Social life vs Relationship

[Anonymous122]

This isn't a relationship conflict so much as an anticipated relationship conflict. I expect that I'm going to start feeling like its a problem. Here is the situation:

 

I've been in a relationship with a woman for three months. We live about an hour and a half apart, but we've gotten really close and we've been spending every Friday/Saturday together since we started dating. She's begun to reinvigorate her social life and now it looks like we're only going to spend every other Friday/Saturday together. As much as I'm starting to feel those "I love you" emotions, I don't think I can reasonably participate in a relationship where I only see my partner every other weekend. I mean, honestly, just seeing each other for one night and one day a week didn't feel like nearly enough.

 

Any thoughts on my situation? I want to know if anyone else has ever felt like this. You like someone, but they just don't have enough time to really cultivate the sort of relationship that you want.

[Batya33]

I wouldn't like it if the reason was a social life (as opposed to work/family emergency or responsibilities, like that). I would expect my partner to want to spend every weekend with me as part of his social life other than rare occasions where he has a night out with friends (every few months would be fine with me although I would prefer that be during the week if weekends were when I was available).

 

And I disagree that she doesn't have time to see you -she has time, she just chooses to spend it with other people. Why can't she include you and that way every other week you spend one of the two nights with her people -would that work?

[Anonymous122]

I wouldn't like it if the reason was a social life (as opposed to work/family emergency or responsibilities, like that). I would expect my partner to want to spend every weekend with me as part of his social life other than rare occasions where he has a night out with friends (every few months would be fine with me although I would prefer that be during the week if weekends were when I was available).

 

And I disagree that she doesn't have time to see you -she has time, she just chooses to spend it with other people. Why can't she include you and that way every other week you spend one of the two nights with her people -would that work?

 

The problem with spending one of the two nights with her friends is that she moved back home for graduate school. Meaning I can't sleep over at her house, because its her parents house. With that in mind, we always spend time at my house (I live alone in a 3 bedroom house). Either she drives up, or if she doesn't feel like driving, I drive down and pick her up. Her friends work until around 9pm (they are a couple), so we'd have to go meet them around 9:30 or 10:00, spend a few hours with them, then drive an hour and a half back to my house. I mean, I know that sounds like I'm making excuses, but it just doesn't seem realistic to me.

[Batya33]

The problem with spending one of the two nights with her friends is that she moved back home for graduate school. Meaning I can't sleep over at her house, because its her parents house. With that in mind, we always spend time at my house (I live alone in a 3 bedroom house). Either she drives up, or if she doesn't feel like driving, I drive down and pick her up. Her friends work until around 9pm (they are a couple), so we'd have to go meet them around 9:30 or 10:00, spend a few hours with them, then drive an hour and a half back to my house. I mean, I know that sounds like I'm making excuses, but it just doesn't seem realistic to me.

 

Then perhaps her friends can drive to your house once a month or so to go out. Or once a month or so you can go there and get a motel room.

[Anonymous122]

Then perhaps her friends can drive to your house once a month or so to go out. Or once a month or so you can go there and get a motel room.

 

I mean, another thing is that she works on Saturdays, so she comes Friday night and then leaves Saturday around noon. If we spend Friday night with her friends, that means we'll only have a few hours alone each week. I think you're giving me very good advice, I just think that sort of arrangement wouldn't work for me. Like I said in my original post, I already feel like we don't spend enough time together as it is. Any decrease just isn't feasible, its probably best that I cut my losses and find someone whose got more time for me.

 

Thanks.

[hmdreamer7]

It sounds as though what she wants in her life right now is different from what you want - not that either is wrong, just different. I wouldn't give up just yet, because maybe she doesn't realize the things that you want from the relationship, that you want to spend more time with her. Does she really know how you feel? If you are starting to get those "I love you" feelings for her, then it's worth a try to sit down and talk about the way things are heading. And if you can't come to a conclusion that you both are happy with, then that would be a good time to cut your losses. But don't give up on it just yet until you can talk to her about it.

[LightbulbSun]

I agree. Perhaps she's just in an experimental phase, and she'll come out of it and your bond will be stronger?

 

Regardless, don't give up just yet, because she may come around. She could get tired of the partying and drinking (I know I did!), and she could just desire a quiet life.

[LightbulbSun]

Oh, and I saw you're 22.

 

Dude, if your girlfriend is 22 or younger, she's going to do that. Most people in that peer group act like that. Obviously you're the exception, however that doesn't mean that you have to change your morals. She *will* change hers, once she gets tired of that kind of life. They all do, or they never grow up.

[OptomisticGirl]

I'm in a 4,000 mile LDR, we get to see each other for a week every 4 months. Talk about not spending time with each other....

 

If she's your age OP it's not out of the ordinary for her to want to socilaize. I'm 22 but I never had that urge to go out EVERY weekend (or any weekend really). I do agree it shouldn't be every other weekend. One weekend a month wouldn't be bad. You just need to voice these concerns to her.

 

And if she still wants to do it maybe go out with your friends as well? I mean, at some point you are going to want the separate time in a relationship (it's healthy) but I can understand why you would be concerned.

[Anonymous122]

She's almost 24. She doesn't really party either. I don't have a problem with her behavior, she acts relatively mature. Its just that I feel like she is spread too thin to really allow this relationship to evolve how I had hoped it would. I guess I'll take some more advice from this thread and talk to her about it, though.

[Batya33]

My husband and I were in an LDR for a few years where we saw each other every 10-12 days or so. It meant, on certain weekends, declining other social invitations but the relationship was our priority. You need to confirm with her what are her priorities. If she only wants to see you twice a month maybe you tell her that in that case you will also look to date others.

[arcadefire]

The arrangement isn't at all convenient for you, considering you two live in the same city and all. Plus I get the feeling that she isn't 100% committed to you like you are to her. You may want to have a heart to heart with her about where you two think this relationship is going.

[Fudgie]

I agree with batya....it's not like she is busy with work or it's a ldr....she has the time but is choosing to spend it with friends and not you. It sounds line you guys have different priorities.

 

Don't give her a free pass just because her age and wait around for her to grow up. Thats a waste of your time. You deserve to find someone who wants to spend the same amount of time with you as you feel comfortable with.

[lady00]

I'm a little confused. At first I thought this was an LDR but now I see that you live in the same city, which would seem to change the analysis...

[Anonymous122]

I didn't say we live in the same city. She lives 90 minutes away from me.

[lady00]

I didn't say we live in the same city. She lives 90 minutes away from me.

 

OK, I got confused by someone else's comment that it isn't an LDR. To me this sounds very much like an LDR seeing as you live this far apart. I guess I don't think it's that odd that only 3 months in she is keeping her social life pretty active and has a lot going on outside of the relationship. My thinking (my hope) would be that as the relationship progresses into something more long-term, you will get more time together and eventually move in together. There needs to be some sort of balance in the long run where she can keep an active social life with her friends while dating you. It definitely can't be one or the other but maybe she is taking time now to put the relationship into perspective and figure out how to balance everything.

[Fudgie]

Yeah I meant like.... I guess it's an ldr but not in the sense like they are states apart.

 

I honestly think you could see her more than 2x a month. It's only an hour and a half. You could take turns on who goes to see whom. I've driven 6 hours just to spend 2 days with my boyfriend when I'm at school. When you're committed, it's not a big deal given you have the time and gas money.

[Anonymous122]

Well, I broke up with her. In the middle of trying to discuss it, she left to go spend time with friends. I don't think she did anything wrong, but she's just not right for me.

[lady00]

It sounds like she wanted more freedom to do things outside of the relationship. I have never really been in an LDR so maybe things are different in LDRs vs. other relationships, but I would not expect so much only 3 months into a relationship...I would expect it to happen over a much longer period of time. That may just be me though.