Moving Too Fast?????????????

[notgivingup]

Preview

What is the definition of moving too fast? I know that everybody does their own definition of it, but I just want to know what you guys think of the particular situation that I am currently in. I know that for some having sex within the first month of the relationship is considered moving too fast while it is doing anything that makes you uncomfortable for others. And some just says it depends on the people and on the relationship that they are in.

 

Background

My boyfriend and I share a lot of commonalities; including one of our insecurities. The only thing that we don’t share is our taste in music. Anyways, he has always been a step ahead on our relationship than me; meaning he is certain of his feelings for him sooner than me and in his mind we have been together for a month instead of 17 days. He’s considered me as his girlfriend after our first kiss when I don’t admit to being in any relationship without the actual popping of “can you be my girlfriend?” question. We started talking about first, second, third, home base and porn soon into our relationship. The topic of he has been giving more than I have popped up and in reality that is true, I have been holding back. A lot of the stuff in my past is still bothering me and he knows. We have a pretty open and honest relationship where we can talk about a lot of things, even though a few improvements can still be made here and there. I have questioned, doubted, and disregarded his love for me many times; I refuse to believe in his love for me which have already made him cry on two occasions. I have to admit I really do feel bad about that. I do try to fight my inability to trust and believe in his love for me, and have been making more progress as each day goes by.

 

Current Situation

The big break happened two days ago. I wrote him a one and half page letter in which I spilled my guts to him on; some of the questions, insecurities, fears, worries, hopes (just to name a few) and gave it to him as soon as we got to his house. I got to meet his step dad, one of his step brothers, his brother and mother; we just spent a few hours there, but we were happy together. Soon we kissed and made out and sooner rather than later things started to get out of hand. He told me sorry I don’t want to be a perv and don’t mean to disrespect you and I retorted with no it is okay today is as good a day for me to start getting over my past and focus on us. We were intimate with each other; fingering and my first hand job happened, and that was it. I was not comfortable at the moment for I am very shy with stuff like that, but I did it anyways, he is my boyfriend and I felt like it is my responsibility to fulfill that need. Reasons why this happened include: I feel like he is giving me more and that he feels like I’m not giving him enough (he has already said I love you and I haven’t), I have always made stupid mistakes (bringing baggage from my past into this relationship; comparing past boyfriends and relationships to him and to this relationship), how I have not completely let my past go. I have been tempted to say I love you but is holding back. There have been many times that I have blamed him for something he did not do; like he triggered negative memories from my past that he did not have prior knowledge about. I even accused him of using me and wanting only sex from me for god’s sake. He is afraid of being used and having his feelings toyed with and so am I. I feel closer to him after this incident as it probably does for him too, I was out with my girl friends yesterday; I was not allowed to call him on the phone and I missed him on crazy. I feel more attached to him for some reason; been thinking about him more and missing him more.

 

A Future for Us?

Will there be a future for us? He is so modernized and I am just a traditional girl. One who is unhappy and uncomfortable with my boyfriend watching porn; one who wants to wait for sex to happen, will we make it? Can he respect my wishes to give up porn and wait to have sex with me at the same time? Or are we doomed to fail? Can we come up with a compromise that we are both happy with?

 

P.S. We are very happy with each other. We plan to meet up today. I have plans to have a serious private conversation with him.

[savignon]

No one can predict if you'll have a long or successful future together....you've only been dating a matter of weeks whether you take his definition of the relationship or yours. The red flags for me are not that he likes porn but that he's cried about your relationship on more than one occasion in just a month and that you doubt that he genuinely cares for you (why wouldn't he? and why put so much pressure on it this early in the relationship?) Talking about such serious things so early and over and over again to the degree of crying and letter writing when your relationship is so young makes it seem like you're not enjoying the fun parts of being in a relationship. You say "things got out of hand" which suggests you were uncomfortable with the level of physical activity going on that day.

The fact that he watches porn doesn't make him a bad guy or a pervert, but it might be something that makes you uncompatible as a couple if he continues that and you remain unhappy and uncomfortable with it. Time will tell if he respects your wishes to hold off on sex until you're ready. If he keeps pushing the issue, then you'll be able to conclude that he does not respect your desire to wait. Having sex with him sooner will not result in him giving up porn. They rarely have to do with each other.

You say you are unhappy and uncomfortable but then that you're "Very happy with each other". What are you planning on bringing up during your serious private conversation with him today?

Again, in summary, the red flag to me is that this all seems so "heavy" so early on in the relationship. It sounds like you're both very young and should be enjoying things more at this stage without all the drama/tears/letters/serious talks.

Just my two cents.

Best wishes.

[notgivingup]

Hi Savignon,

 

Thanks for your two cents. He has just gotten out of a four and a half year relationship with a girl that he loves deeply (someone that he could possibly spend the rest of his life with) and he has cried tears over this relationship because he really is in love with me and is afraid of losing me. Both of us have been used and both of our feelings have been toyed with in the past, he is really to fall in love and trust me; however, I am more hesitant and reluctant to trust another's feelings for me. I keep letting my past come back to haunt me because I have not let it go yet. My hesitation and reluctance to believe his love for me is what made him cry. My inexperience in the dating world is another. I agree with you that I am putting a lot of pressure on this early on in the relationship; however that has nothing to do with him, I am the problem. I am afraid of getting hurt again so I keep testing him and his love for me. You are right he has no reason to fake his feelings for me. It is just something I have to get over eventually. As for the physical activity part, yes, I have to admit I was a little bit uncomfortable with it, but it has nothing to do with the relationship that we have now. The uncomfortable part came mostly from memories that still haunts me from the past; engaging in the physical activity part actually made us closer together. He does not push the issue of porn at all; he told me that he is willing to give it up if I am not comfortable with him watching it. As for the letter writing; that is the best way that I know how to express myself, it is something that I plan to do less of. As for sex, he is willing to wait until we are both ready for it; can he do so even if he gives up porn is the million dollar question. I know watching porn is something that a lot of people do and it does not make him a bad guy or a perv. The topics of discussion on the agenda include his insecurities, my insecurities, porn, what happened two days ago and how I am considering going on third base with him (oral sex) cuz I told him I hate it and will not engage in it. I see this serious talks as opportunities for us to grow stronger as a couple and I want these to happen sooner rather than later in our relationship, I am really happy with him, I want to have fun with him and have these serious talks with him at the same time. It is just something that I want and value in a relationship (especially in this one).

 

Notgivingup

[ToF]

I think you guys are taking this way too seriously.

 

You've been together for barely over two weeks, right? Shouldn't you still be going out on dates, talking, asking questions and just getting to know each other? If you're in love, that's great! I do think it's possible to love someone that quickly. But you're killing that love by stifling it. The more pressure you put on the relationship, the worse it's going to get. Let it BREATHE.

 

You guys just barely started dating. This seems like a very complicated, serious, and high-pressure situation because you guys are MAKING it that way. Take a step back, and remember that this is supposed to be the fun part.

 

*I'd like to comment on the fact that he just got out of a very long and serious relationship. Tread VERY carefully here. Getting involved with someone so soon after a long-term relationship is very risky in itself, let alone with all the other problems you've named so far.

[Stay_home]

Relationships should be healthy, fun and a process in which two people are continually growing and learning. Not that there won't be hard times, frowns and tough spots that you just have to get over, but in all the good should outweigh the bad. And we've all got baggage. That's something that deep down inside we bring with us into relationships; whether or on purpose or not.

 

The most important piece of the puzzle of love is that you have to be ready to accept; ready to receive and also ready to give. And sometimes baggage can prevent you from doing that if you don't control it. Luckily things are still pretty early for you and you've taken a step a trying to improve upon that. Continue to.

 

Last but not least, there's no need to rush. When you rush, sometimes you miss very important details because you're not paying attention. It wouldn't be right of me to question your love for each other at only a month into the relationship so I'm not going to go there. Don't feel under pressure to be in love with somebody, if you aren't really feeling that way. It has to be a natural response and hopefully that'll come in time.

[notgivingup]

Hi Tof,

 

Thanks for the advice. I can understand your concern of us taking things way too seriously, I tend to do that and have a pattern of doing so in the past. That is something that I am trying to get out of the habit in doing. What do you mean by "treading very carefully" here? Why is it risky to get involved with someone who just got out of a long term relationship?

 

Notgivingup

[Ms Darcy]

After being with my bf for a few years now, I barely remember the stuff that happened in the first month of dating. If you want something to last, it helps to keep things slow and not too serious at the beginning. Let things unfold naturally with time. IF he's supposed to be with you for the long-run, well then he's not going to go anywhere so no need to rush. You can just assess his actions and decide in a few months if he's really the guy you want (without trying to change or judge him).

[notgivingup]

Hi 2 sided coin,

 

Thank you for the advice. I will continue to improve on myself so I could be a better person and a better girlfriend. I will try not to rush into anything with him, even if he is ready for it and I am not. I do agree with you that everything in a relationship should come naturally and not be forced upon.

 

Notgivingup

[notgivingup]

Hi Ms Darcy,

 

Thank you for the advice. I will try to keep things slow and not take things too seriously from this point forward. I will try to let things happen naturally instead of forcing it to happen. Either one of us is in any rush to go anywhere. I know that I have a lot to work on when it comes to accepting him for who he is without trying to change or judge him.

 

Notgivingup

 

After being with my bf for a few years now, I barely remember the stuff that happened in the first month of dating. If you want something to last, it helps to keep things slow and not too serious at the beginning. Let things unfold naturally with time. IF he's supposed to be with you for the long-run, well then he's not going to go anywhere so no need to rush. You can just assess his actions and decide in a few months if he's really the guy you want (without trying to change or judge him).

[ToF]

Hi Tof,

 

Thanks for the advice. I can understand your concern of us taking things way too seriously, I tend to do that and have a pattern of doing so in the past. That is something that I am trying to get out of the habit in doing. What do you mean by "treading very carefully" here? Why is it risky to get involved with someone who just got out of a long term relationship?

 

Notgivingup

 

What exactly are you doing to try to break your "habit" of taking things too seriously? Are you actually taking active steps to stop these thought patterns, or are you hoping it will go away on its own?

 

He was with her for four years ... I can tell you that it would take a very long time to heal from something like that. Did he dump her or vice versa?

 

Think about it. Why is this so serious so fast? It may be because that level of commitment and "seriousness" is what he is used to after his last relationship. He hasn't had time to fully detach himself from that relationship and that way of thinking.

[notgivingup]

Hi ToF,

 

I am actively taking steps to better myself and as a girlfriend to "go with the flow", something that I was not able to do in any of my past relationships. I try to overanalyze, overworry, overquestion things with our relationship, I try to believe and trust him more, I try to prevent my past (baggage from my past) from affecting my current relationship now, to name just a few of the things that I am doing. I do not and am not naive enough to think that my thought patterns will change and go away over time. As for his relationship, she broke up with him. They were high school sweethearts, she broke things off with him because she was about to move away for college and assumed that a long distance relationship would not work. It has been six months since the break up and he has told me that he is over her. That is a really good point that you just made, I have not thought about it in that way. Maybe you are right; that he has not gotten detached from that seriousness and commitment from his past relationship; and that maybe we are moving too fast. And if that is true, what should I do?

 

Notgivingup

 

What exactly are you doing to try to break your "habit" of taking things too seriously? Are you actually taking active steps to stop these thought patterns, or are you hoping it will go away on its own?

 

He was with her for four years ... I can tell you that it would take a very long time to heal from something like that. Did he dump her or vice versa?

 

Think about it. Why is this so serious so fast? It may be because that level of commitment and "seriousness" is what he is used to after his last relationship. He hasn't had time to fully detach himself from that relationship and that way of thinking.

[ToF]

I'm glad you're trying to address the things about yourself that you're not satisfied with. But if you're trying to change so that you can be a better girlfriend, it's not going to work. That change needs to happen for yourself and only for yourself, or else it just won't stick.

 

Six months is not a long time at all. He might be over her completely, but after being committed to someone else for so long, it takes time to detach oneself from the mindset of "serious relationship". He may be trying to subconsciously turn what you guys have into something that resembles what he had with his ex, hence the hyper-seriousness and quick "I love you"'s, etc. It doesn't necessarily mean that it's not genuine ... but it does de-value it a little, at least in my opinion. He's not giving you his full self, but rather a "serious relationship" version of himself. He's had six months to recover from the heartbreak of losing his ex, but he hasn't had any time to live as a single man.

 

Do you see where I'm going with this?

 

I don't mean to worry you more, but it's just something to consider. As far as what you should do now ... I would back off. You're obviously concerned with the way things are going (or else you wouldn't be posting about it here), so slow it down yourself. Personally, I wouldn't want to be involved with someone who just got out of a relationship. The vast majority of the time, it just ends up ... messy. Take a look through the forums here and I'm sure you'll find evidence of that.

 

Ultimately, the choice is yours.

[resilient7]

"PERSONALLY I WOULDN'T BE INVOLVED WITH SOMEONE WHO JUST GOT OUT OF A RELATIONSHIP" I really needed that advice 2 years ago

[notgivingup]

Hi ToF,

 

Thanks for the advice. I am not only changing to be a better girlfriend, I am trying to change and be a better person as well. I am making these changes personally for myself. As for the whole six months thing; you are right, that isn't a long time and maybe he really isn't detached from the mindset of a serious relationship yet. You might be right that he isn't giving me his full self and that he is just giving me his "serious relationship" part of himself, I don't know. I am really confused right now. What does having time to live as a single man have to do with anything? Yeah, you have seriously got me worried and now I am questioning whether or not I got bite into something that is too much for me to chew. You are right, I am somewhat concerned with how things are at the moment. I really don't know whether or not to stay in this relationship based on the advice that you just gave me. Thank you for giving me something to think about.

 

Notgivingup

[notgivingup]

Hi resilient7,

 

I am just plain confused right now and I don't know what to do. I know that everyone is different but then if so many people on this forum has experienced this and it all ended up messy it must be true right?

 

Notgivingup

 

"PERSONALLY I WOULDN'T BE INVOLVED WITH SOMEONE WHO JUST GOT OUT OF A RELATIONSHIP" I really needed that advice 2 years ago

[ToF]

Notgivingup,

 

How many relationships have you had? You don't have to answer me here, but just think about it. It doesn't seem like you've had a lot of experience, and I don't mean that as an insult in any way. This is one of those "lessons" that most people have to learn the hard way, I think. It doesn't seem like him having a chance to be single is important, but it really is. Otherwise, you wouldn't be encountering these problems. Being single after coming out of a long relationship gives you time to rebuild your life, so that when you do meet someone special, you will be a whole and healed person again. He hasn't had very much time at all to do that.

 

Just talk to that. Tell him your concerns, and see if you can just back off a little bit. You guys are making things way more dramatic than they need to be. It's generally not a good idea to get so attached to someone so quickly.

[notgivingup]

Hey ToF,

 

I am not going to tell you how many relationships I have been in in the past, but I will tell you that I have not had a lot of experience in the dating world. Especially when it comes to long term relationships; all of mines have been short (the longest was six months). Thank you for opening up my eyes to the importance of building a life having time to rebuild your life after getting out of a long term relationship. I have noticed signs that he might not have fully recovered or healed from the hurt that his ex girlfriend has caused him. I don't know whether he is just an emotional guy or the thought of me leaving him after falling in love with me got him all teary eyed; that is something I have not been able to determine that. It does concern me that he is able to fall in love with me and say "I love you" in such short a time, even though he fell in love within a matter of weeks too. There are probably other signs that he is not a whole and healed person yet. We have not been able to talk on the phone yet due to the fact that he feels awkward being on the phone when other people are around. That bothers me. It is very interesting that some of the same things that attracted me to him in the first place are the same things that bother me also. Sigh.

 

Notgivingup

[No1]

Its been less than a month? What happened to dating? To going out to the movies, and dinners, bowling, having fun!! It sounds like you skipped all that and went straight to looking for furnature for your shared appartment. Its been a month or worse, less than a month. You do have a habit of going into a relationship instead of the fun of dating. I think you are so deathly afraid that you wont find another guy that you want to cling on to any guy who shows you affection like a ring tailed lemer monkey! And he is not over his relationship that he is projecting his love for his X on you because you are willing to accept it.

R E L A X! the first few months are fun! laughing, teasing, finding out what eachother like. Of course you are going to argue with me and say you two have a special bond and etc, but in reality. You two know less about one another than two people dating. You are already going to have a private and serious conversation and it hasnt been more than 2 months. Im happy that you are happy. But relax, keep things lite, enjoy. These should be the fun times of dating...If you dont want to say I love you back, then dont, dont be guilted into it.

[resilient7]

thumps up for improving upon yourself and for making a much better version of your former self.