a little frustrated but i guess I will live

[samdog31]

OUr anniversary is tomorrow. He had taken me out for a nice birthday, and I guess I assumed everything was go for our anniversary too.

He is going on vacation for some time away and I assumed we were going to do this before he left. But I got this letter. Not sure if it is geniune or an excuse to push me away.

 

"Why don't we just wait until I get back. One of the reasons I'm going

away is to get my act together and to figure out what is going on in my

life. I know it sounds stupid but I think it's a good idea."

 

I have never got the concept of " I don't know what i want right now" I have always been a very determined and goal oriented person. SO I find this all confusing. Well I scheduled the florist to send him flowers on our anniversary to be delivered tomorrow. I did that on the weekend before this letter arrived. maybe my feelings are just a bit hurt. I felt we were coming along even if just slowly. I have had limited contact with him so i wouldn't smother him the last couple months. So I guess when he comes back I will either hear the good or the bad. I am not really looking forward to that part. Maybe i should cancel the flowers, it was nothing elaborate but I wanted him to know I am thinking about him.

[Gilgamesh]

Hello Sam

 

Go ahead and send the flowers, no matter what his feelings are for you, you do know what yours are.

 

Why don't we just wait until I get back. One of the reasons I'm going

away is to get my act together and to figure out what is going on in my

life. I know it sounds stupid but I think it's a good idea."

 

I have to admit, that letter doesnt look very good, reading beween the lines I read it like this, Our anniversery and relationship isnt as important to me as my wants and needs at the moment, if you dont like it, tough. I need to think stuff over to see if your worth staying with you, I know it sounds like a stupid excuse to you (which it is) but its the best I can make up right now, so bare with me.

 

Ok so i went a bit overboard there, but you get the picture. So when he gets back from his finding-out-what-he-going-to-do-with-you trip I guess you will know soon enough. if he decides he "needs to find himself" as in dumping you, maybe its not such a bad thing for you.

 

See i believe in commitment and love, if you have those two things, there is nothing to think about, its just not that complicated,

[woobiegirl]

I can understand your frustration. I agree with Gilgamesh...go ahead and send the flowers, after all...you are showing your true feelings and your Anniversary is still "real" and your addressing it.

 

I"m afraid that I do think his comment about dealing with it when he gets back is an exuse. An Anniversary is a very special and romantic time...so by spending this time with you it may have made him uncomfortable (pressure) since it sounds as if he doesn't know where his feelings are right now. It seems that the expressions "I need to time to figure things out" is overused and what it might really stand for is..."I'm not sure if I want to continue in this relationship but don't know how to end it or want to hurt you"...

 

It's good your goal oriented...so keep busy, make your own happiness and don't sit by the phone. Go on with your life...don't put it on hold.

 

Hope it works out for you,

 

Woobiegirl

[samdog31]

Well i guess I just get confused cause he is still doing things for me.

[Beec]

I don't read it exactly as Gilgamesh does, and I am not that fond of reading others people's thoughts through what their partner's describe. Sometimes things come through clear, but not often.

 

I might reconsider what you are sending him and the message. You know how you feel, but what do you want to tell him. You should not be telling him you ant him adn will wait for whatever decision he makes, becaus then he will wait even after he returns to committ.

 

When I want to send the mixed message, one that says I care enough to think about sending you something, but I am not sending an undeniable I love you, I go with the plant. A plant can say a lot of things, and it definitely is not blowing him off, but then it is not I love you. It might contain a vague quote or message about needing to care for and nurture something to keep it alive.

 

When you are trying to land them, mixed messages are key. When you want to make them jsut feel great, then not so mixed.

 

If you cannot call the flowers off, then you'll survive.

[samdog31]

I never told him i would wait forever. In fact i gave him a 6 month time line to get his act together even before I walked out the door.

[samdog31]

This week of waiting is gonna kill me. I guess I know after next week either its the end, or just the beginning.

[shockeddismayed]

Beec...

 

I have to say I laughed my butt off when you said " I go with the plant". I agree with everything you said, but there was just something about the delivery that made it sound Seinfeldian.

 

Jerry: So what do you mean you didn't send her flowers? It's a rule... you send flowers!"

 

George: NO! NO! NO! I will NOT send flowers! I sent "the plant".

 

Jerry: (in disbelief) the plant!!?!??

 

George: Yes Jerry, Yes... the "I want you but not THAT much" plant. I sent the plant.

 

Anyway... Samdog. Good for you on giving your EX a timeline. Shows you are firm.

 

I did too... except that I didn't tell her... I just gave her plenty of warning saying my patience wouldn't last forever.

 

By some strange twist of fate, she had sent me her "what we can work on when we get back together letter" the day before my internal deadline. I called her the next day to tell her thank you and she backed away from it saying "yes, but I don't feel ready yet, I still need some time to heal, and I don't know how long it will take". Anyway... by putting that date in my head, getting my hopes up for her letter, only to have them dashed on THE day (4 months from moving out), I ended up over-reacting and telling her she could forget about everything.

 

I didn't want to do that, but I guess that is what happens when you train your mind that A particular day will be the turning point. It ends up becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy.

 

Keep that in mind.

[Beec]

shocked&dismayed, now you've got me laughing. But I do send the plant. Of course, I give flowers too.

 

The plant was a carefully selected message at least once. One a frist or second date, she asked me if I was smitten. Far from it. Wasn't close. So, I did not feel that great when I said "NO", very matter of factly. I wanted to date her again, so I needed the carefully selected message.

 

As an aside she had also complained about her inability with plants.

 

I picked something really easy to care for and sent it with a message about some things taking time to grow. It worked well.

 

My last gf got flowers, but she also got a plant once. Of course, I bought it when we were together, and it was bamboo. So, I explained that a gift of bamboo had some significance and was thought to bring good fortune.

 

So, yes, I sent the plant.

 

Otherwise, I liked what you wrote about deadlines becomeing self-fulfilling prophecies. I can see them and their use, I'd suggest using them but making sure the door was not closed AND locked after the deadline passes.

[samdog31]

Well I am not feeling much better. He should get the flowers I sent sometime today. My girlfriend is saying she things all this points to the end and the nice things he has done for me is purely out of guilt.

 

I guess I was using these signs of nice things such as planing my birthday, as pointers that him going away to think was a good thing and hew would come back refreshed and willing to take the tiger by the tail sort of thing. She seems to think that he is going to come back and tell me to take a flying leap.

 

I guess I just don't understand why he would do all these nice things for me and spend all that wasted engery doing it just to come back and tell me its over. I know if I wasn't interested I wouldn't be making much effort at all. So i don't know who is wrong and who is right

[Beec]

I might choose a third ground. He is being honest in that he does not know what he wants, so he is trying to keep his options open.

 

Look for the answers to the more important questions: what do you want, and how do you get it.

[samdog31]

All I can do I think I am doing. He asked me to do three things and I am doing all of the three things he asked of me.

 

He has asked me to improve my fitness, which even I admit I need to do. and I have been going to the gym 5 days a week and dropped about 30lbs in the last 3 months.

 

He asked me to become more active socially. I have taken up violin and am going out with my friends more. that is hard for cause I have a hard job and would rather be a hermit most times away from work. But it is good for me to go out once in a while.

 

and he has asked me to give him some space to think. i tried push the envelope to begin with and he started to run so I stopped.

 

He has seemed to take notice of the things I am doing. He has told me on more then one occasion i look nice. He was sitting on the couch flipping through my violin book the other night. and when i had my all girl birthday party he showed up to kinda snoop, even though i asked him a couple days prior to bring a couple things i needed. I think he showed up on friday unpurpose to prove I was having a party, rather then coming the night before. So if he is taking an interest in what i am doing even though he is playing his cards close to his chest I think those are all good signs.

 

Or maybe I am just trying to sugar coat things.........

[Beec]

So now you are telling what he says he wants you to do, and you seem to be doing them. That's good.

 

But that's not the whole equation. I don't like to say it, but love, dating and mating is something like an equation, except each of us has at least one different equation, sometimes multiple ones will work. When you input the right numbers, good things come out.

 

Generally, the first part of the equation involves emotional fulfillment, we come to depend on those who give it to us. Give it to us all the time, and we will take it for granted. So, it is an on and off thing. Also, you need to be aloof and independent, but that changes over time. When someone is in love and relies on you, they need to see you rely on them too. That's broad brush.

 

There are also more specific tactics and strategies that allow one to use the general why. These are seduction techniques.

 

What he is thinking I cannot tell you. It may be over and he is just waiting to tell you or it may be that he does not know or whatever. But what will work on him with what contact you have is something you shoudl know or be thinking about. Then you should do it.

[samdog31]

well i guess at this point there is nothing else I can do but sit back and wait. I am trying to analize things trying to predict the future and its not gonna happen. I love him very much and I want this to work so bad. But I can't make him love me back

[Beec]

well i guess at this point there is nothing else I can do but sit back and wait. I am trying to analize things trying to predict the future and its not gonna happen. I love him very much and I want this to work so bad. But I can't make him love me back

 

OK, now you have hit on exactly where we have a disagreement. I think you can, not make, but do things that make it much more likely that he will love you, that he will want you, that he will need you. Is it guaranteed? No way. Is it manipulative? Sure thing. But what's wrong with making him want what you want or at least the thing that matches what you want.

 

It's not science but more like cooking and trying to find the right recipes that he will want to eat more than any one else's cooking and never being able to measure what goes in. But if you understand what makes the dishes taste good to most and gauge how he differs from others, then you might be able to do some good cooking.

[samdog31]

but I don't possibly know what else I can be doing. I still tell him I love him when ever I see him. I sent him flowers for our anniversary (which he will get today). I have no idea what else I can do to make him want me. OTher the what he has already asked me to do.

[Beec]

Well, it's obvious you are not getting my point.

 

If you tell him you love him all the time, you are not sending any mixed messages. Something you should do. You certainly are not turning on the emotional fulfillment, then withdrawing it, you just have it on all the time. So then, he has no question in his mind that you want him, so he can sit back and think aboptu what you want. And if he sets youf ree he thinks youwill eb there should he want to come back.

 

He is setting and controlling the agenda. How can you change that?

 

You are thinking of love as if people were puppies and just because one walks up to you wagging his tail and acting happy is reason enough to want to pet and play with it. You are not a puppy, you are a person, it requires a little mroe than saying I love you all the time, which I would tell you to stop saying unless you are hearing it all the time from him.

 

You are and have been chasing him, chasing him down with your feelings, instead of trying to think about what would make him feel more for you and want you more. To change you need to udnerstand why we fall in love and why we can be seduced. Chasing is anti-seductive, clingy, needy behavior. You are not independent or aloof, you are clinging to him. You are giving emotional fulfillment than withdrawing it. You are not sending mixed messagesw, making yourself the object of desire, etc., etc.

 

Think about who and what women keep their men. What women get men to follow them like puppies, confident, sexy women who are a little aloof, that make men happy for short periods of time that wait for the man to chase them.

 

You need to change your thinking.

[samdog31]

I guess I am not good at playing games. I am a very honest and straightforward person and i tend to get confused when someone plays games with me. So I try and not play games with them.

 

I don't understand how playing games gets me anywhere. I have shown him i am independent. I have moved on and become socially active without him. i only tell him i love him when he leaves me for the evening or we end a conversation. I guess i just believe we don't have long on this earth and i want him and everyone else I love to know it. I just don't think game playing is an effective way of healing things. Maybe I am just mis interpretting what you are saying I don't know really.

[Beec]

Why are you worried about healing things? I would not be. Yes, I would be playing a bit of a game, but my game would be to get him to want and be happy with what you want, him and you married and in love, etc. If he wants that and you want that, then who loses the game? No one.

 

Is it being dishonest to not let him know all that you are thinking? I wouldn't think so. You're not under an obligation to tell him everything you think and do.

 

My point is that you have him nibbling at your bait, but not taking your hook. To some extent you may be hindering your ability to get him to take the hook, so you can get him in your boat.

 

I see no problem with a few games played with an honest intent. You cannot persuade him to want you, but you could do this to make it more likely that he would. If you are meeting him with an equal committment, what's the game?

[RayKay]

samdog:

 

It is not so much playing games, as being exciting and a bit mysterious. People are attracted to what they can't have...or really more to what they feel they COULD lose. Yes you are moving on with your social life, but you have not shown him you are also ready to move on with your emotional life - with or without him.

 

As Beec said, being clingy or available is not attractive, I truly believe being too available led to end of my relationship. I tried so hard to make my ex feel secure that I was not going to hurt him (as he was hurt by past gfs badly) and made him feel so comfortable and trusting, that he ended up taking me for granted. It is hard to "switch" for me into being more emotionally distant, and I stumble a few times, but it is something that I can see the reason for. It does not mean I never let him know I care about him, it just is to make him realize he cannot take it for granted that I will always feel that way without effort from him.

[samdog31]

well i haven't told him everything. But I have made it a point to make it obvious when he comes over that I am doing all the things he has asked of me. I have left my violin out to tell him I am taking lessons. I have spent money on my wardrobe to reveal that i have lost a great deal of weight etc.

 

I don't share with him where I am going and whom I am going with. or what i have been up to. I don't know where else I can create the mystery.

[samdog31]

well he emailed me about the flowers and said thank you they are very nice!

[Beec]

samdog31,

 

I sent you a pm.

 

Seems clear the he cares about you, likes you, etc. He is nibbling. Don't just let him nibble. Set the hook, reel him in, stick the gaff in his gills and drop him in your boat. Don't wait for the fish that comes along and jumps in your boat, that's usually not a smart fish.

[samdog31]

Thanks I am feeling alittle now

[samdog31]

Well I booked a trip for myself and told him i need him to drop off my passport. I didn't tell him where I was going. is that mysterious enough?