Insecure, manipulative mother

[orangecounty]

Oh where to begin! I have been dealing with this since I was a child. My mom divorced my dad when I was six years old. She's always had a great many insecurities, once accusing my sister and I when we were 8 years old of sounding "happier" talking to my dad on the phone. This upset us both a great deal, seeing as we weren't any happier talking to my dad. When my mom gets upset, she really doesn't think before speaking and some pretty ugly things can fly out of her mouth. So I'm now an adult and still in the same boat. The only different is that I'm now an adult and I have TRIED to have reasonable, adult conversations with her and she blows up at me. For example, this past summer she asked me very last minute to come and housesit for them for 2 weeks. I don't mind helping my mom and stepdad out but they have travelled A LOT and having to leave my own place for several weeks at a time is starting to get old. I have a life too. And the biggest problem being that I'm never allowed to say "no." So for once in my life I finally told my mom that even though I enjoy helping them out and will continue to do so in the future, there's got to be some balance and I won't be able to housesit for weeks on end every single time they ask. Instead of her thinking that was fair, she blew up at me, told me that god forbid she ever gets sick, I won't be there to take care of her (which of course is not even close to the truth) I'm just feeling at the end of my rope, I feel a thousand times more mature than my own mother. Instead of thinking rationally and hearing me out, she goes to an extreme and thinks "she's never going to help us again," which I know is just manipulation and guilt tatics.

 

Sorry this is so long, it's just been bothering me for a very long time and I don't know how to handle her.

[DN]

Who housesits for you while you are housesitting for your Mom?

 

The way to handle her is not to cater to her tantrums. Simply say "Mom, you are exaggerating and, although I love you, I am not going to respond to that. I'll talk to you later" - and hang up.

[orangecounty]

Hi DN,

 

No one housesits for me. I should clarify, it's not just housesitting, I take care of their dog as well. I've been working hard at my assertive skills but I guess I'm just feeling kind of down about the amount of resistance I've been experiencing from my mom.

[DN]

You are used to catering to her and she is used to it as well. Time to put those assertiveness skills to use.

[orangecounty]

Good point! I feel like the black sheep of the family. My sister and her husband do absolutely everything asked of them, which I know in time will get old. I guess it makes me feel selfish or like a bad daughter at times. If the tables were turned, I wouldn't have such ridiculous expectations of my parents and I don't. I'm always so flexible and understanding and yet I don't feel they respect me in the same way.

[Calima]

She sounds like me!!! Try finding her other options, create new resource ideas for her so she can stop calling on you, and you've shown that you are devoted to helping her out.

[orangecounty]

Hi Calima,

 

I have tried finding other ideas to suggest to her. But I think she sees it as me being selfish and pass the buck to someone else. She had a hard time seeing that when she goes away on holidays that it's not the responsibility of my sister and myself to look after the house and dog. The first time I vocalized my concerns, she simply said "talk to your sister, I'm staying out of this" and yet the whole thing was started by HER. So I told her that it wasn't between us and that she had to take care of this.

[BriarRose]

How often have they asked you to housesit? How far away are they?

[orangecounty]

For a while it was every few months. I don't mind doing a few days here and there but then they left for 4 weeks, didn't even tell me but found out through my sister and my mom only talked to me two days before they left. I guess I'm just tired of having such a childish relationship with my mom. It's like I'm still 12 years old and having to listen to everything she says I have to do. And I'm there when it really matters or they sincerely need help and that will never change.

[BriarRose]

Every few months does not seem excessive to me, but if you don't want to, just tell them you are unable to, that you have a lot going on. How far away do they live from you?

[catfeeder]

Hi Calima,

 

I have tried finding other ideas to suggest to her. But I think she sees it as me being selfish and pass the buck to someone else. She had a hard time seeing that when she goes away on holidays that it's not the responsibility of my sister and myself to look after the house and dog. The first time I vocalized my concerns, she simply said "talk to your sister, I'm staying out of this" and yet the whole thing was started by HER. So I told her that it wasn't between us and that she had to take care of this.

 

Your closing suggestion was smart, but there is no need to booby trap yourself by bringing up sister in the first place. That comes off as trying to outnumber mom by speaking 'for' sister as part of a pile-on. As you can see, it only makes mom defensive while giving her an out--she'll push the issue back to you for resolution with sis. Best to keep your focus between yourself and whichever family member you're dealing with. Don't reach for an absent trio, it will backfire every time.

 

Hang in there. We all become parents to our parents at some point. I'd ditch the idea of comparing yourself with sister and just live your life. If mom likes sister's treatment better, she can always try reaching there instead. If sis ever wants to stand up for herself, that will be her decision to make. Free your mind.

[Calima]

I am wondering now about your stepfather. You can tell me off if it's too personal, but does he have many friends or family outside your mother and step'children'? Why isn't he being looked at to find those needs your mother is looking at you guys for? Surely it would be worth her talking to him to see what he might be able to think of as well? Creating a closer bond to her 2nd husband might be able to take the burden off you two! How long have they been married?