How do I solve this problem?

[PAdreamer]

I have been with my boyfriend for six months now. We communicate pretty well, I think. We always talk our problems out. It's a long-distance relationship, so we have to trust each other a lot.

One of his social activities is going to strip clubs with his buddies. It's really the only way that he can feel included by the guys (he has a disability, so it's been hard for him to make friends), so he doesn't want to jeopardize his "guy time" by saying no.

I absolutely HATE the idea of him paying skanks to take their clothes off so he can oogle at their naked bodies. In my opinion the entire point of being in a relationship is to be committed to one woman. That includes saving anything sexual for HER! He says it's just a part of who he is, but I can't buy that excuse. It honestly really hurts me that he'd purposely go out and do something that he knows makes me feel unworthy and unwanted. He doesn't see it like that.

What can I do to fix this problem?

[mkemmet]

To PA Dreamer....I wouldn't worry about it. There are apparently a few things you need to come to grips with as far as men..... They are sexual creatures, in general far more so than any women I know. But it's harmless, for the most part. I had trouble like this in the past, and one of my good guy friends did me a HUGE favor - took me around for an entire day and shared everything he thought during that day as we went to the mall, restaurants, etc. (This was a NORMAL guy, no more outwardly sexual than a block of cheese, so think of him as your Average Joe.) He noticed everything - and had me wondering about his sanity by the end of the day.......Bottom line: even the normal ones are perverts somewhere inside. Since you're 19,I'm assuming your guy is pretty young too - in the prime of this stage of his life. Capitalize on it - next time you're together, do a striptease of your own & blow his mind (bonus: the strip club will always remind him of you!). What I'm trying to tell you gently is that no man on the face of the earth is ever going to stop looking at other women. The fact that your man has found a rather constructive outlet - ok, I wouldn't be thrilled either, but give him the benefit of the doubt - for the extra "energy" he has in this long-distance relationship is a good sign. I'd be willing to bet he's not cheating is he's going out with the guys to the strip joint once in a while. Surprise him with your easygoing approach to this situation and I guarantee that extra trust will work wonders within your relationship.......

[PAdreamer]

I know that he's not doing it to make me feel bad, and that my feelings of not being good enough are simply my own insecurities coming it. But these insecurities are highly amplified by the fact that (and I'm not trying to be crude here, I swear!) I can't get him off! It's like when we're in bed and I have him all riled up, if I even so much as speak it distracts him and suddenly the urge is gone. I mean, he's still turned on and we still do stuff... I just feel really bad that I can't return the favor, ya know? So when he tells me that he's going to a strip club, a huge part of me is feeling like I don't do it for him, so he's going to another woman to get it. I think that's what hurts me the most.

On top of that, I'm completely against stripping, and paying for strippers. I think it's degrading. I feel sorry for people who think their only asset is their looks, and they're willing to sell themselves to any slime ball who will pay up. And the idea of my man supporting that kind of behavior bothers me a bit.

Another problem is my family. I come from a strong Christian family; my dad is a pastor, my brother is training to be a youth pastor, and my sis-in-law is a missionary kid. If they knew that he was going to strip clubs and all that they would freak out! They would have no respect for him! And I want my family to love him like I do. And I can't hide it from them because, inevitably he'll get a stripper for his bachelor party, so they'll hear about it!

[tucker2583]

I wouldn't worry. I recommend going to a strip club with him so you can see that what takes place is harmless and just for enjoyment. He likes it and if you try and take if from him, that will cause conflict. Think about something you do with your friends; what if he wanted to take that from you? Don't be jealous, he probably looks at these other girls and thinks how lucky he is to have you over them.

[becallamjr]

Padreamer, I'm curious to about getting him off. Why can't you?

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

Fair play, men are sexual creatures.

 

Yes...men and women will always LOOK at other people. Fine. But deliberately seeking them out? PAYING for it? No way in hell would I stand for that...Id have a calm discussion about it and if he cant drop that habit...ew. Itd just sicken me, to be honest. I couldnt go out with a guy who did that. I dont pay for women to take their clothes off for me and Im bi (with leanings towards women over men, slightly), and I know my boyfriend certinaly wouldnt like me to do so.

[melrich]

Guys, This thread is nearly 2 years old.

[OceanEyes]

The girl who posted this topic is now married to the "boyfriend" she was asking for advice about! lol

 

But - there is one thing I have to add to what's been said:

 

He likes it and if you try and take if from him, that will cause conflict. Think about something you do with your friends; what if he wanted to take that from you?

I'm sorry, but I had to laugh when I read this (in a very affectionate, non-condescending sort of way).

 

There is a fairly large difference between attending strip clubs and having some "girly" activity like shopping or the "girls night out".

 

Up until my early twenties, I would actually attend these establishments with my boyfriends. I just didn't care. NOW, if it came down to "causing conflict", I'd just tell him to go and not come back.

 

If you love someone, you tend to want to avoid hurting their feelings. It's about finding someone you're compatible with (same beliefs/ values) and creating reasonable boundaries.