About NO CONTACT. Thoughts for doubters and the converted

[Brandell]

I would like to talk for a moment about the famous No Contact rule often bandied on this site. When I first came to this site (about 3 months ago) I was desperate and I remember reading somewhere online about someone who had managed to get their ex. back through NC and my God! Thats it! She'll miss me and come back to me! Well, since then I have learned a little about the psychology behind the principle. It has been 10 weeks since I spoke to my ex. (a phone call which was awful. i begged pleaded, came accross like a total wuss, crying on the phone and she was just so cool in her "I have moved on, please be happy" scenario)... that phone call DESTROYED me. I ran out of my house, fell to my knees and pleaded with God to take pain away. I felt so, so bad and regretted the call so much.

 

A week later I got a text message from her. "I have had a few drinks so may regret sending this tomorrow. i still think about you but cannot be with you, be happy and please forgive me"... NOW already I was learning because I responded "I am sorry you feel you cannot be with me but i accept it. Yes, I am happy I am becoming a stronger person. You are in

my thoughts. take care". With those words I told her I accepted the decision YET informed her I would still think of her but accepted her decision and in my mind left the door open for her to contact me without appearing needy.

 

That final contact was over 9 weeks ago. I have not spoken A WORD to her since then. infact she contacted me a couple of times buy phone but hung up but I did NOT respond to the hung up call. I saw her a couple of times at stoplights in her car for a second and both times it affected me but I MAINTAINED no contact. If I had not it would have cut me to the ground if I called again. i learned from that awful day stated above when I sounded so pathetic and needy.

 

I did not believe this No Contact thing for a while thinking if you truly love someone go and get them and keep trying and they will come around but folks IT DOES NOT WORK. The minds of dumpers are a million miles from the minds of dumpees during the period of breakups. What we perceive as trying to get them to see that they really do love us is them looking at us as pathetic and needy people whom they are glad to be rid of.

 

Even if you harbour hopes of your ex. coming back or want to use No Contact as a way of moving on IT DOES NOT MATTER.

 

No Contact is the only way in breakups. Just go away from them.

[kungfumaster]

In my humble opinion, I agree with Brandell. It has been over 7 months for me with no contact (after a 2 year relationship, last 3 months long distance), and at times, I have doubted my decision. Even now, I doubt my decision to do NC, but it has helped me. I am feeling a bit of my dignity and self respect coming back, and slowly but surely, a renewed sense of purpose. In addition, I have now, a better sense of why it wouldn't have worked out. The expression is: "It is harder to move a mountain than to change another person". I still keep my ex in my heart, but I know I have to move on, because that's just the way it has to be.

[Beec]

 

I did not believe this No Contact thing for a while thinking if you truly love someone go and get them and keep trying and they will come around but folks IT DOES NOT WORK. The minds of dumpers are a million miles from the minds of dumpees during the period of breakups. What we perceive as trying to get them to see that they really do love us is them looking at us as pathetic and needy people whom they are glad to be rid of.

 

Even if you harbour hopes of your ex. coming back or want to use No Contact as a way of moving on IT DOES NOT MATTER.

 

No Contact is the only way in breakups. Just go away from them.

 

I disagree. No contact is not the only way. I can be useful and keep you from doing something that will drive them away, like you were doing. But, someone who was calm and in control of their emotions might, I said might, be able to use contact to get someone back.

 

If you never speak to them again and avoid them trying to contact you, then you will never get back together.

[Brandell]

The key words you used were "in control of their emotions". Most of us here are not

 

So after much time maybe, but medium to short term no.

[Hopingpraying]

Brandell,

 

You confused me. I am not sure if you are saying no-contact is the right way to go, or no-contact is the wrong way to go. Either way, I don't think it matters. The bottom line is if you are the dumpee no-contact is the way to go for a couple of reasons.

 

1. The dumper, at least temporarily, no longer wants you back. No amount of begging or pleading is going to get them to take you back, and usually that has the opposite effect that you are hoping for. It is a push pull reaction. You push, they pull back.

 

2. You are going to be an emotional wreck being the dumpee. Most dumpee's assume because the dumper did it that it is easy for them. Yes initially they probably have an easier time, but whether you are the dumper or the dumpee eventually you are going through all the stages of a breakup. So What I am saying is the dumper at some point will go what the dumpee is going through. Which in turn leads to no-contact. The no-contact will help you heal your heart. I know it has for me. In the beginning everytime I saw my wife I wanted to tell her how much I was changing, how I was going to do what she wanted me too. It did no good. She just hated me more. Once I implimented no contact everything got easier. I doubt she is going to come back to me, but I am moving on. And I feel good about myself.

 

Does No-contact work in getting your ex back? Maybe, Maybe not. Does it help you heal?? Most definitely!!

[RayKay]

The key words you used were "in control of their emotions". Most of us here are not

 

So after much time maybe, but medium to short term no.

 

That is not entirely true, it all depends on your approach. If you see the situation as them being cruel and mean to you, and not understanding, and only look at if from your eyes, than yes, you probably WON'T be in control of your emotions right away. However, if you can be empathetic to their feelings (and of course this GREATLY depends on the reasons for the breakup) and be supportive of their decision despite what it does to YOU, then it is possible to be in control of how you DISPLAY your emotions. On your own, you can still cry and be sad, rant, rave, whatever - but that does not mean around them you are pleading, begging for them to come back.

 

From the instant I knew my ex was breaking up with me I NEVER pleaded or begged. We talked, a LOT, but I did my best to never make him feel manipulated back into something. In fact, while we were breaking up, we spent about 5-6 hours talking about everything and just enjoying - he told me he gained a lot of respect for me that night, and had a hard time leaving. I did not have an easy time - there are a couple times I have "talked about the relationship" or more specifically about my feelings as I wanted to just walk away entirely, but I have done my best to pick up and forget the episode, and he has too. I don't tell him how I have changed and so on. We communicate very well now that the pressure is off as well.

 

We are friends, and genuinely enjoy the company - because I am not making him feel guilty or bad, and he is not associating being with me as being negative and stressful. We have fun together, are even taking a trip at end of the month alone for five days. It is still hard I admit, as he is "free" to do whatever he wants, BUT, no contact would not have worked for either of us here. The break up was not bad, we have no negative feelings towards the other, we are both aware of how great things could be again between us, and how they should be and are open to trying one day. But there are some personal issues to resolve first.

 

You CAN do contact, but it does take control.

[Brandell]

I thought I made it quite clear I was advocating No Contact as a positive thing for the dumpee in a breakup. Whether you want your ex. back (yes I do but will not contact her as it is counter productive), if she truly loves me she will contact me (short to medium term) AND as a means to move on (because if she DOES NOT contact me (key words) I will have moved on anyway (long term) so either way I maintain my dignity and accept it)

 

I do not believe that the ex. who contacts you after 6 months is the same as the ex. who contacts you after 3 years say. The latter is nostalgia, the former might contain a flame or renkindlment

[Beec]

The key words you used were "in control of their emotions". Most of us here are not

 

So after much time maybe, but medium to short term no.

 

You are right for those who cannot control their emotions. NC is good for those who otherwise would beg, plead, declare their undying love and devotion, or otherwise be really clingy.

 

Otherwise, I'd get off the sidelines and get in the game.

[Trojanmn2]

The NC rule is probably the most effective way of labeling something we all need to for ourselves for those people who are hurting or have been hurt in the relationship who want to keep it going for the person or people we love. But might I add, it's sole purpose should not be used as a tactic in believe that it will work. The NC is not intended to get this significant person back nor should it be believed that it will. Using this as a game to play with the person intentionally is very wrong. Its real purpose is to let us the victim/martyr of the relationship as we claim we are to get space and get ourselves back. And it isn't easy either, because it took me 6 months to get myself back to where I happy again. This time has allowed me to figure these many things about love in my head and has brought my dignity and my self-respect back. It allows us to settle our emotions and figure our next steps out. My relationship didn't come out in the good ending. I know I did what was right for myself and it made me realize how things really are and how they should be. Everything made more sense with a calm, unemotional mind. I worked my views out in hindsight, in foresight, in opposite views and as well as my friends views.

 

I agree you can't change a person, but this time will is also set for this other person to get themselves together what they want. I wouldn't even call it time apart when the breakup is already in the words " i want time apart ". I was in spot before, seeing my ex driving, hearing sightings from my friends, hearing about her new b/f, and yes it did hurt, but know I realize the things about her I didn't see before which makes me more confident in myself that I can be the person I can be again, stronger, happier, more confident, more experienced and more mature.

 

With the NC rule, you can pretty much avoid the situation actually if you're in control of your emotions depending on the situation of the treatment involved towards you or the treatment towards the other person. If you think it out with clear mind, say what you NEED to say which is the necassary things, make valid points, but you really cant if you're talking to him/her everyday making it worse with new problems, more drama, new arguments, etc. In this time of undertaking NC with this person, what you need to do is focus on yourself, focus on your needs and what you have to do to get yourself back. Work out, make some new friends, hang out with hold friends, take a hobby, WHATEVER, and dont' get into something new that your ex did, bad choice, and don't try to buy anything for that person, nor anything to remind you of that person. Stay away from it and know and acknowledge that this is time for you, not just away from each other in fading hopes to get back with him/her. Move on, and if that times comes that this person comes back or wants to get back, you guys are back in square 1. Take it easy, take it slow, and don't expect things to fall back into place, keep what you made for yourself in that time and know its gonna take alot of work to regain yourself as well as restarting/rekindling what you guys had.

[murrayfaces]

Obviously if seeing the person upsets you so much, then NC has to be the way to go. But, it depends on yourself. I think NC is the ONLY way to go if leaving an abusive or unhealthy relationship. Having contact after a relationship filled with pain only makes the pain 10x worse. But, this is all more in the scheme of getting yourself out of horrible situations, and ensuring that they don't happen again.

[Beec]

I thought I made it quite clear I was advocating No Contact as a positive thing for the dumpee in a breakup. Whether you want your ex. back (yes I do but will not contact her as it is counter productive), if she truly loves me she will contact me (short to medium term) AND as a means to move on (because if she DOES NOT contact me (key words) I will have moved on anyway (long term) so either way I maintain my dignity and accept it)

 

I do not believe that the ex. who contacts you after 6 months is the same as the ex. who contacts you after 3 years say. The latter is nostalgia, the former might contain a flame or renkindlment

 

Maybe you are right. Maybe the ex who does not contact you within a few months does not "truly love" you. But my thought is that a break up occurs when what they get out of the relationship is no longer worth it. No longer worth what it is costing them, either in lost opportunities elsewhere or because of what the person they are breaking up with demands or has failed to give them.

 

Anyway, just because the did not love you enough to keep it going, does not mean in my head that they never will. I'd rahter take my chances are getting what I want, when I am ready to do that, than sit on my rear and hope it comes to me someday like a winning lottery ticket.

[jarofpinecones]

I agree with Brandell, totally.

 

I think that maintaining contact, no matter how cool a customer you are, still puts you in some kind of emotional limbo. It keeps you stuck. How long are you going to wait for the other person to get off the pot? How many vacations together will it take before you can finally exhale, and be able to say, "ok, I know where I stand now?" If that is your true love and you are willing to spend the best years of your life waiting to see what develops, than I applaud you. There are exceptions to every rule, naturally.

 

But the rule can, and should be, NC. It's not about controlling your emotions. It's about who is still left wanting more. As long as there is one person still wanting more, it is a no win proposition. If both people are equally ambivalent, then that is different.

 

I think hanging in there can backfire in more ways than one. What if someone new were interested in you, but realized you are were still wrapped up in someone else, and that it's hopeless to pursue you? Then they move on too. Talk about opportunities missed.

 

I've been in both places. I've been the dumpee, and the one mooning over the dumpee, and realizing they are a lost cause. They would rather live on their ex's scraps than eat from my bountiful table.

[lisaria]

Hey Brandell,

I agree with you. NO CONTACT is the way to go. If they have dumped you then they are saying that they DO NOT want you anymore. That you are not good enough for them and there is someone better out there for them. Ok, there is someone even better for you.

If they don't want to be with you, why would you beg and plead for them to take you back? God knows, I've been there and done that, it hurts. It hurts like hell and only takes you even lower into the abyss of darkness that they put you in. Call me a martyr. I loved someone and gave them every inch of my soul and they decided that the grass was greener on the other side. AFTER promising to be with me always and AFTER committing himself to me. He cheated, I loved, he lied.

The ONLY thing was no contact, but did I do that? NO. Not until I found this place and read the posts up here about it. I scraped together my self-respect and pride that was hanging in shreds and decided that I wasn't going to contact him ever again. OK, I backslid once or twice, but at least I knew where I messed up and what my faults were. And I had the lovely people from this forum to help me.

If someone is playing headgames with you and decide they want someone better (if there ever is) and then no...wait....maybe they do want to be with you....well...ok, maybe not..but maybe yes. Then NO CONTACT is the only way to get the games to stop. You put your head back on straight and you get your life in order and you step back and you look at the situation without all the emotions overflowing like they are in the beginning of a breakup. THEN if you want to contact them and only if you can do it without NEEDING them anymore so that if they shoot you down (again), you will not be left sniveling on the floor again, wishing God would strike you with lightening and make the pain go away.

It's all about where you are when you contact them. Be strong. Be silent. Do not put yourself in their power anymore. It is not worth it.

lisaria

[caveat]

Well said, Lisaria. I agree with you 100%.

 

Caveat

[sandbox2832]

I dated a biker (bicylist) for about 3 years out of 4 years total. He broke up with on the 12th at 5pm, saying the relationship "wasn't working" and he wanted to end it and move on; nothing that I did just that it wasn't working. Then about one hour later my 9 year old cat had a stroke apparently and died in my back seat of car a mile from the vet's office. He got me into biking and I like it. I have gone on many scheduled rides driving myself and sometimes riding with him. He goes on the same weekend bike rides that i generally go on. So i can't avoid him unless I arrive at the last minute or on one of the weekend days bike with another bike club in the metro area. He lives 1.5 miles from me. i used to bike over to his house to save on gas. He has supported me a lot--persuaded me to get rid of my second car, get the nerve to try to buy a house, and etc. besides all this, I appear to have a bad case of limerence which is in the ending stage as there is no hope yet I fell like a mess right now. How can do I lessen the contact with the biker and still go on the bike rides? I will lose bike friends a little as they will hover around him and try to protect him. It's like a divorce really. "it wasn't working" without any explanation, etc. has wipe me out too. Is it possible to go on routine bike rides together as he goes 18-20 miles to my 13-14 miles an hour and we wouldn't be riding together and still achieve the no contact rule? I can't very well find a new exercise activity and the closest bike club is over 45 minutes away. Do I give up biking on weekends and just do it during the week? I don't know what to do.

[sandbox2832]

I dated a biker (bicylist) for about 3 years out of 4 years total. He broke up with on the 12th at 5pm, saying the relationship "wasn't working" and he wanted to end it and move on; nothing that I did just that it wasn't working. Then about one hour later my 9 year old cat had a stroke apparently and died in my back seat of car a mile from the vet's office. He got me into biking and I like it. I have gone on many scheduled rides driving myself and sometimes riding with him. He goes on the same weekend bike rides that i generally go on. So i can't avoid him unless I arrive at the last minute or on one of the weekend days bike with another bike club in the metro area. He lives 1.5 miles from me. i used to bike over to his house to save on gas. He has supported me a lot--persuaded me to get rid of my second car, get the nerve to try to buy a house, and etc. besides all this, I appear to have a bad case of limerence which is in the ending stage as there is no hope yet I fell like a mess right now. How can do I lessen the contact with the biker and still go on the bike rides? I will lose bike friends a little as they will hover around him and try to protect him. It's like a divorce really. "it wasn't working" without any explanation, etc. has wipe me out too. Is it possible to go on routine bike rides together as he goes 18-20 miles to my 13-14 miles an hour and we wouldn't be riding together and still achieve the no contact rule? I can't very well find a new exercise activity and the closest bike club is over 45 minutes away. Do I give up biking on weekends and just do it during the week? I don't know what to do.

[jarofpinecones]

Sandbox,

 

Sometimes we will use any and all means necessary to maintain contact, believing that we have no other choice. Deep down inside we would even be happy with being passing strangers than to have no contact at all.

 

I had an avid hobby that my ex also had a passion for. He got me to take some chances and push myself, and my development had a lot to with him. I thought I could still go the places that we would go, and still play, and if I saw him, oh well, smile wave and keep moving.

 

Eventually I had to come to grips with the fact that for the time being, my ex had poisoned this particular well. If I kept on, I would stay stuck. I had to realize that my life would have to adjust a little for me to move on. I found that breaking my routine went a long way toward my recovery.

 

I will go back to the place where we used to play, and pick up where I left off one day, if it's still important to me. But for now I will do what I do somewhere else. No, it's not fair, and no, it's not convenient, and I hope his karma comes back to bite him in the buttocks. But for now, it's what I need to do.

[Beec]

sandbox,

 

I think it is all up to how you can handle it and how you appear to handle it.

 

If you show up and appear to be anything but friendly toward him, then you will not be doing yourself any good. If it bothers you too much to show up and put on a good face, then you will not be doing yourself any good.

 

I'd try to ease into it by showing up late first and try how it goes.

 

If you show up and act like nothing bothers you that much, then what will his friends be protecting him from. Not much at all. Indeed, he will look pretty foolish if he seeks protection from you, provided you have a friendly but independent attitude.

 

I'd also seek out those who happen to be on the periphery of those who will protect him, and I'd find a bunch of hills to ride or create a nasty interval ride for during the week, so soon you can take him to school.

[deebee]

Hi Sandbox, thanks for introducing me to the concept of limerence! Until I looked it up, I thought you might have been a disease (and now I know what it is, I still think it might be ). Very interesting, I think I may well tend towards it myself...

 

Sorry to hear about the break up, sounds rough on you. Any chance of talking to him to get better reasoning than 'it's not working'? Sounds a bit like my break, only she gave more reasons. I thought they were trivial though, but I wasn't able to change her mind. I guess the point was that to her they were valid reasons as to why it wasn't working and that was that.

 

I'm a cyclist too and know it's not something you can just give up. So keep riding, on your own if you have to. The exercise is a great stress reliever during times like this. It will help clear your head and it's important to maintain a good self-image and keep up with routines. Maybe it would be worth trying the other club, even if it is out of your way. No Contact would be hard if you keep meeting, as you will keep stirring up lots of hurt/confusion/anger etc which would prevent you from healing and moving on.

 

If it's only a week or so since the split (am I right in assuming that?), I can understand that it would definitely be hard for you if you met. But as time goes on and you come to terms with it, your feelings will change. It may be months before you are able to speak or meet with it affecting you though. My ex lives in the next town and it's on several of my cycle routes, so I worry about seeing her when I pass through. But after three months of No Contact since the break, I think I will be OK. Give it time and keep riding.

[sandbox2832]

Hi Jarofpines, I've reread your reply numerous times, trying to absorb its meaning. (1) I do have a choice to avoid no contact (NC) if I can do it. I can ride with the alternate club on other side of town on Saturday, still ride my Tues ride and ride solo on other days at the smaller lake in town which my Ex generally rides when there are group rides there. It's been 4.5 days of NC by phone. (2) For the moment to recover and move on, I need to break my biking routine somewhat if I'm able. I just need to bike somewhere else for the moment, even it is uses more gasoline. The Base Club has more hilly roads and they do mountain bike rides occasionally and in winter have a 900 sat ride and 100 sunday ride generally. My current club only road bikes. (3) I can always go back to the 830 Sunday ride when it's comfortable for me to do so if I want to do that. (4) While it is not fair or convenient to break up my bike routes, for now it is the best thing for me to do, if I'm able to do it. (5) I have yet to go on a bike ride with my Ex present so I don't know if it would poison the ride for me--I may have to test that out this Sunday by arriving late at the ride. I carry your reply with me in my purse and I'm look at it periodically for support. I didn't get on the computer last night at all. I still take a Melatonin sleep pill(from nutrition warehouse) and a Tylenol blue pm sleep pill to get sleep during the week. It's not good yet that is the only way I can find to get any sleep.

[sandbox2832]

Hi deebee, I did ride Tues night about 27 miles with my small group and averaged 16 mph, rather than my normal 14mph. I did hear on the ride one of the bikers talking about the hilly ride on Saturday and they mentioned my Ex's name. They aren't aware of the connection or that I heard them. I may have biked harder just to bike him out of my brain.

It did feel good to get out and bike hard. Several of the bikers came up to me and said good things about me going faster tonight. The only thing I did tell them was that my cat had died last week and I hadn't been riding much. (I don't have to tell them everything--word will spread I'm sure.)

 

Per the NC rule, there are 4 major bike events between now and end of September that I might see my Ex or his truck. I plan to ride with the the Base group this saturday at 900a. I may bike from my house at 810a on Sunday and get there at the park just as they are starting out at about 8:30a. My Ex's sister and husband are coming in this weekend so my Ex might not be there. If I'm up to it, I may try that on Sunday.

 

The Base club in the winter time does a 900a Sat ride and a 100p Sunday ride. They do both road biking and some mountain biking. My current club only does road biking. My mountain bike sits and does nothing but support the wall.

 

I watched a little TV tonight, the first in probably 3 weeks--Independence Day, part of Top Gun and part of a Bond movie Since my cat died, my relationship with Ex died, I opted to have a silent house since everything else was gone, the house should be empty and silent as well.

 

Thoughts have a way of working bad things into a mind. I was going to watch the Snowy River movie on TV tonight as I love the music and the story. I thought of that at work and my mood changed from good to bad. I got out of that and into a project and I kinda improved. Maybe it was a good thing to go TVless to keep negative stuff out of my head.

 

Apparently i will have good days/fair days/good/poor moments so I can't really plan with certainty what I might do when i get home from work. At work I have to focus more and on display all day long. Only when I get home and in my front door can I let up the actor face.

 

I was glad to learn that there will be one other person there on Friday besides me as it lets some of the pressure off. Work is putting on a seminar and 3 of our people will be there off and on to help out where needed and I'm the lucky person to stay behind and do what I can of their work. I'd rather do that than be at the seminar with all those people.

 

From Saturday afternoon, tomorow would be Day 5.5 of no phone contact. I broke that twice last Thursday.

 

I have to remember also that I'm also in mourning for a dead cat too. The house is empty a bit every day when I come home. My other two cats I believe miss Joey also. Joey was 9 years old and weighed about 20 pounds. I think he had either a heart attack or a stroke or combo of both. He did in the back seat of the car about a mile from the vet's office on the 13th, just about an hour after my Ex broke up by phone.

 

I may not check my email for a day or too again. Giving it time and space supposedly will help. If I could, I'd probably want to recycle myself like i'm doing the file folders at work; however, I can't do that.

 

I think that i can probably put on a good act for his watchful friends, close and on the sidelines, if I do opt for the 830 bike ride on Sunday--wearing sunglasses are wonderful things at times. In either case, I'll let you'll know the results, if I passed the test or not.

[sandbox2832]

Beec, rest assured that if I do show up for a group bike ride that he might be on, that i will only go if I can act genuinelly friendly. I agreed that showing up late would be the best course of action to test out if this physical presense or his truck makes me uneasy. I love sunglasses-they can hide black eyes and all kinds of stuff.

[sandbox2832]

Hello Deebee,

 

It's not working was his reason, no more. I tried on the phone last Thursday to find out what it was I did or didn't not yet without results.

 

I heard today on the radio that it might rain on Saturday. He doesn't like to ride in rain and with him expecting company I could possibly do the 730 ride and chance it that he might not show.

 

Hopefully one day a woman will do the reverse to him and he will be lovesick and pay for it.

[Beec]

 

It's not working was his reason, no more. I tried on the phone last Thursday to find out what it was I did or didn't not yet without results.

 

 

Well, you frame of mind is excellent, if you can manage to be friendly when you see him. Wear the big wrap arounds. Oakley Mumbos would do.

 

I think with any ofther similar situation, your first question to yourself needs to be what do you want? I also think you need to understand that there may be a hierarchy of choices. At the top of the list may be him back, second may be some other great guy with who you can ride, third might be alone by yourself for a while, then another great guy. Once you decide what you do want, then you can decide how to go get it.

 

You may need to get through your mourning period to do it. No question, right now probably hurts. When you are hurting it is tough to put your game face one and goa fter what you want.

 

While you are doing this, think about your relationship with him. He said it was not working. But did not leave you anything else to go on. Sometimes, relationships get stale. When they get stale we often want to get out of them. That may be it. Or it just might not have fit. I went out with a woman years ago, nice, intelligent, good sex, but I never felt much of a connection with her and she also was not physically the type of woman I saw myself with. (If you picture yourself with a curvy woman and find yourself dating a slim-hipped small busted woman, then you mkae have some added incentive to end it. Even if, as in my case, I still wanted her in a sexual sense.) So I ended it.

 

Also, work on your game. How you approach men and the whole concept of dating.

[sandbox2832]

beec, Moods sure do shift fast. I recalled yesterday that my cat carrier was still over at his house.

 

I didn't really need it back as I have 2 other carriers yet that carrier is easier to get my cats in than the ones I have. Plus I wanted to see him as a test.

 

I had left the carrier over there so he could take Scary, his cat, to have him fixed. I guess it is a guy thing, they put off getting their male cats fixed. When he gets into another bad fight he might get incentive to take Scary in.

 

I had a legitimate error to run after work and I decided on the way back home that if I was strong enough at that time I would drive by his house and stop if he was home, knock on the door and request the cat carrier back.

 

It really is over!. The look in his eyes was not friendly, not unwelcome, just-I can't describe it. More like a dead look in his eyes or a total stranger looking at you. He knew the carrier there and wondered if i was needing it for one of my kids. I believe i told him that works better for my cats in case I do need it. I mumbled something. I told him on leaving to be nice to Scary and calmly walked off, put the carrier in the car, checked the traffic before I pulled off in the side street. I made it home safely.

 

Seeing his trucks didn't phase me at all. Yet the look in his eyes just kills me. I know I did some wrong things. One, he offered to help me with some house repairs and I let him. That was one mistake probably.

 

He wasn't glad to see me, or didn't even say hi to me, just gave my carrier back to me. I was going to make tune helper tonight yet I may force myself to cook even though I have no appetite right now.

 

I'm glad I did this, as it was just him and me, no outsiders watching. I have an idea of where I stand in the stages or recovery. At this point, I'd say no 830 rides on Sunday or saturday winter FRC rides with the club for some time. Of course, a few days can make a huge difference.

 

I don't think I'll ever forget that look. To make it worse, I'll never knoow totally what all went wrong with the relationship.

 

I know that given time and some tears that eventually things will become kinda of normal. I don't think I'll will answer my phones tonight and let the caller id and record take care of them.

 

Why did I do this today? I fooled myself into thinking I was a little stronger than I thought and just seeing him wouldn't cause a reaction. I had thought of calling him on the phone yet I didn't want to do that--i thought it would be better to just drop by and pick up the carrier. Thank god I don't believe I showed much reaction when I was by there that 1.5 minutes so he doesn't have any idea. I'm going to do something constructive--I don't know what yet. I have no money til payday next week so I can't really go anywhere. And I'm in no mood to bike around the Overholser lake.

 

I'll keep in mind what you said. When I get a print ribbon for the printer I'll print them so I can read them over for support.

 

He reminded me of an Alien, the little green icon over on the left side of the screen. That how cold he looked. Or better yet the scene in the movie Mystic Pizza where the college professor comes by to give the babysitter a check for college and the way his eyes look==cold distance, stranger like and the look in her eyes as she looks back at him.

 

I hope I did a better eye acting job in front of him. I think I may pet the cats a bit.