Can Someone please help me? I need some advice

[Jyebo]

Hi everyone,

 

I really need some advice and suggestions on my relationship. I'm 23 years old in 2 days and my 25 yr old girlfriend of 2.5 years broke up with me 3 days ago for reasons that I'm really having trouble understanding. I've noticed over the past 4-6months that things weren't how they used to be on her behalf especially sexually, where she hadn't been too interested in having it. I'd asked her why and she never really gave me a straight answer, we decided to have a 2 week break, which was good because we were both in the middle of university exams. Once the two weeks were up i had arranged dinner at her favourite restaurant and booked a hotel room for that night (to get away from our room mates) where i made it very romantic with oils, rose petals etc, this seemed to fix the problem for a little while.

 

Anyway 3 days ago she begins to tell me what is now wrenching my stomach and not allowing me to eat anything but fruit! She said that something is not right in our relationship and its not how it used to be, she then went on to say that the chemistry has gone and she feels that we need to break up. She also went on to tell me that she still loves me a lot, enjoys my company, personality, that we have many things in common, and all those aspects which make relationships work. She also said that she couldn't ask for a better boyfriend, and becuase of this believes that i deserve better. I told her that I love so much that i want to try and fix this and that i would prefer to be with her not being as affectionate, than breaking up. But she insisted on breaking up, which i could see was hard for her as she was crying heavily. I was obviously upset with this and begged her not to do this, as we never fight and really enjoy being with each other. I also told her that i thought it was normal for couples after a certain amount of time lose some of the chemistry, she replid by saying that other people weren't us. I tried to convince her that we should stay together for all of the good aspects and work through this, and that i would be willing to try anything to stay together, but being as stubbon as she is, would not back down.

 

Since this time i've not been able to go to work or really even leave the house, i have friends here to keep me company but, nothing really compares to the love of your life. I decided to write her a letter telling how i feel and how much i love her and how she has impacted on my life and that I would try and give her the time she needs to sort things out, and that i would wait as long as necessary for her. From the response i got, it feels as though, at this point in time she is not willing to get back toegther, but really wants to remain close friends. Over these few days i've realised how much more i love her than what i really knew, so much so that i've been searching the internet for answers on how to get her back. I've read many websites and seen a lot of information on how the relationship cycle has 3 phases: 1 - lust, 2 - attraction and 3 - attachment. I'm thinking that we're at the 3rd level and this is the reason why the chemistry/attraction isn't as strong as it used to be. I want to get back with my girlfriend more than anything, so i've saved all the information that i believe relates to us and i am thinking of showing this to her, and telling her that I would prefer if we just had a break with no real time commitment, this will atleast let her know that i'm still here and keep the relationship alive. Can anyone offer me any advice on this?

 

Thanks

 

P.S. long story, i know!

[zpivat]

G'day mate,

 

My first impression was "isn't that the notorious I-need-some-space thingy?".

 

You were right when you said that after some amount of time, chemistry may "wear out". Perhaps you two have been way too close with each other? Spending too much time together?

 

If so, the following might help:

link removed

 

Start doing NC (No Contact), stay strong, don't give up, and GOOD LUCK!

[bumshkin]

First, you need to let her know that you agree with her that the chemistry is not the same and that breaking-up is the best thing to do. I know it goes against what you are feeling right now, but if you validate her feelings she will respect you. AND remember - people want what they cant have. If you tell her that you agree with her on breaking-up automatically she will be on your side again. I guarantee it!!! As hard as it may be to do this, you also have to stop contacting her. Dont call her, dont write any emails and dont tell her you love her, because the more you push to keeping the relationship alive, the further you will push her away.

 

Another thing, do whatever it takes or whatever she asks of you to move-on. Let her know that the faster you can get over this the better. I know it has only been a few days since you broke up and it may seem like it has been years since you have been together, but put this aside and focus on validating her needs. She needs to be away from you. So let her go. She will come back sooner or later...Just let things be, and give her time. And make it seem like you want this too. The more she sees you distancing yourself from her, the more she will want to come back.

 

People want what they cant have like I said before. If you show her that you are against the break up she will distance herself further and further away from you. But if you show her that you want the break-up just as much as she does then she will feel almost as if you are rejecting her. Give it time, and I also suggest no contact. Dont tell her how you feel!!! Try going a month without contacting her. In that month do everything you can do that will make you happy. Smile, even if you dont feel like it, and be confident even if you dont feel it either. Eventually you regain your strength!! AND most importanly begin to realize that you DONT need her to be happy!

 

Read my post on Steps to winning their heart back.

 

I know this sounds like it wont work, but I can tell you from experience that it will!!!!

 

GOOD LUCK!

[Jyebo]

I really appreciate both of your inputs, it has helped put things into perspective, I noticed that you both say to leave her alone for some time, but what if my chances of getting her back are now? I'd never forgive myself if i left it too late, i know there are hundreds of guys just waiting to scoop her up for themselves, and if this happened i would honestly die. I know she is probably not thinking of wanting to meet someone else, but these things just happen.

 

Thanks Jyebo

[STARSHINE42]

hi Jyebo ,

 

I went out w/ my Ex boyfriend for three years. I broke up w/ him about a year ago, for a lot of different reasons. He begged me back everyday, for months we remained friends.(I knew I loved him but was confused-I thought he would always be there.) All of a sudden he stopped talking to me, and he wouldn't awnser his phone. When I finally did talk to him he said he had a new girlfriend. At that point I realised I made the biggest mistake of my life. We didn't talk for months. Just about two weeks ago I saw him for the first time in a LONG time, and all my feelings are still there, I'm not sure how he feels.. ...but thats another story. MY POINT: If she really loves you, she will come back. So like the others said, DON'T CALL HER, NO LETTERS, and when she calls you, don't be mean but make it short. If you show her that you are moving on, she will be begging you back so fast. Good luck sweetie If you ever want to talk you can always PM me.

[kate111]

I must admit I broke off with an ex once because I wasn't attracted anymore.

 

So, you need to concentrate on making yourself attrractive to your girlfriend again.

 

I think Bumshkin's advice is especially good to get the ball rolling, if you can pull it off.