How can I make this work?

[Zipp]

My ex-boyfriend & I broke up 3 weeks ago. We live together and for financial, geographic and of course emotional reasons want to try to continue to live together. We still love each other very much, but he isn't ready for the type of commitment I am looking for. He wants the fun but not the responsibility of a relationship. Sometimes it's hard being home at the same time because we tend to gravitate toward one another. Then there's the dating issue. We have all of these new rules, but of course sometimes it gets complicated . We agreed we wouldn't bring dates home & we'd keep those calls to cell phones, but of course there's some jealousy on both our parts. We spend some time together, but not a lot. We are trying to give each other space ](*,) . We are in different bedrooms but still sleep in the same bed sometimes, it' hard to change old habits. He is my best friend & has been for the past 2 years. I feel like taking a step back helped us, in some ways. He doesn't share his feelings easily but he has opened up to me so much that I can't believe this is the same person. I eventually want us to get back together, but don't want to rush anything. We are no longer together but don't want to lose each other completely. Any advice would be great.

[Celadon]

This is a very complicated situation you're in, and one I would not advise. It sounds like nothing but pain is coming. I don't mean to be a downer; it's just what occurred to me when I read your post. Sorry.

 

Once two people have been close, it's hard to separate -- that's why so many people advocate the No Contact rule. But that's impossible when you're still living together and sleeping together.

 

Does your ex think you're the one for him, or does he just not know? You seem to want to hang out until he's ready, but there are no guarantees he'll pick you when he is -- that's just a dose of reality. If you're willing to wait, that's your decision. I hope you keep an open mind about meeting someone new who is wonderful and responsible.

 

These "fun" guys tend to be a bit self-absorbed, IMHO.

 

I guess I don't really have solid advice for you, just to be careful and not stay in the living situation because it's comfortable. My ex also started opening up to me after we broke up, but now he's with someone else, so I wouldn't say that having an ex confide in you is necessarily an indication he's going to want you later. Again, don't mean to be a downer, just talking from my own experience. I do hope it works out as you want it though.

[heartsick]

Zipp -

 

Read your post and as I've been telling anyone who I can tell is still in a situation to save things (which I don't feel I am anymore)....you have a golden opportunity to possibly restore your relationship; BUT, you have to find a way to separate and let your guy go into his own emptiness. Don't be afraid that if you are "out of sight" you will be "out of mind." That is the mistake that I made, and I know - in my heart of heart - that if I had had this type of advice just 4 weeks ago before our big breakout, I could have seized the control (not that it's a power game) and had him really feel what life would be like w/o me. If you are fortunate enough to have any friends or family in the area w/ whom you could stay with for a month or so, you should really do that. Leave him "with love" saying, "Look, as you know, I'm really wanting and ready for a more serious commitment. I can understand if that's not something that you feel you can do....right now...or maybe even ever. But, I feel that after 2 years, we have enough of a history to be make the decision to go to the next level. If there are specific reasons or things you'd like us to change to help you get there, I want to know them and work through them. But, if there's nothing specific and you just generally feel as though you can't do that at this time, I respect your decision. I have just as much right to be in a seriously committed, exclusive relationship as you have to NOT be in that same type of relationship...but we both need to acknowledge that we each want different things at this point."

 

That's the speech you need to give....as hard as it may seem. Then,k you have to find a way out, clean out your stuff (even though it may seem weird to do so), and institute NC for a while.

 

If he loves you, he will absolutely call and want to talk through things and plan your future. If he doesn't, then it's best that you find out now. There's really nothing you can do to change his mind by sticking around. The only thing you can do, ironically, is to leave. But, again, leave with love....not in a threatening, jealousy-producing way.

 

I highly recommend the book "Make Up, Don't Break Up" (available on paperback). It will give you all the "instructions" you need to make this critical step in your relationship.

 

Good luck, and definitely keep us "posted."

[heartsick]

Zipp -

 

Read your post and as I've been telling anyone who I can tell is still in a situation to save things (which I don't feel I am anymore)....you have a golden opportunity to possibly restore your relationship; BUT, you have to find a way to separate and let your guy go into his own emptiness. Don't be afraid that if you are "out of sight" you will be "out of mind." That is the mistake that I made, and I know - in my heart of heart - that if I had had this type of advice just 4 weeks ago before our big breakout, I could have seized the control (not that it's a power game) and had him really feel what life would be like w/o me. If you are fortunate enough to have any friends or family in the area w/ whom you could stay with for a month or so, you should really do that. Leave him "with love" saying, "Look, as you know, I'm really wanting and ready for a more serious commitment. I can understand if that's not something that you feel you can do....right now...or maybe even ever. But, I feel that after 2 years, we have enough of a history to be make the decision to go to the next level. If there are specific reasons or things you'd like us to change to help you get there, I want to know them and work through them. But, if there's nothing specific and you just generally feel as though you can't do that at this time, I respect your decision. I have just as much right to be in a seriously committed, exclusive relationship as you have to NOT be in that same type of relationship...but we both need to acknowledge that we each want different things at this point."

 

That's the speech you need to give....as hard as it may seem. Then,k you have to find a way out, clean out your stuff (even though it may seem weird to do so), and institute NC for a while.

 

If he loves you, he will absolutely call and want to talk through things and plan your future. If he doesn't, then it's best that you find out now. There's really nothing you can do to change his mind by sticking around. The only thing you can do, ironically, is to leave. But, again, leave with love....not in a threatening, jealousy-producing way.

 

I highly recommend the book "Make Up, Don't Break Up" (available on paperback). It will give you all the "instructions" you need to make this critical step in your relationship.

 

Good luck, and definitely keep us "posted."

[lady00]

I really think that one of you needs to move out. In the long run, living together will be very painful and it will make it impossible for you to move on.