other guys, let her. Better now she sees what's out there then when you are married with kids. Link to comment
dramallama Posted March 22, 2011 Share Posted March 22, 2011 I have to go with DM on this one, the dumper must initiate contact, going after someone that rejected you is not healthy. I believe in strict NC for healing and living your life alone again happy , so you don't depend on your ex to be happy. What should I give her the power of holding my happiness? NC gives you back your power and she will have to make the effort to get you back because she decided to dump you and live her life without you. At the same time you will know if she truly loves you if she makes the first steps to reconciliation. THIS. It's just desperate to keep in touch. What is friendly NC? Link to comment
Pirandello Posted March 23, 2011 Share Posted March 23, 2011 THIS. It's just desperate to keep in touch. What is friendly NC? maybe it's a semi NC, like a NC where you can have some pity over the girl and give her some news about yourself. in resilient's case, i feel like all she cares is that he gets a job and starts working. she clearly mentioned it in her reply, how are things in the job front? man i wish i sent my ex a letter before doing NC, but i went straight to NC right after break up and told her to don't call me anymore. you think i was a little brutal with her? dramallama? Link to comment
catfeeder Posted March 23, 2011 Share Posted March 23, 2011 [...] What is friendly NC? My private definition would be that it's when you can be at peace with the last thing you've said to someone. Link to comment
resilient Posted March 23, 2011 Author Share Posted March 23, 2011 Friendly NC My private definition would be that it's when you can be at peace with the last thing you've said to someone. Yes that's what I meant, to go NC when I am at peace and when I have demonstrated to her that I did really love her, I was hurt, I have recovered, my job is back, I am ok and we are at where we started off when we first dated + some common history. I am going for friendly NC now. If she doesn't love me anymore, that's her own feeling I can not hold it against her... because it is part of her. If I continue to love her and not see someone else, tough luck for me. I simply could not see this reality in day 1 after the break-up because I was blinded with emotions. Now even if she tries to come back, and I doubt she would, I will be able to discuss with her issues that I was putting off while the relationship was still going. Have you ever walked away from someone who loved you Pirandello? I know I have, what hurts me most now is knowing exactly the feeling that I have caused to someone else in the past. If time goes back I would have done the same thing because I couldn't have done otherwise. So is She. Link to comment
resilient Posted March 23, 2011 Author Share Posted March 23, 2011 man i wish i sent my ex a letter before doing NC, but i went straight to NC right after break up and told her to don't call me anymore. you think i was a little brutal with her? dramallama? My personal opinion is, if she had any genuine fears, you would have confirmed her fears by going total NC from day one. Actually, in my case the minute she walked out the door i deleted her blackberry contact, because I was blinded with shock and anger. But then I decided not to fight my own emotions because if we kill your emotions, we become emotionless, stone face. Which is far serious problem. I have been there before and I don't like the feeling. Thats why I decided to let her know, through email, honestly what has her break-up do to me. The good thing about sending emails is you can caliberate and filter your feelings and what you say before pressing the send button. You can not do that under such circumistances if your response was verbal. In my case should she come back, I want her to come back out in love and not in need to fulfill some psychological gap that she herself is not even aware of. Link to comment
Pirandello Posted March 23, 2011 Share Posted March 23, 2011 But i did not go NC to hurt her, she said some really insulting things to me and i got tired of her bad attitude and she broke up for the third time, so that's why i went NC right away. When she text me 2 weeks later she didn't even apologize for the things she said to me. I cannot accept that. She just wanted to ease her guilt, she is a selfish woman. And proof of that, she went back on a dating site to find a replacement right away. So she was just using me. she don't deserve any communication from my part or explanation. I cannot believe this woman loved me. i have dumped women before and i did not go looking for another girl right away. if she had fears, she had to face her fears because she chose to leave the relationship. I was not going to stick around to comfort her and reward her for leaving. Link to comment
resilient Posted March 23, 2011 Author Share Posted March 23, 2011 she went back on a dating site to find a replacement right away. So she was just using me. she don't deserve any communication from my part or explanation. I cannot believe this woman loved me. . Pirandello, the one million dollar question for you is "Are you still in love with her or not?" because the course of action depends on the answer to that question. I appreciate what you are saying, but what I am saying is: Rregardless of what she has done to you, if you still love her, then your message to her should be that of Love. If the messages has always been 'Love your enemy' then how about Love the ones you love? I am not preaching here. But I believe this kind of love message heals. That's my humble opinion. I assume you still in love her. Unfortunately, sometimes the ones we love have problems, such problems could be triggered by our interaction with them or intrinsic to their character, and we have to deal with those problems or simply LOVE them AND LEAVE them. I think it is never too late to send such love message and then go friendly NC. Link to comment
Pirandello Posted March 23, 2011 Share Posted March 23, 2011 I cannot answer that question. That question should be asked to her, she is the one who ended it. But i know my answer, nobody in love with someone will dump them 3 times. No matter the reasons they give. when 2 people love each other they will work out their differences. Link to comment
resilient Posted March 23, 2011 Author Share Posted March 23, 2011 I cannot answer that question. . well, no wonder it is called "one million dollar question" Link to comment
Pirandello Posted March 23, 2011 Share Posted March 23, 2011 only time will tell if we were in love, if she is able to be with someone else and move on quickly she was not in love. Link to comment
resilient Posted March 23, 2011 Author Share Posted March 23, 2011 Pirandello, does that mean that your love to her is conditional to her love to you? Link to comment
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