He is probably going to move across the country..

[penelope13]

There is more you need than love to make a relationship work, love is just the foundation. There is also more you need in life to be happy than a relationship. Your ex demonstrated his seriousness about you by willing to relocate for you, something that you admittedly would not be willing to do for him; thus there is no need on your part to doubt if he was ever serious about you or not.

 

Unfortunately he experienced that there are many things/ factors necessary to make oneself happy. His head/ heart was probably constantly in agony because he was missing home/friends/family while knowing that there was no easy solution to 'having it all'. Living constantly with split emotions can honestly corrode the emotional/physical/psychological well being of a person. This is not a question of who or what is more important, but realizing that it's all equally important and necessary.

 

Since you said there were other issues in the relationship there is really no incentive for him to remain in a situation where he is constantly feeling that he is in the wrong spot. Since there is something he can do about this, he is being proactive in finding a solution for himself.

 

I can relate to how hard it is to accept, but you have really no right to expect from him to continue suffering just for the off chance that in the far distant future you may work out your differences.

 

Just keep reminding yourself that you are/were not willing to relocate for him, thus it will be easier for you to accept that he is doing what is right for him.

[-Sanguine-]

It's just hard for me to accept that I was more into this than he was.

I do.. deep down, believe that this is for the best and one day I will meet someone who won't ever make me cry. Or I won't have to worry about their drinking habits. Someone who I can talk to and he won't push me away if it's about my feelings. Someone who hasn't emotionally cheated on me. Geez, why am I so attached to him after what I've gone through? Because the first year was amazing.. and it's hard to let go.

 

I really appreciate your kind words and motivation. I need that right now. Thanks.

[-Sanguine-]

Yeah, what you say is very true. I have no right to expect him to continue suffering. But I do know that if we would have stayed together and gone on to get engaged, or head in that direction.. I most likely would have been willing to move somewhere he chose. But there is no use in thinking about that now.

[penelope13]

But I do know that if we would have stayed together and gone on to get engaged, or head in that direction..

 

There are a lot of ifs in this statement. You decided that a break-up was necessary before the relocation question even arose.

 

You are stuck with the fantasy of the relationship in your head. That's what makes it so hard to let go.

 

Once you can distinguish the fantasy from reality it will get easier: he wasn't a prince charming, he didn't treat you right, he emotionally cheated on you.

 

You can hang on to the fantasy, but you should simple recast your Prince Charming.

 

It's also quite unlikely that you will ever find someone who will never upset you, who will never make you cry, who will always be putting your needs before your needs - that is just unrealistic. Even the best relationships have challenges and phases were not everything is bliss.

[-Sanguine-]

There are a lot of ifs in this statement. You decided that a break-up was necessary before the relocation question even arose.

 

You are stuck with the fantasy of the relationship in your head. That's what makes it so hard to let go.

 

Once you can distinguish the fantasy from reality it will get easier: he wasn't a prince charming, he didn't treat you right, he emotionally cheated on you.

 

You can hang on to the fantasy, but you should simple recast your Prince Charming.

 

It's also quite unlikely that you will ever find someone who will never upset you, who will never make you cry, who will always be putting your needs before your needs - that is just unrealistic. Even the best relationships have challenges and phases were not everything is bliss.

 

I do live in a little fantasy world right now.. the relationship is stuck in my head and I can't let go.

 

I know that I will never find someone who won't upset me. I know there are always going to be hardships in relationships and I don't expect to always be put first. But I sure as hell hope I can find someone who will treat me better than I've been treated for the last months of this relationship.

[penelope13]

In order for you to find someone who will treat you with respect and the love you want, i.e. better than your ex - you have to let this guy go! ;-)

[-Sanguine-]

In order for you to find someone who will treat you with respect and the love you want, i.e. better than your ex - you have to let this guy go! ;-)

 

But how do I let go of all the good memories? I know there's been bad this year. But last year was amazing and it's hard to forget that.

[penelope13]

You don't have to let the memories go or erase them. You can treasure them forever, however you have to stop believing that those memories are reality or could be reality. You have already experienced that although the first year was so great, the last year was bad. Good memories are not an indication/ guarantee that the present and future will remain the same.

 

Just because you are letting go of him, you do not have to let go of those fond memories. They are part of your past and your history. Instead of looking at them as a sign of what you have lost, look at it like that: wow, for a whole year I was really happy, a year I could have been miserable/ bored. Start to realize as well, that he is not the only source/ opportunity for you to create more and new or even better memories. See it as a proof that you have all the qualities to create wonderful memories with whomever or in whatever situation.

 

Take each new day as an opportunity to do something new and exciting with your life.

 

Use the past to propel you forward. If you continue to only look back, you will be stuck and you will miss out on a lot of opportunities in life.

[-Sanguine-]

All of this makes sense.. I just have to accept that it's over..

[diamond78]

Lots of great advice in this thread.

 

I know you probably don't want to hear this, but you are 19 which means you have A LOT of years ahead of you. There will be more relationships, love, hurt, etc. as time goes on. Trust me, one day you will move on. It just takes time.

 

There are guys in my past I thought I would not be able to get over and I did. Once you take an active stance to move on, it makes the process a whole lot easier. You're grieving right now as that is to be expected, but try not to stay in that place for too long.

[-Sanguine-]

I guess he doesn't hate the city we live in. He's grown to like it, he said. But that doesn't matter..

[lavenderdove]

A successful relationship is about far more than just love feelings...

 

For a relationship to go the distance, you have to also have shared goals, compatible personalities and habits, shared interests, a willingness and commitment to negotiate problems and differences rather than just fight about them.

 

So the love feelings are only a small part of what makes a relationship succeed. Young people especially don't know that or accept it.

 

So if one of his goals is to stay close to friends and family, live in a place he is comfortable with and adores, while your goal is to be elsewhere or move around or NOT live where his friends and family are, then it doesn't really matter how much you 'love' each other in the long run if he feels the rest of his life is not giving him what he wants, and you've determined what you want and need is to NOT live where he feels he needs to live.

 

It sounds like the problems were more than just where you are living, if he is saying that is not relevant to his decision to leave. Perhaps when you spent more time together in the same place, it just became apparent that you were not compatible in other ways... i know that is hard, but to take a relationship into the long-term, there has to be a lot more areas where you get along and agree than just love feelings.

[_Asti_]

While circumstances do play a part, you do realize you are asking alot of WHAT IFs. A relationship shouldn't have that many WHAT IFs.

 

My fiance moved here when he decided to attend college. He had no intentions of staying in this city as all his good friends were back 'home' thats where he grew up and always imagined he'd returned to.

 

Well he met me and never did. Does he like it here? Not so much in the beginning, but for him..it was a matter of 'wherever we are, im happy'

 

You place alot of what ifs.

And I think the relationship, if it was good and healthy, wouldn't have those what ifs. In general.

 

If he didn't want to figure things out...

If he hadn't had the accident...

If he could have friends and a relationship...

 

Those are things that can happen in any city. It has nothing to do with where you are living. An accident could have happened half away the country, he would still have to balance friends and a relationship, he may still question what he wants whevere he is.

 

Where his living I think is irrelevant. The problems you two had seemed to be very general.

 

And if he was that unhappy and miserable and unpleased, thats just the way it is. Here or accross the country. The relationship would have probably still faced similar problems.