I broke up with him....am I just looking for validation?

[Kjv1611ad]

I had had enough. He was treating me bad for months. We talked and talked and nothing changed. Everything was my fault. I felt I was doing everything. Him doing nothing.

 

I broke up with him. Told him he pushed me into a corner. It took days to break up. Over 2 1/2 year relationship. I am 29 he is 33. I yelled, he yelled. We met for dinner, I told hi it was done. Went to get my stuff at his place, spent the night, (Nothig happened) it was late and I had no coat. The next morning I left a note saying "it's so simple to fix, it's up to you I'll always love you".

 

That night I called to tell him something not important at all, but mainly to see if he got me note. He did. He had nothing to say except, why didn't to tell me this before I left this morning. * * * ? We talked for 3 hours on the phone. I told him that it wasn't fair to me to be in a relationship where it turned into something so superficial. I had expressed my needs in the past and he ignored me. He said, what do I have to think about I thought you already made the decision. I said, yes, I did, and I had to, but if he wanted to fix it it was up to him. He asked if he could call I said yes. He asked if we could go to lunch I said it depended. I said it was simple. He said it wasnt simple to fix. (ouch) he said Maybe in a few days we will realize it is simple to fix.

 

So I decided in my own mind to go NC.

 

It's been two days. The longest we have gone without talking is 3.

 

If he texts or calls, what do I do? Ignore?

 

I only want reconciliation. That's it. No friendship. I don't feel it necessary to tell him this now as we aren't talking. What if he texts me with happy v day?

 

I'm so confused. He checked out of our relationship, it seems. A long time ago.

 

Thoughts? Please help.

[velvette]

what is "simple to fix"? what do you expect from him?

[Jd1983]

^ I agree. What is it that needs fixing?

[catfeeder]

You're not telling us what you expect of him, but I can tell you that it's never wise to break up with someone if you don't mean it.

[d24]

If he texts or calls, what do I do? Ignore?

 

I only want reconciliation. That's it. No friendship.

 

Those two sentences are completely at odds with eachother.

Don't play games, tell him how you feel and what you want and see if he makes the effort.

Do not ignore him if he reaches out, that's only shooting yourself in the foot

[Kjv1611ad]

I did mean it. I cant just let him walk all over me and talking to him doesn't do anything. It's been this way the last 6 months. I didn't have any other option? So I walked away. I does suck, I want him to stop acting so selfishly but we talked and talked and it for me nowhere and I was very unhappy.

 

I know you're not to break up if you don't mean it but that wasn't entirely the point of the post. I can't be with him. I want him to understand but I know he's never going to. Am I just wanting validation that I am "right"?

 

Am I hoping for too much? That he will see the error in his ways and at least make an effort to treat me better? He says it's not the easy. I don't know why I think he just said that to be a jerk in my opinion. He hasn't lifted a finger to try to jeep this relationship together in over 6 months.

 

So I don't know??

[jazzykat]

Hi,

 

Your situation sounds a lot like mine..... I left my ex partner as well, after I got sick of similar treatment.

 

Take a look at the web page - I had so many 'ahah' moments when I read through it.. I even bought the book, which I'm slowly working through.

 

Anyway, hope this helps. Look after yourself! -Jaz.

 

link removed

[Kjv1611ad]

Where does this leave me though? I am the dumper but feel like I'm the one who was dumped. I don't think I should go to him to try to work on this anymore. It's up to him?

[jazzykat]

Well all I can really tell you, is that in my situation - I got sick of waiting for him to work it out.... And it dawned on me that he wasn't going to resolve anything. I just got so sick of being unfulfilled, not heard, and frustrated/irritated so I felt I had no choice but

to end it. Yes, I also feel like the dumpee -it feels like he passive aggresively let me do the dumping. Either way, it doesn't matter, as while I still feel really sad and kind of used -that horrible frustrated feeling is subsiding..

 

If he's anything like my ex -he's emotionally still a child, and at times it felt like I was dealing with a child. I just got sick of the lies and empty promises..

[Kjv1611ad]

Have you spoken with him at all since?

 

I just got flowers. With no name. I am assuming they are from him. Lame. In my opinion. I would rather get a phone call than flowers. Plus, what if they arent from him? I would feel stupid for asking.

 

Who knows.

[catfeeder]

You are still not clarifying for anyone here, and perhaps not even for yourself--or him, exactly. how. you. want. him. to. 'fix'. this.

 

A bunch of abstractions don't help anybody, and that could be why he hasn't been able to come through for you. Specify what you MEAN.

[Kjv1611ad]

I told him that: he needed to quit treating me like we were just dating. we had been together over two years. He did NOT used to do this, we are a couple. there is no we, and hasnt been for the past 6 months, He never called me, never made plans with me, just asked if I wanted to do things with him he already planned (at the last minute). I saw him once a week, me making the effort.

He didnt touch me anymore. He didnt want to kiss me. He never told me he loved me unless I said it first. Really, these are just minor things in comparison to him lying to me about meeting his ex, ditching me superbowl sunday (somehow that was my fault too) just outright disrespectul of me and my feelings, CONSTANTLY. about how when you are with someone YOU JUST KNOW things arent right. I tried to talk to him and he would never talk to me about anything. He didnt care about fixing anything because he simply didnt care. He said of course this isnt true, but this was more than just losing the honeymoon phase. We were going to move in together a year ago. Now that is completely off the table. He never asked me to do ANYTHING with him anymore, if I wanted to see him it was on his terms. Our entire relationship was on his terms.

why even be together? thats how I feel.

 

He sent me flowers today. I did send a text asking if it was him, and he said yes. I told him thank you, that was really nice. He said your welcome and I said happy v day, he said thanks.

 

That is all I have said. I felt I had to; how rude is it to accept a gift and not say thank you? Its not like I could tell the delivery boy to give it back!

 

I am glad he took the time to send flowers. Not sure where to go from here.

[catfeeder]

This is a list of your complaints about what he didn't do. If he wants a reconciliation, be prepared to spell out exactly what you DO want him to do, and tell him he can offer up his own list of things he wants from you.

 

Complaining isn't negotiating. If you want to be constructive -and- you want results, you'll need to learn how to switch from complaint to negotiation and spell out what you want--exactly, and what you're willing to offer in exchange. Telling someone just to 'treat you like a girlfriend' is open for interpretation and puts him in a damned position when his definition doesn't meet yours. He's likely to throw up his hands and not even try.

 

People reconcile differences by spelling them out and offering something of value to the other in exchange. Complaining doesn't give anybody room for anything but hurt feelings and resentment. That's not negotiating, it's a temper tantrum, and nobody responds well to those. If this matters enough to you and the guy gives you a chance to negotiate, try that, and if not, then just stay NC and heal up in your own time and way.

[Kjv1611ad]

My reply did sound whiny, and I'm sure I didn't say it like that to him. We have talked about things numerous times. I also feel like if he cared about me, things like ditching your girlfriend woulnt happen?

[Kjv1611ad]

I mean, I can take responsibility for some communication issues, but the way he has treated me for a while is that of a person who simply does not care.

[homebody]

Yeah, no name flowers is lame and passive and doesn't merit a reply or even a inquiry. If he checked out, no amount of talking will get him to check back in. You did the right thing. I was in a similar situation. I tried to leave last month, he begged me to stay and try counseling, he did try to do better, that lasted a week. I began to relax and feel confident in getting us back on track, then a week later, he decided he didn't have the energy and his workload was too high and he was not happy with his life. He decided it wasn't fair to me, didn't know what to do or when things would improve, so lets break it off. I agreed as I am tired of this rickety roller coaster. Maybe he needed to be in control, maybe he really wanted to try and just couldn't do it, I don't know. This happened in the space of 2 weeks. I think this was always in his mind as he checked out 6 months ago and I think through neglect tried to get me to pull the plug and when I did he panicked. Facing life, his problems and me was too much for him, maybe that is how it is for your guy too. But I hung in there at my own detriment because I wanted him to take responsibility for messing this up. I refused to let the story be that I walked away and left him, like is past loves did. I was stubborn and it only hurt me more now as I am 6 mo behind in healing. So don't second guess yourself, being good to yourself is better than being right. So keep it moving.

 

Only in the emptiness and loneliness of losing you is it possible for change to happen. For me I will not call, text, email nothing not even today on V-Day and I suggest you do the same for your own good. There will be no relief formy ex's guilt and pain as I have none for my pain. Focus on you and if he does come around only take him back with visible changes being made. He will have to start from scratch with you and take your time letting him in. Give him a month, even two to prove it to you before you invest again and the relationship should have some plan of moving forward too. Good luck, you did the right thing, now focus on you and feeling better and stronger, and standing your ground on what you want.

[Kjv1611ad]

Well, I did ask him if it was him, and the note didn't had his name or an I love you. But I did feel it would be rude not to say something. Although i do agree it is a weak and passive attempt.

 

I would like to take the advice to be able to communicate better, but I also do not feel I need to contact him about it, or contact him at all other than thanking for the flowers and saying happy valentines day because of it. He is going to have to do WAY better than that. Wonder if he will. He is JUST the type of person to say, "well I sent you flowers, I thought you'd know I wanted to work on things".

 

Thoughts? Because to be honest, I was feeling good and then now I feel like I am back at square one

[Kjv1611ad]

I asking see it as he doesn't know what is going to happen or what he wants either but went ahead and "did something" for valentines day "just to make sure" I wouldn't be upset about it later. I feel there was Bo meaning behind it and actually I'm a little put off. Am I being to hard on him? Now I am second guessing myself.

 

Can anyone help?

[catfeeder]

You're in an over-thinking spin. If the guy steps up and asks to talk about reconciling, then you can decide whether you want to try negotiating then, or not. If the guy doesn't step up and ask to reconcile, then there's nothing to spin.

 

I'd go off and do something constructive.

[Kjv1611ad]

Ok, ok. Point taken. Will do.

[Kjv1611ad]

Ok so I sent a text saying thank you for the flowers, they are beautiful, why did you do that? I should send you a picture.

 

Before you go to far, I know I messed up.

 

He text back with he ordered them earlier (before we broke up) and he was glad I liked them.

 

I responded with, oh. Ya, flower deliveries for valentines day are hard to cancel last minute. Nice gesture though, thanks again.

 

He said he would never cancel them, and your welcome, hope they smell good.

 

I called. I said, when did you order the flowers? (I knew he was lying) why I felt the need to call him on it I dont know. He said he ordered them over the weekend. I didn't know what to say really after that.

 

It turned into him saying he didn't want me not to have flowers on valentines day, an he was thinking of me.

 

I said well that's nice of you, and somehow it turned into a talk it shouldn't of.

 

I again was more specific about things, and he was too. He was/is sick of the fighting (me too) I told him that he chose to let me leave. He disagrees.

 

I told him it was always me fixing things, blah blah blah.

 

He said a part of him wants to be with me and another part doesn't know because of all the fighting. He said he didn't have time to think about anything.

 

I told him sorry I called and I took his flowers as being something it wasn't. He didn't correct me.

 

I felt hurt. I was telling him that I felt t best not to talk to each other anymore unless he wanted to work on things (again) and yay included giving me flowers.

 

He then said sorry for sending the flowers. I told him again I was happy and thankful, and sorry I got the wrong idea.

 

He got upset and said he didn't think it was fair that I said we couldn't talk. I told him that is what I needed, and how our conversation went.

 

He wasn't happy and started to get a little mad. I told him fine, we would compromise, we will go to dinner in two weeks, does he think that's enough time to think? He said yes. I said ok, I will text you the time and place.

 

I told him I needed time to think during this time though, and I need him to respect that I ask him not to call, or text, or send any gifts.

 

I know I messed this up. How bad is it? What should I do at dinner?