heartsick

Thanks for the ongoing support. The past four days have been quite difficult, although I'm proud to say that I resisted every urge to call or write to him. He's a pretty smart guy in terms of understanding basic "relationship rules"....but it's as though he doesn't take things quite far enough. In some ways, I respect him for not "using" me by trying to be friends with me when he knows he can't give me the commitment to move forward that I want. At the same time, I feel as though he ought to know enough to know that he either a) needs to have a very honest (albeit difficult) closure conversation with me so that I can truly move on; or, b) admit that he's very very confused right now and has absolutely no idea what will happen in the future. It has to be one of those 2 choices....and, I wonder, "Am I the only one smart enough here to see right through him and know that he's continuing, in a sense, to keep all options open....even though he's disguising his self-imposed NC as doing the right thing by me?" If he wants NC....truly. And wants us both to move on with our lives separately....then, don't be contacting my family, sending them pictures, vacationing with my friends, and talking with me a parties as though everything is perfectly fine between us. Thanx esp. to muneca (sp?) and Scout (my lifesaver) for continued postings and responses. For the record, there was NEVER any restraining order. He simply threatened one....which was ridiculous since he would have had absolutely no grounds for it.

Hi folks... OK....so, many of you know the details. 14 Year Friendship. 1.5 Relationship. Near-engagement. Break-up on same day he lost his job. Refused to speak to me AT ALL for 7 weeks despite going on vacation with best friends and keeping contact with my brother and sister-in-law. I wrote last week wondering if I should send him a birthday card. Despite some advice from friends on this forum, I ended up sending one anyway....nothing about the relationship. The same type of card I would have sent him while we were best friends all those years. His birthday was last Tues. I sent the card on Thurs. On Saturday, I was going to see him at the "Going Away" party of the couple with whom he went on vacation (they are leaving the U.S. for Europe). So....on Friday. He called me. 7 weeks of NC.....last time he saw me, he angrily said he "was afraid of me" and would get a restraining order put against me if I ever showed up at his house (I showed up at his house ONCE....3 days after the break-up. I lived there with him for a year, and all of my clothes and belongings were still there). So, he called me and left no message. I didn't pick up. He called again, late at night on Friday....his voicemail was as chipper as could be. Absolutely no acknowledgement of anything that has happened. No mention of our break-up, etc. But it was filled with emotion of thanking me for the card, saying things like, "I felt very very good reading it......You have such an incredible way with words, as always." I felt very very special. Thank you. " He mentioned that he'd be at the party and "hope I'll see you there." He also said, "I'll be home all day tomorrow if you want to give me a call, otherwise, I'll just see you there." "Thank you, again." "I hope you're doing well." So....that was the message. I didn't call him that night. Or the next day. I went to the party. As soon as I arrived, he was already there. He came right over to me, kissed me, and asked if I had gotten his message. He then (literally) followed me as I tried to just blend into the party. For the next 45 minutes, I did my best to be a bit stand-offish and aloof (although not rude at all...just not making him the priority). He persisted...finding points of connection. Making references to shared and loved common experiences. Within an hour, it was as though we were bonded again....all laughs and smiles and warmth between us. Finally, I started relaxing a bit....feeling comfortable. As that happened, he announced he had to go (he had brought his father with him and his dad wanted to go). I approached him (OH GOD...I THINK THIS WAS THE MISTAKE) and said, "Hey, if you want, I can drive you home." He said, no...that his father couldn't drive his card. I asked him if he was finally ready to grab a beer some time, go out, etc. He said, "Sure, absolutely." He joked, "Maybe we need to invite (our couples' therapist)." Then, as he was leaving, I caught up with him as he was walking out the door and said, "Call me. Honestly...just call. It's the right thing to do." He kissed me 2x on the cheek, and I guess he could tell what I was feeling because he literally said, "No, not on the lips." (The arrogance of him !) And that was it. He walked out the door. The next day, I was housesitting at my brothers and picked up their mail (they are away for a funeral). in the mail was an envelope from him with a number of pictures inside of our family (with him) at Easter and on vacation in Jamaica in April. The note said, "Hey Guys....Thought I'd pass along these fun pictures that I just got developed. Hope you're well. Sorry to hear about (my sister-in-law's) grandmother [NOTE: my sister in law's g-mom just passed away). You are in my thoughts. Take Care." So.....that's my update. I feel sick in my stomach. Seeing him just confirmed all of the connection that we have between us. It feels like ABSOLUTE INSANITY that he is running away from this relationship. Literally, INSANITY. And, worse yet, he is still refusing to have an honest, open conversation. From his behavior, it's as though he is feeling absolutely comfortable that "everything is cool" between us....when, of course, nothing is cool and every single moment of my life for 8 weeks has been painful. Worse yet, what the heck is he thinking sending notes and pictures to my brother and sister-in-law (I also think he called them once right before he left). It just seems so wrong. I'm glad he's "staying connected" but don't know if he's doing this b/c he really doesn't want to let go and is continuing to try to figure out his feelings as he looks for a job, etc. OR if he's simply trying to alleviate his guilt. If he really, really wants to move on and wants me to move on, I feel as though he should have the guts to have an open, honest conversation with me that will give me some sense of closure....then, shut the book entirely and realize that he is choosing to banish me from his life. I suspect that this isn't something he really wants to do.....the birthday card alone seemed to remind him how much I know him and can make him feel more special than anyone. But......again, as soon as he felt me close to him at the party and we "connected" again, he went running out the door (Needless to say, he has yet to call me since then). Any thoughts anyone ? I honestly don't know how I can move on.

I thought it would be interesting and fun to get some thoughts going (both from those who have done the "dumping" and regretted it....as well as those who were dumped and later found their ex's regretted the decision (regardless of whether or not they still wanted them)).....about why EX's always seem to only come back ONCE they know/believe that we have moved on from them. This idea is largely popularized in most movies about singles (Think Swingers...."That's when she'll call..."; High Fidelity, etc.) but seems to often actually play out in real life. As one who is desperately trying to move on with my life ....and yet secretly waiting that my ex(who broke up our 14 year friendship and 2 year pre-engagement love on the very same day that he lost his job) may one day turn around and realize that he tossed the best thing and best friend that he ever had out the door...and it was all his choosing. I know he sees me as a very strong person, has great respect and love for me, and is adamantly adhering to NC because HE cannot bear to be around me and doesn't want to experience the rollercoaster of emotions he'd have. When we first got together, he often said that he thought it was a bit of male competition that finally drove him to it. He said that the whole time we were friends, he knew I wanted more and he could probably always have it if he wanted it. Once he realized I was serious abt. getting into a relationship that could lead to marriage, he decided to make it a go. Now, I'm hopeful that his loss of job and the frustration that grew up around that in our relationship led to a place where we had to break the cycle....and he realized that better than me. Rather than "keep me on a string," i want to believe he's trying to do the right thing and think "i can't keep her waiting when I'm not in a place to give her what i want." Still.....is it possible that at the moment that he really sees me moving on (and he feels better about his future and what he'll next do), the "competition" and feelings of love/regret will come back. is this what makes the Ex's so often change their minds. Really....there are plenty of people on this board who have had the experience of dumping or being dumped and finding that the Ex later comes back (either b/c they want a new relationship or at least the friendship). At one point do they do this....and why ? Quite frankly, if he ever breaks NC with me and wants to sit down and talk...i'll be extremely pleasant and light and say yes, but at some point, I will ask him (in an open and non-threatening way)...."help me to understand what has changed for you....after 7-9-12 weeks (however long it is), what is different now?" I'm looking forward to hearing some perspectives.

Thanx for the advice folks....i would really appreciate hearing any other feedback and perspective, as I'm really unsure what to do. In many respects, I feel as though he's being RIDICULOUSLY unfair here....I'm left with absolutely no idea and no way (because he never granted me EVEN A SINGLE CONVERSATION) to know whether this break-up is really all about his job, his own uncertainties, and fears of commitment....or, the fact that (despite his VERY STRONG assurances of his love and earnest pursuit of me) he never really loved me at all and was being unbelievably and unforgivably reckless and careless with his emotions and feelings. I want him to know I love him and want him back in my life....but I also don't want him to think that I believe that his behavior is appropriate or permissable. He's entitled to make whatever choices he needs to make....but I feel as though he has run away from all of this - rather cowardly - and is continuing to not "face the music" at all. After 14 years of being best friends with another human being, I believe that you have to - in a sense- "earn the right" to walk away and leave the relationship....so that you can look yourself in the mirror and honestly say, "you know what, I did everything I could to save this relationship." I don't believe he did that ...not one bit. In the end, he says that neither of us are to blame, tells everyone that knows us both that he "loved me deeply" and "I am the most incredible girl" ....but told me (and continues to reinforce by his absense and "moving on") that he believes we have no future because "i was so upset when he distanced that he found it to be irreparable damage...that there must be something "really wrong" with me (i.e., I'm the crazy one). I've been willing to even accept this....have told him that I'm going to therapy to get a better understanding of any fears of abandonment, etc. that I may have, etc. and that I want to work through things as a loving couple. No dice......I just don't understand. Anyway, any more thoughts on the card would be really helpful.....

Hi guys.... Most of you may know me and my story by now. (Standard Re-cap: 12 Yrs. Best Friends (When Harry Met Sally)...constantly supporting one another, closest soulmates, always underlying attraction; always saying "i love you" and treating one another like family...1.5 years ago, he made the move to take it to the romantic level....heaven for 12 months...distancing occurred as he had doubts about his future, etc.....horribly painful last 3 months filled with lots of "come here, go away"...a final break-up on the EXACT SAME DAY that he finally lost his job...and since then....he has refused to speak to me.... Has talked to my family, took a vacation w/ my best friends, told everyone he'd "like to be friends with me some day"...but that "it's just TOO DIFFICULT FOR HIM right now (then why is he choosing this?)....during initial begging, crying, asking "why", he was angry and said "you have to respect what i want, go take care of yourself, i have to take care of me and we can't take care of one another....it's too painful" (I know now...all the right stuff). Anyway, last week, he "reappeared" at our mutual tennis club (I posted that occurrence). It was terribly awkward. I played it very cool, casual...as did he. No talk of the relationship or anything that happened....it only last 5 minutes. But it was RIDICULOUS in its absurdity and total lack of honesty. It's not like we're teens...he's 38. I'm 31. We've been the closest of friends, priding ourselves on our communication for 12 years. To see one another, and have all of this tension between us is SO dishonest and counter to anything. Still, he made it plain as day that "I need to respect his wishes...that he will talk to me when he's ready to be friends" (Isn't the one who's being dumped supposed to give that line....not the one who's choosing to do the breaking up???). Anyway, tomorrow is his 39th birthday. I've been with him and his family every year for his birthday for 12 years. I decided I will not call...he has said he'd call me when he's ready, and has yet to do so. The big question.....Do I at least send him a card ? One that acknowledges how much I know him, but is no different than the ones I would have sent as a friend during the long friendship? Please give thoughts and feedback as I don't want him to feel "pressured" by my sending him a card but also want to continue to send messages in a positive, non-suffocating way that his decision to end the best friendship he's had for most of his adult life is his choice....that I am here and interested in re-building trust and platonic love and support whenever he is ready. PS - As far as I know, he still has no idea what he will do for his job.

Thanx RayKay for your insightful words and kind counsel. You helped to validate my reaction to him....but today has really been a rough day. All day, I kept thinking of him....and how, when I stood in front of him (esp. holding this little boy) all I could think of was our 12 years together, our incredible bond, and the fact that we used to talk (openly and without hesitation) of what our own children would be like, how we would care for them, who would take what responsibilities, what it would be like when "mommy" or "daddy" came home from work. So, all day long, I thought of these memories....and it just seemed as though he saw me as no different from any other girl in the room. How in the world could he possibly talk of such things (knowing me for 12 years....knowing how seriously i would take his words) for 12 months, then withdraw, and end the relationship abruptly WITH NO CONVERSATION and then show up and act as though nothing had happened. Am I the nutty one here or is this completely irrational behavior. Truly, I desparately need advice !

Hi folks - The quick update. I'm the 31 yr old who was best friends with a guy for 12 years....dated for 1/5 years...looked for rings, openly talked of marriage with friends and family....he found out he'd be losing his job....started distancing...I clung...he withdrew...tried therapy for 4 sessions...(he's been in therapy for 11 years combatting intimacy/commitment issues which I helped him out with a lot as his best friend)....on the day he finally lost his job, he broke up with me (harshly in that he he said that while no one was to blame it really was that he "tried" to make it work but "my behavior/sadness as he was withdrawing proved that the strong, independent woman he knew for 12 years as a friend was "not real" and that that I had major "boundary issues, etc." (which, I admit, in my panic/shock/sadness, I wasn't as strong as I normally am....but I'm a senior exec in a major co. with a history of strong, stable relationships with everyone in my life, etc.). Anyway, he broke it off.....refused any contact with me. I e-mailed him/tried to call him, went to his house 2x during the first 3 weeks....all of which just "scared him more," etc. I know, classic mistakes. That's all the background (which many of you know). Anyway, I started NC 3.5 weeks ago. He went on a (previously planned) vacation w/ a couple that was originally friends with me and just got back. We work out at the same tennis club. He hadn't been around at all for these past 7 weeks. Yesterday, he shows up ! Quite unexpectantly. I turned the corner, and there he was. Given that the last time he saw me, he literally said that he would "put a restraining order against me" if I tried to contact him again (by the way, I NEVER yelled, threatened, abused, etc....all I ever did in front of him was ask "why" (usually, without even many tears)...anyway, given that, I turned around and walked in the other direction. Not, in a huffy way...just in a "hey, i know you don't want me bothering you/talking to you again" (which, again, feels crazy given that i was best friends with this person for 12 years, planned on sharing our life together, and have NEVER ONCE processed the breakup). So, I left the room. I left the club b/c i had to babysit a friend's child....and expected that there was no way he would "hang" in the club later. Three hours later (I had left, picked up the 1 1/2-year old kid, and come back (with the kid, because the parents were going to meet me there later), I was in the club room, and BANG ...there he is again. Unbelievable. My ex is a commitment-phobe (although he says he wants marriage, a family, etc. more than anything)....and the first time he sees me, I'm carrying a 2 year old. So, I walk in....he sees me and his first words (jokingly, with a smile, are "Is he your's?" I joke back, "Yes...it didn't take me long, did it ?" We laughed. He said, "seriously, who is he?" I said "It's Ben" (he's seen this kid plenty of times before when he was just an infant..." I explained that i was waiting for the parents. We made very idle chit-chat. He was interactive with the kid, slapping him "five", playing w/ a tennis ball with him, etc. At one point, he said "He looks identical to how i looked at that age" (I agree with that assessment). After abt. 7-8 minutes, I started talking to other people in the club room, all of whom wanted to know who the little fella' was and play with him, etc. Eventually, "Ben" was getting tired of being around people, so I just took him to a different area of the club, where eventually i met up with the parents and went home with them. I didn't go back in to say good-bye to my ex, etc. and had no more contact with him. Overall, I'd have to imagine that he found me to be "pretty happy/content/taking care of myself." I'm also hoping he couldn't help but notice that i've lost about 15 pounds (not that i was heavy before). So.....how did i do ? And, more importantly....why do I feel like such crap ?????? As proud as i am that there was no "scene," I was able to be nice/open/friendly.....I feel really disappointed. Like, "how could he see me and act so nonchalant...as though he doesn't even miss me ????" I knew it wouldn't come, but I was half-hoping that my phone would ring later that night and he'd say, "You know, enough time has passed, let's get together and really talk about what happened, where we went wrong, and how we can begin to re-build (if nothing else, our friendship?) I feel terrible. I desperately want to to call him....but that's the totally wrong thing to do at this point, isn't it ? Do you think that the fact that he "reappeared" at the club is a good thing....the fact that he didn't hide away from a place that he knew he would likely see me ? I DESPERATELY need some coaching and moral support !

Zipp et al - Boy, I'm so grateful for the wise words, comfort, and open sharing of strangers. Literally, every time I post on this site or receive a response back....it goes such a long way to steal me through the next day or so. I really hope that people don't mind my reaching out like this, but I have it so comforting...and inspiring to gain the strength I need to do as you suggested.....simply get through the motions. I really am in such a state of flux.....I think especially because the friendship was so long, the relationship so steady and heading towards our future together....and then the BREAK....so unbelievably abrupt and definitive. I will give him credit for not playing games with me and being selfish by keeping me close to him when he knows he can't offer what I want.....but I'm so very angry and disappointed and sad that he's justifying is running by saying that none of it was real, that maybe he lied to himself, lied to me. He always said he spent 20 years (he never married and he's close to 40) dating people that he knew were wrong for him because he was afraid of intimacy....and that, all along, he was really holding out for me because I was the one person who could offer it all. Now, it seems like the same fear of intimacy is making him run away......and he's simply saying, "Well, you know what, maybe I chose wrong again." But, I don't think you choose wrong with the person that was your best friend for 12 years....I don't think he over-glorified or over-estimated me in any way. He fell in love with me, and I'm the only woman he ever planned on marrying....then, when it got scary and tough and uncertain.....he's gone and run away, denying our whole existence. Thank you all for the advice and counsel. I'll keep you posted on any updates or heartache. Zipp and Scout - Hope you don't mind if I have to reconnect or PM you in the future for some support !

To Scout and others - I think I'm actually doing a fairly good job of not thinking about what he is thinking or trying to predict what is going on his head. Right or wrong, I think I know the answer to that (at least for now), so there's little to guess or not. I have no doubt that he is not playing games with me and is truly acting on what he believes is best for him in the moment. I'm following everyone's advice to the letter....excercising every day (I've lost 30 pounds since all of this started !), seeing friends, concentrating on work, going out here and there, seeing a therapist on a weekly basis.....but quite honestly.....it all makes me feel worse !!!! I come home after a night out with my friends....a night when I have great conversations with interesting people, get asked out by attractive men, am told by long-time friends that I've never looked better or seemed more on top of my game....and I'm literally shattered inside at the end of those experiences. I cry all night long. It's as though I think, "Great....I can make the rest of the world feel good and happy and strong and like a million bucks when they are with me.....and all I feel is alone and empty and rejected because the one person who swore for 12 years that he loved me deeply and intensely and would never leave my side seemed to "flip" on a single night, has dug in, and has not had a single conversation with me since. I read all of the posts on here....so many are about people dealing with the on again, off again; contact, no contact pain that couples go through when they are trying to separate from one another and heal. He's not even tempted to do that. What does that say about how easily he can walk away from this relationship ? Knowing him for 12 years through other relationships, I've watched his pattern with other women. He does what most of the people describe here.....break up, maybe sleep with them once or twice more, continue to remain in phone contact/stay friends. He's still friends (to some degree) with every woman he has EVER dated. Mind you, I don't think he ever talked about engagement with anyone besides me....and his friends and family say that he never loved anyone as intensely as he loved me. How can he walk away so easily ???? All it makes me realize is that - for as much as I don't think my crying and vulnerability were really that out of line or unwarranted - expressing that type of vulnerability must be so wretched and horrid that it erased and evaporated everything that he ever believed about me (or, for that matter, I believed about myself) for 12 years.

Hi... What do you guys think about this....I've been posting a lot over the past weeks and will continue to do so until there's some change in my status (either I have direct contact with my ex...or, I start feeling better). I'm the one who was in a 12-year "best friends" (When Harry Met Sally) with my boyfriend (38). I'm 31. 1.5 years ago, he approached me and said he had "been waiting all those years until he knew he could give me what I wanted and deserved." Fairytalke 1.2 years, definitive talk of marriage, close relationships with family and friends, etc. Ove past 4 months, lots of tension as he had health issues and looming threat of job/career loss and would not open up or be vulnerable with me...and eventually could make no plans for the future (not marriage, not looking for a house, eventually not planning vacations...in the end, barely committing to spending time together. He broke up with me extremely abruptly within the same 24 hours that he lost his job. He instituted No Contact immediately, and we have not had a single conversation since it all happened on June 24. He is currently on vacation with my 2 best friends and their children (see previous post to get that explanation !)....and he has been in contact with my family (to check on me and deliver things he moved out of his house). Now, it turns out, he is alluding to the fact that "Yes, all along, he knew that eventually we would need to have conversations, etc." but he wanted to wait until we were both in a better state. Apparently, he has told my brother and sister-in-law to let him know when they think I am in a strong place so that we can go together and talk to our old couples counselor (He's a fan of therapy and when we were having problems, I suggested we go to therapy...we only went 5 times....and it was clear that I was there to work on the relationship and he was more or less using it as an excuse to leave...although he claims he was "doing everything he could." ) Anyway....I really don't know I feel about the idea of 1st seeing him in front of our therapist....who, by the way, I dont' think was very good and, I believe, was a big factor in our eventual breakup. She focused on trying to "resolve the differences" rather than first taking us to the place of what brought us together (something that I've since learned is critical for relationship counseling). Plus, seeing one another and immediately going to the place of talking about water under the bridge and the problems we had that led to the breakup (when it's not like he wants to reconcile) seems to go against everything that people say relating to "attracting your ex back." I've been working out like a fiend (lost 30 pounds, am generally feeling confident, etc.) What good could it possibly do to "return to the scene of the crime" and - the first time I see him - have it be nothing but tears, etc. Plus....why in the hell would he want to see our couples therapist when he's the one who has made it very clear that we are "no longer a couple." I know his answer would be that it's because he eventually "wants to be friends" and he feels that the only "safe environment" from which to launch that or gain any clarity over his decision is in the confines of a professional's office. It hasn't happened yet (the request) but I'm desperately seeking some proactive coaching on this one !

Hi guys - I'm going to continue to use this forum for as long as it takes...hoping that, one day, there will be some change in my situation Either a) I start feeling better; or, b) I hear something from my ex. Many of you may be following my story by now....bare bone details.....12 years as best friends, 1.5 years as lovers, public plans for marriage, looking for rings, etc., tension over 2 months as threat of him losing his job and health issues loomed; break-up on June 24 (abruptly !) in an outburst after I tried "forcing" a conversation about his distancing in lieu of all the things happening; he also lost his job that very same day (he had a high profile job as VP for a large financial services firm and now is re-thinking his entire career as he is not happy in finance and would rather be teaching, etc.) In the 1st 2 weeks I tried calling him, e-mailing him, etc. as I was COMPLETELY in a state of shock. I went to his house once, and he literally would not let me in the door and told me that we both had to heal, etc. (Of course, I know now he was right). Since then, I put NC in place...so, I'm coming up on 3 weeks now. He's currently on vacation with my 2 best friends (who are married) (it was a planned trip to his family's cabin in the woods and they still wanted to go...I gave my blessing). He's been in contact with my family ...first, to drop off my things from his house once or twice. Then, before he left for the vacation, to simply "check in on me" and see how I was doing. He has said consistently that he "wants to be friends with me in the future" given that he has "never cared for me as much as I've cared about anyone" and I have been the "most important person in his life for 12 years." Still, he has said to me (albeit always through anger) that he believes "irreparable damage has been done" given "how upset you became and how much you (I) cried," that he "doesn't think he can forget how I clung to the relationship in an unhealthy way as he needed his space," and "can't see himself feeling any different in the future." So....now, I'm wondering....a) Does NC really work ? Eventually, is he going to want to contact me ? And b) is it possible that people simply say things when they are upset or feeling threatened/suffocated that they later take back ? I, truly, can't understand this type of behavior as i don't think i would say anything - even in the heat of the moment - that i thought i would later have to take back. Can anyone, anyone at all, give me words of advice, wisdom, or experience ?

For those who don't know the story (I posted the whole saga about 7-10 days ago)...the Cliff's Notes Version is.....I was literally best friends (Think When Harry Met Sally) with a guy for 11 years. We were "soul mates" and helped one another through all of life's up and downs including deaths, new jobs, relationships, etc....hung out all the time, etc. When we both were not in a relationship for the first time, we started dating....had a fairytale romance for 1.5 years. (After the 1st 2 months we started talking about our wedding plans since, literally, it was as though we were "courting" for 11 years). Things were going great...then, in Feb. of this year, he had some health issues and found out he'd be losing his job. He withdrew, I pursued, he withdrew more, I got more upset....finally, we broke up on June 24....the same exact day he finally got laid off. He treated me very, very poorly during the breakup....yelling, screaming, telling me that it 'was over' and I should just move on with my life. He instituted No Contact and has not - literally - made a single move to contact me since June 24. Meanwhile......he's vacationing with my 2 best friends this week (a planned vacation that we had all had, but he decided to go through with it)...AND...THIS IS THE KICKER....he's been contacting my brother and sister-in-law....first under the guise of "moving my stuff out" (I had partially been living with him)...but, the past 2 phone calls have simply been to "check in and see how I was doing" Anyone have thoughts on what the heck is up with that ??? He made it perfectly clear that he would see it as a "violation of his boundaries" for me to contact any of his family member or friends....but, he can contact my brother to check in on me ??? Is this a) a way of saving face; b) a way of eliminating his guilt; or, c) a show that he genuinely cares. Regardless, should I see this as just an a-hole move (pardon the french) or a glimmer of hope that he may eventually have second thoughts ? Anyone, anyone ?

Zipp - Read your post and as I've been telling anyone who I can tell is still in a situation to save things (which I don't feel I am anymore)....you have a golden opportunity to possibly restore your relationship; BUT, you have to find a way to separate and let your guy go into his own emptiness. Don't be afraid that if you are "out of sight" you will be "out of mind." That is the mistake that I made, and I know - in my heart of heart - that if I had had this type of advice just 4 weeks ago before our big breakout, I could have seized the control (not that it's a power game) and had him really feel what life would be like w/o me. If you are fortunate enough to have any friends or family in the area w/ whom you could stay with for a month or so, you should really do that. Leave him "with love" saying, "Look, as you know, I'm really wanting and ready for a more serious commitment. I can understand if that's not something that you feel you can do....right now...or maybe even ever. But, I feel that after 2 years, we have enough of a history to be make the decision to go to the next level. If there are specific reasons or things you'd like us to change to help you get there, I want to know them and work through them. But, if there's nothing specific and you just generally feel as though you can't do that at this time, I respect your decision. I have just as much right to be in a seriously committed, exclusive relationship as you have to NOT be in that same type of relationship...but we both need to acknowledge that we each want different things at this point." That's the speech you need to give....as hard as it may seem. Then,k you have to find a way out, clean out your stuff (even though it may seem weird to do so), and institute NC for a while. If he loves you, he will absolutely call and want to talk through things and plan your future. If he doesn't, then it's best that you find out now. There's really nothing you can do to change his mind by sticking around. The only thing you can do, ironically, is to leave. But, again, leave with love....not in a threatening, jealousy-producing way. I highly recommend the book "Make Up, Don't Break Up" (available on paperback). It will give you all the "instructions" you need to make this critical step in your relationship. Good luck, and definitely keep us "posted."

Zipp - Read your post and as I've been telling anyone who I can tell is still in a situation to save things (which I don't feel I am anymore)....you have a golden opportunity to possibly restore your relationship; BUT, you have to find a way to separate and let your guy go into his own emptiness. Don't be afraid that if you are "out of sight" you will be "out of mind." That is the mistake that I made, and I know - in my heart of heart - that if I had had this type of advice just 4 weeks ago before our big breakout, I could have seized the control (not that it's a power game) and had him really feel what life would be like w/o me. If you are fortunate enough to have any friends or family in the area w/ whom you could stay with for a month or so, you should really do that. Leave him "with love" saying, "Look, as you know, I'm really wanting and ready for a more serious commitment. I can understand if that's not something that you feel you can do....right now...or maybe even ever. But, I feel that after 2 years, we have enough of a history to be make the decision to go to the next level. If there are specific reasons or things you'd like us to change to help you get there, I want to know them and work through them. But, if there's nothing specific and you just generally feel as though you can't do that at this time, I respect your decision. I have just as much right to be in a seriously committed, exclusive relationship as you have to NOT be in that same type of relationship...but we both need to acknowledge that we each want different things at this point." That's the speech you need to give....as hard as it may seem. Then,k you have to find a way out, clean out your stuff (even though it may seem weird to do so), and institute NC for a while. If he loves you, he will absolutely call and want to talk through things and plan your future. If he doesn't, then it's best that you find out now. There's really nothing you can do to change his mind by sticking around. The only thing you can do, ironically, is to leave. But, again, leave with love....not in a threatening, jealousy-producing way. I highly recommend the book "Make Up, Don't Break Up" (available on paperback). It will give you all the "instructions" you need to make this critical step in your relationship. Good luck, and definitely keep us "posted."

Tiki - A few thoughts...take them for what they're worth. Clearly, you're a smart, intelligent, sweet young woman with lots and lots of things going for you. I have no doubt that you are "wise beyond your years" so you probably feel as though everything you need to know, you know right now. You don't. I thought that way once too. Actually, at many times in my life. Even now, as I'm going thru tremendous pain. You have to realize that you have no idea what the future holds for you...and at 19, you especially don't know what the future holds for you. At 19, you can't possibly know that this was 'the love of your life.' ...no matter how much you believe it right now. You just don't. You will change tremendously over the next years as a woman. Second...how do you resist calling him ??? How's this for motivation...Calling him will push him away. NOT calling him is the only chance you will have for getting him back (if that is even what you want at the time). Believe it. It's true. Every post on this board will tell you that. What more motivation do you need ? Last....enjoy yourself. Enjoy your friends and new-found freedom (as it seems you are after only 2 weeks). Enjoy college. Try new things. Be open to everyone you meet. Return kindness to them and share your energetic self fully. Good luck...and keep us posted. Two more things - in your next relationship(s), be careful to try to not repeat the same mistakes (making HIM the center of your life, neglecting your family and friends, etc.). It can be easy to do...then, you just feel worse the next time b/c you think, "Why do I keep making the same mistakes.) Since you're in college, I highly recommend taking advantage of on-campus free therapy. There's no stigma around it, and trust me...even if (by the fall) you are feeling much better, it will help you to understand things and prevent you from making the same mistakes again.