butterfly6585 Posted January 3, 2011 Share Posted January 3, 2011 My EXBF broke up with me six months ago after 3 years of us being in an exclusive relationship together. Almost every single day for the past six months, he has either called or texted me practically telling me he still loves me, misses me & pretty much practically begging me to go back out with him. I kept saying no though partly because I would scared that he might break my heart all over again (as this is actually the 2nd time he's broken up with me) & I also kept saying no because originally I really didn't want to settle for anything less than us getting engaged/married because I figured after 3 years he should know by now whether or not I'm the one he wants to spend the rest of his life with. (By the way, I'm 33 & he's 35). About a month ago though after 5 months apart, I had a major change of heart & decided that although I do love him a lot & would love to marry him & have a family with him someday, at this point I just want to BE with him regardless of the actual "title" of our relationship. So, I agreed to go back out with him (as his girlfriend). We've been hanging out for the past few weeks (at my house and also things like going out to dinner together) & we had sex a few times recently. The sex was great but I can see now that it was actually probably a really bad idea because he originally kept saying he wants to work things out with me/get back together, but pretty much since I started sleeping with him again recently he's now basically back pedaling me & telling me he's not sure if he's "ready" for us to be bf&gf again. I can't help but be really angry&devastated that for all these months this man has BEGGED for me to go back out with him &then when I FINALLY agree to it, he's not exactly acting like he's eager for us to go back out again. For example, when he agreed about a week ago for us to go back out & I suggested we change our FB statuses now that we were supposedly "officially" going back out, he kept making excuses not to do it (like tired now but i'll do it tomorrow morning, etc. but then he'd never do it). This of course upset me & when I called him about it, that's when he finally admitted that he's not sure if he's ready yet for us to go back out yet & he basically told me that he'll let me know when he's ready for us to go back out again. He says stuff to imply that he thinks we'll still be able to see other in the meantime (until he's "ready" for us to be bf&gf again) & I'm SO not okay with that because I want to be in an exclusive, committed relationship & not just somebody's f*** buddy while they keep me on the back burner &keep searching for other girls to see if there's any other woman out there that's "better" than me)! He denies that he's doing that (trying to keep me on the backburner while he sees what else is out there but it's obvious to me that's what's going on because otherwise why wouldn't he be jumping at the chance to go back out with me right now, especially when he begged me almost DAILY for the past 5 to 6 months to go back out with him)! I'm pretty much at my wits end with this whole situation because I love this man so very much yet I'm so sick & tired of feeling like he's jerking me around. He sent me a FB friend request yesterday & I haven't confirmed it yet. I'm not planning on adding me on there because the thing is I at this point at least have way too many feelings to try & be just his friend (platonic or with "benefits). Do you guys think it would be a good idea for me to block him on FB as well? Because I started sleeping with him again recently before us getting back together was firmly established, he seems to be thinking why go back out with her when she's giving me no strings attached sex? However, I'm starting to become really unhappy with this situation because it really breaks my heart that I love this man so much that I want to marry him & here he is apparently not sure if he even wants me back as his girlfriend. I'm at the point now where I feel like I either want to be in his life 110% (at least as his gf) or else I don't think want to to be in his life at all. I've told him this before at least a few times over the past few months. However, it just seems to go in one ear & out the other & I'm sure it's because he has no reason really to take me seriously since I'll say stuff like I can't do this anymore, if you don't want me to be your gf then I'm moving on, yet then I continue to see him/sleep with him and/or at least still talk on the phone with him. So, since I really do love him & want him back (but only if he's decided that really wants to be in an exclusive relationship with me), how do you guys think is the best way to go about this? Do you think I should go totally no contact with him? If so, do you guys think I should I tell him ahead of time that I'm doing this? Should I tell him that since I want an exclusive committed relationship & he doesn't seem to want that with me them I'm moving on & if/when he decides that he's serious about being ready for us to go back out I'll at that point consider being his girlfriend again (if I'm not already taken)?? I've thought about saying that but on the other hand maybe it's not good to say that because that might make him feel like he has all the time in the world to make this decision & no need to "rush" about it. So, maybe it would be better to instead basically tell him that I'm totally fed up the whole situation & with him jerking me around & that it's over between us &then immediately go completely no contact with him. (Even though I still want him back). Any advice about this would be much appreciated. Thanks! Link to comment
ToF Posted January 3, 2011 Share Posted January 3, 2011 I've told him this before at least a few times over the past few months. However, it just seems to go in one ear & out the other & I'm sure it's because he has no reason really to take me seriously since I'll say stuff like I can't do this anymore, if you don't want me to be your gf then I'm moving on, yet then I continue to see him/sleep with him and/or at least still talk on the phone with him. Bingo. Take your own advice, here. You've given him no reason to respect you or take you seriously. Stop sleeping with him. Right now you're essentially proving to him that he can do literally whatever he wants and you will still take him back. Link to comment
shessofly Posted January 3, 2011 Share Posted January 3, 2011 i would let him know that you are done with the wishy-washy, noncommittal behavior, and that it's either all or none and he can get in touch if and ONLY if he decides he wants to discuss getting back together. i guess we don't need to tell you that sleeping with him is a really bad idea. you're going to have to stick to your guns or keep getting messed about. go no contact after that completely. you may not get him back, but at least you will know where you stand and will be able to move on. Link to comment
ForumGuy Posted January 3, 2011 Share Posted January 3, 2011 Stop all forms of contact with him. Don't answer calls, emails, or anything. If he does love you, he will figure out what he has done, and needs to do. If he doesn't love you, he will be gone and you are better off. Link to comment
HeartGoesOn Posted January 3, 2011 Share Posted January 3, 2011 Bingo. Take your own advice, here. You've given him no reason to respect you or take you seriously. Stop sleeping with him. Right now you're essentially proving to him that he can do literally whatever he wants and you will still take him back. Spot on! As the saying goes..."Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?" Link to comment
homebody Posted January 5, 2011 Share Posted January 5, 2011 Tell him what you want put it on the table. If you want marriage and commitment say so...otherwise you will be a girlfriend again and maybe forever because you are not telling him anything otherwise. Give him a chance to make it right...a chance to step up. But be prepared he may decide not to and it will hurt.. but then you will be free to go meet a man who will step up. You are not happy because you put all your energy and pinned all your hopes on to this one man who can't, won't step up and obviously he won't if you don't require him to, to be with you. Time to start looking at other options...like seeing other men. You deserve to get what you want and he has a right to say no if marriage is not what he wants to. Being in a relationship for 3 years doesn't entitle you to a marriage proposal and commitment, if you haven't asked for it or required it from him to be with you. Don't be afraid to tell him or any man that this is what you want...if they walk so be it...you won't waste time trying to figure out when they are going to make a commitment. If you require one from go you won't have to wonder where you are headed because you have voiced what you want and be prepared to walk if he doesn't step up to the next man and the next if necessary. Going NC is solely up to you if that is what you need to move on to date other men without feeling awkward, not as a punishment. If he has made a choice not to marry you so be it, you make a choice to be happy no matter what and do what feels good to you and it sounds like this doesn't so control the only thing you can control...you and leave this man behind. Tell him not tell him, I don't think you need to really, since you are not gf and bf. You can out of courtesy, but why bother with the drama...you're not exclusive anyway...so just start dating...the attention will feel better to you and your Mr. Right could be around the next corner, but you'll never meet him chasing a man who clearly doesn't want to be caught. 3rd times a charm and he is breaking your heart yet again make this last time...okay? Good luck! Link to comment
butterfly6585 Posted January 9, 2011 Author Share Posted January 9, 2011 Thank you very much for your input everyone. I really appreciate it. I haven't seen my exbf in just over a week now. The last time I saw him (& slept with him) was last Thursday, Dec. 30th. I couldn't have seen him last weekend even if he had wanted to get together because I went away for the weekend to visit my sister & her family. Had we been back together as bf&gf, I definitely would have invited him along but it would have been way too akward to have him there at my sister's house (with my parents visiting there too) as just ex boyfriend & exgf. We did stay in touch through calling & texting throughout the weekend. He's invited me a couple of times this week to hang out (Tuesday night, Friday night & Saturday night). Specifically, he asked me if I'd like to go out to dinner with him & then just hang out. So, then when it became clear he wanted to spend time with me but he still wasn't "ready" to get back together yet, I said no to hanging out with him because I said it makes me really mad that he apparently thinks I'm good enough to be his f*** buddy but not good enough to be his girlfriend. He then says stupid stuff like "I do want to go back out. I just don't "feel" like it today. I don't "feel" like getting on Facebook right now & changing my status (to in a relationship)". He's basically just full of excuses. Oh & then last night he said he couldn't come down because it was getting to be too late even though it was only 5:30(!!) yet maybe only 20 minutes before that he was more than happy to come down & see me (when he thought/hoped he could see me without any sort of commitment). Also, he tried to tell me last night that we could just hang out without sleeping together (yeah right, as if he wouldn't have at least tried to have sex with me). So, I've at least been able to stay strong & not give in to seeing him (&/or sleeping with him) for a little over a week now. However, I still can't seem to manage to give up talking to him on the phone/texting him every day. I keep telling him that I can't do this anymore, that this whole situation is making me really unhappy & p***ed off. However, then he'll call or text me & say please call me back & so like an idiot I'll give in & call him & he'll say all the right things. Like we'll have about an hour long conversation about reconciling, moving in together, etc but then at the end of that hour or so talk, when it comes right down to it lo & behold, surprise, surprise, he's STILL not "ready" to get back together. Each time that happens/one of these talks, I'm left feeling devastated all over again to realize that once again, he's still not serious about wanting to get back together with me. I also saw the other day that he had put his online dating profiles back up (& when I saw that I went ahead & put mine back up too after he wouldn't agree to take his down). So, that's a sure sign that he wants to keep his options open & see what else is out there. He didn't yell at me or anything when I wouldn't agree to see him this week although he did seem a little irritated (I'm sure at not being able to get his way& continue seeing me on just a casual, no strings attached basis). I've told him that I'm getting really fed up with his wishy washy, ambivalent b.s. & that I'm probably going to start dating other guys. Whenever I mention dating other guys, he'll ask me to please not do that or he'll sometimes even say that I better not do that. He says that if I start going out with other guys, that he'll start going out with other girls. However, the thing is, I have every reason to believe that considering he's technically single right now & has a dating profile up that if he hasn't already been dating other girls this past week while we've been apart, I'm sure he will be really soon. Also, he knows I want to be in an exclusive, committed relationship (preferably with him) & so he'll say stuff like "Why would you maybe go out with some other guy tonight instead of me? It's not like some other guy is going to ask you to be his girlfriend on just the first date". So, I tell him that of course I realize that but that he's being ridiculous to try & act like I'm expecting too much to want him to be ready for us to be bf/gf again after we've been having these reconciliation talks for the past three weeks now (and 3 years of us dating)! Maybe I do need to just starting today go completely NC with him because I miss him terribly & love him & really want to be with him but the way things are right now are making me really unhappy. Any further input/advice on the situation with my ex would be much appreciated. Thanks! Link to comment
butterfly6585 Posted January 9, 2011 Author Share Posted January 9, 2011 Also, I should add that almost every single time we get off the phone he says "love you" or "i love you" but obviously actions speak louder than words..... Link to comment
ToF Posted January 9, 2011 Share Posted January 9, 2011 It's going to be really hard, but it does seem like NC is your only viable option at this point. You're still too attached to him to be able to talk to him without getting sucked back in, so NC is the way to break that cycle. His needs are being met, but yours aren't. Give him some incentive to re-commit to you by backing all the way off. Show him how much you DON'T need him. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted January 9, 2011 Share Posted January 9, 2011 I hate to be harsh, but if you want to get married, you would cut this guy off and move on to someone who will actually marry you. Good luck! Link to comment
butterfly6585 Posted January 27, 2011 Author Share Posted January 27, 2011 Hi everyone, Just thought I'd give you all a quick update. Last Thursday, EXBF called me & we had this long heart to heart type conversation where he said all the "right" things & he made it sound as if he was ready for us to start dating again & spend the weekend together. Well, to make a long story short...turns out that he clearly was NOT being sincere as he changed his mind about being ready to get back together & we didn't spend the weekend together. So, this past weekend ended up being just awful for me (lots of crying) as I just felt so disappointed to realize that once again he was basically just full of crap about being ready to get back together with me. So, I re-read the advice you all gave me from earlier in this thread & I sent him the folowing email on Facebook yesterday (Tuesday) morning: (EXBF's Name), I really want to be in an exclusive, committed relationship & since you apparently don't want that with me, I'm moving on now. If/when you're actually serious about us getting back together, I will consider possibly getting back together with you if I'm still available/single at that point. From this moment on, I won't be contacting you at all anymore & I really mean it this time. Please don't contact me at all either unless&until you're truly serious about wanting me to be your girlfriend again & you're ready&willing to immediately change your Facebook & MySpace relationship status (to reflect that you're in a relationship with me) & take down your dating profiles. Link to comment
butterfly6585 Posted January 27, 2011 Author Share Posted January 27, 2011 Right after I sent him that email, I also sent a shorter version of the same thing to him via text since I'm not sure how often he checks his Facebook email nowadays & I wanted to make sure that he'd get my message right away. I heard from him a few times yesterday (3 texts & 1 phone call) & although he said "miss you" in one of the texts, he didn't mention a word about the email or text that I sent him yesterday morning (although I'm positive he must have seen it by now). I've said similar stuff to him before for the past few months now but I always end up giving in & contacting him but I'm trying my very best to be strong now & not do that. Other than the email & text I sent him yesterday morning, I didn't contact him at all yesterday & I didn't respond to his texts or phone call since he didn't say anything about being ready to get back together. I've been complaining both to myself & friends & family about how he's really been jerking me around alot lately. However, I had a major light bulb moment the other day where I realized I need to take ownership for the fact that yes while he HAS in fact been jerking me around, he's only been able to do so because I have ALLOWED him to. I also realized that since he's probably not about to stop jerking me around anytime soon (since he apparently was having fun being able to have his cake & eat it too), it was up to ME to put a stop to it. Link to comment
Moonshinebrite Posted January 27, 2011 Share Posted January 27, 2011 Your situation is similar to mine in a way and I can understand where you are coming from. Apart from that me and my ex are friends but when he hints he was more (sex in other words) I just say 'no' and if he whines then I would say 'it would would ruin the progress on our friendship' and leave it at that. I thought after 3 years 8 months he would have mentioned engagement or something but I suppose he got a little freaked. For the moment, go NC and see what happens. If you need to start a diary if you haven't got one and rant in there. I do in mind and I did all my 'soul searching' in there. I even wrote a letter to myself so when I have one of my bad days I read it telling me I am strong, loving, caring, beautiful etc and there is someone out there for me. Its just takes time to find them and bring them towards you. I bet that if you don't accept the friend request and not contact him he will probably be at his wits end trying to figure out if you are seeing someone else and that. Mine did. He freaked out at how many male friends I have at university. Yeah I go down to the student union and drink pints with the lads and play pool, but I not going to then jump into their bed afterwards because I'm slightly tipsy. Instead they walk with me until I'm in my street and wait until I'm in my house- gentleman really. Obviously they wouldn't drink and drive!! Give it a couple of weeks- if you don't hear from him, message him asking how he is. If he replies then go from there. Perhaps suggest going to see a film together- "have you seen the adverts to *insert film here*? I really would like to see it, would you like to come?" Link to comment
Moonshinebrite Posted January 27, 2011 Share Posted January 27, 2011 Sorry your update came up when I was writing my reply to your post!! :S Porbably don't count now- apologies! Link to comment
butterfly6585 Posted January 30, 2011 Author Share Posted January 30, 2011 Thanks so much for your input Moonshinebrite. I really appreciate it. Link to comment
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