Jaded? Or part of the cycle?

[RedDress]

I have a problem. Sorry for the length...

 

First - a little background on me and my dating history. I am a 33 year old reasonably successful, educated woman who is quite goal-oriented. A few years ago, I left "home" to move 300 miles away due to a stellar job opportunity. At first, I put my dating life on hold for a variety of reasons (wanting to eventually move back "home" at some point amoung other things). I've recently decided that after a few years, I'm not moving "home" anytime soon and it's time to jump back into the dating pool. If I end up in this city long term, so be it. So - being newish to the city, I created a profile on an online dating site.

 

What I am looking for is fairly simple. Someone I get along with (not hard to do) and the "golden" three - a career/direction in life of some sort, a place and a car. Why the "golden" three? (I have all these things myself, btw) It's not a superficial thing. I don't really care about possessions. I date guys with nothing ALL the time. It's about my dating history.

 

So what is my dating history? Actually, I've got a whole cycle going. First I date a man with "potential". My friends and family laugh about it ALL the time. I find these guys... they are always smart, friendly, caring, etc. and they have a lot of "potential" as a mate. But they never fulfill their potential. To give you an example...

 

Guy #1 - HIGHLY intelligent. Funny. Honest. Caring. GREAT guy. Dated for 6 years - but he was a bum. Never had a job, always had an excuse. He wanted to be a writer... he had sleep/depression issues... he wasn't qualified to get a job in our area... Meanwhile, I was working and going to school full-time. I eventually broke up with him because I was working towards our future - working, working - and he was a bum. It got to me. I couldn't see it EVER changing, so I left.

 

THEN, in my cycle, the same thing happens. I get mad and I date Superman. Example:

 

Guy #2 - Not so intelligent. GREAT guy. Total work horse. This guy worked not one but TWO jobs and DJ'ed on the side. LOL! Just because he was THAT goal-oriented. Of course... when someone works 2 1/2 jobs they don't really have time for you. Completely unavailable. So... you see them when you see them. I'm not needy or anything... but... ya know? I'd like to see my bf more than once a week. LOL! So, I left.

 

Repeat cycle. Different guys. Different stories. Same cycle.

 

So, now I'm online. Check out the two guys I've been dating:

 

Guy A: The guy with "potential". 39 years old. The physicist. Smart. Witty. Available. He used to have a house, a car and a job... but he decided to go back to school (to become the physicist). When he finished school (in a very rural area), he got a job with the university. Eventually his funding was cut and he moved back to the "big city" where I am now. He sold his car (I don't really care about this), he moved into his parents to settle in a new city (he's only been there 6 months) - but at the very least he had a job. A good job. Of course... lo and behold... after date #2, he gets laid off (it has only been 4 dates, btw). Now, I completely understand this scenario. I do. But look! I am dating another man who has no car, no job and lives at home with his parents (!). To his credit - he hasn't been a bum or anything (he pays his own way and occasionally for me). The thing that bothers me is that when I ask him about the job search, he says he's thinking of looking for his own funding and applying for these programs. It stresses me out. We haven't been dating very long (so I don't know him well) - and that's part of the problem. Is this guy going to be a bum? Or is this a 'transition' phase? I can deal with a transition phase... but for how long?? I expect my mate to pull their weight. They don't have to pull MINE... but they have to pull THEIRS.

 

Since we are not exclusive, I am also dating another guy. Wait for it...

 

Guy B: Superman. This guy is great. 36 years old. Awesome job. The "golden" three. Extremely outgoing. LOVE talking to this guy. Fun to be around. His job, however, goes in spurts. Right now it's "on" - so he works 16 hour days and often weekends too. He totally makes an effort to talk to me and see me when he can, but it's completely sporadic. It's not unusual to go a week or two without seeing him. Of course - I'm also not his gf, so I don't expect to be his top priority. To HIS credit, btw - he is also tired of the crazy hours and schedule and has recently applied for another position that is more sane. It will probably be a few weeks until he hears back.

 

I dunno.

 

Part of me thinks I am jaded and I'm jumping to conclusions about these guys. That I should give them a chance. But which one? On personality alone, I like them both. I've been on 3 and 4 dates with each of them and I'm sure it's going to start to get physical soon. I will need to choose at some point.

 

Part of me thinks that I'm making the SAME mistakes. I mean, really.

 

So - what do I do? Do I date Guy A? Guy B? Do I throw them both back and look for Guy C who has what I'm looking for? There is no such thing as the perfect person... GAH!

 

An outside perspective would really help.

 

TIA!

[catfeeder]

The first thing on your desirable list is career. Since both of these guys give you a tight stomach in that area, why not listen to your gut?

[RedDress]

Thanks, Catfeeder. I think you are right. I never really thought of it that way... but it's true that my career is very important to me. I guess it's logical that it follows that I want a guy who is career-oriented as well. I think what I struggle with is that it feels so... wrong... to not be with someone based on their career or career choice. And I really like these guys! But it's true that I'm ultimately waiting for or looking for their situation to change.

 

Blah!

[catfeeder]

If the word 'judgment' rings something taboo in you, then think of it as using discretion instead. Also consider the phrase 'applying good judgment' as considering all things In Context.

 

When searching for a needle in a haystack it makes no sense to derail yourself by fixing a fascination on every piece of perfectly valid and beautiful piece of straw you handle during your quest. There's nothing 'wrong' with the straw, but you're looking for metal.

 

You're already arranging pieces of your puzzle when you examine patterns in your past. Don't miss the crucial step of putting them together: Your goal is C. You keep pressing A, and B pops up--and you don't want B. So stop pressing A.

 

Move past that pattern and work some of the other letters.