MissSMcc Posted February 25, 2011 Share Posted February 25, 2011 i was at a job meeting yesterday, my new neighbour happened to be there, she invited me to hers for coffee then came shopping with me. later i got a note through my door from her asking to borrow some money, not much but im pretty broke just now and she knows that. the note said she was desperate and embarresed at asking, so i lent her it. then this morning there was another note asking to borrow the same amount again. ive only known her 2 days and both days she has asked for money! i lent her the second amount but told her i cant lend her any more, and told her i dont normally lend people money because it makes me feel awkward. she says she'll pay me back tomorrow. what do i do if this keeps happening? i cant avoid her, and we live 2 doors away from each other so i dont want any bad feelings between us, she seems really nice but money is so tight for me just now i cant afford to lose any, and i usually consider money lent money lost if that makes sense (because you cant be sure you'll get it back). how do i stop this without offending her? Link to comment
Tanzi Posted February 25, 2011 Share Posted February 25, 2011 She did what? Please, please, please don't lend her anymore money. She has befriended you only so she can borrow money from you. Next time she asks tell her straight that money is tight and that you can't afford to lend her anymore. If she starts begging, stand your ground. Tell her you have bills to pay for and that you simply don't have money to throw away. Please don't worry about offending her. She wasn't worried about offending you by befriending you one day and asking you for money the next ... and the next! Of course she seems nice to you all the while she can borrow money from you. You don't know her and you don't owe her anything. In fact she owes you ... lets see if she repays you back before making a judgement if she is a nice person or not. She shouldn't be asking you for money. Its is as simple as that. Link to comment
nutbrownhare Posted February 25, 2011 Share Posted February 25, 2011 Just say that while you'd really like to help, you just can't. If you lose the friendship, so be it. Years back, a neighbour who was a heroin addict - and actually a very nice girl - one day asked if I'd lend her the money for a packet of cigarettes - that was no problem. Only she came back the next day to ask to borrow more. She never spoke to me again after I politely but firmly refused. You've told your neighbour you haven't got any money and can't afford to lend her any. If this crops up again, just be polite, pleasant, firm - and stick to your guns. It could be that everything's fine, she'll pay you back, no offence to anyone and all will be OK. It might not, though, and you need to stand your ground if it doesn't. You haven't known her for long enough to really consider her a friend. It would be nice if a friendship developed out of this acquaintance, but it might not. You owe her nothing. If she takes offence to a perfectly reasonable stance on your part - that is her problem and hers alone. Link to comment
Tanzi Posted February 25, 2011 Share Posted February 25, 2011 Also bear in mind that if she keeps asking you for money because she is desperate then she is never going to have the money to pay you back! Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted February 25, 2011 Share Posted February 25, 2011 I know someone like that. She hits everyone up for money. Don't lend her anymore money because with someone like her it is not a loan, she is just taking the money with no intention of paying it back. Chances are she has done this to a lot of people. It doesn't matter that she is your neighbour, she clearly has no concern for being neighbourly, she just wants money. I would also steer clear of her. Link to comment
MissSMcc Posted February 25, 2011 Author Share Posted February 25, 2011 yeah i did think it was very odd that she asked me considering i hardly know her, its not something i'd do myself. i hate offending people, especially people i have to live beside! but it's just not right. even if she pays me back i will refuse to lend her any more. i hope she will pay me back but if she doesn't at least i'll know not to, even if she begs. it's just so hard to have to say no when i have to see her every day, and now i'll look like the bad person for saying no when really she shouldn't be asking me in the first place! Link to comment
nutbrownhare Posted February 25, 2011 Share Posted February 25, 2011 now i'll look like the bad person for saying no when really she shouldn't be asking me in the first place! You won't look like the bad person ... apart from in your own estimation. Link to comment
Tanzi Posted February 25, 2011 Share Posted February 25, 2011 and now i'll look like the bad person for saying no when really she shouldn't be asking me in the first place! Not at all. She is the one in the wrong here for asking a total stranger (which you are, neighbour or not) for money. Befriending you one day and asking you for money the next does NOT make her a friend and she is not your responsibility. And, ask yourself this ... why is she asking you? What about her friends and family? It makes you wonder if she has perhaps exhausted their generosity so now she is moving on to strangers. Link to comment
sidehop Posted February 25, 2011 Share Posted February 25, 2011 Money and friends never mix. That's how I see it. It causes a lot of problems. Link to comment
MissSMcc Posted February 25, 2011 Author Share Posted February 25, 2011 And, ask yourself this ... why is she asking you? What about her friends and family? It makes you wonder if she has perhaps exhausted their generosity so now she is moving on to strangers. she said today that her dad normally helps her but his pension isn't due until monday. i can't keep lending her money, im on a strict budget, my daughters dad doesnt pay child support and i have to plan all expenses down to the last pound. i feel bad for her if shes struggling, but so am i and i just cant help her. i sometimes have a problem saying no to people when they need something, i guess its just my nature but i have to start thinking of myself first, i just know i'll feel really awkward saying no. Link to comment
MissSMcc Posted February 25, 2011 Author Share Posted February 25, 2011 hopefully she wont ask me again, i did explain after the second time that i cant lend any more and i dont normally lend money. when i spoke to her the first time i said if you need anything just come round,as neighbours do, (meaning borrow my lawnmower, sugar, extension cord etc..) i did not expect this! what should i say if she does ask again? Link to comment
sidehop Posted February 25, 2011 Share Posted February 25, 2011 If you don't say no, not only she'll step all over you for money but you're letting yourself become more vulnerable. Don't be that victim. You have to put up that boundary and take a stance when it's needed. Link to comment
agent1607307371 Posted February 25, 2011 Share Posted February 25, 2011 what should i say if she does ask again? Sorry I'm skint. Do you have the __ amount I lent you on __? If she's doing this to you, she's obviously figured out you're a soft touch. Don't feel bad about not wanting to be ripped off. Link to comment
MissSMcc Posted February 25, 2011 Author Share Posted February 25, 2011 If you don't say no, not only she'll step all over you for money but you're letting yourself become more vulnerable. Don't be that victim. You have to put up that boundary and take a stance when it's needed. yeah i agree, and im definatley saying no. im not someones personal loan officer, and im actually quite offended that she asked me, knowing my situation. if she doesnt want to talk to me after i say no thats fine, and says more about her than it does about me. its just that we live next to each other so i dont want things to be more awkward than they need to be. i just got rid of one nasty neighbour i dont need another one. Link to comment
nutbrownhare Posted February 25, 2011 Share Posted February 25, 2011 she said today that her dad normally helps her but his pension isn't due until monday. Good grief - what sort of person are you dealing with here???!!! Scrounging off her pensioner father? Scrounging off a single-parent neighbour? This is someone who really needs to start taking responsibility for herself. Just as you need to be taking responsibility for yourself. There are times when we really need to say "NO" very clearly to people, not just for ourselves but for them, too. You really don't need to feel bad about it. Link to comment
MissSMcc Posted February 25, 2011 Author Share Posted February 25, 2011 you're a soft touch. . thats exactly what i am! im not going to be like that anymore though, but its hard because it comes naturally to some people to not be taken in by the sob story, but i have to work at it. Link to comment
MissSMcc Posted February 25, 2011 Author Share Posted February 25, 2011 some people might say im making a big deal, it wasnt a huge amount (£20, think thats about $30) but considering thats about half my weeks food budget it is a big deal to me. Link to comment
Tanzi Posted February 25, 2011 Share Posted February 25, 2011 she said today that her dad normally helps her but his pension isn't due until monday. i can't keep lending her money, im on a strict budget, my daughters dad doesnt pay child support and i have to plan all expenses down to the last pound. i feel bad for her if shes struggling, but so am i and i just cant help her. i sometimes have a problem saying no to people when they need something, i guess its just my nature but i have to start thinking of myself first, i just know i'll feel really awkward saying no. She takes her dads pension money?!?! She spends all her own money, then moves onto her dad's pension money and then when the poor old guy doesn't have any left she moves on to total strangers whilst waiting for HIS pension money to come in again. Nice woman!! If she asks again then tell her what you have said above in bold. If she continues to ask then she is proving herself to be a selfish woman who is thinking of herself only. You need to think of yourself first too, as you said above, so continue to stand your ground and she will soon give up. The more you lend, the more she will ask and I have a feeling you won't see the money again. She obviously doesn't have it to give you back if she is always borrowing money from others. Link to comment
Tanzi Posted February 25, 2011 Share Posted February 25, 2011 some people might say im making a big deal, it wasnt a huge amount (£20, think thats about $30) but considering thats about half my weeks food budget it is a big deal to me. You are not making a big deal. £20 is a lot of money to lend someone .... and a total stranger at that! Its not just about the money though, its the principle too ... and the fact that if you keep on lending her money, she will continue to ask for more and all those £10 or £20 you lend her will all add up. Link to comment
TidalWave Posted February 25, 2011 Share Posted February 25, 2011 how do i stop this without offending her? You have completely wrong point of view. Look, you have a situation in your life, where there is not a lot money to spare. That's the fact you are going to build your life approach on. You go from there. Why do you think your life's situation should offend someone? And if it does, well to hell with them. Tell her clearly that you don't have money to spare at the moment. Period. And what's up with the notes? She wants something she should come in person. Don't feel sorry or embarrassed of your situation. It is what it is, and if you are working on improving it you got nothing to fear. A few days ago a beggar asked me if I had some cash that she hasn't had eaten in 2 days, I said ''yes I got some, not for you tho''. I couldn't care less if she starved to death. The place she lives in and where I do live in, is full of opportunities to make living. I would understand if she was from some place where the opportunity doesn't exists. But I've no regard for local parasites . You must stop thinking that you can be nice to everyone, not only will they not appreciate it, they don't deserve it. Link to comment
MissSMcc Posted February 25, 2011 Author Share Posted February 25, 2011 and the fact that if you keep on lending her money, she will continue to ask for more and all those £10 or £20 you lend her will all add up. thats exactly what i dont want to happen, and why im determined not to lend/give her any more money. i dont want her seeing me as some person that she can rely on to give her money, its the principle like you said, and also the fact that i cant afford it, even if i could any extra money i have i want to spend on my daughter and myself, not giving the neighbour. if she pays me back thats great, if not lesson learned the hard way. either way, its not happening again. i just hope she can take it decently and not start bad mouthing me for it. Link to comment
lavenderdove Posted February 25, 2011 Share Posted February 25, 2011 Actually, she has a lot of nerve asking someone she just met for money! There are some people who are just terrible mooches who use other people, and she's obviously one of them if she hits up people she just met for money. And she's already admitted she's mooching off her father's pension, and she should be working and budgeting her money. There's also a good chance that she might be a drug addict using your money for drugs. Addicts lose all sense of shame when it comes to trying to get money to support their drug or alcohol habits. And they look upon people they use with disrespect, like you're an easy touch and she's more clever than you to get you to part with your hard earned money so she can have it easy and get free money. Next time she approaches you, tell her you're sorry, but you have no money to lend, and have ready the number of some local govt. services (food stamps? the dole?) that she can call if she needs money. and don't be surprised if you never see the money you loaned her back again. Mooches rarely repay their loans, and if they do, they'll just be back in a bit asking for even larger sums of money. And don't let her in your house unsupervised... she may steal anything she can pocket when you're not looking. Honestly, someone who hits you up for money multiple times when you don't even really know them can't be trusted. Link to comment
lavenderdove Posted February 25, 2011 Share Posted February 25, 2011 btw, if she bad mouths you, just reply that you just met her, and she's already hit you up for money twice. any decent person would understand why you're not continuing to give her money, and she most likely is hitting others up for money as well and they are probably equally uncomfortable with it, so don't worry about that. Link to comment
MissSMcc Posted February 25, 2011 Author Share Posted February 25, 2011 im learning im way too naive and trusting of peoples intentions. when she first asked my first thought was 'oh thats such a shame she must be really struggling if she has to ask a stranger', then i found out about her dad and the fact that her kids dont live with her (she sees them every day but its not like she has to pay bills for them). ugh, feel like a total idiot. i dont want to get all cynical, believing everyone is bad, but i do need to stop letting myself be taken in by peoples sob stories. its just not in my nature to say no, but i better start making it my nature or i'll ony have myself to blame. when my next door neighbour moved in last year i said the same thing to her (if you need anything etc..) she borrowed my grass strimmer, since then she has babysat my daughter for me a couple of times, and we get on really well. with this one its like 'hi im ----- can i empty your purse?' not good. Link to comment
Tanzi Posted February 25, 2011 Share Posted February 25, 2011 i just hope she can take it decently and not start bad mouthing me for it. I can't imagine that she has the audacity to bad mouth you because you didn't lend her your money and if she has I would think that anyone that cares to listen to her would agree with you. Besides she probably doesn't want people knowing she has asked you for money ... just in case she ever needs to ask them, or maybe even has before. There's also a good chance that she might be a drug addict using your money for drugs. Addicts lose all sense of shame when it comes to trying to get money to support their drug or alcohol habits. Honestly, someone who hits you up for money multiple times when you don't even really know them can't be trusted. My thoughts exactly!! Link to comment
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