Kjv1611ad Posted February 22, 2011 Share Posted February 22, 2011 Meeting him next week. We took a planned break, he said he doesn't know if we can "be together" because of all the fighting, before it was to decide what he wanted from me, now it's this. I'm nervous. Not sure how to act. I can't read him anymore. I need to be prepared for the worst and handle appropriately. Already done "some" groveling, but I've also stood my ground saying he needs to think long and hard because I won't wait forever for a decision. So how do I handle meeting up? I'm afraid he won't being anything up unless I do but I don't want to push him. And if it doesn't go the way I want I need a solid exit to save as much of my self esteem as I can. If I'm not prepared I'm going to be too be too emotional. Tips? Link to comment
DN Posted February 22, 2011 Share Posted February 22, 2011 I skimmed your previous threads - both of you need to decide what it is that you want from each other, can you each provide it or negotiate a compromise. That means both of you making lists and comparing. And while you do this you need to keep the emotions in check. Link to comment
Kjv1611ad Posted February 22, 2011 Author Share Posted February 22, 2011 I know it's just so hard! Link to comment
SicFounder Posted February 22, 2011 Share Posted February 22, 2011 If you two cannot fix your relationship... If you expect the worst, then if the worst happens, it won't be that bad. Don't be afraid to push him to the subject, you may not want to get too comfortable talking with him. And if he decides to end it, don't ask anything, don't give him a chance to hurt you more. Especially since he's already given you some reasons, like the fighting. You could say that you understand why he made his decision, then calmly get up/walk away and go home or somewhere that you feel comfortable. Link to comment
DN Posted February 22, 2011 Share Posted February 22, 2011 I know it's just so hard!Well, so it is. But that doesn't mean impossible. Link to comment
Kjv1611ad Posted February 22, 2011 Author Share Posted February 22, 2011 So I should just right into it and get up and leave if it's not good. Ya. You're right. I picture myself in my head doing it, I'd feel good doing it, it's the strength to do it! Link to comment
DN Posted February 22, 2011 Share Posted February 22, 2011 If you go in with that mindset you are setting yourself up for failure. Link to comment
lavenderdove Posted February 22, 2011 Share Posted February 22, 2011 >>made his own plans and I could "come along" if I wanted to see him, he never initiated phone calls, he hasn't asked me to dinner in over a month, I read your other thread above, and it sounds like he has been pulling away for a long time... sometimes people who feel they don't want the relationship anymore, or don't want to get serious anytime soon, will do these kinds of things, being half in and half out of the relationship. If he wants the relationship but doesn't want too many demands or to get serious, they do these kind of things to 'pace' things and slow it down. Most people know that after a couple years, it is expected they either get serious/get engaged or break up, and if he doesn't like either alternative, he'll do these kind of 'slow down' things. Or he could have decided he doesn't want to make this permanent, but he doesn't have anyone new yet, and doesn't want to give up the 'optional' sex and companiionship until he has someone else firmly on the hook. But the bottom line is this kind of foot dragging never made for a good relationship, and is just making you anxious and stimulating fights. So you need to very clearly lay out what you need from the relationship (think about it first and write it down). For example, you might want to see him 4 days a week, go out to dinner every week, have a text and call from him every day you don't see him, make weekend plans in advance rather than last minute etc. Then rather than engaging a 'you are bad because you don't give me what i want' tone, instead say, 'these are the things i need to feel secure and not fight with you because i am lonely and worried and exasperated. can we start doing this?' if he says no outright, then you know he doesn't really want a close relationship as you do. You then try to negotiate with him on some of the points, like, let's go to dinner every couple weeks, but i really need to make advance plans for at least one day every weekend. Then if he agrees and actually sticks to it, you're fine. If he agrees but then lapses back into his prior mode, then you know he just isn't that into the relationship and you need to find someone you can be serious with. No relationship can survive constant fights and friction, so you need to find something that will break that logjam, and negotiation is the way to go. But if you discover that no matter what you do or he agrees to, he won't give you the things you need to feel good about the relationship, then the ultimate answer is he may not be the guy for you because he wants different things or doesn't want to be serious or really compromise in a relationship, just to do whatever he pleases based on a whim. Link to comment
lavenderdove Posted February 22, 2011 Share Posted February 22, 2011 btw, just raining negative emotions and tears and anger in arguments never makes a relationship better and in fact shuts the other person down. Nor does telling someone how they SHOULD behave. What brings about positive changes are positive negotiations. So you need to go into this like you're going into a job interview negotiation, where you are talking to him to see whether this is good for you or not, and whether both of you are willing to meet halfway and whether you right for each other or are so far apart in expectations and actions that it just won't work. You don't go into a job interview and FIGHT with the person, you negotiate and keep it as positive as possible. You need to approach relationships the same way, rather than thinking it is your right (or need) to fight and get emotional and constantly talk about your feelings. Your feelings are part of it, but the real problem is whether his actions and the way he treats you is what works, and whether he is willing to negotiate and change his behavior in ways that you can live with. I've gone into both jobs and relationships thinking i really wanted the job/relationship, only to discover after talking and negotiations that what the person was willing to offer just wasn't what i needed or what was right for me, rather than going in with expecation they OWE it to me or i'd die if i didn't get the job or relationship. You'll be fine if you recognize that no matter how attractive some opportunies (or men) are to you, if they're not offering what you need, you need to just say thanks, but no thanks, not interested and walk away. That needs to be the mode you're in here, where you go in with a list of concrete things that you feel need to happen, and he tells you what he needs, then you negotiate. If you can't come to a happy medium on what you each need, then you just say, oh well, guess we want different things out of this, best of luck! That will help keep the drama to a minimum, and logic rather than emotion needs to be followed when you are making these kinds of decisions. It's like a job that sounds just wonderful, but then they tell you, oh, by the way, you have to work 90 hours a week or you will only get $5 an hour. You can cry or fight, but it won't change certain realities and the bottom line. Relationships are the same, where you have to look at the total picture, try to negotiate what you want, and if they refuse to offer it, don't expect emotional fights to fix anything because they wont. Just recognize that you can't come to an agreement that works for both of you, so you need to move on. Link to comment
Kjv1611ad Posted February 22, 2011 Author Share Posted February 22, 2011 This is so sad to read. But true. Link to comment
Kjv1611ad Posted February 22, 2011 Author Share Posted February 22, 2011 Is it stupid to feel dumb for actually bringing a literal piece of paper? That scares me. Like it will freak him out. But how am I supposed to remember everything in the heat of the moment? Link to comment
whatatodo Posted February 22, 2011 Share Posted February 22, 2011 As I PM'd you I think it would be more effective and beneficial to you if you called off the meeting............. not only is it a good thing as emotions are still running high for you, plus you've not had enough of a break to be able to look at it objectively, but I also think it might make him think 'hang on a sec, why's she cancelling' - My advice is to contact him, tell him 'something' has come up you can't get out of and then just give yourself and him more time. Any one else agree? Link to comment
DN Posted February 22, 2011 Share Posted February 22, 2011 Is it stupid to feel dumb for actually bringing a literal piece of paper? That scares me. Like it will freak him out. But how am I supposed to remember everything in the heat of the moment?I think you should use the meeting to establish whether either or both of you wants to fix things. If you can agree to that then set up another meeting to discuss particular issues - where written lists are required. Remember that these meetings are not supposed to be confrontations or aggressive recriminations about past behaviour - they are about putting the relationship on a new footing so both of you can be happy. That means addressing behaviours with a view to positive change - not blaming or accusing. Link to comment
Kjv1611ad Posted February 22, 2011 Author Share Posted February 22, 2011 I just need to mentally prepare for the chance he is going to say no. Now THATS got me freaked out. Link to comment
Kjv1611ad Posted February 22, 2011 Author Share Posted February 22, 2011 I wouldnt think he would just string me along for two weeks if he had no intention of fixing things, and had to tell me in person? I just have a bad feeling about this... Link to comment
Kjv1611ad Posted February 28, 2011 Author Share Posted February 28, 2011 Ok so I confirmed today, we are still meeting Tuesday. I'm nervous and freaking out a little. Would he meet me just to tell me he has no intention to work on things? I will be crushed. So do I just let the conversation flow naturally and wait for him to say something? I can't sleep.... Link to comment
Kjv1611ad Posted February 28, 2011 Author Share Posted February 28, 2011 Any last thoughts? I go tomorrow to meet him. Won't be able to get on here tomorrow, I'm nervous....any one have anything to say to my comment above? What should I expect from this?? Link to comment
liverpoolboy Posted February 28, 2011 Share Posted February 28, 2011 I know it's just so hard! Nothing worth having in life comes easy Be strong stick by your believes Link to comment
liverpoolboy Posted February 28, 2011 Share Posted February 28, 2011 You should just be honest, tell him what you want from the relationship Try to enjoy the meeting, Im sure he wants spmethin and he cares if you are meeting up Just stick by your believes dont come accross to eager and see how its goes thats what i would do Link to comment
Kjv1611ad Posted March 1, 2011 Author Share Posted March 1, 2011 Today is the big day I wish I wasn't so nervous. Trying my best to force myself to not think about it so much. I'm just so worried this is not going to go well. I just need to know when to walk away if that happens. Any last words of advice?? Link to comment
Kjv1611ad Posted March 3, 2011 Author Share Posted March 3, 2011 UPDATE: Two weeks was not enough. We met last night, small talk, got around to the big question, he started talking, what he said made me mad, we started to argue, I said we didn't have enough time apart, and left. Called him today to get clarification about Last night. I told him the things I was going to change. He said he was 50/50 and exhausted from fighting still. He said he loves me more than Anything but he hasn't had enough time to clear his head. I almost Didn't agree to this, but I did agree to one month break, not seeing otheR people. Told him he could call before if he's ready. Was this a mistake? Should I of said good bye? Link to comment
Kjv1611ad Posted March 3, 2011 Author Share Posted March 3, 2011 Update again: he clarified he for sure wants to work it out after this, he just feels he needs more time to clear his head so we quit fighting and take care of some personal stuff in his life. I'll give him the space! This is good I think! Link to comment
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