Please help. I was unfaithful and am incredibly sorry.

[civilservant]

Personally, I'd be running away from you as far and as fast as my legs could carry me. Self aware of what you did or not, you simply arent trust-worthy to him anymore.

[Mixed]

All I can say is that some time to sort yourself out and heal is probably what you need, and what he needs as well. It is admirable that you want to sort things out after the fact, just realise that it is going to be an uphill journey from this point as not only do you have the arduous task of repairing trust, but the added whammy of trying to come to terms with everything that has happened, and that takes time. Really self evaluate and know that you can't have what you want right now (the BF) and it may just take losing him to really heal properly over what you have done.

 

I say this from experience, as I cheated on my bf a month ago. I know exactly how you feel.

[Ariana9]

Thanks for your responses. I've had a bit more time to think.

 

To clarify, the "cheating" occurred on the day we broke up- several hours before the break-up was official (which I am perfectly willing to delineate for him if he wants), and yes, I could not get a hold of him before then. I did not see it as cheating because in my mind the relationship was over for good. None of this may make a difference, I just wanted to clarify.

 

I know I need to leave him alone- and I have. I moved out of our house yesterday. I called to let him know I would not be into work, as we work in the same office (Part-time and well after the fact of our relationship!). He said he was sorry I was taking it so badly, and that our house was also my home, not just his, and he understood if I wanted to live there, too (I didn't say I do, I just said I had left the house), and that he would take care of things at home/chores for me. I was confused by his kindness. He said he does not hate me, but he feels we need time apart (duh...).

 

As for my end of it, yes, the reason I did not tell him was not for him, but the time at which he asked me was a time during which I was suffering from ill health (emotionally, physically- had not slept or eaten in days and we had just made intensely emotional love) and I was in no way ready to have any kind of a serious conversation. To the poster who said I would have never told him-- that is NOT the truth. I knew I had to tell him if we were to ever be together again. I just wasn't ready to blurt it out while half-conscious and unprepared. Say what you will about it- I am not making excuses and I know I lied, and to many people, that itself is unforgiveable regardless of why. I know that I gave up any right to being happy about anything that happens because of what I did. It's sort of like buying a lottery ticket, and not winning. I have no choice but to throw away my ticket, even though I wish I had won. I understand that.

 

I also understand that I need to forgive myself, and I am trying to achieve that in therapy. I have learned from these experiences, and I have been profoundly effected by them. I also see and saw the affair as something that happened a long time ago, and I know I have changed since it happened. The hardest thing for me was facing what I had done- and I need to understand why, and I need to fully face it. But then I need to fully move on and put it behind me. I have realized that only through forgiveness, of the self and of other people, do we ever have a chance at happiness. That comes for myself and for my ex both.

[OptomisticGirl]

I'm not badgering you, i promise, but from someone who has been cheated on, if you tell him everything you just wrote yes, he is going to see it as you making excuses because you are. You want to get him back maybe? Then just admit you cheated and end the sentence there. Tell him yes, you lied to him, and end it there. He isn't going to care what state of mind you were in, how you felt, or if you were unprepared--any of it. As the victim in all this all he is going to want to know (if he wants to take you back) is that youre remoresful. And as my mom once said, "A remoresful cheater keeps their mouth shut." Don't give him your reasons because it's not going to matter to him. At all.

 

And like I said, not badgering you, but it IS still excueses. You are still justifying not telling him when he asked you. Until you can admit you lied to his face for no other reason than you didn't want to get caught, I don't think it will work because if he comes back, he's going to want brutal honesty form you. And no, I don't think you can give that to him witht he mindset you have toward it.

[Ariana9]

Believe me, I have already told him I lied and cheated.

[pl3asehelp]

... P.S. I'd change all my passwords if I were you.

 

Wow, I'd suggest doing just the opposite. If you want him to ever be able to trust you again, you should stop hiding things from him. I'd give him all your passwords and let him peruse at his leisure. If you still have things you don't want him to see, then the relationship is over.

[WockaWocka]

Wow, I'd suggest doing just the opposite. If you want him to ever be able to trust you again, you should stop hiding things from him. I'd give him all your passwords and let him peruse at his leisure. If you still have things you don't want him to see, then the relationship is over.

 

I think the writing is on the wall and the relationship is over. All I was advocating is some damage control.

[Ariana9]

I've been talking a lot to people who I know in person, and most of them say I am being too hard on myself. I am glad you guys have been so critical of me, but at this point in time, I am starting to realize that I need to let go of my guilt, and I also know he contributed to the demise of our relationship. There is nothing, nada, that I can to change what happened, and it comes down to a simple fact: if he feels he cannot ever trust me again, then it's over. And I guess in a way, that is for the better-- because I believe my lifelong love would want to work on things with me. I believe this not out of naivete, but because I would want to work on things with my lifelong love, or at least understand their side. It would be different if it was a long affair, or something that had occurred when we were together. I am feeling a little better about it, although my heart bleeds I know I cannot stay in that state for long. I need to look after my own health as well, and I can be so sorry but then I need to not dwell on it.

[OptomisticGirl]

You do need to work on yourself but honestly, it kind of sounds like you are resenting him for not taking you back. Not saying you do but the way you wrote that post it does. He had his part in the demise of the relationship yes, but that still does not give justification to the cheating that happened afterward and I think you are looking for that. As for you would work on it with your live long love... I took a man back for cheating on me twice why? Because I thought I loved him. Love does not conquer all darling. There are somethign that can just not be forgiven. Cheating is one. Which you make it sound like it's HIS fault for not taking you back which I find rather humoerous.... I hope you work things out though.

[Ariana9]

Nope, I do not at all believe it is his "fault" for not "taking me back". He is dealing with this right now and he needs as much time and reflection to come to whatever decision is best for him personally. That is fine with me. What I meant is that our relationship had other problems, and if we had not had those problems to begin with, none of this would plague us now. Note, I am NOT excusing my behavior. I am just saying that he contributed his fair share of our problems. He never lied to me, not to my face. He has lied to me indirectly, and he has had at least 1, possibly a few more, emotional affairs, including with his ex. He has also cheated on an ex of his and did not seem sorry (he told me he did it intentionally to get out of that relationship).

 

I am working on myself. He has been cheated on before. I think he should work on himself and try to find out how to not push people away like he does, as well as work on some of his issues (all?). I am in therapy. I think he should go, too. I know I am going to come out of this a better person, more prepared for a happy future with someone, and I know that I 100% will not enter another relationship until well after I have come to terms with my past actions and completely dealt with them. I hope he does the same for his issues, and I hope he heals from this situation. I will miss him dearly, and yes, that is the price I pay.

[lavenderdove]

>> I found that our problems from earlier did not go away, and I got to a point of much anger and frustration.

 

You know, i read this and my first thought was that maybe this relationship just isn't meant to be... you had the early years not really seeing each other all that much (where you lived on hope for the future and the high excitement when you did get together), and when you finally go to having a 'real' relationship by being together all the time, it fell apart.

 

If being with someone is a constant effort and a constant struggle fraught with cheating on both sides, it may be more an indicator that you're trying to shove a square peg into a round hole than anything else. You are both trying to make something that is not really a good/stable/satisfying relationship into something that it is not, which is a good relationship that gives on peace, stability, and happiness rather than upheaval.

 

So perhaps the real issue is that it is now time to just let it go, rather than continuing to try to twist yourselves into pretzels to make something you can both live with. Yes, you can get very attached to someone, but if you don't fit together in the right ways, it leads to all kinds of bad behavior on both people's parts.

 

You may have caused the current rift by lying to him about what happened, but it sounds like there were so many other problems, it may be more the straw that broke the camel's back on a relationship that wasn't working out too well to begin with. So it just may be that it is time to let go and not continue to rake over the past, just acknowledge to yourself that cheating is not a good option anyone should pursue in the midst of unhappiness, but also that perhaps rather than hanging onto a bad relationship for a long time, you need to learn to recognize a good one and let the bad ones go sooner before either of you start acting out and behaving really badly.

[Ariana9]

Thanks LD. The reason I kept in it and kept trying to work on things is because of 2 reasons:

 

1. I was working on myself at the same time, and I believed that becoming a more healthy and happy person (my life before we moved had some unhappiness there b/c of a situation I was in, which ended when we moved), our relationship would be given a more fair chance to prosper. (Note, I did find out after we moved that we BOTH geld grudges about the problems we had before we moved, and only I had tried to change (see #2).)

 

2. The foundation of ALL of my problems with him is he simply does not have empathy/understanding for anyone, including me. It's always about him, and he rarely takes responsibility for someone's displeasure with him- instead he blames them for their displeasure. I thought that if I started to extend him more empathy, over time he would do the same to me. I listened to his complaints and righted them-- something he himself noticed and was VERY happy for. I never got that connection where I would say, "Honey, X is bothering me about your behavior" and he would say "I am sorry, let's find a way to deal with this." Instead, his reaction was almost always, "Well that's your problem and not mine." Over time, this is what made me so angry, angry enough to push him away and become oblivious in the arms of another. Little things, too, like not helping me when I was on crutches for months, or not wanting to make time to spend time with my family (just getting him to go to my brother's wedding was a huge deal), piled up over time. He did start to change a bit and soften around the edges, but I knew we needed more time, counseling, and that he had to go within himself and truly determine if I was everything to him-- if I was the person worth working for. That is the point we got to when he asked for a separation last week. Then, going into my email and finding out about my fling, and interrogating me on it and confirming his wildest fears, both about his insecurities, and about me lying to him-- suddenly he acted as if he has loved me more than he let on. LIKE HIM, I also don't know what to believe. But yes, if this has been anything certain, it has certainly been a learning experience at least on my end. I do love him and he has a place in my heart, but our pre-existing problems is what prevents me from thinking this is solely my fault. (Yes, the lying is my fault, but to feel I cannot be open with him is indicative of a strain in our connection, put there by our problems.)

[capilot]

To clarify, the "cheating" occurred on the day we broke up- several hours before the break-up was official (which I am perfectly willing to delineate for him if he wants), and yes, I could not get a hold of him before then. I did not see it as cheating because in my mind the relationship was over for good.

 

Yeah, I don't think it counts as "broken up" if the other person doesn't know about it. You don't get to say "oh, I want to sleep with someone else, so I'm now officially broken up with my boyfriend -- I'll tell him about it later." That's like "My wife and I are in an open relationship, I just haven't told her."

[Ariana9]

HUGE UPDATE! How do you change the subject line?????????????????

 

Here is the missing piece of the puzzle!

 

2 weeks ago, I asked my ex if he was having an emotional affair with an employee of his. He seemed surprised I asked, and said we would talk about it that night. This was something I had noticed with growing unease. I was encouraged by his openness. That night, though, when he came back, he was not open and seemed angry. He denied the emotional affair (I was not accusing him, but I said I needed to know so I would then know what I had to do for myself). 4 days later is when he broke up with me, giving me very flimsy excuses for it. That was on a Sunday.

 

The next Friday is when he found my emails, which he looked for diligently. I now believe he was looking for his excuse. You all know what is coming next.

 

That Sunday was when we had our exchange, as outlined here.

 

Today was Wednesday, and this morning I headed over to our house to check on my cats, during a time when he is at work usually.

 

The front door was chained.

 

I got in after he came down to un-chain it. I went to the kitchen first, but then I needed to know. I headed up the stairs and heard the shower on. I asked if this employee "Jen" was in there. He said yes.

 

I realized he wined & dined her-- he cooked for her and baked her goodies. He treated this as a date, one I think was long-awaited for and anticipated. There was soft music playing in the background, special sheets, message implements, cologne and bath pillows. It was oh so romantic.

 

This is the person I felt guilt for lying to? WOW. All I can say is WOW. My intuition is right. I do not feel bad for anything I ever did toward him. The chain over the door was not for them- it was for me. He had this planned out. Finding my emails was just his excuse, a tool in his own agenda. His intentions here are inconceivable to me. I never meant to hurt him, and I owned up to what I did.

 

Within a day, I packed all belongings and moved out, and have no interest in ever hearing his name again. Everything became crystal clear to me when I walked into that house. All of our problems centered around him having a self-absorbed, narcissistic personality. My mistake was not in lying to him. It was in underestimating my own gut feeling, and in giving him the benefit of my doubt.

[OptomisticGirl]

Hm. Soooo when he did what you did basically, it makes him wrong for it but you right?

 

If I remember correctly you guys were "broken up" when you cheated on him, right? Unless you guys decided to make a go at it again, you guys were broken up. He had every right to have a girl in his apartment. Did he have an emotional affair with her while you were together? Maybe. Maybe not. Who knows. I just find this hilarious. So, in order to justify in your own mind lying and cheating, he is suddenly the bad person for doing EXACTLY what you did to him? Wow.

[Ariana9]

LOL, Op Girl. Yes, he had an emotional affair with her when were together, as well as with his ex while we were together. He romanced her, and that was why I questioned him on it 2 weeks ago. The point is, he did this intentionally to hurt me in the way in which he planned it. I never did it to hurt him, and I was profoundly sorry for having hurt him. He also told me that it was my lie he held against me, when he lied to me well before then. Think it funny as you want, but you're not in this situation, and you don't know the person involved. I do, or did. This is not the same as what I did. But I am glad that we are "even" and I know what kind of person he is to intentionally want to harm me.

[OptomisticGirl]

No, I don't know the person involved but I have been in his position before. It's not a pretty position to be in. Okay fine, no, you didn't cheat on him to hurt him but you did lie to him knowing it would hurt him, so in a way, you did hurt him. And I'm sorry, but him lying to you is separate from you looking in his face and STILL lying to him. I honestly don't say this to be a witch, and it is only just my opinion which doesn't count for much in the grand scheme of things, but it still sounds like a cop out. Sorry, but it does. Even if he was having an emotional affair with this girl you cheated on him physcially first. And FYI, those of us who have been cheated on, tend to lash out at those who broke our hearts.

[Ariana9]

Sure, I understand that. I STILL don't think what I did was right. And I also understand the circumstances around my lie, which you can choose to accept or not. I don't need you to understand that. I did learn a lot from my experiences AND my mistakes as part of that. However, he planned this out and he broke up with me in the first place to be with his employee, after lying to me, YES TO MY FACE, when I point-blank asked him if he was interested in her. Saturday was a farce, and he allowed me to be out of my mind with grief over it when all along, he never intended to really care, anyway. He had his agenda about romancing his new girl. I don't see how I can feel badly for him any more. No one in their right mind would set out to intentionally hurt someone they truly cared about, myself included.

[OptomisticGirl]

Sucks being on that end, doesn't it?

[Ariana9]

No, not really. It just made me realize he's not worth pining for, and it validated my earlier suspicions that something was going on.

 

I was in a bit of denial when his last ex wouldn't talk to me about the relationship, but did ask me 1 question, "Are you safe?" It shook me to hear that, but now I am coming to terms with it. He's not a safe person, and I struggled to feel emotionally safe with him for a long time. Yes, what I need to do now is wonder why I stayed, and deal with that in therapy.

[OptomisticGirl]

And I'm sure him finding out you cheated on him made him realize you weren't worth pining over either.

[PaintWithLight]

So if he had waited longer to pursue Jenn, it would have been okay with you? If you want to find a smoking gun that this was planned to hurt you but maybe it was all about them? Why plan to hurt you and chain the door?

 

Once you guys broke up, flimsy excuse or not, he was a free man. Stay away from him and refocus on what you truly want in life.

[DN]

How could he have planned this all out if you went over there to see the cats when he wasn't there?

[faithful14]

After reading all the posts, my only advice here is to move on. The damage is done and it's only going to be a waste of time to focus your hate on him and going back into the past looking for clues to see if he was cheating on you. The point is, you guys are done and you both are free to see whomever you please. I think the lesson here is not cheat on your SO no matter how bad things are going in the relationship.

 

Grow up, learn from your mistakes, and move forward with someone new= this will be your best chance at happiness.

[Ariana9]

I don't hate him, really. I think he's a sick person, for intentionally wanting to hurt me. I say he knew I would be there because he chained the door to prevent me from getting in (without someone from the inside undoing it). And yes- I went at a time of day when his presence would be unexpected- but he had been there all night with her, so he expected my arrival sometime within that time window.

 

Bottom line: sure, he's a free man. But he brought a woman to our house in a premeditated fashion after making excuses about our break-up, happened to later find a great excuse (which is another matter, yes I know what I did was wrong but fact is, he was breaking up with me before he found out due to his own infidelity!), and then he tried to hurt me. So yeah, that is the bottom line. Call me a terrible person for what I did- at least I was sorry, and I learned from the experience, and I cared about the effect it had on him.

 

I don't dwell here- there is nothing to dwell on. If anything, he did me a favor by showing his true colors.