cut or fatel wound

[LonelyAmaris]

I dont want to be alive. I bought a surgery scaple off a medical site to slit my wrist or fately stab myself.

 

I just left one abusive situation to go into another one. The first was pretty bad but this one isn't good either am too depressed to carry on. I am gonna do it proably anytime tonight between this week. I am heavily thinking about tonight.

 

I have nothing but f***** pain and misery. People have no idea adn never will unles they can walk in my shoes experience my life. I am utterly done with life. If I don't kill myslef in this state I might go to San Juan and do it on a beachh I have been saying that for a while now. Or I thought about New MExico somewherer out in desert.

 

I am gonna dig a hole place plastic around hole. So when I fall in the plastic will drag dirt over my body in deep hole. I don't want anyone finding touching my body until its bones. I am gonna go way out way out in the desert. It would be months atleast before someone found me.

 

 

So where am st now San Juan or New Mexico...?

 

 

Just wanted to talk to someone am so alone in life this iste helps but its not gonns stop me. I jusut would like someone to talk to my last days.

 

 

I am gonna do I already bought the scaple. The past relationship and thinsg before that my life in general is just too mch to handle I wnet from a abusive relationship to a ex convict and menatal ill persons house. They scapgoat on me long story. It just seemes like better than where I was which really neither are lesser evils.

 

I just to need to end this sh***. Shelters are full in area been calling even if there weren't I still don't want to be alive. No one tellng me something they don't know life things will get better are going to help because the truth is YOU DON'T KNOW.

 

So Let me decide since I have had to live MY life not you. o you can't tell me how to deal with it. I just want someone to talk to that feels the same or just someone who ISN'T GOING TO JUDGE ME or try to talk me out of it. Hey its my last days on earth just want to connect to another human being. We don't have to talk suscide lets talk about you or just something to get my mind off my miserable life and what am about to do.

[pbsurf]

I'll talk to you. I won't judge you.

 

Do you like music?

[SVSV]

I'll talk to you.

What movies do you like?

[Miss Firecracker]

I see I missed your last thread, Amaris. You left the man, but where did you go? What sort of building are you in?

[LonelyAmaris]

Yes I love music if it wasn't for music i WOULD BE DEAD already.So yeah I love music ( lol ) . It is very therapeutic. What kind do you listen to? O listen to Rock Indie( Independent ) Some Emo and some other stuff. WHat about you ?

[LonelyAmaris]

Its not good Miss FireCracker- Its not good at all. I am losing it. I am under too much pressure with no outlet. Things have always been sorta crazy you know. I havent had a very good life and personally I am ready to end it all. What the hell. I mean its not like I asked to be here in the first place.. I am tired of everything not just that last bad relationship I was in .

[Miss Firecracker]

I understand why you feel that way, Amaris, especially if you never had a good life. It's hard, I know it is.

 

No parents to help you out? No one?

 

Is this man you were with a convict, or was that another man? I am not sure what you meant.

[LonelyAmaris]

MISS FIRECRACKER: The only place I found to go was to stay with a couple who one is a ex-convict abusive women hating alcoholic is abusive to his girlfriend and me and she is mentally ill and not taking medicine. so she freaks out too on me. I didn't want to come here but felt like When i got the chance I needed to take it. But this isn't a healthy environment for me for anyone really. Its sickness and I can't do this anymore. Its a freak situation. The keep telling me to call back until they get a bed. This is why I tried to tell people there are no good options at the moment. But am not going to keep letting life screw me over **** I f**** hate this place this earth the hate the violence the confusion the everything everything everything.

[LonelyAmaris]

Am 24 and may have to wear a diaper. Because of the high stress abusive high trama situations. i have developed some da*** condition. I am fu**** 24 !!!!!!!!!! and because of the fu****** trama i have ben through I can't even fu****** hold my pi*****. A lot has been taken from me and I am to blame as well as others free will. At the end of everything it doesn't matter who's to blame because everything is so f**** up already. And am going to die. I admit I am afraid he is going to try to hunt me down if am dead he can't do anything to harm me anymore..I don't have to wake up anymore I can just rest. Isn't that what everyone wants anyway well am gonna get

 

IN CASE EVERYONE IS WONDERING WHERE I GOT MONEY FROM I AM TRYING TO SELL MYLAST WORLDLY asset I DIDN'T WANT TO PART WITH IT BUT HAVE NO CHOICE. SO AFTER ITS GONE YOU I WON'T HAVE A WAY TO CONTACT YOU GUYS AGAIN.

[Miss Firecracker]

If I knew where you are, I could get you phone numbers to call for help.

[LonelyAmaris]

Phone Numbers aren't going to help. I AM QUITE CAPABLE OF FINDING RESOURCES AND USING A PHONE. I have put it on here many times. The full shelters in my area are four and keep telling me to call back tomorrow. That is all they ever say every day. Its been almost two weeks.

 

And its not about shelters its about a lack of a will to live. nothing is gonna cure this.... Some people's lives just suck and its hard to accept but its true.

 

 

I hate that everyone has always scolded me to" LEAVE" go to a "shelter" as if they know the resources in my area... or like I don't want to leave and if i COULD then I would have done it already. Sometimes there are no easy answers nO quick fixes. Its not that I haven't been trying.

 

It would be dumb to just pick up my stuf and leave with no money and no where to go. This situation isn't the greatest either and I don't think It can be said its "better cuz its not.