Love my girlfriend dearly but no passion

[bpm103]

I have been with my girlfirned now going on 3 years. OUr sex life has always been less than fulfilling for me. There have been times that I have been into it but if I look at the overall picture I have to say that it is THE missing element in our relationship. I have been unfaithful to her and also have dabbled too much in internet pornography. Over the past 2 months I have made some major changes in my life (no more drinking/partying/etc). I also decided to move in with her. We get along great, rarely fight, and she is very iunderstanding and supportive of all I do. We enjoy many of the same things and generally have a fun time doing whatever.

 

The lack of passion is turning into the elephant in the room. Every night it seems like there is tension because I am just not interested. I am being treated for mild depression but I am wondering if this is something that I can overcome since my life is "cleaned up" or if this is just a case of lack off sexual attraction. It totally breaks my heart... worse even than the other break ups in my life where I was left hanging... because she is my best friend. Thanks.

[civilservant]

Mild depression is definatly something that will cause a lowering of sex drive, however it seems that this might do beyond that. You may not experiance any drive to have sex, but what do you think when you look at her? Are you still attracted to her? I suppose you must look at it like this... if that desire never returned, could you remain in this relationship? Plenty of people get what they need from a relationship without any sex.

[Mauxly]

You've been unfaithful? Does she know this?

This is a huge red flag for me. If she doesn't know, then it shows that the relationship isn't based on trust and honesty. I know you've turned over a new leaf, but this is an atom bomb waiting to go off.

[bpm103]

When I look at her I think she is pretty... definitely an attractive woman (30 years old). But I don't want to tear her clothes off... never have wanted that... I feel like that is necessary... that passion. I find other women much more attractive... I also would rather watch porn than have sex with her in most cases... even now, with the depression. I still find other women sexually attractive.. but not sure if that would wear off in time... thing is, I never felt head over heels lust for my girl.

 

"I suppose you must look at it like this... if that desire never returned, could you remain in this relationship?"

 

I guess this is what I am struggling with.

[bpm103]

Yes, she knows I have been unfaithful. I came totally clean since I am trying to change my life.

[Sparkly Eyes]

How is her sex drive? How passionate and affectionate is she?

[bpm103]

She is VERY passionate... has never turned down sex and has openly stated that she feels rejected because of my lack of initiation. I have to say that I find her moaning to be annoying at times when we are together... i get sidetracked... and disinterested. ... but she would be down whenever/wherever. She loves it with me she says.

[Sparkly Eyes]

Then I'm afraid you'll have to break up with her. I do think tho that the way you feel towards her is due to some resentment rather that just not finding her sexually attractive.

 

Can I ask a question? Why did you get with her if you didn't find her very sexually attractive? and why did you stay for three years?

[bpm103]

Because she is a great person... contrary to what I have experienced in the past, I trust her and see her as a very good person... "ideal" if you will. I also recognized that she is truly beautiful so I just hoped that eventually the passion would grow. I always made excuses of why it would not be there

[Sparkly Eyes]

Well, she deserves someone who truly wants to be with her...There is no reason to drag this more than you already did.

[bpm103]

Thank you for taking the time to give your opinion worriedgirl... anyone else have thoughts?

[emma34]

I agree with worried girl.

[HeartGoesOn]

I have to agree with the others in letting her go. But, keep in mind, that grass may not be greener elsewhere.

[shandi]

I agree with everyone else. You should let her go to find someone who feels passionately about her. It hurts to love someone who is not sexually attracted to you. More than you can possibly understand. She will be hurt deeply when/if you leave but she will just grow to hate herself if you stay.

 

The thing is... when/if you leave, you're going to miss her. A lot! You know that she's an amazing person and you find her to be a beautiful person on the inside. When you leave to pursue women you find sexually attractive, you're going to find that most won't meet your needs on a non-sexual level. You'll miss her and want her back. You may even convince yourself that you love her. But... if you loved her, I really think you would have physical attraction and passion for her. You have made her more of your friend than your lover.

[testcase]

Hm I see myself getting into a semi similar situation. The girl I'm seeing now is not my "ideal" type of girl... but who is my ideal type? My "ideal" was based off my ex, and most girls I'm attracted to now share similar qualities to her. Was that my type before my ex? Don't think so, I think it became my type because I fell for my ex. I'm taking my time with my current girl, who I AM attracted to but don't have a HUGE amount of passion towards, to see if it grows. Hopefully I'll know before long, if it's not going to be there... and I won't wait as long to find out.

 

With all this said, you're always going to find people more attractive. When I was with my ex for 6 years, I saw many other girls I thought were attractive. It's just the way of the world. That doesn't mean that your current SO isn't attractive though, just that you find many people attractive. I think your problems stems from something else personally, but I think at this point you should let her go to go find someone who is passionate about her. Can I ask, do you think you're addicted to porn? If so, that might play a part in this.

[bpm103]

it's possible that I am addicted to it yes. i have cut WAY back on looking at it but I still get more enjoyment from it than her when I do endulge. she is aware of my issue with it as well. I think its tough because she is SOOO supportive ... I have made a lot of strides in life because of her and I continue to improve as a person... I am terrified to let her go and I think that is due to the fact that I am comfortable and fearful of what I may become if I leave. I know that is not the right reason to stay around but if I leave right now I know I will want her back... and she would likely take me back. I suppose I am waiting until I know for sure so I stop playing yo-yo with her feelings. I know it's not a game. This is by far the hardest thing I have ever gone through... quitting partying, dropped all my friends... all good changes - this has been the one positive in my life so I think it's understandable why Im latched on.

[The_Seeker]

Maybe, because she is always nice all of the time, and you're getting bored. That's what I think.

[1guygirl]

pls do the right thing and let this amazing beautiful woman go free...where she will have the chance to meet a man who truly loves her, fancies the pants off her, doesnt reject her sexually, doesnt cheat on her and thinks more of making love to her than whacking off to porn.

 

i dont doubt she loves you as her reason for staying with you, but her self esteem must be on the floor to put up with this crap.

 

it will be hard even for you, but you know its the right thing to do...if your mate told you his gf did what you did, you'd tell him to bail wouldnt you.

 

all the best

[shandi]

I am curious now. What exactly is it that you find unattractive? I really admire your honesty here on this thread and I would really appreciate the opportunity to see into the mind of a man no longer physically attracted to his SO. It happens all the time. Some just don't want to admit it. What is it? Is she fat? Is she low-maintenance, meaning she doesn't really spend a lot of money on her appearance? Do you want bigger breasts? Smaller ass? What is it about these other women that turns you on?

 

By the way, I loved this comment

pls do the right thing and let this amazing beautiful woman go free...where she will have the chance to meet a man who truly loves her, fancies the pants off her, doesnt reject her sexually, doesnt cheat on her and thinks more of making love to her than whacking off to porn.

[abitbroken]

She is VERY passionate... has never turned down sex and has openly stated that she feels rejected because of my lack of initiation. I have to say that I find her moaning to be annoying at times when we are together... i get sidetracked... and disinterested. ... but she would be down whenever/wherever. She loves it with me she says.

 

Communicate. Tell her it turns you on when you have quieter sex.

 

I think that most of the time if you feel nothing you should let someone go, but if you have no real drive in general and don't feel ripping ANYONE's clothes off, perhaps you should also see someone about that. If you have battled depression that can have an effect. And also, someone that sticks by you through all you have dished out to her is a rare find. I am going to be in the minority and say before you break up, address the porn issue and also see someone. You could need something nutritionally that you are lacking. Drinking, etc, could have depleted your body over time or you may need a pick me up or even also explore adding some spice to sex. After that, and you feel nothing, then let her go. But just be aware that your lack of drive might not be "because of her" but you just naturally have a low drive.

 

Also, women love non-sex contact too. if you don't hug her, etc, except during sex, that could be making her feel lonely too.

 

Anyway - so plan A? get checked . Plan b would be to let her go. She does deserve someone who didn't cheat, etc, etc, however, too., but if she apparently wants to be with you, try a first.