How do you handle "The Other Guy"?

[kitten]

I have another topic up in this forum, but this is kind of a new issue, so I figured I'd make it a new topic.

 

I dont' know whether my ex was seeing someone else when we broke up, or if she's seeing him now, and there's evidence both ways, so I can't make any kind of conclusion.

 

But my question is -- in general, if your ex is seeing someone else, how do you handle that? Is it worth trying to get her back at that point? How do you try not to think about them together? In such a situation, wouldn't no-contact only make you even less of an issue, while giving them more time to bond? What are your thoughts?

[rich46]

In my situation, if my ex girlfriend started seeing someone else pretty soon after we had split up, I couldn't keep in contact with her. She told me that she needed "space" and some "time alone where she didn't have to answer to anyone." So if she contradicted this by getting another man then I wouldn't want to get back with her anyway.

 

That is why I am confused about ever being "best friends" with her. On one hand I want to just in case she changes her mind, but on the other hand if she met another man I would be more heartbroken than before.

 

How do you try not to think about them together? In such a situation, wouldn't no-contact only make you even less of an issue, while giving them more time to bond? What are your thoughts?

 

I would just say try your hardest to move on with your OWN life. There is no magic cure to stop thinking about your ex with someone else. That is just natural. But I wouldn't recommend contacting her during this time. If she tries to contact you, then it's up to you if you want to get involved. Personally though, I couldn't do it.

 

Rich

[bzborow1]

Women are attracted to confident men. Period. And with that I think you should take the approach that you are totally aloof and indifferent to it. "whatever" is probably the easiest way to sum it up in one word. The no contact is more for yourself then it is for her, you've just ended a relationship and you need time to get over it, it's natural, and being around the source of those emotions can only serve to hurt you more.

 

Now having said that it also gives them time without you around. Think of it in another way, if she tells you, "i want to see other people" and you just continue seeing her as a friend what message are you sending her? To me, you not giving her any reason to change her behaviour, IF SHE SO CHOOSES. My point is, you need to move on, go no contact with the assumption she's never going to talk to you...if she does come back at some point, great........if not, that's great too!!!

[Chandler]

That is my situation now. She has a new bf. They started going out within a month of us breaking up. As for how not to think of them together, I couldn't find a way. Everytime I think about it, my heart would physically be in pain. I'm sorry, that's probably not what you wanted to hear, but it just took time. I think NC (no contact) helped.

 

My thoughts...well, there's nothing I can do or say that will make her come running back to me. If anything, I can only make it worse and anything I try to do or say will only make her run away from me into his arms. If your EX is better off with you instead of the new person, then they must see it for themselves, or else they will not see it.

 

So I guess I have 2 choices...

1) Be a friend with your EX if they want to be friends. Support them. Don't even mention the other person unless they bring it up. That's what I'm doing. We're friends. We don't talk that often, maybe every 3 weeks or so. Just make sure of one thing (which I read a lot today)...NO EXPECTATIONS. Be a friend because you want to be a friend and nothing more.

 

2) Sometimes I want this....just to say, "You know what, I can't be friends with you. It's too hard (or too weird)." And stop all contact. In time (I know it's hard to believe how), it will not bother you that your EX is with another.

 

If anyone has other options, I would like to hear them as well.

[Surfinman]

Lady00 That was a great post with some good advice.

[Mr Mister1]

Here's one to ponder, what happens if they leave you and then go off with someone who treats them really badly and make them really depressed? While you're still in love with them.

[otrebla]

Hi, for me the last thing I have in mind about my break up is my ex's new bf, even when I saw her kissing him, I saw it!, I were shocked and almost vomited, but I could get over it and now I'm doing nc to see if she misses me, while I get more confident and grow as a person for myself, not for her, I don't mind if she kisses him or even has sex with him, I know she's a clean person and she takes bath and brushes her teeth, so if we get back together I won't be tasting that guy's flavour.

I think I made a big progress, I'm not jealous anymore and don't mind if she kisses other lips, etc. She's not my property and I love her for other things, not because of her sexual files. And if love between us is strong enough, it will rise over everything. if not, then not, her loss.

[BigSyke]

I actually saw my ex go from me to the otherguy. She walked me out of her house like everything was A-ok, and then saw her and the other guy go up to her room.....Last I saw her, suddenly she wouldnt talk or see me, and im still waiting. Its hard to understand how they can do that, i couldnt ever do that. Its been a long time, and everday it still hurts, big time. Now its like im competing with her; trying to make sure i have fun 24/7 and find a girl fast so im not left in the dust.

 

How can they do that? ive heard from more people in person that mostly females are able to do that? Mr Mister, same situation. Hes cheating on her but she said this time she wont let him go, nomatter what. Some times it makes me want to glaze this guy, but that wont help. Even girls have called my ex saying that her new man is sleeping with them and their friends, but she doesnt believe it. Ever seen the movie Oceans 11?? good movie, but i was thinking about what daniel ocean did, extortioned that guy. Made his ex wife realize that her new man would give her up for money....its just a movie though heh. went from mopeing around listening to "our" songs, to really listening to some tupac or usher and other stuff. It actually makes me feel better when i hear sombody verbally is going through the same stuff, and how to deal with it. Usher - burn, or can you help me really hits the spot. But only way ive dealt with the pain and constantly thinking about them (other than smoking a pack a day or more), is thinking about nothing but money, and getting more. M.O.B

 

Hard news guys, ive been through the worst of all situations i think, and there may be no hope, which is better. Why do they call it climbing the ladder? You WILL find somebody better!

[if only]

My boyfriend split with me after 5 years his main reason being he wanted to be single. Well just last week I found out he has another GF (it took him 2 months). I was upset, how can someone after 5 years just get over it that quickly?

 

I know she is not special to him like I was, she is not jumping into a relationship that I had with him, it will never be the same to what we had. They may fall in love in the future but they are not in love now. (I think sometimes we hurt so much because we imagine this person in the same relationship that we had, the one we want back so much). I take comfort in thinking that he is only with this other girl because he cant cope with the pain he feels right now. she is a replacement for me. I feel sorry for him because he needs someone in his life, he cant get through it on his own.

 

Overall I am the stronger person and so are you, I/you have not rushed into a new relationship we are coping and will be a better people in the end. I am using this time to grow as a person and treating the break up as an experience. You can not change what they are doing you just have to accept it, I know it is hard but I feel better about it now. I don't think about it as much and when I do, I don't feel ill or angry anymore. I can not change what he does, he is no longer mine.

 

I know its hard not to think about it, but I hope it gives you comfort knowing they are not replacing you or the relationship you had, they never could, they are just trying to get through a break up in the only way they know how.

[bzborow1]

I think the hardest thing is coming to the realization that your ex doesn't want you anymore, which is why NC is good. How can she ever "miss" you if you're always willing to be there. Personally I think a lot of guys stay friends like they do because they need the medication that the ex brings them, but they don't realize that it also prolongs the recovery. It's like taking an anti-depressant w/o actually working to solve the real problems.

 

Another thought, I know the period of recovery after a breakup is also a period of self-reflection, and that's good. But I think it shouldn't be analyzing yourself in terms of making yourself better for your EX, it should be to make yourself better for the future. One last thing...if you do go and ask for your ex back (after she dumped you) and she says yes...won't you not be walking on pins and needles afraid she'll dump you again? That's giving up all your power....and in a relationship neither partner should have to give up any.

[tristesse]

I feel how you feel, I went out with this guy for 4 years and some change…. And he just took of, went to vacation to LA to see his family and called me a night before he was due back to tell me he's not coming back bec of his family and that seeing me could change his mind, thereforeeee he never contacted me or anything. However, going through his e-mails, which I found the access to, Know totally wrong of me, but anyway, I found pictures of him and his ex ex in LA. I am in Toronto.

She had sent him 3 albums and they were partying like crazy and kissing and all…. Today there was a new album, but I decided to not check it anymore since seeing him w another girl made me so sick that I had to take time off work. And specially that he told me also that girls is the last thing he's thinking off and that he will always love me.

 

Basically he was making it sound that he had no choice but to break up w me, because of our family issues, he's Jewish and I am not and it was causing conflicts w his family.

 

But 2 months after the break up, just like you, I found these pictures and t just killed me. I also know that this didn't happen while we were still together but somehow it hurts so badly.

 

But you are right we have no control over their lives, and it's sad to think that another girl may have what we want back so badly. Maybe we are hurt also, because we analyze these situations so much. We sit and try to analyze how our ex feel s about the person they are seeing, without any tips other than our own little clues, we sit and wonder if they love them and mostly if thy have forgotten about us and being with this person made it easier for the,. Maybe also we want our ex's who dumped us to also feel the guilt and the pain we feel.. but mostly because we want them to REGRET and seeing them move on give us exactly what we don't want!

 

I think the best think right now, it's to keep away for these information's that somehow we seek to know, in my case, I have stopped checking his e-mails, even thu I am dying to know more and to analyze them together, but in fact the only thing I am earning by doing this is more PAIN!

 

I don't think there's much to do, other than to look at it as another closure, or for some of us who don't have any closure (like me) this can just be a plus to tell us, listen he was obviously not yours to be since he is now w someone else! And it hurts to know that they are happy and all when we are suffering and in pain!

If they move on so fast, why can't we?

It's true we can't stop wondering bout how they feel fr that new person, and if sometime they do think of us and miss us too…………but we must try to think no..I guess..I don't know I am hur and confused and in pain myself!

[nicholascrack]

I really apprecaited the advice where you said to completely ignore the other guy, put him out of your mind. I thought that was good, solid advice and I've been practising it. I know longer feel the need to compare my masculinity with him (he's a gymnast, I've been shot four times).

 

Anyways, I was talking with my ex today and she is starting to think that all this contact we are having feels like cheating. She's been seeing this guy for four days, has already started kissing him, etc. They are moving fast. I still feel the need to put my foot in the door by trying to spend nice, comfortable time with her. After all, I am admittedly her best friend. What do I do?

 

P.S. I was just kidding about being shot four times....

 

Thanks...Nicholas

[tristesse]

You must stop talking to your ex. NC rule! You want to heal and move on and can't do so as long as u talk to her

best of luck

[bzborow1]

Have some respect for yourself. Why on earth would you "stay friends" with someone who'll break up w/you and then start talking about what base she's getting to with some other guy...man...respect yourself enough to let this one go. Quit accepting her treating you and your emotions as though your/they're second class.

[nesthead]

lady00 , great post. It's now a permanent list on my desktop.

[nicholascrack]

Great advice, everyone:

 

Now, I had a pretty good look at this guy that my ex is with. Believe me, I wanted to punch him out quite repeatedly. But tonight, I went to a bar with my friends and I could have sworn he was there! He was with a whole group of girls and was kissing and making out with one of them. We made eye contact a few times and I was about to take a picture of them with my friend's camera phone, but he quickly vanished.

 

I am trying to be in a strict no contact phase with my ex. But she has something of mine that I desperately need. Now this has happened. How do I kind of bring it up, assuming I have the right guy, without looking like a desperate idiot? I'm not sure what to do...I don't want to talk to her at all, but I really need this one cell phone of mine that she still has...

 

Help!!

 

Nicholas

[tristesse]

what does she have? do u really need it? Send a friend over to get it for you! stay away for a while...NO CONTACT

Hope that helps.

Stay strong

[kitten]

nicolas, assuming that you have some interest in getting back together with this girl, do *not* bring up that incident. First, if there's any chance you're wrong, you're going to look like a complete moron. And if you're right, she should probably know about it, but she shouldn't hear it from *you*, because nobody likes the bearer of bad news and it would just make it look like you're trying to break them up (which you would be, but in her eyes, that would make you look like an ass).

 

One *possible* way to do it would be that if you go over there to get your phone or whatever, and he's there, just say something friendly and innocent like "Hey, thought I saw you at that bar the other night," and leave it at that. If it was him, he'll get nervous all on his own, knowing that you saw what he was up to, and just might dig his own grave. If it wasn't him, you can just brush it off with "Ah, well, he looked just like you," and nothing more need be said.

[nicholascrack]

Kitten,

 

you are absolutely right. If I was wrong about this, I would look like such a psycho. I mean, I feel like calling her up and saying, "This is the piece of trash you ditched me for? He ceats after four days!!" But you're right, it would just look like I was trying to break them up.

 

If it weren't for my frickin probation, I'd be able to carry around my camera phone...

 

Anyways, your advice is greatly appreciated. I really didn't know what to do with this. Thanks.

 

Nicholas

[BigSyke]

same boat as you, she left me for a man that has cheated on her countless times, and she is ok with it i guess. What a terrible waste......

[benqburner]

nicholas and bigsyke,

 

 

have either of you ever thought of confronting them? Just wondering if you've tried that route. What are your thoughts about what that would accomplish? If you just went up to them mano-a-mano.

 

Benq

[Mr. Six]

Benqburner,

In my own mind, as would any macho-tough-as-grit man, would love to confront and "prove" that they deserve our woman/man. On a primative level, I would rip the other guy's head off and boot it like a soccer ball if I had the chance. As a martial arts expert, I could and would tear him limb from limb and show him the error of his actions. However, this isn't a revenge action movie and we've got to be realistic here. Sure, he interferred in a good stable relationship that was just going through a rough patch. Sure, he offered her something that she couldn't presently have with me. Ofcourse, she took it! As did the partners of everyone here on this board!

 

There is no good to come from a confrontation with the other person. It breeds distrust in the heart of the person that want. It brings them together and breeds a mutual dislike or hatred of us. We don't need them to unite against a common cause, this is a war and we want to divide and conquer. How do we divide? Just sit and wait. Our war is being fought for us in our partner's mind. Give them support to reinforce the old feeling you once had and keep them guessing. It's a matter of time. It's time to play it cool and to think. Our time will come.

 

If the guy decides to be tough and takes it out to the carpark, then walk away. Fight opponents that you respect, not scum.

[nicholascrack]

Benqburner,

 

My ex's current beau is a gymnastics instructor. I would love to show him exactly what's up. But for reasons beyond my control, I am prohibited from breaching the peace. I can't even carry a gun around anymore. Can you believe that!?!?

 

Mr. Six,

 

I love how you put that. I never thought about how all these actions are doing nothing but breed mutual hatred from the new couple. They now have the opportunity to talk about us, and in some cases, even laugh about us. Now if we flip the script and play it cool, we end up looking mature and confident. Some very good ideas, Mr. Six, I must say.

 

 

Sincerely,

 

Nicholas

[BigSyke]

Indeed, would like to smoke him. But its never the guys fault, except in my case. Why cant you carry a gun around anymore? Thats not really the answer to anyproblems however. I sometimes carry 2 by my waist, cant wait if the new guy trys to act up and attack me or her. He gets aggressive i hear. This is only due to the fact that i have people wanting to kill me. I did do the "your man did bang some of my friends the other night" and other propaganda.

 

But there is no doubt that the fact just sucks worse than any fact ever. I would like to go back, but its too late, she had feelings for another man, she had sex with another man. This is worse than cheating i think. But they will always always have the leading edge against us. We can try to beat em, but no matter what, they always have somthing we want, which we cant get. The odds are always against us. So Drop them off your roster like a dead player, and get back in the game. My advice i guess.

[kitten]

Sheesh.

 

All I wanted to know is how people handle the situation when they want their ex back, but he/she is with someone else. Then the discussion degenerates into who carries more guns and who has more martial art prowess.

 

That isn't quite what I meant by "handle". Try to assume for the moment that the idea is to get back together eventually, not make the ex recoil in horror because you shot / beat the snot out of / stalked / hanged their current flame.

 

I dno't know -- it seems like NC is somewhat counterproductive here. If she's with a new guy, and you're not contacting her at all, then she has absolutely no reason to miss you or think of you. (Yes, I realise that NC is for your benefit and healing time as well, but isn't it also a sort of ploy to make the ex miss you?)