Recent death made me realize.....

[InaDaze87]

I am 23 years old and there are some things that you just do expect to happen around that age. Today a 20 year old classmate of mine died from cancer. He was pretty well known on campus because he was a football player for our school Mississippi State University.

 

Anyhow, at the beginning of October, October 1st to be exact he went to the doctor because of really bad migraine headaches. They found a cancerous tumor on his brain, removed it, and things started to look better. They even said he would be back healthy in no time. Yesterday he took a dramatic turn for the worse and died early this morning leaving everyone in utter shock and disbelief. Almost exactly 30 days before he was playing football in the SEC and was damn good at it.

 

This sudden turn of events made me realize how quickly life can be taken away from us. It also made me realized that my ex and I have had a pretty horrible break up almost exactly 30 days ago in which we didn't speak for about 25 of those 30 days. The same 30 days that a person that I use to see everyday walking around, laughing, talking, and even playing football entire life changed and died. He also had a girlfriend, friends, family, and I'm sure ex-girlfriends.

 

I can't even imagine how I would feel if my ex, who I still love with all my heart, was suddenly taken away from me. And to think that in those same 30 days were we went without speaking just to prove to ourselves and each other that we can go without "speaking" or having no contact at all to at least say I still love you or miss you or just to say I'm sorry makes sick to my stomach. It makes me realize how stupid and self-centered we can all be sometimes as people. Who's to say that I wasn't supposed to be in that guys shoes 30 days ago or my ex?? It could have easily been any of you who are reading this just as it could have been myself or the young man it happened to.

 

I guess all I am trying to say is don't take simple things like breaking-up with you gf or bf so serious to the point were they or yourself could possibly die tonight, tomorrow, or the next day not having told them that you are sorry and how much you love and miss them if you do. Even if you hate or resent them for breaking your heart take out the time to at least let them know how you truly feel about them. Even if it makes you look or feel stupid, weak, or embarrassed. Because I can promise you all that if that person in our life were to die tonight without us having the chance to say how we felt, it would hurt much longer and deeper than it would if we did share our feelings with them.

[90_hour_sleep]

thanks for sharing this.

 

important reminder to always keep the bigger perspective in sight.

[woodc5]

I completely agree with this. Thank you for bringing this to attention as sometimes we may forget how fragile not only our lives are, but also the lives of those we care about.

[AmericanHuney]

I'm so sorry to hear of your friend, this is very sad news for such a bright soul as you descibed him.

[journeynow]

Yes. Thank you.

[Happens4aReason]

Thank you for such a moving story.. Its so true.. I have an experience similar to this, though the person who died was much older.. Last time I saw him, he was completely healthy and this time he was so ill that he could not even speak or even move.. It just seems like it happened all of a sudden.. That was a big eye opener for me.. Life is too short to be filled with hatred, fights, jealousy etc.. One life.. Live it well..

[AutumnBorn]

When you do the best you can, you can't have regrets, no matter what happens today or tomorrow.

 

My ex has become inhuman. I wear my heart on my sleeve. He periodically stabs it. I don't know that I'd mourn his passing. The only regrets I have involve giving him ammunition to cause me pain. I told him he did the best he could. He told me I was wrong to fight for my family. I told him he was the love of my life. He told me he never felt that way about me and doesn't feel anything now. He told me I never apologized for anything, but couldn't tell me what I'd ever done wrong. Finally, I realized he wanted me to apologize for interferring with his life, for changing the course of it by not aborting our son when he asked me to. I did apologize, but not for refusing to have an abortion, but for not disappearing when he asked. He thanked me for the apology and said he forgives me. What would there be to mourn or regret if he died?

 

I did the best I could. I guess if you were involved with a human being, you might have regrets.

[InaDaze87]

I am sorry to hear that you feel that way. I didn't say that it would be easy to forgive the person that hurt you but I truly believe that holding on to that type of resentment, indifference, or hate would eventually eat away at you as a person. Possibly even affecting your relationship with your son and his future relationships with women. Creating an ongoing cycle of hurt and pain that originally started with you and his father. I know that's half of the reason my ex and I have struggled in our relationship these past 2 years. Her parents inability to put aside themselves led to her questioning any type of love she comes accross that is not abuse, cheating, belittlement, or some form of turmoil in a relationship

 

Just because you confess your feelings doesn't mean the person you confess to has to accept them. But you doing so it not for their benefit but for YOURS. Besides how much better of a human are you than he if you couldn't at least mourn for you son's loss of a father no matter how bad of a person he may have been to you?? It may not even be your ex who dies, it could possibly be you or God forbid you son. Would you want to die with all of this resentment held inside of you??

[AutumnBorn]

Did you not read what I wrote? You have read much into what I didn't say. When we do that, it's really difficult to communicate on an effective level. That's actually a huge problem of my former husband's. He nearly lost his job over it and one reason why his doctor told him to go into counseling. My ex actually hears things people don't say...like I said "I did the best I could" got twisted in his head to "you didn't try hard enough" (though I've always said he did everything he could, did his absolute best) so he said "well, you're quite the failure then, aren't you?" I wouldn't miss that in the least. Forgiving him doesn't mean I have to be his whipping boy or tolerate emotional abuse.

 

I have no resentments. He does. I have been nothing but kind and forgiving at every turn. It doesn't mean forgetting what he said or did and it doesn't mean I wouldn't appreciate an end to the torment he attempts to put me through. (And maybe that infuriates him.) I will not be baited. I am pleasant and gentle with him even in the face of his outrageous behavior. I don't have to tolerate that sort of treatment from anyone. Until this year, we spent every holiday together, but I had to put myself above his need to hurt me. There is no reason for it. It also doesn't mean I have to tolerate his behavior, even though there are aspects of him I love very much. I believe he's a sociopath. His behavior is not humane. It is too often outrageous. Not always, but too frequent.

 

I said I wouldn't mourn his death. I didn't say I wouldn't feel horrible for our children. My feelings for them are completely separate than my feelings for my ex.

 

I did tell my ex how I felt about him. He responded by telling me how he never felt that way for me and feels nothing for me. I didn't say I expected him to respond the same way. I was explaining why I would have no regrets if he were to die tonight. He has made it hard to feel anything at all for him. Indifference is not a negative thing. I love the man I married. I have no idea who this doppleganger pretending to be him is, but my husband is gone. A friend of mine is a psychiatrist. He indicated my ex most likely has some sort of personality disorder (with a touch of sudden onset Tourette's? I may have come up with a new disorder here...)

 

When I die, I'll die in peace. I doubt it would affect my ex in the least. If I lived to see either of my children die, I'd be inconsolible, but would have no regrets regarding telling them how I feel about them. I tell and show them how much I love them at every opportunity.

[Triplell]

I heard the story about the Mississippi State football player and it is very sad to hear. Everyone that knew him, his friends and family, are in all our prayers.

 

I agree that you shouldn't resent, or hate your ex. You can't however think "I loved this person with my whole heart, and despite the fact that they have given up on the relationship, I need to keep them in my life for fear that I may die tomorrow".

 

It's sad when these tragedies happen, but they are rare circumstances. The same thoughts went through my head, as I had a couple of class mates pass away at young ages due to traffic accidents. Being as I am on the road a lot, after my breakup, I was under the impression that I could pass away at any point. My ex and I had what seemed to me as an amazing 2 years together, with a few mistakes on both our parts that we were never to fully get over. After the breakup, she told me that we would probably get back together at some point, but at that point, she needed some space.

 

I made the mistake of assuming the worse, and not wanting to risk losing her, I tried to let her know how much I loved her and how much she meant to me and that I would be so upset if I never was to see her/hear from her again. She wasn't having any of it.

 

Again, sorry for your loss. Spend time with those who are important in your life.

[InaDaze87]

I completely agree with what you are saying here. The point I was originally trying to make was that in those short 30 days that his life changed, I was too busy worrying about my broken heart, my feelings, and the way I felt inside. Of course I still love her and I know that I can't go around trying to hold on to her for the fear of death coming for either of us. That's just crazy talk. But in those 30 days that went by we didn't speak at all and some of the last things we said to each other were almost the complete opposite of I love you, miss you, and forgive you. For ME that's a big deal! And what happened Tuesday morning made me realize the bigger picture, weather she and I get back together or not at least I know that I put it all out on the table, so to speak.