Optimism vs NC?

[cuddlebug]

Hey guys,

 

I am really struggling with something and wondering if anyone has advice.

 

I am a very proactive and optimistic person. When I have a problem, I think, "I can solve that." I got 3 undergrad degrees and a Ph.D. I have athletic accomplishments. I have had great jobs and have had leadership roles. My friends and family value me, I am pretty good at things, and I think my self esteem is pretty high.

 

My natural inclination is to try, like I always do, to put up a good fight and make something positive out of the relationship with my ex. It's been 3 months or so NC and I'm thinking about reaching out to ask him to do a fun activity that we once shared (through some happenstance I will be at the location where he does it, for a month), in a casual and low key way.

 

BUT part of me wonders if I'm better off walking away completely. The guy just did not give any indication that he loved me or thought I was the one, and we dated for a few months. He said he didn't have strong feelings for me. He dated online while we were dating and we broke up when I called him on it. He never strongly pursued me, though he did ask me out regularly. I liked the guy and thought there were positive things about our relationship. Sometimes I think that at the very least maybe I could get a friendship about it, or that showing up to face the music so I can be sure, sure, sure is the right thing to do.

 

I don't know, though. I find the whole situation very perplexing. I'm worried about not trying, then having regrets. I'm also worried about getting stuck by making contact when I shouldn't. is this a time to leave my optimistic attitude at the door?

 

Are any of you also very proactive and optimistic people who have decided to go NC, and how do you reason through it?

-CB

[manicdogbert]

Thing is, you might find that he's not ready (or over you enough) to hang out with you.

 

I don't know if I would do that so soon after the break up. I would like to be friends with my ex again at some point but I know I'll need to do NC for a while so I could get over him (and he could get over me). For me, the question is - How will we both know when either of us are ready to be friends? I don't know if I can answer that. I guess I'll just have to let fate decide that...

[Mustachio]

Well I might not be very proactive or optimistic in other aspects of my life, but with my long term ex, I was proactive in the sense that I didnt want to just let it go without a fight.

 

My situation was different in that the severity of the things she did warrants me not talking to her. But I digress.

 

I think you really need to take a step back and figure out what you stand to gain or lose from making contact. Is a friendship something you really want? Would you be able to handle a friendship without your feelings coming into play? Would you be able to handle being rejected even for just an offer of friendship? Can you forgive him for dating behind your back (even if no agreement was made not to)?

 

I think once you consider questions like these it will be a lot easier for you to make a decision. Im sorry I dont have any direct advice one way or another, but only you will be able to tell whether or not contacting him is worth it to you.

[ForumGuy]

With all that you said about him being not all that interested, I suggest leaving it alone. But if it is an issue that will continue haunting you, you had better take some action to hopefully put it to rest. If you can handle a rejection or non-response (who really knows about handling it til it happens, right?), then ask him through whatever means most comfortable to you to do your said activity. Just remember the possible outcomes and I'm probably not telling you anything you haven't figured out for yourself!!

[SocialStigma]

If you're over him and wouldn't be bothered if he says no or ignores you, then I say go for it.

[SapphireNoir10]

I would just let it go. You sound sucessful and happy. Do you really need him in your life?

[rapunzel]

It depends on the circumstances. If he dumped you after not pursuing you very much, doing online dating *while* you were dating, told you he did not have very strong feelings for you, what is it you hope to gain out of seeing him again? Methinks you are secretly hoping that you will be able to re-attract him to you by hanging out and being fun and positive.

 

I tried that with my ex although it was 9 months and since we are in a band together, I never had full No Contact for 3 months. When he dumped me he said he was "just not feeling it". I was more into it than he was, and it sounds the same for you. To pursue him again, well now it's been 2 years (yes...I know) and although I realize it would be a fool's errand, sometimes I wonder if I should suggest an outing. He is currently single and I have seen him on a free online dating site.

 

But then I realize I'm asking for more heartache. Sure, he might spend the day or evening with me doing something fun, but at the end of the day he's going to walk away from me, and he'd rather go home and sleep alone than be with me. And that will just make me feel bad - again. And I've had enough of feeling bad.

 

So think about how that might feel - you might have a fun time together but what if he makes no indication of wanting to reignite or take things any further. Do you really want to be just "friends" with this guy?

 

If I were you and had 3 months of NC under my belt, I'd keep going. You might eventually hear from him but I'd give it another 3 months and then see how you feel.

[purplemermaid]

 

 

But then I realize I'm asking for more heartache. Sure, he might spend the day or evening with me doing something fun, but at the end of the day he's going to walk away from me, and he'd rather go home and sleep alone than be with me. And that will just make me feel bad - again. And I've had enough of feeling bad.

 

Bingo. That's it for me too. Because I felt it so much more than he did, and because we still see each other everyday and have to speak, I know if he were to become single in the future and I asked him to do something fun with me, chances are he'd say yes, but he would be seeing it as casually spending time with a friend, and that would be all, and I'd be crushed. But then I'd start hoping again, maybe suggest something a little while later, hoping that would be the time something happened, and the agony would continue.

 

To the OP, it's an unfortuate thing that most of the time, the person with the stronger feelings makes themselves less attractive by pursuing and making things easy, and the less interested person makes themselves more attractive to the other by being harder to obtain.

 

I'm a very optimistic person, but there's a big difference between being optimistic and ambitious.

Optimism is the belief and hopfulness that something will turn out well, it is not related to the course of action you take. It's all in your head.

If you are optimistic about the two of you and you really felt that things could work out well, that's understandable, but it's all you, and nothing to do with him and how he feels.

If you are ambitious and want to make something happen, then that's a whole other kettle of fish cos it's out of your head and happening in the real world, and if he isn't interested, there's nothing you can do to change that.

 

What you have achieved in life based on your own abilities is something you can control, this is not.

 

People often want what they can't have, if they make themselves too available to the object of their desire (and I have to say I think this especially applied to women), it's just an anathema to the other party.

 

Chill out, if he's mean to come back to you, he will. Happens every day. Chances are though it would be when you've stopped wanting him to.

[uncomfynumb]

I love that you are proactive and confident. But these things don't always give you control over a situation if it involves another person and their feelings. And if someone dumped you, that means that they do not want to be with you anymore. If they wanted to be with you, they would call you and arrange outings, dates and the like. Doesn't seem like your ex is doing that, so leave him alone.

 

Read over the forums. The majority of people that chase after exes end up regreting the contact they made. Keep on keeping on. If your ex wants you, he will call you.

[cuddlebug]

Well, it seems like the responses are pretty consistent, except for one or two. No contact should continue. Thanks so much for the insights.

 

Rapunzel was right with, "Methinks you are secretly hoping that you will be able to re-attract him to you by hanging out and being fun and positive." Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's true. Sigh. Back on the wagon!

[cuddlebug]

Sorry, I deleted this post.

[nsaa0426]

Well the thing with my ex is that our NC is mostly because I need to raise my self esteem and for me to not just heal from the break up and instead to be able to focus on my life once mor einstead of him all the time. He said he still wants to be friends with me but its hard to hope when you arent seeing it. If he wasnt that really interested in you, dont contact him. My ex still likes me ( at least that is what he said) but Im not looking for him.

[snoopydog]

The guy just did not give any indication that he loved me or thought I was the one, and we dated for a few months. He said he didn't have strong feelings for me. He dated online while we were dating and we broke up when I called him on it. He never strongly pursued me, though he did ask me out regularly.

There lies your answer.

[cuddlebug]

Ok, I emailed my ex!! He didn't write back yet, and maybe won't. The message was brief, friendly, and polite. I asked him to get together for a casual activity we both do. I feel good. I got it out of my system. I feel like now I have done my part, and I can stop thinking about it, and somehow it's opened my heart to the next guy or the next experience, or whatever.

 

Definitely no regrets, at least not so far.

[rapunzel]

Ok, I emailed my ex!! He didn't write back yet, and maybe won't. The message was brief, friendly, and polite. I asked him to get together for a casual activity we both do. I feel good. I got it out of my system. I feel like now I have done my part, and I can stop thinking about it, and somehow it's opened my heart to the next guy or the next experience, or whatever.

 

Definitely no regrets, at least not so far.

 

Hey cuddlebug, as long as you're OK with it. A lot of us have done it, in some form or another. There is nothing inherently "wrong" with contacting an ex and as long as you can keep your expectations in check, then more power to you. If he doesn't write back to you, then you will definitely have your answer and you can truly move on and find someone else.

 

If he does write back and agrees to the outing, this is where it gets really tricky. It's important to be honest with yourself about your hopes, desires and expectations. We are human so we try to deny our deepest emotions when it comes to an ex. We give that person, the ex, so much power over ourselves and it's a really vulnerable spot to be in, so in order to cope we tell ourselves "I can handle it", "I have no expectations, whatever happens, I'm OK with it." If you do get together with him, realize that you do have an ulterior motive and it's going to be a challenge to try to mask that. It's actually a very brave thing to do, to get together with an ex because it is a risky endeavor from an emotional standpoint.

 

Always remember that whatever happens, you are going to be OK. You have power over YOU, not him. You always have yourself and we have to love and take care of ourselves first, always.