A breakup in progress, I am so lost.

[justaglimmer]

Hey everyone, I'm new to this forum so this is my first post. I'm seeking advice from others because I am very lost and very hurt at the moment. I appreciate any feedback, the story is kind of lengthy but its something that has me very confused.

 

My boyfriend and I have technically only been together for about 4 months, but we had a history before that. He kept trying to convince me to date him, but I got us off to a bad start because I was just coming out of another dysfunctional relationship and my head/heart just wasn't intact. He holds it against me all the time for hurting him in the past, but its like no matter how hard I try to convince him that I'm trying to make up for it and be something amazing for him, he just doesn't see. He says he has no room for B.S in his life, but its really more like no room for error. Nobody can be perfect, but I'm trying so hard. Anything I do that rubs him even slightly the wrong way, he's mad at me and pulling the silent treatment sometimes for days. Literally, no room for error. Just yesterday he took the day off work so we could try to get back to us and have a day of holiday shopping and he was immediately criticizing me while we were out.. talking about how he'd dress me differently because I was wearing fitted jeans and he doesn't like a girl who "shows off" in public, as well as the makeup I was wearing. I told him that makeup is just something I enjoy and helps me feel more polished, that I use it to "enhance" how i feel about myself. He said he sees makeup as a girl trying to "show off" and "hide her real face". I was hurt by his comments but I decided to let it go and try to have a decent evening.

 

At the end of the evening we stopped by a Petsmart store. I needed to pick up something for my dog. We stumbled by the adoption center and I saw this adorable little puppy who i fell in love with immediately. I really wanted to give him a home. He was so precious and I just absolutely lit up when I saw him, I'm definitely an animal lover. This seemed to entertain my boyfriend and he smiled and laughed and told me to just get him if I wanted him that badly. I decided to spend the night thinking on it, and we left the store. We had a long drive home and i mentioned the pup a time or 2. It seemed like everything was fine. We don't live together or anything so before we parted ways last night to go home, we were very intimate with each other and it seemed like a nice end to a nice evening.

 

I texted him today before he had to go to work and told him that my parents disapproved of me bringing another dog home (I live with them at the moment while I'm going to college) and I told him that even though it broke my heart, maybe it was for the best. He replied with "yeah, it was kinda a slap in the face when we were on the way home last night and you wouldn't hush about that dog when we were trying to spend the evening with each other.".. I replied with "Hey, Im sorry I didnt mean to make you feel like i was more interested in that puppy than you. I love you and you are my main focus always." He didnt reply back. Then I tried to call him and he ended up turning his phone off. He went on into work without saying bye for the day or anything. I thought we were fine last night, he seemed happy. What is wrong here? Am I going crazy, Am I at fault for the puppy situation? Am I fighting a losing battle? Sorry this was so lengthy, I am just really hurt right now and would appreciate the feedback so much.

[SapphireNoir10]

He sounds like a lot of hard work. After four months hes still holding resentment for the past.

 

I would dump him so fast he wouldnt see it coming. How dare he critisize what you wear, and then punish you for getting excited over a puppy by ignoring you?

 

If a girlfriend was telling you this, what would you say???

 

You deserve a LOT more.

[ImGrowing]

I'm not sure what you do to contribute to this relationship, but I'm assuming you're not perfect, just like everyone else. But, your boyfriend has some issues of his own. He seems to be jealous of you. My ex boyfriend was like that. He didn't like me to dress up or work out. From what I gather, he seems to have a toxic personality, and he chooses to be with you, because you don't seem very confrontational. You let it slide, and he takes advantage of that.

 

You have to decide how you want to be treated and what you expect from a long term relationship. I think you need to let him know what you think of his behavior, but be prepared for him to blame you for it. If he doesn't want to find a happy medium, and suggests that YOU do all the changing, then you have to bail.... and quick!

[BasicBrian]

Hi there, just read your post and decided to offer some advice. It doesn't sound like the problem is you, dear...it sounds like the problem is him. I highly doubt that this has anything to do with the fact that the initial circumstances of your relationship were rocky. He sounds like he's trying to hold you to the ideal of what HIS idea of what a woman should be like, when he should love you for who you are, makeup and all.

 

My advice to you? Be honest with him. Tell him that you can't change who you are or what happened in the past, and if he is so unhappy with things that he has to keep holding it over your head then maybe it's best that you part ways. It takes two to make a relationship work, and if he's constantly belittling you while you try your best to make him happy you're just going to go 'round and 'round in circles. It sounds like this dude has some issues he needs to work out with himself anyways, and he can't hope to make you happy until then.

[ForumGuy]

He replied with "yeah, it was kinda a slap in the face when we were on the way home last night and you wouldn't hush about that dog when we were trying to spend the evening with each other

Sounds like he sits around thinking of things to complain about. I think you should back off from him and let him decide if he wants to put more effort into being happy rather than unhappy. He sounds like an unhappy person in general and by making something good into something bad (the puppy incident) he is dragging you into his unhappiness.

[dr_loomis7]

I'm just going to echo what sapphire and growing said but it sounds like he has some anger issues he needs to get over before he can be happy. I'm also wondering this: does this guy ever admit when he is wrong or apologize for some of the things he says?

 

My advice, you haven't been in a relationship with this guy for long and it may be good to cut ties now. If not, then throughout the rest of the relationship, this is what you have to look forward to.

[justaglimmer]

Thank you everyone for your thoughts, it is very appreciated. Its true that he never admits to being wrong about anything. I hate his belittling and how he makes me feel like I can't do anything right. I hate the silent treatment and the way he doesn't stop to understand that I hurt over his actions. On paper, he's actually what someone would consider a good man. A former marine, has a great job, has plans to go far in life. In the relationship with me however, he's always bringing me down. Even when I tell him that I didn't mean to upset him and to please not let another useless fight happen. I know it is an unhealthy relationship, but I keep playing the times in my head in the beginning when he made me feel like I was the most beautiful girl in the world, he made me feel so wanted. Now that he got me, and I'm putting forth an effort and tell him all the time how much he means to me.. its not enough. I can't stand the thought of a breakup, it scares me so bad. I know how much they hurt.. how you wait by the phone hoping they'll call and apologize and beg you back.. and that call usually never comes. I know that some days are worse than others. And now, the holidays are coming, and I would be missing him, wishing we could be spending Christmas together. It's like i'm going to be in a world of hurt with either path I choose, and I guess thats the hardest part

[diamond78]

Honestly, I would get out of this relationship before you get stuck in something that I can see will only get worse.

 

His behaviors are totally inappropriate and he seems to be a bit of a Drama Queen. It's only been 4 months and the controlling behaviors are already out. I have no doubt it will only escalate moving forward. If you value yourself enough, you will gather the strength to leave. You know this isn't a healthy relationship for you. It'll be easier to leave now than much later when you are even more attached to him.

[ImGrowing]

Do you think you deserve what you're going through? Or do you think you deserve better?

[justaglimmer]

I do think I deserve better, it's just so hurtful the way he makes me feel like I'm always the one at fault. I keep thinking that if I just try harder, someway somehow he'll stop belittling me. But the truth is that I've done so much already to show him.. I always make time for him, I'm always there to pick up the phone when he calls or texts, I never give him any reason to worry (don't go out anymore unless its with him or family), always telling him sweet/amazing things about how much I care. When we first got together, he complained that I wasn't very affectionate. I told him to just give me time, that I take things slow in the beginning. Now I'm always wrapping my arms around him and kissing him and show him plenty of affection, yet he always finds something new to fault me for. Its very draining. I've given him plenty of opportunities to just leave if thats what he wants, but somehow we always try to make up. Things go well for a few days, then he's mad at me again for something and i'm left shaking my head in confusion. Its hard to leave because I'm already attached, but at this point, there seems to be no other choice.

[dr_loomis7]

He sounds like a narcissist (hence the reason I asked about him ever admitting wrong, I had a feeling I knew the answer): always right, nothing is good enough for them, self-centered. These types of people are very hard to be in a relationship with because it is next to impossible for them to see when they are wrong, and it is frequently turned around on the other person. This would also explain the reason why you do so much and it doesn't seem to change anything.

 

You seem like a very committed, loving person, be careful who you let have the gift that is your heart because they may take it for granted.

[justaglimmer]

Today has been a really bad day trying to deal with this. I can't eat and I just feel numb. I got so angry that I ended up calling him at work and he kept a cool tone at first. I asked him what the hell happened this morning, and why didn't he address his "current issue" with me last night instead of today. He said "well it wouldn't have done me any good.. you would have just gave me the same crap about how you didn't mean to hurt me blah blah blah". I said "well I didnt mean to hurt you! and I only mentioned that puppy a couple of times." he said "Oh bull****, you wouldn't shut up about the damn thing and I wasn't your focus at all anymore"... then he said that he had to get off the phone because his supervisor was there, and instead of the usual "I'll talk to you later" he says "My supervisor is here so i'm gonna go ahead and get off here" I snapped and said "What? you're not going to say that you'll talk to me later?" In which he hung up on me. He hangs up on me often. I'm so mad I feel like just not even talking about it with him anymore, just going NC and disappearing on him since I'm so bad in his eyes, I guess I'd be doing him a favor. What do you all think?

[SapphireNoir10]

You need to get out of this relationship.

 

It isnt healthy, or fulfilling by the sounds of it and he sounds like has no respect for you because he KNOWS he can get away with whatever he wants (putting the phone down) and you'll take him back.

[justaglimmer]

Well we fought back and forth through texting last night and today, nothing was resolved and the breakup is definitely happening. I don't understand why it's so hard for me to go through this breakup with him. We've only been together technically for 4 months, and I was once in a 4 year relationship.. and the breakup after the 4 year relationship was somehow easier to accept. I guess I feel like things are ending prematurely. I'm really so good to him and have so much love for him, and I thought I was everything he needed, and becoming even better with time. While he really never does admit to wrongdoings, and acts as if its fine if I leave.. this wasn't always the case. In the beginning he was absolutely amazing, I thought he'd be the man I marry. He was constantly telling me his feelings for me were so strong, and now he makes me feel like I'm disposable, a "F*** up" as he likes to call me. He's very high in his thoughts and set in his ways, but there are times that he'll be down on himself because he feels like he's not very physically attractive, while at the same time he would always brag about my looks and say that I was "flawless" on the outside, but that I needed work on my personality. Now I'm the first to admit when I'm wrong and ask for forgiveness, but my personality is just fine, sure everyone has imperfections they can work on.. but I'm good to him and not out getting into any trouble, never giving him a reason to worry. I always compliment him and do/say little things. I guess its so hard because I can't understand why he can't accept me. Plus the fact that he tried so hard to get me to date him, and when I finally did give him a chance, suddenly I wasn't good enough. It just really hurts. Thanks again everyone for your feedback, its really helpful right now.

[SapphireNoir10]

Trust me. You might hurt for a little bit. But imagine spending the rest of your life with this guy? He would constantly be berrating you for EVERYTHING and sulking with you, you'd always be walking on eggshells and he'd probaby get worse and worse.

 

If hes called you a 'f*** up' well Iwould have left him at that point.

 

THIS is how these men work ,they reel you in with charm, kindness and love, its emotional abuse, then they get worse and worse.

 

It isnt that your not good enough. HES Not good enough or healthy enough to be in an adult relationship where you treat the other person with respect.