i am afraid it will never go away

[jaydee19]

I have posted on here about my past relationship, and the stringing along that's been happening for more than a year after the break up. I felt fine 6 months ago, and I think part of it was because my focus was on the new person I had in my life. Now that the rebound relationship is done with, all the emotions I had looked over are catching up to me and this second attempt at healing seems harder than the first time.

I do not want to be around people, or go out with friends and find myself avoiding any possible interaction with anyone. To make things worse I saw my ex at a party last weekend and even though I remained strong, I caved to my emotions again and contacted him wishing him a happy thanksgiving. He e-mailed me back saying thanks, and that he hoped I had a good thanksgiving as well, and said he hoped I was doing well.

I did not respond and now I have began to over analysed the situation, and have given myself false hopes for a reconciliation. To explain this better.. in the past whenever I ran into the ex he would contact me after a few days of seeing him, then we would hang out and emotions for both would resurface. It seems this time I had some hope that it would happen again, but he seems to have finally moved on. He is only civil towards me because of the past. Realizing this has hurt me once more, and even though I know it is over and have known it is.. I still seem to have that hope in the back of my head that maybe it will happen. The hardest part is that he was my best friend and the one person I confided in for 3 years, and now I have no one I particularly can open up to about how I feel. In a perfect world I would remain friends but I know its not fair to either one of us if we want to move on.

I am scared that this feeling of hope will not go away.. it has been over a year and I find myself to be in the same place I was when we first broke up. I am usually realistic about the situation, but I cannot seem to let go of this. I am afraid that I will always regret some of my actions and I am afraid that I will always feel this way towards him.

 

I know it takes time, but it has taken so long and every time I am finally fine he decides to contact me and sets me back again. I don't know why I am so weak when it comes to him. I frankly feel pathetic compared to him.. he seems to be living his life without thinking of me and has healed from the break up. I feel angry at myself for letting this happen again, and I am angry at him for coming back again.

 

I just don't understand anymore.. I am scared that time will not change how I feel.

 

I hope some of you can understand, and can give me some support or even tell me about your own experiences. I hate feeling as alone as I do.

[bungalo]

Jaydee, I know it FEELS like it will never change, but eventually it will. How long were you with your ex? I found out the hard way how easy it is to get set back...but set back, does not mean that you start from scratch. My ex was my best friend too and my confidant..and it's all gone now..trust is shattered beyond redemption. I reconciled with my ex this past spring after a 5 month breakup...and then she left AGAIN 2.5 months later..so more pain....not as bad as the time before, but still a drag.

 

I think it's in your best interest to avoid any place where your ex might be for now. It led to a chain of renewed heartache for you, with the email, etc. Someone on this site told me that 6 months of hard-core NC seems to be the turning point. I am vowing to do 3 months and see how I feel. YOu are not alone..along with the folks on this site, there are thousands (millions?) of people going through what you and I are going through. If you have any spiritual beliefs, it's time to dust those off at this time too. I often have to remind myself to trust God that there is a reason for what I'm going through, and it is not some senseless, painful event. It is happening for my growth, and ultimate happiness. We just can't see the whole picture. Be good to yourself, you sound like a very caring, loving person. And you are very young, and WILL find someone who sticks with you.

[incaangelique]

I was just posting in here the other day, saying I'm doing fine 8 months after my break up. That I'm into someone else, and I rarely think about my ex. Last night I had a dream about my ex and I'm sitting here on a Friday night listening to Al Green's "I'm still in love with you", thinking I really should have called him back last week . . . I'm in the same situation as you. Strung along, but I let myself be strung along cause I miss him. Gah! I think I'm better, and then I'm not. No one seems to compare to the ex . . .

[bungalo]

I was just posting in here the other day, saying I'm doing fine 8 months after my break up. That I'm into someone else, and I rarely think about my ex. Last night I had a dream about my ex and I'm sitting here on a Friday night listening to Al Green's "I'm still in love with you", thinking I really should have called him back last week . . . I'm in the same situation as you. Strung along, but I let myself be strung along cause I miss him. Gah! I think I'm better, and then I'm not. No one seems to compare to the ex . . .

 

 

I think healing a heartache is not linear. You think you've made progress, and then you trip over something and you get bumped back. It's the damndest thing. I broke my leg years ago, and there was this great progression of healing that occurred...getting your heart torn out is totally different. Incaangelique I know what you mean when you say no one compares to the ex...Jeez

[jaydee19]

I was with my ex for 3 years. We broke up last year during the summer and were apart for 5 months, then he contacted me and we got together for 3 months, and out of the blue he broke it off without giving me a reason. I maintained NC for 3 months and thought I was fine, began dating and dated a mutual friend of ours which he knew about. He seemed to be okay, and I believed I was fine as well. Towards the end of dating the other person, my ex and I had been able to keep our friendship and this summer he told me he was still in love with me and that he did not want me to feel like he was doing it to ruin my progress but he simply wanted to let it out in the open. Eventually I broke down and he said we had changed, which is what I still think about constantly.

We maintained our friendship until 2 months ago, and then I went NC. When I did that he messaged me saying I was immature for doing so. I still kept my distance and focused on work and school.

It is difficult to not be around him because we have the same friends, and hang out in the same areas. And I think about how I am young, and how this happens.. but I have been in another long relationship in the past, it lasted a year, and I was able to get over it within 6 months.

 

Bungalo you seem to have been in a similar situation in your experience with getting back together and then it ending once more.. It feels like a game.

How long have you been NC?

 

incaangelique I also feel that way, especially after dating other people. But then I remind myself of the things that I did not like about him, and what I would like in a future relationship. Its the memories that are so hard to let go of, and while we all know the reasons why it did not work out, we only look at the good memories and the good qualities of our exes. I have to implant in my brain the thought that he is not the person he used to be.. and neither am I.

 

How long were both of your relationships?

[bungalo]

Mine was over 5 years, with 3 breakups. I've managed like 70 days nc at best..guess I'm tited of countinf days..I just want to heal..she emailed me last week. It was impersonal and set me back a bit

[Blackey]

Well of course you are not healed, 1 year out of 3 years is not much for a break up where genuine love was present.

Although you do not think that u made much progress, you did a lot of it (compare the first 2 months to where you are standing now, feeling the difference?)

The general rule of thumb is that to get over someone, takes about half of the time you were dating, that is if you were dating for 3 years, 1.5 years should be the number for you, but i believe this saying is missing some factors, so overall i would say that it would take you about 2 years in total to completely get over him in case you will do anything that has to be done in order to facilitate healing, such as strict NC.

Do not beat yourself, accept the fact that you are ill, and you are still going through grief and healing, and also know that grief is a process where in the end acceptence is waiting for you, thats when you will be healed.

Many of the people here deal with their second or even third break up, so if you were to ask you about their first break up, the big majority of the people would say that they got over completely over it, so you see, people do eventually get over and move on, and so will you.

Keep on doing healthy things in order to move on and it will come, try to invest in yourself, and promote yourself as a human being.

Cheers.