Even If I Read This First, I Would Probably Still Do It

[hankmb]

Posted this on another site, but thought I would come here for input.

 

To start, I am 35 and she is 29. We were together for 5 years. The last year was long distance due to her being in grad school. To which I not only encouraged her to go to, but somewhat supported her financially while she was there. Towards the end of her schooling she started to act distant. She started to hang out with other guys, and generally testing her boundaries with me. Instead of just confronting it, I started to get jealous and just sort of panicky. Then she started to encourage the attention from other guys. So it came to a head when she broke up with me 2 months before finishing school, May of last year. I was devastated.

 

For the next couple months I would get late night phone calls/text messages. Just the general keeping me on the hook while she worked out her feelings. All while this was going on I decided to quit my job, which I only kept to help her through school. Also I moved to a new city, with nothing but what I could fit in my car. Jury is still out if this was a good decision.

 

Well 2 months after moving, October last year, she called because she wanted to see if we could work things out. There happened to be a wedding she wanted me to go to with her. I jumped at the chance. When I arrived she "wanted to work on being friends." I could all ready feel I made a mistake. At the wedding after a couple drinks, she asks me how many people I have hooked up with. In a way that implied she wanted to tell me how many she hooked up with. I said I really didn't want to have this discussion. Curiosity or drink got the better of me and I asked, "well when was the first time you hooked up with someone?" I think she said a month, I don't really remember. What I do remember is saying "Wow at least you let me know how important we were to you" or something of the like. Well that made her cry, and we were quietly at war the rest of the evening. Then, we all get in her friends car to go to the hotel. The car is packed. Of course she sits next to me. She then starts to make out with me. Being drunk I just go with it. At the hotel one thing led to another, and right before we about to have sex she says "This doesn't mean a thing." At that point I was too invested in to moment to care. On the day I was leaving she is talking to another guy on the phone, in a very flirty way, in front of me.

 

So I return to my new city, and decide I've got to let her go. I don't call or text. She occasionally does. I politely respond but don't get to invested. I decide I need to get my mind off of her. I go traveling to visit friends all over the the US for the month of December. Well she doesn't call or text much. Then out of nowhere I get "why did we break up text". I just replied that was really your decision.

 

Next couple of months pass. Sporadic contact. Sometimes its hinting at missing me. Sometimes its just cold. Then 3am 2/14/10, yes people Valentines Day, I get an I miss you text from an unknown number. I knew who it was. I reply "who is this".

Then she calls me, and just cries, saying she misses me crying, she loves me crying. I then hear a male voice say"come on, don't cry" then the phone hangs up. Next day I get a email from her apologizing for the call and the crying. To which I responded its all right it happens to best of us. I change my number.

 

Now its June of 2010. I realize she has something of mine that I need. I don't know, but why I just emailed her asking for it. She says she doesn't have it anymore. I say thanks for checking and let it go. Then 2 weeks later i get an IM from her saying how important I am to her and she hopes we can be friends someday. I politely decline.

 

Mid July, Just as I get home from a family members funeral, I receive an email from her. I know for a fact she didn't know about the death. The email was a review of a band I like upcoming album. Being a little emotional from the funeral we get in to a little conversation through email. I keep it light and so does she.

 

August starts her hitting me up on IM more frequently. I entertain her. Over time it gets more frequent. Still light but frequent. What concerts we been to or want to go to. I mention a band playing on my birthday that I'm pretty excited about.

 

3 weeks before my birthday I get an email from her. Telling me that her friend asked her to go to the same concert that I'm going to on my birthday. Cool? I thought.

Well the day of the concert comes and she shows up dressed to kill, with her brother. She then tells me she has thought about us a lot. That she always loved me. That she will do anything to have me back. That she understands it may take me some time to trust her again. That she realizes all of the errors of her ways. We spend the whole weekend together.

 

October is great, well at least the first 2 weeks. She tells me she loves me can wait to see me. Then, she starts realizing she is lonely where she lives. She can't stand feeling lonely. I learn that she dated someone pretty seriously while we apart. I didn't care though. What I did care about was that she would get jealous that her roommate was hanging out with him. I told that I thought it was a little disheartening that she felt that way. She just king of blew it off. The frequent calls and text messages became less frequent. I tried not to read into it. Then she is supposed to call me. She doesn't. I get angry and end up breaking it off with her through IM the next day.

 

Later that day (last Saturday), on IM. I try to explain why I did what I did. That I saw the same pattern developing. That I didn't really want to break up with her, but felt I had to. We come to an agreement to work things out, or so I thought. That was the last conversation I had with her. I tried calling a few times, no answer. Sent a text, no reply. So I guess now I just move on.

 

I guess what hurts the most is that she could cheapen our relationship so much. I'm not only blaming her, but I am at fault to. I don't know what I expect by posting this, I just thought it would me remove myself from it.

 

 

Thanks for reading

[RobD70]

For the most part you handled everything right and you haven’t heard the last of her I’m sure.

 

Sounds like she got distracted with the jealously thing with the other ex-boyfriend. I’d guess she would prefer you over him but women are competitive so this jealousy thing pushes you aside. I’m sure it will be shot-lived. Now if you started seeing someone else she would do the same thing and chase you.

 

The fact that she is like shows she’s emotionally immature. If you ever decide to hang with her again don’t get too invested, tell her you just want to be friends and that’s all. Turn the tables on her.

 

All you can do is try not to let it bother you and keep doing what you have been doing.

[thekid55]

The sooner you run away, the better you will feel.

 

She obviously has no clue about what she wants in life. Don't stick around to find out, either.

 

I agree with RobD though. This won't be the last you hear from her.

[hankmb]

Thanks guys.

 

I have a feeling I'll hear from her again too. I'm going just take it as it comes.

 

One of the funny results of this is that I actually now feel like I could date other people. Before I just felt I was doomed to be alone. Her coming back, even though it ended the way it did, gave me a little boost in my self esteem.

[hankmb]

Well that was fast. Got an email from her a couple minutes ago.

[Minx2012]

Why do you even still bother? It's a huge emotional game to her. It's almost sadomasochistic...she likes to hurt you and you allow it.

[hankmb]

Update: After making arrangements over the weekend, to speak on Monday. After returning from our respective families holiday gatherings. I called her. She of course did not pick up the call.

 

So today after and agonizing internal debate I sent her and email. Basically without getting emotional, I said I was sorry for the way I handled things, but I feel the result would have been the same. That there was no merit to going over reasons the it ended. Also that this is my last time trying to contact her. And I wish her luck in the future.

 

She responded in about an hour. Saying she too wanted it to work. Was sorry about anything she did. Maybe our time together, the initial relationship, was all we were supposed to have. And that she will always love me.

 

At times this feels so unhealthy. It does seem to help to type it out though. I do find myself re reading her email and trying to read between the lines. That I'm going to definitely stop.

 

Anyway thanks for reading.

 

Oh and:

Why do you even still bother? It's a huge emotional game to her. It's almost sadomasochistic...she likes to hurt you and you allow it.

 

This is very true, I've said this exact statement to my friends. I suppose I bother because I still long to be with her. I guess I just don't understand why we play it.

[AutumnBorn]

....I guess I just don't understand why we play it.

 

 

I suspect it's a power exchange. You should be proud of yourself for taking control of your destiny. I don't think it's over and won't be until you don't long for her anymore. When it's over, the feeling is nothing. It sounds to me she cares a great deal, but was having a temper tantrum after being called out. She also doesn't really know how to apologize. A good apology is specific. "I'm sorry I (insert bad behavior here). I didn't mean to cause you any pain. It was thoughtless and stupid." A blanket apology like "I"m sorry for anything I did" isn't taking responsibility for her behavior. She's got some growing up to do.

[hankmb]

Thanks.

 

I know I may have done the right thing, but I still feel horrible. Like maybe I over reacted by ending it with her. There is so much left unsaid. I told her that would be my last attempt at contact.

 

Also it's funny because she constantly would say she wants an adult relationship. Implying that I'm at fault, which maybe I am. All I get though is these games from her.

 

Anyway, thank you for your response(s).

[sophia7]

You sound pretty strong in your decision and have certainly given her sufficient chances. Her saying she wants an "adult relationship," what does she mean - new appliances and a fabulous apartment? Sounds like you have a chance now to achieve some peace in your life and find a relationship that doesn't involve being on an emotional roller coaster. It also sounds you're truly starting to find her behavior unattractive, which has to feel good.

[hankmb]

I've been thinking about my decision lately, and wondering if I over reacted. I feel as though I may have abandoned her in a time of need. Before you roll your eyes, let me explain.

 

When things were going well between us, about a month ago, while we were talking. She said she thinks she is a the beginning of a depressive episode. This is something she was treated for in the past, a few years ago. As far as I know, she hasn't seen anyone or been taking medication for the last 2 years. I know from experience she is prone to extremely destructive behavior when suffering from depression. After the first couple months when we first met, we got in a pretty serious fight. I ended it, telling her we could be friends. That she shouldn't worry about me, she should live her live. She was fairly young when this happened, and I thought she needed to grow up a little more, before I would get serious with her. I didn't want to rob her from any experiences. Anyway, I found out some time later, after we starting dating again. That a month after this she tried to hurt herself pretty seriously. It was about the same time of year as it is now.

 

A few days ago I got an "I really miss you" text at 4am. I didn't respond. She has a pretty serious day job, so I doubt she was drunk, but I'm not sure. I'm thinking now I should have said something.

 

Am I abandoning her? If so how can I re enter her life or should I even try? Even though we can't be lovers or friends, I do care deeply for her. I would not be able to live with myself if something happens. Not that she threatened or anything. Any input would be greatly appreciated. Thanks

 

"Her saying she wants an "adult relationship," what does she mean - new appliances and a fabulous apartment?"

 

I think she meant a relationship like her parents, or any of our other friends who seem to be in a happy healthy relationship.