I am unreasonable. How to become normal again?

[SmilingKatty]

I think, that I should start looking around for a reliable partner, with whom I could eventually (couple of years in the future) build new home and start a family.

 

But I still keep thinking of reconciliation with my ex, with whom any of that wouldn´t be possible, because the way he is (e.g. I wouldn´t be ably to fully rely on him and so on...).

 

Crazy situation, crazy me...

 

What to do with that, please advise...?

[SapphireNoir10]

Yeah it sucks its the whole cant live with them cant live without them thing .But you CAN live without him.

 

Move on when you feel ready to move on

[SmilingKatty]

Thank you. I think, I have made a big progress - I know all the logical reasons why not to be together (and even agree to them). But still there is one part of me, that is illogical and unreasonable and crazy and hopefull...

[SapphireNoir10]

Im at the same stage. I feel and know that it was the right thing, and even if he was horrible to me, the break up was the best thing he ever did for me.

 

At the same time. It still hurts and sucks and I still miss him.

[SmilingKatty]

we have to hope for the best, than... I hope you will get better soon...

[SapphireNoir10]

Thank you. I feel so much better than I did, I woke up and realised I deserved more and someone that wont walk away and will work on issues.

 

So Im hopeful for my future, meeting a nice guy etc.

 

We will be ok

[theartofruin]

A lot of us are going through the same thing. My ex treated me like absolute dirt, cheated on me, wrecked all my plans for the future and over the past couple of years I spent all of my savings trying to make a life with her. I hate her. But at the same time, still occasionally daydream about her coming back to me and things going back to normal. Ain't gonna happen though, and I'm a lot better finally having her out of my life.

 

It just takes time, and a lot of rationalizing in the head and understanding just why it didn't work out.

 

One day we'll really meet the right one, not just the person we thought and hoped was the one.

[lonelyandblue]

I have no idea, I am there right now and I simply can't imagine life without him but there is no possibility of a future with him (not because of me!) so, I wish us all luck. It is the hardest situation I've had to face thus far!!! I find myself totally lost in this world right now!!

[lavenderdove]

How long has it been since the breakup? It really does take time to break an attachment to someone, so you need to just try to heal and let time work its magic.

 

If you get 'stuck' and can't seem to stop thinking about him, you might consider some counseling or to try thought stopping on your own (google it) to stop obssesing about him. You need to get control of your thoughts so that you don't keep letting your mind drift back to him as a 'love object' when he's really gone. if you keep him alive in your head by thinking about him a lot, it is hard to heal. So google thought stopping and start practicing it to help you get him out of your head, and when you do, your emotions will follow.

[Yaz]

I can't look to my future without seeing him there. It's upsetting. I know he won't come back. I don't know how to get rid of those feelings.

[SmilingKatty]

agh, started the stalking thing again. Please tell me, how horrible and stupid it is...

I hate that I started to get worse again...

 

I will definitely try thoughts stopping, thanks for advice!

(and I am even starting to consider councelling...)

[Yaz]

It goes in waves: better, worse, better, worse. Speaking to someone should help.

Delete that facebook/myspace/linkedin/whatever! DO IT! You'll thank yourself

[SmilingKatty]

I deleted everything straight away after the breakup. There are just some places where I can just go and look, so it isn´t matter of single single click, but everyday fight with temptation... But from now on I will try to post here instead of looking - I hope to shame myself into being more disciplined...

 

(and when I think how much better I was two months ago and then he started to contact me randomly, apparently without expecting any answer - most probably he has just added me to the group of people he sends "spams" to...). But it got me thinking and now I am again in this mess and back on this forum...)

[Yaz]

Just stay strong. Every hour and every day without contacting him and checking up is a sign of strength. You can do it!

[SmilingKatty]

wow, thanks - it is right I concentrate more on the bad things than the good ones. From now on - every day, when I don´t check is a point for me and reason to be proud of myself!

(I wonder if it will really work like that...

[Yaz]

I wondered, too. But it does. And the need to contact subsides as you realise that they don't actually want to hear from you - well, that was the case with me anyway.

 

I don't contact him at all. He doesn't contact me - and it hurts. Day by day, I thought - I'm not calling him, and he's not calling me. That means he doesn't want to speak to me. Why would I call someone who didn't want to speak to me? Ouch. Checking facebook etc., just rubbed salt in the wound, because I could see why he left me, why he was happier and why he didn't want me in his life. Big, big ouch.

 

But, I still love him. I still want him back. I know that NC is the only chance that will happen. He'll either forget me or miss me and come back. I'm leaning toward the former, since it's been 6 weeks NC.

[CRCfem]

I know how badly it hurts, I hope I'll never uve to go through that ever again Thing is, it will get better if u keep at nc. If at the beginning it's all about them again(albeit tryin NOT to contact), one day ull just realise that a while day has passed without them comin to ur mind once, then ull smile to

Yourself knowing you have got yourself and your life back. Key is building a new habit, or many new habits, new ways of being, time will pass, then if ex comes back, I bet all my chips that anyone who has gone through a healing process thru nc would never want them back. Back for what? For suffering? For empty promissez? Nah thanks, ud get more laughs with a genuine friend or some witty new soul u just met, u don't need someone to pick u up, hold u high, then drop u cos they can

[SmilingKatty]

Be strong! 6 weeks is a very short time and the more time will pass the stronger you are going to be...

I think my ex was thinking about reconciliation three months after the breakup, but I was leaving the country. So you can still hope, but from my experience it is better to get rid of the hope as soon as possible (obviously I haven´t been succesfull in this yet (8 months now!?!?), but it HAS to come!)

[mistrall]

hang in there it is tough and a slow prosess, but in time you will realise that eaven though you think of him - its ok and then the clouds lift x M

[SmilingKatty]

Thank you - maybe you are right, when I think of him I usually follow by getting annoyed at myself for being unreasonable...

[Yaz]

Thank you - maybe you are right, when I think of him I usually follow by getting annoyed at myself for being unreasonable...

 

I think it should be swapped. Think of him, get annoyed that he left you. Then thank yourself for being there for YOU!

[SmilingKatty]

I am not annoyed he left me - I am actually glad, because it made me to change myself a lot for the better. I am annoyed that he has a girlfriend and reconciliation is not an option because of that.

And AFTER this line of thinking I get annoyed at myself for holding onto stupid hopes

[Yaz]

I know how you feel.

 

Because he has a rebound, the chances he will contact you (when that rebound ends) are high. Don't be mean to yourself or annoyed with yourself, accept what you are feeling. It may seem like a dead-end thought, but all this thinking helps clear your head. The thoughts change and evolve over time, which is good for healing (so long as they go a positive way!).

 

I feel stupid for expecting him to call either tonight or tomorrow night - he's going on a holiday with mates and getting drunk. I hope when he gets drunk he misses me and calls me. Totally unrealistic - he paid for me to go on that holiday and then we broke up - so I know he's probably taken some other girl. This weekend is going to be crapulous.

 

Sooooo... I'm going to do a lot of thinking to clear my head LOL

[SmilingKatty]

Hi Yaz,

I know the feeling you are describing.... Try not to think about anything like that this weekend. Maybe you are expecting to feel very badly and instead of that you will be pleasantly surprised! Any small thing can seem extraordinary nice in such a situation! (I had a weekend like that a month ago and after a horrible Friday I had done a LOT of school work and was very proud of myself afterwards - maybe you could try doing something similar!)

 

Yeah, I wish it was a rebound - but he started to date her four months after the breakup - so I think, that it is a very well thought decision... (the only thing, that gives me hope is, that he has done it only after I have left the country - but I can never know if there was a connection and thinking about that is not helping me in any way...)

 

As for today - I didn´t think about him that much and had a really nice time with friends and some new people and was surprised by how good I was in socializing with them...