I can't believe this has happened

[sweety74]

Here I am again. I made some posts about a month ago, my husband and I were in the process of splitting up over a heated argument which had followed a history of incidents of arguements, him getting angry at the drop of a hat and hitting objects, throwing things, etc. We always managed to get over the incidents although each time we came very close to parting before managing to get things back on track.

 

We have had a hell of a time over the last five or so years and it has been hard to hold things together. I become quite, distant, cranky, unnaffectionate when Im under stress. Husband tries to keep in a good frame of mind so by the time Im feeling better he's nearly had enough and ready to snap, takes one upset and he's ranting and raving and throwing a wobbly and then after tears from me and silence for a few days we talk and smooth things over.

 

After our last incident where the wedding and engagement ring had been given back, we were sleeping in separate rooms until we could sort our own accommodation or what we were each going to do next. It was absolutely heartbreaking and we found out later that each one of us, although going through the motions didn't want to part. We realised how in love we both were with each other and things have been so much better ever since.

 

Until tonight

 

Things were going great, everyone was happy, we all watched a movie together, Then our oldest son(his son, my stepson, aged 15), and his friend wanted the friend to stay over - while they went accross the road, to ask his friends parents if it was okay, we needed to get our son's bed made - unfortunately he is a bedwetter and we didn't want his friend to know as he is the type of person who would tell everyone at my son's school and embarrass him.

 

So I rushed in to make the bed. my husband came in to try and get it done faster but we ended up working against each other. He became increasingly frustrated. PUshed the bed out, knowing I was in the way, jammed it against my legs. I went around to the other side of the bed and told him to calm down - he then threw the bed covers AT me. I walked out of the room and decided to just keep out of the way and let him finish the bed. He followed, trying to explain why he was getting wound up. I started sweeping the floor. He was not finished talking so grabbed the broom and threw it accross the room. I was really angry by now so I went to our room. He followed. He started talking to me in a raised voice, grabbed me by both arms, squeezed and shook me.

 

I was shocked he had done this. He carried on ranting and raving so I, grabbed him by both arms, pushed him and yelled at him to show him how it felt. He then grabbed me and flung me around towards the bed and stopped himself before he actually threw me accross the bed.

 

I was absolutely stunned at what had just happened.

 

My two rules for myself in a relationship is that no matter what the man says, if he hits me or cheats on me there are no second chances - game over.

 

So now I have to stick to my rule. Problem being We have only just found a renewed love for each other and it hurts like hell. We also have a 5 year old son, who loves his Dad to bits (he's been firm, sometimes a bit rough but never violent when disciplining our 5 year old)

I am not looking forward to shared custody - one, its not ideal for the child, two, I won't be their to protect him if my husband has an outburst and gets too rough with him. It terrifies me to think of having to leave my son alone iwith him with what he has become capable of.

 

Ive told my husband that this can't be fixed. He just kept saying over and over that he was sorry and he can't believe he let things get so out of hand. In the next breath he is trying to blame me by saying I wasn't understanding how important it was for him to get our sons bed made to hide the bed wetting sheets underneath, and that I wasnt co-operating with him. I told him if he was trying to make me feel like I deserved what happened, he could think again.

 

To clarify things, we have been a couple for 11 years, married for 9 - just about made it to the ten year mark! This is the first time he has gotten physical with me.

 

I am always criticising women who are in abusive relationships who keep going back. My opinion is that if they do it once, you leave and you don't look back.

 

Am I right? Im doing what I feel I have to do, is it the right thing? What a fricken mess. Now four peopl'es lives get turned upside down because of one mans' stupid outburst.

 

Any comments appreciated!!!!!

[SapphireNoir10]

He got physical with you over a bed?!?! I agree its unforgivable, yes you got physical back which isnt good, but that was defense, you tried to get away from the situation. The fact he would even entertain it was your fault is ridiculour.

 

I wouldnt put up with abuse again, in my experience once that line is crossed its crossed. Could you get him to go to anger management or go to counselling together and see what they say?

[lavenderdove]

I have the same rule... some abusers can change, but frankly if these uncontrolled anger incidents happen all the time and if it has now escalated to physical violence, the prognosis isn't good for the relationship, and you must consider your safety first (and your son's safety as well). You certainly didn't help matters by pushing him, but obviously this cycle with the two of you is out of control and he is showing classic signs of first starting by throwing/attacking objects, then moving up to pushing and shoving battles. This is frequently followed by slaps, then punches then moving into very serious incidents where people can get really hurt or killed. Abusive violence usually has a very clear pattern of escalation over time, and your situation is following that pattern.

 

If he cannot control his temper, then he should not have unsupervised visitation with your son, and your lawyer can help with that. Before he is allowed to see him alone, he will probably be ordered into therapy by the court to prove he is not a danger to the child. So let the court handle that, and they do represent the interests of the children.

 

I'd also suggest that you refuse to discuss this with him and visit an attorney as soon as possible and try to get one or the other of you moved out so that the friction between now and the separation doesn't lead to more violent episodes.

[lostandhurt]

Hi sweety,

It sounds like you and your husband have never really resolved many if any of the issues in your marriage. What I have read it seems that time passes and love is expressed, things are better and then the cycle starts all over again. Does that sound right? I don't see where you two have tried to really work on the core issues causing so much of these problems.

Putting his hands on you was way out of line and you should be concerned. It seems much of what happened was out of frustration. You are frustrated, he is frustrated and it comes out in these uncontrolled outbursts. You are in no way to blame for your husband being physical with you. He needs to seek help right away to figure out what is going on with him whether you divorce or not. This as much for him as everyone else in his life.

No matter what you decide I think therapy is needed for both of you apart. Relationship skills just don't happen and conflict resolution when things don't go well is a very good skill to have. All to often we let things go and never fix anything until it is to late.

Since you have a son together I don't think it will help your relationship, divorced or otherwise to accuse your husband through a lawyer or otherwise of being capable of child abuse. Tread very lightly here as this could turn very ugly very quickly and the one that will get hurt the most is your little one. Since you didn't just defend yourself and actually grabbed and pushed him he could make the same accusation. All I am saying is be very careful before you accuse him of anything.

 

I am so sorry this has come to this. It is a very sad ending if that is what it comes to. Hopefully he will seek help and be the man he wants to be.

 

Lost

[sweety74]

Thanks everyone your words are very helpful. Im not intending to make custody difficult in any way, my husband is generally a good Dad and my little one adores him and actually has said that he likes the fact his dad "growls at him when he is naughty" he obviously appreciates that there are boundaries for him that he must adhere to and that gives him stability. Ive told my husband on many occasions that he should consider going to anger management but he has never seen this as an option. Making excuses for his behaviour and trying to shift blame is what he is capable of at the moment.

 

I agree to that I probably need to speak to someone to adress issues from the relationship too.

 

This is just an awful situation where someone has done something, that means the relationship must end. Amazing how a marriage can be over in a split second - granted there is some history here that has let up to this.

[lavenderdove]

>>I won't be their to protect him if my husband has an outburst and gets too rough with him. It terrifies me to think of having to leave my son alone iwith him with what he has become capable of.

 

If this is true, then i think you do need to talk to the court about him getting counseling and having the doctor evaulate whether his outbursts are such that he shouldn't have unsupervised visitation until he has control of his anger and has positive ways to express himself that don't involve verbal abuse or violence. It is not about depriving your husband of the right to see his child, but about protecting your child while still allowing your husband 'safe' access to him. Perhaps if he is ordered into therapy for his anger in order to see his son, it will do him a lot of good and help him realize these adult temper tantrums and physical violence against objects and people and his son are not appropriate.

[lostandhurt]

sweety,

"This is just an awful situation where someone has done something, that means the relationship must end. Amazing how a marriage can be over in a split second - granted there is some history here that has let up to this."

 

Don't paint yourself into a corner with absolutes. Take this terrible situation one day at a time and make your choices as things unfold. It will help you navigate through all this more smoothly with less stress. If you force yourself into doing something because you feel you have to even if you don't want to it can cause a lot of regret and emotional grief later on.

 

I think it would be best for you to find a therapist right away to talk things over with. Seek one out as well for your little one as divorce is especially hard on them.

 

Best wishes

Lost

[sweety74]

I may just do that - luckily I have two weeks holidays right now so is a good time to get some outside help and make some decisions and have them in place before work starts again. I just can't see myself getting past what has happened this time - All I think about my husband now is that he is just a complete bully and I don't really want to be around him. He is not here today but I know he will expect me to do all the wifely things while Im still in the house like cook for him, prepare his lunch each day for work, etc... I don't think I should. I don't know what the etiquette is here!!!!????!!!

[lavenderdove]

You have to do what you feel is right right now... and that doesn't mean being a good little 'wifey' if he's just roughed you up. In fact the WORST thing you can do is try to act like everything is fine when something horrible has happened, because that just sweeps the problem under the rug to rear it's ugly head later.

 

I think you should call a counselor and make an appointment to get professional advice on whether you can or even should stay in this marriage...

[sweety74]

Thanks Poppa! You are spot on with some of that information which I didn't even mention in my post.

 

My husbands father raised his sons - all five with violence. My husband told me stories when we frst got together about incidents where the kids were just mucking around, the Dad got angry and started beating the crap out of one of them. At one stage when My husband was 15yrs of age, the Dad started laying into my husbands younger brother who would have been 12 at the time. My husband got so angry at his father and wanted to protect his little brother so he jumped onto his dad, starting hitting him and blacked out waking up only to realised he'd been beating his Dad. That Day my husband took his two younger brothers and moved out into a flat.

 

What amazed me about my husband and what I told him, was what a kind, loving, upbeat person he was despite all this. Now I feel tricked, lke that was all an act just to put the right impression accross at the beginning of the relationship, and now, when we are almost ten years into the marriage, with a child, the real person emerges. So not fair!

 

Whenver we would have little tiffs (before the throwing of things started happening) he would bring up the "poor me, my Dad was a horrible Dad" scenario - I got sick of it to be honest, bad things happen to everyone you can't spend your life feeling sorry for yourself about it. I did tell him I felt this way too - before I suggested counselling again.

 

I listend to his stories and gave him my sympathy, and suggested he should look at counselling. Otherwise I feel that I counselled him through this. My husband still had a relationship with his Dad as an adult, but not the type that is an ideal father son relationship. Visits to his Dads house, were prearranged, very awkward and very short. The father and his partner were constantly trying to interfere in all of their sons lives, although they had done a crap job of raising them and didn't even deserve to have them still in their lives.

 

Whenever my husband has been what I would consider unreasonable or a bit too firm with his discipline of the children, I have told him what I think and he has said - "well if I had done that when I was a kid I would have had my ass kicked and been thrown accross the room - they should consider themselves lucky Im not doing that to them" - what kind of attitude is that????

 

Everything that happened that night happened so fast, what is confusing me the most, is that he is saying that when I grabbed him and shook him the same way that he did to me, it gave him a fright, he was trying to get me away from him as he thought I was attacking him. Is this really abuse or just a heated argument that went too far that we are both responsible for?

 

He is saying that he took things too far, that I deserve better, that he knows I told him when we first met that I would not stand for cheating or abuse. He has resigned himself to the fact that its over. There are no tears, no offers to do whatever it takes to make things right, although I know those are all the common patterns of an abuser, its probably a good thing he's not trying to get me to take him back, but I thought he might make some kind of a fight to save us.

 

Ive told him that for the sake of the next person he wants to have a relationship with he needs to get counselling. He hasn't offered to do that for me so Im feeling that perhaps Im not worth doing that for? Im sounding like an abused person aren't I?

[Applewhite]

While making your decision, you might be interested in thinking about how it will affect your child now and in the future. Of course it is not easy on a child when parents divorce and if you ask the child whether he wants this he may very well say no. However if you stay - and if this continues - down the road you could endanger or even completely lose your relationship with your kid.

[lavenderdove]

OK, the one thing he is not agreeing to do here is the only thing that might fix this, which is going to counseling and actually changing.

 

Giving you an EXCUSE (my father was horrible) for his behavior doesn't change it. In fact, people who give you excuses and don't give you actions showing they've changed are more interested in pacifying you and staying the same than they are in changing their own behavior. If he thought what he did was really wrong, he'd be willing to go to counseling to fix himself and the problem.

 

So the ONLY thing you should possibly listen to here is if he agrees to go to counseling. Then you have to see him actually change and follow the advice of the counselor rather than roughing you up and giving you excuses about his horrible father.

 

And it is NO excuse to say something is OK becuase it is less abusive than his father, when his behavior is still abusive. He needs to take responsibility for the fact than any form of abuse is not acceptable, and that he has to own his own behavior and not use his father as an excuse for his own bad behavior. If it's bad behavior, he need to to stop it, not convince he has a good reason for it and hence it is OK>

[sweety74]

Yes I do find it extremelly helpful, I really appreciate the people who have taken the time to answer especially as my threads are so lengthy!!!

[sweety74]

Im now myself, floating between being absolute about the break up and starting to plan where my son and I will live, how I will manage financially etc, its kind of exciting, thinking of a new start, and being able to make decisions without consulting someone else, having my home set up the way I want it, being able to participate in hobbies and activities without feeling guilty that I may be neglecting my husband - still with that niggly thought of "does it really have to end"? Im losing my resolve. Husband just came in and asked if it was okay to keep sleeping in the same bed, we have done for the last three nights since the disagreement except the one night i went to my mothers for the night. I guess we should be getting ourselves used to how things will be when we part and not sleeping in the same room, but it feels better to have someone there even if it is the person thats hurting you.

Last time we had an argument he immediately started sleeping in the lounge. Am I about to be "reeled back in" and should I allow myself to be? Why am I event contemplating it??? I'm even putting off going to the Lawyers to start divorce proceedings but I know I should. I know the longer we linger in a state of acting like everything is normal apart from barely speaking to one another, not being intimate and me not doing all the usual wifely tasks like making his lunch etc. there is more chance of things coming back together without anything real being done to fix the underlying issues.

 

He's still coming home from work, trying to have a conversation with me, Ive been giving one word answers, I just don't feel we should be "playing nice" and acting like things are okay, because I for one am very angry that Ive been put in this horrible position, because of his temper.... Im mostly angry that he's not even sad about what's happening - I don't think hes had any tears, talked to anyone, had any thoughts as to whether he can make this better. Needless to say, I am the one who has said to him the night it happened "this isn't fixable"

[lostandhurt]

Sweety,

There is nothing exciting about divorce. Trust me. If you want a divorce to be free then divorce him but don't think it will be exciting. You will struggle, he will struggle and your child will struggle. Divorce and its aftermath are no fun.

 

Your husband may have a reason for his behavoir but he doesn't have an excuse. Sons do absorb a great deal from their fathers whether they want to or not and it takes time and work to learn and keep those demons at bay. have you asked him if he is willing to get into long term counseling to help him not be like his father? Many men simply will not make that leap without help. Ego and pride will hold them back until things are so bad there seems no other option. This is why many men will not go see their doctor for a simple check up.

 

I have one more thing: Both my parents were alcoholics and I had thought I came through my childhood pretty unscathed by that fact until I was about 40 yrs old! I wasn't damaged badly but there were a few things that affected my relationships that I could never figure out where it was coming from so I treated the symptoms and not the cause for years and years. If you do love this man maybe you could help him find his way to get help so he can be a better father, brother and husband whether or not you divorce or not. You probably know him better that anyone in his life. Personally I do not think he was putting on an act, he simply needs help. There is no excuse for being physical no matter the cause. He needs to get help for himself and his family.

 

I truly hope he does

 

Lost

[sweety74]

Thanks lost and hurt - I'm really trying not to take this all too lightly. Every time we have an upset I think "Is this serious enough to end the marriage? Is this so bad that our son will be living away from his father? Is this worth trying to resolve? Have I thought things through? Have I blown everything out of proportion to make myself feel self-righteous?

 

I have mentioned counselling/anger management just about every time something happens. I guess he doesn't think he needs that kind of help. Or, like usual, it would take searching through the phone book, making an appointment, taking time off work, telling a complete stranger details about his life, being told what to do - all too hard I guess. In our relationship I have always dealt with things that require dealing with organisations, paperwork, making appoinments, paying bills etc. because he doesn't know what to do so he finds it easier to let me do it.

 

I'm dissapointed that he hasn't taken the initiative and decided to seek the help himself. He might do in on his own when we are apart but that will be too late and if so, I hope it means his next relationship will be successful.

 

I'm doing a silly thing and hoping that during the time we have to be in the house together it might just OCCUR to him that Hey, I could save my marriage if I was willing to put some effort in and go out of my comfort zone and seek counselling.

I want him to make the offer and make the first step towards this, not me to have to be the one to initiate it all. To me that would indicate to me that he thinks Im worth it - if not then he will just be asking me to to stay and continue the same cycle, as if that is all I and our kids deserve.

 

I don't want another 10 years of being in a rollercoaster ride of a relationship.

 

That's me this morning, by tonight I will probably be indecisive again. At present its nice to be sitting in the lounge together (not speaking of course), not being in bed alone, and having all the normal household routines going on. We can both put the fact we are splitting out of our minds, but when the crunch comes and we go separate ways I know it will be rough.

 

 

I thank all of you that have taken time to reply to me, not just once, but many times and it is helping so I hope you will continue to post your advice and thoughts, Everything everyone is saying makes sense.

 

I just wish I either had a time machine to go back and have this latest drama not happen at all, or a crystal ball to tell me it was not going to happen again!!!!

[lostandhurt]

sweety,

There is something I often tell people....or ask really. The question is: "Who is the most important person in your life?" (besides children the answer should be my wife/husband) Then I ask them: "Then why don't you treat them like they are the most important person in your life?" This usually gets a stunned look as they look inward for the answer which needs no answer other to themselves.

 

Can you put your ego and pride aside one more time to try and help your husband get the help he needs? I was finished helping my parents try and quit drinking but my father was willing but couldn't make the step he needed to get to a place that could help him. My sisters and I made the arrangements but didn't force him to go. I drove him to the facility and he didn't want to go in saying he could do it on his own. I knew he was scared but I also knew he would die without help. I told him: "either you go in or you loose your children as we will no longer watch you kill yourself slowly" I was serious and he knew it.

Men are not women. We allow pride and ego to run our lives and it can ruin everything. I know this man you married means a lot to you and your son. If you were to help find someone for him to see would that be such a bad thing? If you were to help him get better would you be a bad person? He has some issues and not unlike a medical condition they need to be treated by an expert. If he had cancer you would help him even if he didn't want it because you know he would die without your help. Sweety your marriage is about to die if you do not help him find his way.

I am not saying you should drive him to the appointments and wait outside to make sure he goes in and stays in but sometimes people that need help, need someone that loves them to find that help and see it is okay to be weak and need assistance. The way you discribed his father I am sure he was taught that asking for help meant you were weak and real men don't ask for help. This stuff gets engrained deep inside a young boy and it is tough to break that way of thinking. I know all to well of what I speak of.

 

Ending your marriage with no regrets is a gift for you that you will always cherish......

 

Lost

[sweety74]

thanks lost and hurt I will certainly give that some thought and I do admit pride may be a factor here. And when you say that you should treat your husband/wife like they are the most important thing in your life - well, I did for many years until I started feeling taken for granted and slowly lessened my efforts - you get what you give, right? Over the last few years, I have felt that I am in his life to provide the things that he needs to be happy in life, regardless of what my needs and wants are - a bit of a one way street - and that I have failed in this which is why he has started treating me badly, however I don't get the feeling that he understands that I am in the marriage to be part of his life as well as have my own identity too. He has decided to go away this weekend to 'clear his head' I have encouraged that he does do this. He will be going to stay with his brother who he is very close to and has missed dearly since he moved 8 hours away from where we live; they grew up together, lived together from the age of about 15, and were always living just a few minutes away. It hurt him a lot when his brother moved away, so it will be good for him to spend some time with someone he is close to, talk things out and be with someone who can comfort him.

 

Should he decide, while he is away that he wants some help I will make sure I support him in finding the help he needs. I am going to suggest he sees a GP- I would hate it if there was a serious medical reason for his behaviour

[sweety74]

Thanks Poppa. thanks to everyone. This forum is really helping me straighten things out in my mind, Im appreciating all feedback.

A few other things that are part of this that I hadn't mentioned;

 

I was in a bad relationship prior to this one. That one lasted only 3.5 years and was with someone who had a drug and alcohol addiction and was perfectly nice when "medicated" but got emotionally/mentally abusive when short of a fix. Also not willing to work to contribute financially, quite happy to sit and watch while I struggled to pay for everything, eventually not able to pay for much, regularly having no food. with this one, he made a drunken threat over the phone that he couldn't even remember the next day, and I ended the relationship over that. I promised myself that i wouldn't settle for this kind of treatment again.

 

Secondly, my husband and I had a period of time when his father had offered for us to live in his basement, so that we could save some money as he was worried that we were being talked into some dodgey house buying deal by his brother and wanted to see us save some money and buy right. I was totally against this arrangement, given the volatile relationship between my husband and his Dad, and the friction with the stepmother who was opinionated and loved to interfere in other people's business.

Conditions of living with his Father and Stepmother - we cook dinner once a week, and my husband had to sell his truck which was his pride and joy, as a way to get some money for a deposit for a house. As I was about to leave work to have our child, I let my husband make the decision and we did go and live with them. Their constant interference in our lives led us to make a hasty exit from that situation with no where to go (we spent a week living on a friend's couch until we could find another place)

 

After that we lived in a small farm cottage which was one of the nicest places we had lived in, apart from a small issue with storage as it was only a two bedroom with no garage.

 

Next, the brilliant scheme of his brothers - brother buys a house, we live in it, pay rent, pay for renovation materials do the place up, he sells it, we get the profit up to a set maximum, which would allow us to buy a house

 

By now we had a newborn son, when he slept, I stripped lino, wallpaper, demolished shelving, painted, you name it. I stayed anywhere from 10pm to 12pm sometimes 1 or 2 in the morning waiting for my husband to get home to make sure he had a hot dinner. Most of the time dinner was a pie or two or a few fishcakes - things were tight.

 

I wasn't working, Husband worked night and day, up to 17 hours at one point, this allowed enough money to pay the rent, pay bills, pay for a small amount of food. Very rarely was there any money available for renovation materials to complete this big scheme of his brothers. Husband was emaciated, exhausted and under a lot of stress as the house had to be completed over twelve months. In the last six weeks of the deal we finally had enough money to do any work, so it was a major rush, the brother wasn't really happy with the work that had been completed, rather than stripping the wallpaper and painting the place, he would have preferred us to put a new kitchen in and leave everything else as it was - at our expense. He offered us a minimal amount, words were spoken, lawyers were brought up, but in the end we walked out with enough for a small deposit on a very cheap house which is why we brought in the town we are in now.

 

During that very bad year with the brother in law's house and the working up to 17 hours a day, I can't recall my husband ever throwring a tantrum of any kind - perhaps to tired or too occupied????

 

I just thought some of this information might be relevant to his current state of mind.

[sweety74]

Thank you Poppa, Thank you SO MUCH for all your responses - Its like Im slowly unravelling a puzzle and may just realise that there is more to it than I first thought.

 

I too found him to be remarkable when we first met - His father, to me was just a tyrant and a bully and for my husband to even allow him to remain part of his life is something his father should have been very grateful for. Yes I have painted quite a bad picture of him, but there are things he has gone through that would have broken the best of men.

 

His son to his first partner, was born premature, not breathing, they thought they would lose him. Was born nicotine dependent and screamed for the entire time he was awake, could not be fed normally, had to be fed by tubes, his partner didn't work and he made sure she had everything she needed and wanted even if it meant he went without. My husband left when his son was around the age of two and his ex made custody difficult, it was a nasty court battle etc. he got the short end of the stick and got fortnightly access which was less than what he would have liked. His temper was the main reason as his ex had recorded every single incident, day date, etc. and raised every issue in court.

 

Hes got through all this with a pretty good outlook on life.

 

If you could just take away this temper problem, he would indeed be the perfect man. This latest incident is the FIRST time out of all his outbursts he has said "I mucked up" "I went too far" "there is no excuse for what I have done" " I need to sort myself out". All the other times he has reiterated why he lashed out as if he had no other option. He has never apologised nor seen that the behaviour is abnormal.

 

He does have the black and white attitude to things. If he doesn't like someone - he doesn't like them. Whenever he has had arguements with his ex, its always her fault. It has taken me several attempts at times to get him to see the other point of view and over the years, their relationship has become much better - from them yelling at each other over the phone over certain things to do with their son, to actually being able to have rational conversations and do what is best for the son, instead of worrying about their personal attitudes to each other and who is right or wrong or the better parent. So here, I thought there was some progress.

 

 

I'm not sure about the mirroring thing. To be honest with you, I can't remember what the first six months of our relationship was like. When we first met, he knew that I had been in a bad relationship. My husband was boarding with a good friend of mine, and i spent quite a bit of time at her place. We would be sitting around her table having drinks, talking about my partner at the time and his latest bad behaviour. When my husband found out I was single again, He asked to come over for coffee and we had a few meetings for coffee and a few walks in the park "as friends" My friend phoned me and told me that he had feelings for me and that he had said that he "just wanted to hold me" and that "he didn't want any guy to come along and mess with my head again" When we did get together, we sat together for a long time, with him just holding me and he kept saying how good it felt. During our first few months together, I would catch him staring at me and he would almost be in tears and say "you are so beautiful" Our embraces would be so filled with emotion that I would nearly cry. We went away most weekends, stayed in nice hotels, or went camping, we had a great time with no responsibilities, just us.

 

Since marriage, children, the arrival of a fifteen year old stepson with his own set of problems, life isn't so carefree and we have both changed.

 

I also havent told you much about myself in all of this. When we first met, I was so happy that this good looking, nice guy, wanted ME. As far as I was concerned he could have had anyone and he chose me. I was all over him, loving, caring, responsive to his romantic gestures - leaving little lovenotes in his lunchbox, vehicle, putting silly valentines gifts in his bag on Valentines day even though we had agreed not to do valentines, It was like a fairytale.

 

As life has become more difficult, I have gone into "survival mode" simply existing to make sure the bills are paid, everyone is fed, I get to work each day, etc.. etc.. The romance has totally gone except for when I force myself to make some time to have a nice evening just to keep him happy as I can sense when he is starting to get annoyed that there has been no "us time" and I am almost incapable really of showing much affection - I don't know why - I do know that each time he has one of his outbursts, I become more emotionally detached from him, as if Im preparing for a break-up and shutting my feelings down. So when things come right, it takes a while for the feelings to come back, and they never come completely back as their is still anger their and still unresolved issues.

 

He has to come to me for affection - I very rarely initiate. Most of the time its a quick hug and a quick brush off from me as Im busy doing housework. Housework must be done before I can relax. If housework is being delayed by people interupting me, I get cranky and everyone in the house knows about it. (I don't get loud or violent with my crankiness but I still manage to make everyone feel uncomfortable and like they should get out of my way or better still, out of the house!)

 

Sitting watching TV, if my husband scratches his whiskers, spends to much time scratching himself or god forbid, scratches around rolling himself a cigarette - he gets the look of death from me.

 

 

I like the house and gardens to be immaculate. I can't stand the slightest bit of mess. When we have open homes when the house is on the market i am even more fussy and god help anyone who puts anything out of place half an our before the open home!!!

 

I know these are wrong behaviours too, but I can't change. Im trying too, but its hard!!! Maybe Im the BPDer!!

 

Other than that I try to be a good and supportive wife, but I do tend to focus on the things I want out of life especially the things that aren't happening like the overseas travel I have wanted to do for the last 20 years but never done for one reason or another (being married and a mum makes it more difficult now but is not the reason I havent done it), the study I want to do to better myself, the fact my figure and face have changed, it all gets to me and makes me probably withdraw into myself and try and focus on how I can make these things happen as well as making things better for my family - getting us out of this nowhere town and into a better situation.

 

He has more simple needs, just wants to be happy and loved. AND get out of this horrible town and make some decent money and have a good life.

 

I tend to think I have a hormone imbalance which makes me overly irritable and I have been intending to try a supplement to deal with this, but haven't quite had the spare money.

 

Thats just some examples - I shouldn't be painting myself as a saint in all this.

[turnera]

I just want to point out that the #1 problem I've seen with women and men is that women want their man to 'get it' - to figure out what the woman is thinking, and therefore 'show' their love by doing what the woman is wanting. "If he'd just do that one thing I want, I'd KNOW he loves me.'

 

Meanwhile, the guy is thinking "WTH does she want? I'm so confused!"

 

Sure, in a romance novel world, he would 'get it' and realize he should offer counseling. But he has now been told he's dead in your eyes and is being kicked out. He listens to your REAL words, not your thoughts. If you want him to do counseling, to give your marriage one last shot - for the sake of the kids - then get your head out of the clouds and just tell him.

[sweety74]

Thanks Turnera, its good to have a dose of reality. He has gone away for a few days to "clear his head" I'm going to give him that space to think about things, when he returns if we are able to have a rational conversation I can only ask that he considers seeking some help in order for us to see if we can work things out.

 

I

[lavenderdove]

The important thing to remember here is that you KNOW he needs help, and if he is SERIOUS about changing, he will agree to go to counseling with you. I would proceed with the divorce if he refuses to go to counseling, because otherwise you are colluding with him and accepting that he is "OK" and doesn't need help or need to change. Many people stuck in these abusive cycles think the stage in the cycle (i.e., honeymoon phase, or not active abuse at a given point in time) means it is 'fixed', but really is only just cycling thru the phases and will be back again.

 

An intervention and change in the cycle is only obtained by consulting professionals, following a program to change, and zero tolerance for any abusive incidents.

[sweety74]

thanks lavenderdove, that's the path I intend to follow. I can only see a reconciliation happening if both of us are prepared to get some outside help. Of course its his decision too, while he has been away he may have decided he does'nt want to sort things out. If that's the case, then I think a split will be for the best.

 

I don't feel that Im proceeding with a split to "teach him a lesson" When I was a lot younger I did that in a previous relationship and it backfired horribly. I know this will be final when it happens.

 

I think the fact that Im not missing him while he's away, I feel happier, relaxed, am starting to realise the possibilities for me on my own - so much I have wanted to do but have put off because he has talked me out of it, or complained Im not spending enough time with him, or because the demands of the family just don't allow any time for me to focus on hobbies or socialising. I feel freed. I really do. I've been completely exhausted over these past few years with all the stresses that life has brought. Too exhausted to focus on the relationship and too exhausted to absorb the reality of it ending and to feel anything about it.

 

I know this might be a short term feeling and once the reality of signing for divorce, packing our belongings and going our separate ways kicks in, there will be more tears and no going back.

 

I must say Im more sad about my son losing his Dad on a full-time basis than I am about myself and my husband parting. That says it all really.

 

Whether thats just because I have a lot of anger towards him still or have just done a really great job or numbing or switching off my feelings I don't know.

[sweety74]

Thanks Poppa, Im quite glad about that. I think his temper and tantrums unfortunately are a learned behaviour that he is convinced is acceptable. He seems to feel that he has the right to treat his family how he sees fit if they aren't behaving in a way that is acceptable to him.

 

I havent even gone into how he has treated his own son over the years. He may just get in the way at the wrong time and would be pushed so hard he would fall over. He would grab his son around the throat when he got frustrated with him, just to "give him a fright" and wake him up as unfortunately his son is very slow and not very bright, and does annoy all of us with his lack of common sense - he is truly one of those ones with "the lights on and nobody home" As I was not his natural parent I did not protect my stepson as well as i should have, but have always told my husband its not right.

 

once our own son was "being a little sh** because he was upset in the night and keeping my husband awake. Somehow they both were in the laundry room, maybe our son was going to the toilet I don't know. But he was out there howling, instead of trying to find out what was wrong, my husband just yelled at our then 2 year old to "shut the **** up" grabbed him and pushed him down so that he hit his head on the washing machine. Absolutely no remorse or worry that he may have hurt his son, it was simply that our child was being a brat by keeping him awake and he needed to learn it was not on. He could not see how this was wrong.

 

These are the types of things that are coming to mind when Im thinking back about time spent with my husband. I find that he is quite simply just a bully these days. There is no point getting sad and thinking about the good times because they were like a whole other lifetime and now all I have to think on is what has gone on over the last few years. Its just been constantly him getting wound up and taking it out on the family. In the same way when I get stressed I get a bit short with everyone or at times, if busy and feeling stressed, the wrong person to walk in will get yelled out to LEAVE ME ALONE!!! (except my husband if I did that to him he would never forgive me - yet its okay for him to behave how he wants to)

 

Its like he has this old fashioned view that the man is the king of the house and the wife and family do as they are told. The wife is to be happy all the time, loving all the time, wanting intimacy all the time, and have no complaints about managing most of the household tasks as well as working.

 

An example the thing that led to this argument. The stepson's bed needed to be made within a space of about five minutes while he and his friend went to ask the friends parents if it was okay for him to stay. All to cover up the fact the stepson was a bedwetter and save him some embarrassment.

 

Husband didn't think I was making the bed fast enough, came to "help" ended up making things more difficult, thought I was making things more difficult. Hiffed two quilts at me, followed me around the house to continue the argument he started, and his main gripe was that I hadn't showed him the respect he deserved by stopping and standing there and letting him explain to me what was making him angry. No acceptance of the fact he had showed me very little respect by throwing things at me...

 

If the throwing of the quilts was where it ended, I wouldn't be ending the marriage but I certainly still wouldn't be happy with him. There was a time where he just never would have done that because he thought I deserved better.

 

I can just see from what Im writing that this relationship is not good.