Feeling... behind.

[MattW]

Where do I even begin, with this...? Well, like the title says, I'm just feeling... behind, I guess would be the easiest way to put it. Maybe it's just because my birthday is coming up in a few days, and I'll be 22, and I always feel down around my birthday because I'm usually alone (aside from some family) at the time, and it feels like the years are just starting to pass me by.

 

It's just a combination of so many things, I guess. Like, recently, I've been looking at a bunch of people I went to grade school or high school with, on Facebook, and they just seem so... grown up. This girl, that I've pretty much been in love with since we were kids, she's finishing up her degree in education, and she's already doing some substitute teaching. She's got a steady boyfriend of about nine months. Even though I pretty much blew my chance with her, and even though I know there's next to no chance I'll have another chance to be with her, there's always been a little part of me that just kept hoping maybe one day we'd be back in each others lives, and something could still come of it, but it's really starting to hit me just how far apart we really are.

 

It's not even just that, either. The guy who was practically my best friend through all of grade school and most of high school is also nearing the end of his engineering education, and he's already got an entry level position with a company.

 

What do I have? I started college a year later than the rest of my graduating class, so I'm already at least a year behind everyone else to graduate (probably more...). I've switched my major countless times because I can't figure out what I really want to do. I'm in my third year of community college, working towards one of their associates degrees, which doesn't make me feel much better, because most seem to indicate that that's almost worthless compared to a bachelors degree from a "real" college (so I feel like what I'm doing now doesn't even really matter).

 

I'm working a crummy part time retail job, where I'm almost always forced to be a cashier, making barely above minimum wage. I'm still living at home with my mom and dad, because I don't have enough money to get my own place. The closest thing I have to friends is my coworkers, and even then, outside of work, my contact with them is pretty limited. I've never even been on a date, let alone had a girlfriend (to make matters even worse, my sister indicated to me that my 14 year old niece is already sexually active, which kind of embarrasses me a little to know that my niece, who's eight years younger than me, is already experiencing stuff I've never come close to experiencing, before she's even mature enough to handle it).

 

Nothing is like what I imagined it. All through grade school and high school, I was always near the top of my class. Most of my peers really expected me to become something. Hell, I expected me to become something. I really thought I'd know what I'd want to do with my life, that I'd have close friends, that I'd date and find someone special.

 

I feel like such a... well, loser. I've been trying so hard, for the last few years, to find some kind of direction for myself, to at least set my sights on some kind of career goal, but I just can't make a connection to anything. Everyone around me is growing up, moving forward with their lives, creating lives for themselves. Meanwhile, I'm getting older, but I'm virtually no better off than I was 5-10 years ago.

 

I know that it's up to us, as individuals, to take action to work towards the lives we want for ourselves, but that's the problem... I don't know "where" I want to go. Without some general direction, it's hard to push forward, because I don't know what I'm actually working towards.

 

I'm really sorry this post got so long-winded... I guess I needed to vent a bit... But I'm just really at such a loss as to how to get my life together, and it's horribly depressing. I'm so disappointed in myself, but I just don't know how to fix it.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I bet your 14 year old niece will also have a baby long before you..perhaps by the time she is 15 she will be pregnant....hardly something to aspire to. By the age of 18 she will already have been around the block many times, maybe STDs, maybe pregancy and abortion, used by horny teenage boys and very jaded about relationships because she never learned how to actually have a proper relationship. So I would not be looking to her experiences as anything worth looking at.

 

What is more important is that you sort out what you want to do with your life..a career plan. Sometimes the people who are slow to start are the ones who end up further ahead in the long run.

[MattW]

Hah, well, as far as my niece goes, I'm not "aspiring" to make the bad decisions she probably will, but it's pretty disappointing to know that, despite being at a higher level of maturity and responsibility, I can't even have the chance to have a little fun for myself, while being smarter and safer about it than my younger counterparts. Besides, like I said, that's only a smaller part of the issue; I agree with you, that I need some kind of direction in life. I just can't seem to find it, and I don't know how.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Hah, well, as far as my niece goes, I'm not "aspiring" to make the bad decisions she probably will, but it's pretty disappointing to know that, despite being at a higher level of maturity and responsibility, I can't even have the chance to have a little fun for myself, while being smarter and safer about it than my younger counterparts. Besides, like I said, that's only a smaller part of the issue; I agree with you, that I need some kind of direction in life. I just can't seem to find it, and I don't know how.

 

Many of the people your age and even my age and older are not very mature and smart when it comes to sex...they focus more on the fun and not the responsibility..and some think the only responsiblity they have is a condom and once you have a condom then the fun begins and there is nothing else to think about except the fun. Then they find out the hard way (no pun intended)...that there is more responsibility to sex than just having a condom.

[-John-]

I can really relate to this. I'm like you, except I'm 25. We just need to stop comparing ourselves to other people and get on living our lives.

[thejigsup]

While I am definitely not a proponent of babies having babies, I started having sex at 16 and was very mature about it. I never got pregnant, I made sure of that, never took the guy too seriously until I was older, and learned how to really enjoy sex. It worked for me. Just because you are young and having sex does not mean you will have a bad ending. If you are careful and smart, there is nothing wrong with it. As far as your life goes, you are just a baby yourself and have many years left to decide what you want to be when you grow up. Relax.

[MattW]

Just because you are young and having sex does not mean you will have a bad ending.

 

Heh, well, I'm not... er, "active", but I agree with you. Just to clarify to anyone else, when I was talking about "having fun" in that connotation, I wasn't implying that I wanted to be real promiscuous, have multiple sex partners, do crazy kinky stuff, etc. Just that it'd be nice to have one special person in my life where fun and sex are one of the many aspects of the relationship. Just felt like clearing that up.

 

As far as being young, yeah, I guess... But it's not so much that I'm JUST comparing myself to the people around me; it's that, I've had these expectations and goals for myself for a while, now, and I've failed to live up to them. The fact that the people around me are flying right past me only makes it that much harder, to me. I'm very disappointed in myself, and in the life I've made for myself, but I just don't know how to change it. I wish I had some kind of identity, something to at least work towards, but I don't even have that.

[breath.o.fresh.air]

I've had these expectations and goals for myself for a while, now, and I've failed to live up to them. The fact that the people around me are flying right past me only makes it that much harder, to me. I'm very disappointed in myself, and in the life I've made for myself, but I just don't know how to change it. I wish I had some kind of identity, something to at least work towards, but I don't even have that.

 

You say that you have expectations and goals that you've failed to live up to, but what are they? Have you considered doing volunteer work at all? It can be a great way to work in different areas, with no expectations and meet people as well. There are probably a number of societies on campus that you could get involved with as well.

 

As far as starting school late, I did as well and in hindsight, I think it was one of the best decisions I've ever made. It gave me time to grow as a person. Right now, you're comparing yourself to other people but I think it's more a question of who you want to be and how you're going to get there. It doesn't matter if your niece has slept around, or if your best friend just graduated.

 

Also, you sound like a great guy, but lonely. You said you've never dated, but have you asked women out or? You won't get any dates without asking!

[CSLX9]

Well the others have made some solid points.

I'll make mine with a nice quote.

 

“I've missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I've lost almost 300 games. 26 times, I've been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I've failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed.”

Michael Jordan

 

''The mind moves in the direction of our currently dominant thoughts.''

Earl Nightingale

 

''Happiness is a direction, not a place.''

Sydney J. Harris

[MattW]

Also, you sound like a great guy, but lonely. You said you've never dated, but have you asked women out or? You won't get any dates without asking!

 

Eh, weird as it sounds, I can't seem to ever really make a connection with a girl, and I can't develop a personal attraction to any of the girls I meet or come in contact with on a regular basis. It's been bugging me that I'm having this issue, but I think I finally understand the reason; without knowing who I am or who I want to be, I don't really feel confident, or "deserving", to be in a relationship. I'm definitely lonely, but I just feel like such a mess, and such a question mark, that I can't see how any girl would be happy with me.

[enalover143]

You have to know where you're going first before you take the steps to get there. You say, on one hand, that you have "goals and dreams and expectations for yourself" that you haven't lived up to, then on the other hand you say you don't know what you want to do with your life. So which is it? Your first step is very clear and simple (not that doing it is simple, but that you should only see it as one step right now)...figure out WHAT you want to do. Until you know that, none of the other pieces will follow, nor will you know where and how to address your problems. I'd suggest talking to various types of career and school counselors, etc.

[breath.o.fresh.air]

Eh, weird as it sounds, I can't seem to ever really make a connection with a girl, and I can't develop a personal attraction to any of the girls I meet or come in contact with on a regular basis. It's been bugging me that I'm having this issue, but I think I finally understand the reason; without knowing who I am or who I want to be, I don't really feel confident, or "deserving", to be in a relationship. I'm definitely lonely, but I just feel like such a mess, and such a question mark, that I can't see how any girl would be happy with me.

 

Hmmm.. so you are attracted to them physically but not psychologically or? How long have you known these women? I have friends that I have known forever and could never, ever date simply because I've known them way too long. It could just be that you need a change of scenery.

 

However, if it's more a confidence thing than a personality thing, that's a whole other issue. Do you participate in anything outside of school/work? Any clubs or social groups? The only way to learn about yourself is to do stuff you think you might enjoy. Experiencing different things will reveal what you like/don't like, and how different things reflect your values.

 

I might suggest starting by outlining some of the things you want to do/see/experience and what you want to achieve. Once you have that, pick something on your list and DO IT. Create a plan for how you're going to get there and include dates/times/ etc. and then act on it. And be sure to let us at ENA know how it goes

[MattW]

You have to know where you're going first before you take the steps to get there. You say, on one hand, that you have "goals and dreams and expectations for yourself" that you haven't lived up to, then on the other hand you say you don't know what you want to do with your life. So which is it? Your first step is very clear and simple (not that doing it is simple, but that you should only see it as one step right now)...figure out WHAT you want to do. Until you know that, none of the other pieces will follow, nor will you know where and how to address your problems. I'd suggest talking to various types of career and school counselors, etc.

 

I mean that, in my earlier (teen) years, I had expectations for myself. I expected myself to have some kind of passion in life, some kind of career goals, a great group of friends, a nice girlfriend, etc. Here I am, about to turn 22, and I've never had any of those things. I just don't even know what to think anymore. I don't even feel like I know who I am anymore. I don't know what I want, and I don't know how to figure it out. I've talked to some of the counselors at college, in the past, and I've taken a few of those tests that are supposed to show you what you're good at, but none of it really seems to get anywhere with me. It's just not "clicking" for me.

 

Hmmm.. so you are attracted to them physically but not psychologically or? :S How long have you known these women? I have friends that I have known forever and could never, ever date simply because I've known them way too long. It could just be that you need a change of scenery.

 

Well, not even physically. I mean, I'm attracted to women in general on a basic level (meaning, I'm not gay, or anything like that), but I just don't really "notice" them. They don't "notice" me, either, but that's a different issue.

 

Do you participate in anything outside of school/work? Any clubs or social groups? The only way to learn about yourself is to do stuff you think you might enjoy. Experiencing different things will reveal what you like/don't like, and how different things reflect your values.

 

Occasionally, but no so much anymore, because nothing really seems to stick with me.

[breath.o.fresh.air]

I mean that, in my earlier (teen) years, I had expectations for myself. I expected myself to have some kind of passion in life, some kind of career goals, a great group of friends, a nice girlfriend, etc. Here I am, about to turn 22, and I've never had any of those things.

 

You have to work to get those, and it takes time. What types of things have you tried in terms of volunteer work, athletics, clubs and societies? Have you tried getting involved with anything (at least to meet people)? I still think that would be a good place for you to start.

 

You can also consider sitting down and writing down a list of things you want to accomplish at some point, and then go from there. Bucket list style

 

Well, not even physically. I mean, I'm attracted to women in general on a basic level (meaning, I'm not gay, or anything like that), but I just don't really "notice" them.

 

I didn't really notice guys until I started dating. It was like once I started dating I became aware of the more sexual aspects of myself, and in response, guys in general. I've always been friends with guys, so I think I kept that mentality in my head until I started dating. I'm wondering if you're experiencing something similar... idk.

 

I've found those tests and talking to counselors about what to do isn't all that helpful. Maybe talking to them to get a feel for some of the events/activities that are going on would be better.. as opposed to with just general questions. In my experience, having specific questions, and lots of them, is the best way to get information out of counselors.

[TidalWave]

If you don't know what to do with your life, what job you'd like to have and such. Focus on yourself. That's something you know. Make personal growth your goal, and grow in all directions. Maybe even make a plan for it and write it down, break it down to steps, and follow those steps.