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She broke up, will she come back?


resilient

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Thanks Pirandello, it seems we have similar outcome except for the timing. She tried to justify and told me she could be always there for talk, but at the time of breakup. Initially I told her I didn't need that, but regretfully I spent the first five days after breakup sending her wailing and weeping emails. I think the damage that I have done is beyond repair for long time to come. Frankly now I can see the full picture.

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My friend it's never too late, even if you begged, pleaded, whatever... Just from now on, start doing NC, do the opposite of what you did, let time pass, you will see, you will heal quicker and she will still feel guilt. Don't worry her feelings or emotions for you won't just disappear, push her away a bit, she knows she can have you, that's why she's pushing you away. She has to feel a fear of loss, and this will happen when at least 4 weeks of no contact have passed. I know it's hard, but it's your last chance to get her back. You have to let go and accept that you might not be with her anymore. Once you accept this and move on, you will work on yourself, work on being happy on your own. Then once you are healed, when you least expect it, you will get a call. Be prepared for that call.

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even if you tell her you are feeling pain, she won't care, it's going to push her away further, you want her to come back out of pity? or you want her to see the new you, strong, independent, not needy, confident. Use this time away to read books about self improvement, and woman psychology. They don't think like us and we have to understand them more, especially in relationships. Remember they choose the mate they want to be with, because it's genetically wired in their brain to mate with a strong male that provides security and confidence, because she naturally seeks a provider for her and her offsprings, they do this unconsciously. You can cry all you want and show you are feeling pain, it won't change anything and if she comes back out of pity, she will dump you again later once you are healed. Because her needs did not change, she still wants a strong male. So be that male and show her you can live without her. Show you are not weak and never beg a woman to come back if she left you in the first place. It's up to her to come back if she wants to be with you. ok?

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Jeff, Pirandello, thanks for your encouragement. I have already committed myself to maintain NC and I am going to live by that. I was only expressing my pain through this thread rather than to her. The woman psychology in this regard is a bit strange because I have seen cases (her best friends) where the woman is the provider and money factor was an issue if the woman is really in love. That doesn't mean I am looking for this model in my life. I have been a provider throughout my life. But with her I was not prepared to provide her with luxury in difficult times. While the relationship was ongoing I was holding myself alright and we were doing fine. I was just not prepared because it happened quickly and without solid reasons from her side. Well, she became my weakest point. We all have weak points don't we?. Even great men in history tend to have weak points towards the women they loved. This is love isn't it? This is what it does. Real love doesn't know limits. Would this experience teach me to love with measure next time? Then I would not be interested to love again. Or maybe I was barking at the wrong tree. And maybe I was hurt not because of what she did, but because I showed her my weak side and made myself vulnerable. Under all circumistances, I am going to maintain NC. If I ever come back to this thread saying I contacted her, then please name me and shame me.

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I understand how you feel resilient, i lost my job too in 2009, it wasn't easy, 1 month later my girl dumped me, then i went into depression for 6 months, i hated her so much for what she did, she was shallow, cold hearted and superficial. But you know what, i am glad it happened early, imagine i would have married her and have kids with her and lost my job then. She would have probably divorced me. Now i can spot this type of women from far and stay away from them, no offense to women here, there is amazing women out there that are loving and caring and i respect them a lot. Just for the future we will avoid the gold digging type, don't repeat our mistakes as that would be just insanity. You did your best resilient, like you said, you could not provide luxury to her in difficult times and she had to understand this and be by your side until the hard times are over. Instead she bailed out, just like my ex did. Also one more thing, we live in a time where women now earn good salaries and we can live in a 50/50 sharing type relationship and things are fair. Look for a woman that is fair and not too demanding financially, so she will love you for who you are, not how much you carry in your wallet, cheers !

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Cheers Pirnadello,

I am trying to maintain my sanity here.. can you help me understand her logic? this is what she wrote among other things on day 5 after break-up (now it has been 2 weeks):

 

"If anything was honest about our relationship it was us towards each other, and that there were no hidden intentions, no external influences, no immaturity and superficiality.

It hurts me to even think that you judge me by what I like to do for fun or what I like to buy or how I see entertainment.. Knowing well that these are not at the heart of who I am, and that you were for some time able to see deeper than that, and I hope you continue to"

 

what is the psychology behind that?

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i have no idea its a mixed signal, and i learned to don't try to understand logically what a woman says, but rather analyze what a woman does. her actions speak words. And if she is ready to break it off at every little problem it means she has low interest level in you. Better to cut your losses before you get hurt more.

A woman with a high interest level in you will not play mind games or confuse you and she will not be hot and cold. She will be understanding, patient and be by your side no matter what. Hanging on to hope that a low interested woman will come back to us is not healthy. Maybe if a miracle happens she will get high interest level back, with time if she realizes her loss, but if she never realizes it, there is nothing we can do, it's hopeless. I am in a worse situation than you, i saw my ex last night on the dating site where we met last year, she is already looking for a new mate, 1 month after breakup. So what do i do? hang on to hope and let her see what is out there, she might meet someone she will be happy with or she might go on rebound to rebound and maybe realize that she cannot find what she had with me. Only time will tell, i will let destiny decide. I will keep NC strong its been 4 weeks today.

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So what do i do? hang on to hope and let her see what is out there, she might meet someone she will be happy with or she might go on rebound to rebound and maybe realize that she cannot find what she had with me. Only time will tell, i will let destiny decide. .

 

Maybe she was on rebound when she met me online, she initiated the interest first, that would explain things. She did mention that she was in relationship with a married man before, but the circumstances in which they broke-up were mysterious. At one point, when she wanted to introduce me to her best friend, her best friend told her : 'what's the point? by the time I (her friend) get introduced to him (me), you (my ex) will be in a new relationship'. She was honest enough to tell me what the thoughts of her friend were... it is strange that the imperfections that we like about the one we love are the same things that bite back on us. I could experience the manifestation of the saying " wherein a man sins, therein is he punished". I think that is what destiny is all about... I just can't wait till time goes by, it is the only guarantee to heal wounds... And I hope when time goes by I will hear your good news relationship wise and otherwise.

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thanks resilient, in the meantime it's good to read about relationship advice and write down a list of things you hated about your ex and why you are better off without her now.

I know it sounds crazy, but it works, also write down what you would like to improve in your life, and what kind of relationship you want with the next girl and what kind of girl you would like to meet. It's good to have filters, it saves you a lot of pain and time and money. If your gut tells you something is wrong, do not be afraid to have walking power.

You don't have to stay, you are allowed to leave too. Today i made an effort, i did not go snoop around on the dating site to see if ex was online, I feel a lot better than yesterday. NC really works. Don't break it.

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A woman with a high interest level in you will not play mind games or confuse you and she will not be hot and cold. She will be understanding, patient and be by your side no matter what. Hanging on to hope that a low interested woman will come back to us is not healthy. Maybe if a miracle happens she will get high interest level back, with time if she realizes her loss, but if she never realizes it, there is nothing we can do, it's hopeless.

 

I think people should be saying things like this more often on this site. It helped me, even though I'm still hurting.

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it is sad... reality sucks sometimes... giving up hope sucks even more... giving up trying sucks the most... i mean dead people or people with dead feelings give up trying... I am not sure about the story of valentine, didn't he die for the sake of the one he loved? didn't his dedication made him great person in the eyes of lovers? or something along that line? or whatever the story is...

 

You know what? I am going to ask her to do me a favour.. I will ask her to create a special email account where I could dump all my reflections and love letters to her there... then it is up to her to read them or not. I will not be asking for replies from her so that will not be considered harassment.. maybe one day when she realizes my love to her did not die she would change her mind and raise her interest level... I am just trying to think outside the box here... does that make sense?

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I have been reading some stuff and I got to understand that a dumpee going after a dumper is like chasing a scared rabbit.. once I tried to chase a scared rabbit and I scared the hell out of him not to come back for a while... the only way I could get him back is to give him space and time and ofcourse a carrot in a cardbox with one opening only... I have to think of the carrot that I need to treat her after she gives up the thought that I am chasing her... well that's still thinking inside the box but I hope it works.

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I am just thinking to shift her attention away from our failed relationship so she doesn't get the impression that I am chasing her... she failed many relationships before and similarly I did the same thing... so it must be not my relationship with her that is not working... it must be each of us individually... so my approach is to let her address this issue by giving her AL Turtle's Relationship Wisdom theory to read... once she bragged aobut her big size intellect,, I hope that will lead her understand indirectly that she should not give up a relationship that easy and give it another try... on my side this is one way not to give up hope at this stage at least...

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I agree with your analogy to the rabbit. So true. The best thing to do is vanish. I did that when she broke up with me about 1 year ago. Then about 9 months later after I initiated contact saying I had gotten myself together, I got contact that I mistakenly took for her wanting to come back. That led to me pushing and she has disappeared now. I don't know man. I don't know that I'll ever hear from her again, but I'll go back to no contact. Who knows, regardless, she needs time to think and find herself, and my pushing at that moment was the last thing she needed.

 

In the end, there's really not much we can do. We know how we feel. We can't control how they feel. They either do or they don't. But yeah, I know what you're going through.

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ok considering the rabbit analogy. I will create a new email account with new name and password (the cardbox) ... I will drop her a letter into the inbox of the new account..In the letter I will explain to her the issues she might be facing , me included, since in spite of having been into many relationships, now nearing the age of 40 she (we) never had one lasting relationship which means other underlying issues other than having to do with us in particular, involving our initial choices and reactions during the course of the relationship .. I will introduce her to common relationship problems like the Grass Is Greener Syndrome and Al Turtle's theory (the carrot) ... I will send her short email with the account name and password telling her it is up to her to log on and read what I had to say (the gate to the cardbox)...

I really don't know what is her mood now we are 9 days into NC.. If she is not interested now or still having low level interest she will not log on.. but maybe down the line as I maintain NC, one day she may feel down and remember me and wonder what I had to say... this way I would keep my hope living while going on in my life...

I think no matter what the outcome maybe.. I have learned alot from this forum and having felt comforted by unkown yet great people like you being around..

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ya it's no use to chase. they rejected us. We have to reject them too. Also in her mind she probably thinks, he will always be there for me waiting, he will take me back anytime. So that kills the challenge. As much as i am tempted to call her back and tell her that i had no intention of dumping her, now it's too late and she won't believe it anyway. i still think NC is the only way to make her understand that i will not let her dump me each time and take her back again and again, it's a vicious cycle and i will go insane. I am entering 5th week of NC and feeling better, i miss her like crazy but i do not miss the arguments and her mood swings and mind games. resilient keep doing NC, she will start to wonder what you are up to eventually and contact you first.

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Pirandello, I see what you are saying... but don't you think NC is the last step that we should take after we have dotted the i's and crossed the t's with the dumper? ok she is never perfect and i am never perfect too.. but it is my obligation to admit my mistakes to her honestly, without asking her to come back.. then it is up to her to decide... it is her decision afterall.. they say " you can take the horse to the river but you can not force her to drink".

 

The concept that I am thinking of and the shift in strategy that I am calling for, from whatever everybody is saying here is: everybody considers the dumpee as the viticm but how could the dumpee be a victim if the dumpee is the pursuer and the dumper is the one running away?? I mean if we start treating the dumper as a victim and start to address the dumper issues, then maybe we can find a way outside the box to get her back... does that make any sense?

 

Bytheway, I already prepared my letter, I think out of respect to her intelligence I am thinking to send her straight to her email without trying play mind games... I am just not sure if one week is NC is far enough to make her start wondering... also I don't wanna to be too late... I guess I will leave it to my gut feeling when to send it.. but I will keep you posted of the outcome.

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Resilient,

 

I see what you're saying.. I pretty much did what you're talking about. My ex left me after 4 years because I was noncommittal. I loved her, but wouldn't go to the next step. She left. Months later, after no contact, I sent her a detailed and heartfelt email stating my apology as well as my feelings and hope to reconcile. I found out later she'd been in a relationship at that time. When she ended the relationship, I heard from her. By this time, it had been about 8 months since we were together. She wanted to meet. We did. In person I also apologized and let her know I wanted to give things another try. It was a good visit, but the next day she kind of backed off and now I don't hear anything.

 

Anyway, I did what you're talking about. I put it all out on the table for her. It was up to her to take it or leave it. Apparently she's decided to leave it. But I do feel good at least in knowing that I let her know where I stood and what I was willing to offer.

 

But you guys are right, the hardest part is being rejected again. I wish I could have said these things to her when it still mattered. Ultimately it all comes down to - they want you or they don't.

 

I don't believe in games, even though I realize that's sometimes what it takes. I just like to lay my cards on the table and hope they do the same. Sometimes as I am seeing, you simply lose though.

 

I guess my point is, let her know what you're thinking... as long as you can back it up. Then hope it's not too late as I was.

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guys i see what you are saying... but i still believe in NC and breaking it will just push her away more. if she contacts you first then it is ok to let her know whatever was on your chest, but wait first, let her lead the conversation, if she is heading towards reconciling then let her do the steps, if not then you can say whatever you had to say. i dont feel i should contact a woman that rejected me and insulted me. I'd rather keep my dignity and find someone else. Besides if you keep contacting her it's like saying to her, it's ok that you dumped me, come back and after a while you can do it to me again.

You have to make her understand that what she did to you was wrong and NC is the way you can.

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