Broken up with after 5 years, devastated.

[chai714]

I'm 25, she's 23, both living in California. We were together for almost 5 years before she broke up with me last Saturday. Here's my side of the story. NOTE that all of these events occurred over the past 7 days.

 

We've had a solid relationship. The foundation of our relationship is based on our friendship. Anyhow, she took a 7 day trip to Hawaii last week

broke up with me 2 days later. I knew something was wrong when I picked her up from the airport, because the body language just wasn't there. From my perspective though, things were going GREAT before she left on this trip. Her reason for breaking up was that she wasn't in love with me anymore. She said that our relationship lacked "passion" and that I "deserved someone better." Like a fool in love, I replied and told her "I deserve you because I love you." Previous to her trip, we had even discussed marriage and we were all but engaged.

 

One day after she broke up with me, I received the following email:

START OF EMAIL

"I don't know if I'm making the right decision, but I know I'm telling you how I feel for the right reasons. You deserve to have someone that is madly in love with you. I love you more than you can imagine and more than I can think about right now. I have spent years of my life devoted to you and I don't regret one minute of our relationship. I will never stop loving you. I am concerned that I'm not "in love" with you. Our relationship is lacking passion. Maybe this is only on my part, but I have felt the lack of passion from you as well. I don't feel the chemistry or burning passion for you, that I know I should. If you honestly look in your heart I know that you have known for some time that there is something missing between us. This is the most difficult decision I've ever made, Chai. I am dying inside. I don't know if I can live my life without you...but I have to try. It is not fair to hold on to something that I can feel in my heart is not going to be all it was meant to be. You are the most wonderful person in the whole world and I want you to be happy. I know you are not going to live a happy life with me. I know it. I can't breathe when I think about a life without you. I feel like I'm dead. I know in my heart that I made this decision for the right reason...and that is your happiness." END OF EMAIL

 

A couple days later after this, she said that she wanted to "work things out." I knew that we could have to proceed with caution, since emotions ran high. So, after a 3 hour conversation in her car, we decided to work things out.

 

We went out on a date last night to the movies. Things felt a little weird because she was acting kind of shy, and the body language wasn't there like before. This morning, she tells me that she again wasn't "in love" with me and confessed that she has been talking to a guy (on the phone) she met in Hawaii (he lives there). She tells me that she has "feelings" for this new guy (she knew him for 5 days and denied cheating) and it's not fair to me to stay in this relationship. She seems pretty confused, and she's got my head spinning circles. I don't know what to do, or what future we have (if any). I am completely devastated. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[lady00]

deleted.

[Rahll]

Yep the post above me explained my thoughs as well.

 

This is the problem that a lot of realtionships have when the people involved began dating early on.

 

Im guessing that you were her first, or one of her first serious boyfriends. First off, she probally didnt cheat on you, as her letter sounds genuine. But when she went to hawaii she noticed all the other couples around her, and she began to think. She realized that she wanted to have more experiances[aka passion] and be like all thoes other couples she saw around. Before one settles down with someone they have to know that they are giving up, if your one of the only people she has been with, she doesnt know what it's like to be with other people, thereforeee she has nothing to compare you with. Without that comparasion, she cant see things getting better between the two of you, because she doesnt know what better is.

 

I would suggest that you two agree to date other people. You will both probally realize that while you two loved each other, you didnt really understand what you had. You will likely find other people, but if you two really were in love for the right reasons, then after a while, when your both single again, you can try to get back together. And if you do, you will have an entirely new perspective on your realtionship.

 

Whatever you do, dont get married, and dont have children

[ShuShu Fontana]

I was that girl, honey. And that sound excatly how I felt. My frist boyfriend, my frist lover, and I was terrified of some day regretting not having been with anyone else. For me too, it was a decision that I was unsure about, yet felt I had to do. In the end, the boy wouldn't take me back. And maybe it's for the best, and maybe time will tell.

 

She IS confused. She loves you, no doubt. But this isn't about love, it's about life. ANd maybe she needs a taste of it to see what everything is really aboout, to see what you two have together. Maybe she needs to date this guy and see what happens. I know that's hard to hear, honey. Talk with her about it, make a decision and then run with it. Give it some time. The girl has some things to work out.

[caveat]

Wow. I don't know why that hit me as hard as it did, ShuShu, but it did. "This isn't about love, its about life"...one simple sentence...yet thats really what it comes down to.

[Pebek]

Chai-I know exactly where ur at. My gf of almost 5 years did exactly the same. When we started dating she was 19. She broke up with me March this year saying she needed 'time' or 'space' or sth to that effect. She also told me she might be making the worst decision in her life and wasn't sure if that was the right decision but she had to do what she had to do. It's the very common 'I want to see what else is out there problem' ur likely to face when the girl is very young and doesn't yet know what she wants in life. Hang in there man. Do NC and u'll see it works.

ShuShu-thanx for your insight. It helped me too.

[chai714]

This past weekend was absolute hell. I chose to implement NC to try to heal myself, but I can't tell you how many times I picked up the phone, and almost dialed her number. Today, I'm at work and have been pretty down. I plan on going to the gym tonight to kill time. I actually attached a rubberband to my wrist today and I snap it everytime I feel like calling her. It is a reminder that this is very real and not just a dream, as at times I just wish it were. I sure hope all you fans of NC are right about this, because this is one of the most difficult things I've ever tried in my life . . .

[RayKay]

This past weekend was absolute hell. I chose to implement NC to try to heal myself, but I can't tell you how many times I picked up the phone, and almost dialed her number. Today, I'm at work and have been pretty down. I plan on going to the gym tonight to kill time. I actually attached a rubberband to my wrist today and I snap it everytime I feel like calling her. It is a reminder that this is very real and not just a dream, as at times I just wish it were. I sure hope all you fans of NC are right about this, because this is one of the most difficult things I've ever tried in my life . . .

 

I just went into my desk and put on a rubber band too. Sheesh.

 

I have been in NC for 6 days now, though it was because he was out of town so it made it "easier" - yeah right, all it meant was I was only worrying about him 2000 km away, instead of 2 blocks! Last saw him Wednesday evening and had a great time (was not emotional, no worries!) and I am fairly positive he will contact me tomorrow or Wednesday after he gets back via email or phone, but I have been VERY strong in not even calling his cell to leave a message wishing him good luck or something, or seeing how it went.

 

I am worried he has not missed me HALF as much as I missed him, but he has been able to keep busy and be around loads of people so who knows - though from these boards I can see guys do feel a lot too!

 

Next Sunday he and I leave for our vacation together mountain biking...sigh, getting so nervous!

[carolinagirl]

ok, so I'm new to this. I have just AGAIN broken up with my boyfriend of 3 years and I was online looking for some help or maybe some great ideas. I have truly been comforted that I am not the only one that has been in a relatioinship like mine. Sorry it's so long, I really just need to get it out!

 

So here it is:

 

I started dating him young. He is definatly one my first loves. At one time in my life, I thought he was my soulmate. For about the first year we were great! We did everything together and then I messed up. I am in law school and I had an internship where I met someone else and screwed up my relationship with my ex for good. But this "someone else" wasn't serious and I immediately told my ex and we worked things out. But things were just not the same since. So we took a break and when I came home for the summer we got back together. Time had seemed to mend the wounds and we were great again. He moved to where I was going to school and then immediately things went down hill. We broke up, I met someone else that I truly loved and he moved back home (still don't know if he met someone else). We stayed apart for 6 months and I dated another guy. This guy treated me SO DIFFERENT that my ex. He was a total gentleman and was everything I wanted. Then summertime rolled around and I was to go back home. I met up with my ex and again, we wanted to work things out. But this time it was different, I was sooo confused. I thought maybe we could get married and live happily ever after, but deep down I had doubts. Then a few weeks into the summer I found out that after we split he started having problems with anxiety and panic. I started having episodes this summer and would get mad at me for random stuff. I knew he was sick so I didn't mind. So then one night I couldn't decide what to have for dinner and he couldn't handle it. He got angry and I left. I went to my mom's and I called him the next morning before work. No reply. So I cut my losses and moved back to school. My first day here I saw the guy I dated for the 6 months that me and my ex were apart. He was next door at a friends, so he helped me move in. I have been seeing him almost everyday since. But still, last night I sent my ex an email that I received of a prayer I thought he would like. He replied with "please think about me!" I asked him what he meant by that and I got a blank email. I called him this morning and the first thing he asked was, "why did you leave?" I told him that I thought I was doing what was right. He then told me that he had been in the hospital because of the medicine he was taking for him panic and anxiety. He said he felt like I walked out on him when he needed me the most. He did apologize for blaming me & getting mad at me for nothing. And then he told me that he misses me. It crushed me and all I could say was "I have to go to school" I immediately called back and apologized and told him I miss him to and whenever he is in town to call me. But I'm afraid that he might want to get back together and I HAVE NO IDEA if I want to or not... plus what about the guy I've been hanging out with?

 

Again, I'm sorry it's so long. Writing is definally theraputic for me. Thanks for listening & please help!

[LostAngel]

Hi Chai 714

 

I know THIS is hard--BUT ONLY TIME WILL GIVE YOU THAT 2nd chance...

 

She loves you---Give her the space she needs

.. If you keep NC -SHE WILL MISS having you around---

 

Remember what she said...

THAT SHE DIDN'T KNOW HOW SHE WILL BE ABLE TO LIVE WITHOUT YOU!!!

 

I went out with my ex for (nearly 7 years) -I WAS REALLY DEVASTATED...

BUT EVENTUALLY YOU WILL SEE WHY THIS IS HAPPENING...

 

You need to keep NC until she contacts you

----This is what will get her thinking.

 

DO NOT PRESSURE HER --THIS WILL PUSH HER AWAY MORE.

 

If you do speak to or see her -YOU MUST NOT BRING UP YOUR RELATIONSHIP -Keep it light & friendly.

 

Keep your head up high...BE STRONG...

She is going to miss you...

 

 

LostAngel

[brucethescot]

Hello Chai!

 

Guess what? Age is not at issue here. I'm 55 and my GF is 44. She dumped me after 15 years together (virtual common law marriage). We never had a falling out and there was no warning signs.

 

Among other things she told me she loved me but wasn't "in love" with me anymore. She said she wanted to try making it on her own since she had always been in a relationship since she was 21.

 

As tough as its been, I've maintained 100% NC since we parted 8 looooong weeks ago. In fact she told me to NOT contact her and never even gave me her new phone or address. Then, surprise! Out of the blue she phoned me after 4 weeks. She told me she "found a few of my things" and wanted to arrange "getting together to get them back to me." I agreed but that was all. She suggested we get together later that week but has never called to set a date. Since she never gave me her phone, I can still maintain NC. The ball is in her court to contact me. Frankly I think she is still confused and guilt ridden because she knows the horrible pain she caused me by splitting.

 

Chaii, NC has helped me sort things out in my mind as well as she my GF in a proper light. Likewise, I'm sure its helping her see me (and us) in a better and different light.

 

I think the responses to your post have been dead-on the mark. The people on this forum are terrific. I just wanted to add my 2 cents worth and endorse the others.

 

Give her space. let her appreciate you by missing you. Meantime, improve yourself, i.e. your attitude, your looks, everything. What you really want to do is make sure that when you meet with your EX, you exude the things that attracted you to her in the first place. I can tell you that after 8 weeks, I'm looking and feeling better than at anytime in 10 years. When my EX sees me and gets a read on my fresh attitude and disposition, she will know what she's missing. And even if that doesn't happen, I had to do it for my own sanity anyway!

 

All the best to you!

[american dream]

Hi bud,

Well this girl has done a horrible thing to you and I do think she will realize it someday. She has been unfair, but hey that is life, right?

 

I just wanted to write and let you know that I feel for you, and I wish for your sake it could have gone down differently. You seem like a good guy (one of the great people from this site who PM'ed me when I was feeling REALLY down), so try and get past her.

 

I really do think she will miss you if you keep up the no contact thing so stay strong. Keep your eyes peeled for other females, even if you don't feel up to it. Find another girl who will be good to you and make you feel cared for. Keep going to the gym. Write in the journal. See your friends. Do whatever you can to stay busy and the days will fly by.

 

PM anytime you need to talk.

[chai714]

Thanks for the support guys, I truly appreciate it.