remster Posted December 22, 2011 Share Posted December 22, 2011 This is a brilliant post, ive been in NC not for 4 weeks, but she did text me just over 2 weeks ago. Its been really hard, and i have certainly had my weak moments where my finger has been hovering over the send button of another text to her. But ive resisted. Because i know she wont reply, which will send me back. Plus at the moment she will then know i am still here for her. I like the fact that now she does not know anything about me, where i live, about me setting up my own business or anything. I hope she is woundering about me, im sure she is. But i also believe that if she wants to know and talk to me she will make that attempt. I have no interest in starting anything with her now. Christmas is going to be interesting, im just woundering if i will hear from her. My only concern if i do is do i reply, or leave her with nothing??? Link to comment
The Man Who Posted December 22, 2011 Share Posted December 22, 2011 Christmas is going to be interesting, im just woundering if i will hear from her. My only concern if i do is do i reply, or leave her with nothing??? Leave her with nothing, you've got better things to do bar reply to her Link to comment
penfield Posted December 22, 2011 Share Posted December 22, 2011 Wish I read and followed this after my break-up. She ended things with me. I had way too many questions and was in complete shock. My natural tendency was to find out what happened, why it happened and if anything could be done about it. Only after sending long, drawn-out, heartfelt letters, bugging her friends and family and then waiting did I finally realize she was gone. I don't think anything that I did had an effect on her not coming back but because of what I did and the end result, of course I'm going to wonder what would've happened if I handled the break-up differently. This is a lot of common sense advice but the problem is that most humans with emotions will have a very difficult time trying this right after a break-up. It's just hard and everyone thinks their relationship is unique and different than the norm. That is the dangerous cloud that we have a hard time stepping outside of so that we may see things more clearly. We stay inside the cloud, can't see anything, move around aimlessly and eventually over time, the cloud dissipates on it's own and we're left by ourselves realizing she was never in the cloud with you but already gone. Link to comment
remster Posted December 22, 2011 Share Posted December 22, 2011 My situation was exactly like yours mate, straight out the blue. I also did as you, asked the questions, i just didnt understand why. But now looking back yes i wish i had just walked away more gracefully, but i guess you learn your biggest lessons through mistakes and take them with you. Just look at it, next time your going to be a much wiser person, stronger person and will never make the same mistakes again. But dont dwell on how you acted, you cant change it, you acted as you thought best at the time. Life is for learning. I guess i also learnt, that no matter how great you think it is one day, it could be gone the next. So make the most of them while your with them, love them and share your happiness unconditionally with them that they wont ever be able to let go of you. But then is this where you would let go of them if not getting the same in return.... relationships are tough, but it take two to make them work, especially during the difficult times. My ex just ran, but i guess i should be glad i found this side of her before we got more serious with a house etc... Link to comment
remster Posted December 22, 2011 Share Posted December 22, 2011 Leave her with nothing, you've got better things to do bar reply to her Yes thats what i thought, but i would feel cruel... Still what she did to me was cruel so guess leave her now, least she would know where i stand! Link to comment
penfield Posted December 22, 2011 Share Posted December 22, 2011 My ex just ran, but i guess i should be glad i found this side of her before we got more serious with a house etc... Yes, me too. Many people told me be glad you didn't get even more serious, marry, buy a house, move in together and have kids... yea, yea, yea. I understand, I do. It didn't make it any easier though. There could always be a hundred what-if's that are much, much worse. But I don't respond to hypothetical situations too well. I have a hard enough time dealing with reality. Link to comment
Mario043 Posted December 23, 2011 Share Posted December 23, 2011 I was essentially told to bugger off, and was treated with disrespect and derision. Every time I thought of phoning or emailing, I remembered how I was treated. Until I feel I am healed and stronger, there will be no communication. There can't be. I have been (am going) through too much pain, and do not wish to revisit all of that grief. Link to comment
mahipahl Posted December 23, 2011 Share Posted December 23, 2011 This is an excellent thread for those struggling. I recently got dumped and the advice here is spot on. I have been the dumper/dumpee and have lost a loved one (my wife) to cancer. So I had been through all versions of losing someone. Here are the high points I think everyone must remember, especially a serious relationship +1 year or better: 1. The dumper did not just one day decide to end the relationship. They have been unhappy for a long time. It is just may seem like a surprise to you. 2. You will probably not be able to convince them to change their mind. They will not believe anything you have to say. They had a lot of time to think about it. 3. No Contact is essentially you saying that they were only one part of your life and you have many parts that don't stop. You live a life with many interests and people; your ex was only one part. 4. By contacting them after the made it clear they are finished, you are saying that #3 is not the live you live. It just makes you more unattractive to your ex 5. If you are not living #3 then that’s what no contact helps with. Get out there and make things happen for YOU So if you want to accomplish what many on this site wonder about do the following, and only if you want to try and reconcile. Contact them once shortly after the breakup ( couple of days), leave a message if they don't answer, email if you want but only contact once. Convey that you recognize that things have not been going well for them you know they are unhappy and you want to change that. You would be will to try when they are ready and then...vanish. You will leave with yourself respect and dignity, you will after some time of NC without a doubt have them wondering if they made the right decision. You will now focus on making your life better. Will they contact you again? Probably if you did things this way. Just give yourself a chance to do things to improve your life without your ex. If you do ever run into them again I guarantee you will be fine in your own skin for acting the way you did. After some time is passed I doubt anyone would want to reconcile anyway if they have made their life active and fulfilling, you just would not be interested in the drama to make it work again. And I bet by creating a fulfilling, active live you would already attracted the attention of someone else that really wants to be with you and digs you. Now who would go back to all that old drama if you have someone like that with you now? Link to comment
stickman Posted January 23, 2012 Author Share Posted January 23, 2012 It's a New Year!! Time to take control of your own life. Your own future. Your own happiness. This time next year, you WILL look back and laugh at where you are right now. Hope this helps! Link to comment
nekoxchaos Posted January 23, 2012 Share Posted January 23, 2012 This forum has been pretty helpful in me trying to keep sane, its almost 1 year without contact and I never thought i'd make it .... as much as I feel alot stronger, getting more independent and gaining more self confidence there is still that small empty spot in me that entertains the thought that he probably thinks of me or will send me some email or acutally call me.... This friday a mutual friend of ours who is pretty close to my ex texted me .... my friend said how he missed me and what im up to etc etc etc ... i try to keep my responses short or not answer at all because this mutual friend has let me down alot of times by flaking out on me even though he always makes the plans or invites me to events where my ex will be there. The text didn't bother me too much at that time but I grew pretty irritable and moody this weekend and all those feeling i try to suppress are starting to crack through my "fake it to make it" veneer. After making it through the holidays and new years alone and not being too upset about it now I kinda find myself feeling pretty depressed . I don't know why I have the bad habit of thinking my ex is this great person , you can say putting them on a pedestal ..... by thinking how successful and great his social life is ... it's not helping me much but I must continue sticking to this no contact thing even if that means I may be alone most of the times or am not having that great of a social life its 10x better then entertaining the thought of sending a email or making a call that will go unanswered or ignored and feeling that awful feeling of rejection all over again. *sigh* Link to comment
Sara1970 Posted January 23, 2012 Share Posted January 23, 2012 I am convinced. NC will become my new best friend. We will do lots of nothing together. Link to comment
rig01 Posted January 23, 2012 Share Posted January 23, 2012 Long story short I got dumped in October, had to keep living together until December, we got closer in that time, but then she panicked and started dating another guy before I could leave. In only 3 weeks since I moved out, I haven't contacted her. I've progressed from wanting nothing more than to be back with her again to no longer wanting to go back to how things were. I'm in a great new workout routine, I'm very socially active and have a lot of new projects now, and I'm feeling better about who I am as a person. I'm even looking at casually dating to help me boost my self-esteem. However, I still really, really want her to contact me. I feel I need to tell her that I've discovered the root of our problems, and I also can't help wanting her rebound relationship to fail because it was built on her panic and my misery. I want her to work on herself as an individual outside of a relationship, like she told me she needed. Most of all though, I wish I could just stop thinking so much about it. But I want to talk to her like an adult. I want closure. Link to comment
stickman Posted February 10, 2012 Author Share Posted February 10, 2012 As much as you may want to talk to her, I would not until you are ready emotionally. You will be back to square one and feeling worse if you were to contact her now. Also, until that OTHER person is out of their life, there is nothing you can do or say that will really matter. I would continue to casually date like you are. That will help your self esteem. Link to comment
stickman Posted February 23, 2012 Author Share Posted February 23, 2012 A quick bump for those that are in pain today. Where I am today, it is beautiful outside! I hope this helps you if even for a little. Link to comment
FreeFallFeelin Posted February 24, 2012 Share Posted February 24, 2012 I read a great analogy once that goes something like this: Your mind is like one of those little Xmas snow globes, and your thoughts are like the snowflakes in the globe. The more you shake it up and keep turning it over and over, the more agitated and chaotic the snowflakes become. It looks like a blizzard in there! When you stop, do nothing, and focus completely on the here and now, it's like setting that snow globe on a table and letting the snowflakes settle. It's the same for your mind and thoughts. It's the same for NC. Link to comment
stickman Posted September 26, 2012 Author Share Posted September 26, 2012 I read a great analogy once that goes something like this: Your mind is like one of those little Xmas snow globes, and your thoughts are like the snowflakes in the globe. The more you shake it up and keep turning it over and over, the more agitated and chaotic the snowflakes become. It looks like a blizzard in there! When you stop, do nothing, and focus completely on the here and now, it's like setting that snow globe on a table and letting the snowflakes settle. It's the same for your mind and thoughts. It's the same for NC. Good stuff! Link to comment
stickman Posted July 29, 2015 Author Share Posted July 29, 2015 My God, I have to read my OWN advice from years ago to help myself from another failed relationship....AGAIN. I seemed so in control.... Link to comment
eldasensei Posted August 1, 2015 Share Posted August 1, 2015 My God, I have to read my OWN advice from years ago to help myself from another failed relationship....AGAIN. I seemed so in control.... Look at it this way. It seems you got over the first one. You can do it again! Link to comment
mikesmith1 Posted August 2, 2015 Share Posted August 2, 2015 So true i did the exact thing this says "f you don't do anything, you can't screw anything up! If you don't call/email/meet and alternate between crying, reasoning, screaming, bargaining, pleading, asking to get back together, promising “it will be different this time”, etc., you can't come off like a psycho. Everyone goes through some extreme mood swings right after a break up. We all feel sad, depressed, melancholy, happy, angry, euphoric, raging, reminiscent... do NOT unleash your feeling on your Ex. It's enough to make you crazy AND it's enough to make them believe you just might be. If you do anything remotely resembling this, you're proving them right for breaking up or staying away from you. So it's better not to do anything. " She now thinks I am Psycho and harassing cause I am at a loss now instead of friends she will never ever talk to me again.. Link to comment
stickman Posted August 9, 2015 Author Share Posted August 9, 2015 Her feelings are not important anymore. You CAN'T take ownership of her feelings. We cant keep thinking that we wernt good enough or loving enough. We can only be ourselves. Sometimes our EX's are so caught up on their problems in the present, worrying about the future or trying to relive the past to resolve the pain they are in now that they can't see something good right in front of them!!! Things did not turn out how you planned. Or maybe not how they planned either. But they have to deal with their decisions and their life without you in it. If WE were good enough at one point that they wanted to be in our lives, there is surely someone else that would love to have someone like us! Just the way we are. Link to comment
stickman Posted August 9, 2015 Author Share Posted August 9, 2015 Obviously I still need to learn a lot about women. But one thing I have learned, they are more about how they FEEL. You can't fix them or their problems. At best, you can try to take the pressure off, validate their feelings with love and let them sort out whats best for them...sometimes that means being alone, with their friends or family and without YOU. But we can only be ourselves. Link to comment
blanco Posted August 9, 2015 Share Posted August 9, 2015 One thing I learned after a couple of relationships is that when a woman is venting about something, they usually aren't looking for solutions. They just want someone to listen to them. Or, as Tom Haverford on Parks & Rec said, the only thing you usually need to say when a woman is going on about conflict or something like that is, "That sucks." Link to comment
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