Analogy of a recovering dumpee. Hope this helps.

[tryintosurvive]

I think when your dumped you try so hard to analyze the situation that you just drive yourself nuts. Sometimes you have to put yourself in the dumpers shoes as hard as that is. If you are the dumper, think about you being involved with someone that in your mind has changed. As the dumper, think about maybe how something in YOU has changed and you just feel like you need to move on with your life and leave that one you did care about at one time behind. I've done it. I have been the dumper before. It's not hard like being the dumpee. And boy did I ever find out how hard playing the dumpee is!!!!! We're powerless. Constantly looking for answers to why, why, why? When I was the dumper I just wanted out. I was on a mission for happiness and left destruction behind. The dumper wants to be happy. Unfortunately their happiness occurs months before the dumpee because the dumper already has the answers to the breakup. The dumpee doesn't. The dumpee has no prep time and often no warning that they are to be discarded forever. Unfortunately, it's just the way the process goes and you have to accept it. And accepting it is the hard part. You want to bargain with the dumper, make concessions, promise change etc. But to the dumper their mind is made up and was long before you knew. The dumper doesn't wanna hurt you. But honestly....would you wanna be with someone the rest of your life that didn't make you happy? I wouldn't. I'd wanna find someone that did.

 

So how did I finally as the dumpee move on with my life? TIME. Yes, it's not proverbial crap, its the truth I found out. I didn't wanna believe it though. I never thought I would quit crying every day. But in a few months I went from crying every day, to a few times a week, to just that quiet Sunday after church, to once every two weeks, to now which is almost nil. Do i get choked up on a memory every now and then and get a lump in my throat and tear up?

Sure. However the massive pain is gone. In time you eventually stop replaying "what if" scenarios in your head. In time you realize you can't make someone love you like you want to be loved. In time you realize you don't have the power to influence the way people feel. People feel how they feel because its as simple as that. People will leave you because something has changed in their human desires. Dumpees are powerless to change that. Accept it. Accept it. Accept it. You HAVE to! Your still the awesome person you were and always will be. And honestly.....do you REALLY want to be with someone that does not reciprocate your love 100% ? Not me! But ya know what.....there is someone out there for you that does. Thats a promise!!

 

Here is what I do every day now. And my having a new girlfriend doesn't mean a thing. She is wonderful to be around, but when were apart I still have to be happy with me. I'm almost 100% there with alone time with just me. Ok so, I go to the gym twice a week. I work out for 1.5 hours. Strictly chest, bi's and tri's. Being buff does wonders for my ego. If your overweight there is absolutely no ego boost like getting to the gym and transforming yourself. Make it a mission to be physically fit. You will fall in love with being you all over again. AND, people will notice! Thats a huge plus for the ego!!! I eat plenty of fruits and veggies every day. The body tells the brain thanks for keeping me young, healthy and feeling great. I go to the grocery a few times a week and just buy a few things at a time. That gets me outta the house too. I play guitar, work in the yard. Anything that makes me feel good about me.

 

What this whole process involves after being dumped is reprogramming our brains to that place where we all have been before. We were all once single and happy. We were all at that early stage in life where we had no baggage. Wasn't that great? However a broken relationship can poison the mind into thinking that being in a relationship somehow validated our existence. Well thats crap! However it did hurt our feelings and leave us feeling powerless but we do recover. Thats been proven here time and time again. Here's an analogy. You were once a brand new shiny car. Some other car pulled out in front of you and you were smashed to bits. The other car.....just fine. I took the time to find the best body shop and get repaired. I guess I could have sold myself for scrap. But with a lot of tender care I came out even shinier and better than brand new.

 

I'm glad I went to the bodyshop.

 

By the way, I think about the quote below in my signature at least once a day. All dumpees should.

[SapphireNoir10]

This is a good post. Thanks for sharing.

[PrettyGood]

Ok but what do you advise for girls and women?

[Nappeal]

I think that his advice works for either male or female.

 

Thank you for this post; I agree that as dumpees we often over analyze and over question the BU. Its unhealthy and will literally drive one insane. But, if you take your shoes out of the place of the dumpee and step foot in the shoes of the dumper, the explaination for the BU may be clearer. In my case, my ex and I just sort of drifted apart. When he finally broke up w me, I felt surprised. I felt like he was being such a * * * * * - a BU over text w 'it won't work?!!?!'. The reality is that I felt the change months before, but for whatever reason, whatever reason, I just didn't see the relationship ending. He did. It wasn't a true surprise for him because he had been feeling the strain for months. Finally breaking up w me was like 'ugh I just want this to be over now'. Dumpers have time to think about things; get over things; rationalize things, LONG before we catch on. Its not fair to the dumpee, but putting yourself in the dumpers shoes makes it a lot more 'udnerstandable'.

[tryintosurvive]

Ok but what do you advise for girls and women?

 

Im not sure I'm qualified to answer that. There is a girl here named JennBenn (i think) that just posted how she got over her issues. Maybe she'll see this and answer you here.

 

By the way, I don't want anyone to think that some magic has cured me. At 41 years old, boy do I have some baggage! Divorced, childless, had two miscarriages, girlfriends that broke my heart etc. I won't ever forget what I went through in life. I have learned to acknowledge it and deal with it though.

I focus on the good. My health, my physique that I work hard to maintain and take pride in, my faith in God, friends, my talents etc. I realized ya know, my X girlfriend fell in love with me and all my attributes. And ya know what? I'm still that same guy. However with her and all her drama I realized I just no longer fit her needs anymore. Hey........it happens!! We as dumpees are powerless over that. After all the shock, crying, anger, stress, loss of sleep, questioning, obsessing etc, one day you just realize crap happens! She changed. Not me. This way of thinking took a few months to actually sink in. And no lie, it was a long and painful journey. There are a few things I really miss about her and always will. I flat out just decided to forgive her for the pain, love her for what she once gave me at a time in my life when I needed it, and accept the fact of where I am today. I have hurt people in my life and people have hurt me. I have found peace in asking for forgiveness as well as giving it. It's one big circle. Sorry, I'm rambling.

[Staple]

Thanks for the wonderful advice.

 

It would be easier if I could find someone else to be with. Being single and alone (I have a lot of friends but you know that's not the same) is difficult especially when I know that she isn't experiencing that kind of lonliness and pain.

[mominmaine]

And honestly.....do you REALLY want to be with someone that does not reciprocate your love 100% ?

 

Such a simple concept, yet, worth repeating. Thanks.

[sunday2010]

Thanks for the wonderful advice.

 

It would be easier if I could find someone else to be with. Being single and alone (I have a lot of friends but you know that's not the same) is difficult especially when I know that she isn't experiencing that kind of lonliness and pain.

 

I agree I just want to find another SO and just develop another relationship.I hate being single and lonely..it really sucks.

[tryintosurvive]

Thanks. I hope I can help just one person see something in this. I also want to add that NC is an absolute must. I'd be lying if I'd say I never wonder if the flashing red light on my phone is my X or not. It's weird. I want it to be, yet I fear it more than anything in the world. Just one of those crazy emotions right now. I'm sure in time that will go away too. Its one of those things where ya wanna know if they are still human enough to care about whether or not your healing, yet at the same time your terrified that if it truly is them they just sent you back to square one! Arrggh! But I have not once broken NC and honestly have no desire. Truly, no desire. I guess as humans we want to be loved and missed thats all.

 

For those of you that are still single you have to hang in there. You WILL find love again. In my case it found me when I wasn't quite ready. Always remember that your X loved all your great qualities at one time. And just think, there were probably some people you never knew were interested in you too when you were already taken! Well, now is there chance. Be patient friends, it will happen.

[sunday2010]

when did you breakup and whne did you find another relationship?

[PaleSeptember]

The reality is that I felt the change months before, but for whatever reason, whatever reason, I just didn't see the relationship ending. He did. It wasn't a true surprise for him because he had been feeling the strain for months. Finally breaking up w me was like 'ugh I just want this to be over now'. Dumpers have time to think about things; get over things; rationalize things, LONG before we catch on. Its not fair to the dumpee, but putting yourself in the dumpers shoes makes it a lot more 'udnerstandable'.

 

Yep, this is what happened to me. The relationship started getting strained about four or five months ago, our communication started breaking down due to my insecurities and escalating dependencies, becoming b****y all the time, and he even told me to my face he was getting fed up with it. I was just like, ok it'll be ok, don't worry, I'll work on it, we'll work on it. Then when he broke up with me he was like, are you really surprised? Yes, I was. He also told me he thought the issues sped up the break up process, that it would have happened anyway because he wants his freedom and to be independent again, but I feel if the communication breakdown and my escalated insecurities didn't put a strain on us, we'd still be together. So it does make things more understandable to me.

[tryintosurvive]

when did you breakup and whne did you find another relationship?

 

She moved back to her home state in April. I started going back to church in May and met my new girlfriend around the end of May. I joined a new bible study class. Everyone emailed me the next day welcoming me. She and I exchanged a few emails that week which led from how we came to be in that class to how we came to where we are in our lives and we had some stuff in common. She was the one who asked me out for coffee. Here we are 3 months later in love with each other. But it was a slow process because I told her what I was going through and she was ok with that. I was in no mood for romance. Just female companionship. It was a friendship that blossomed into something I never dreamed of. But I want to stress that she did NOT heal me. Nobody can do that for you. I had to heal myself doing what I described in this thread. I can't stress that enough.

[abigheart]

This was such a great post. I've had one of the worst weeks since the break-up which happened 6 months ago.

 

I bookmarked it so I can read it again when I feel that sinking feeling again. Thank you.

 

Also - maybe I missed it but did you keep NC up throughout your whole break-up? What did you do whenever you found the temptation to get in contact with your ex?

[sunday2010]

This was such a great post. I've had one of the worst weeks since the break-up which happened 6 months ago.

 

I bookmarked it so I can read it again when I feel that sinking feeling again. Thank you.

 

Also - maybe I missed it but did you keep NC up throughout your whole break-up? What did you do whenever you found the temptation to get in contact with your ex?

 

I woudl like to know this too.I'm 17 weeks and have ahad a shocker of a week.But have told myself to snap out of it..

[VinnieMarlboro]

It is a good post.

 

For me , in maintaining NC- I think of the outcome/results of the contact. What am I going to achieve by contacting her?

 

Firstly - I know I'm going to be rejected again. She may well talk or listen to me, but to what degree? She doesnt really care what I say unless its something negative about her, which then starts an argument.

 

Secondly - I know she refuses to give me any answers anyway. eg - last week she rang re kids(that makes it really hard as we have to maintain contact for them). She mentions she has signed the divorce papers.

I ask 'Is this really what you want?'

Her reply 'Its happening'

Me - ' I'm fully aware of that, I'm signing them when they arrive, but it is still not what I want. Do you really want it?'

Then the arguing starts. The phone call finishes and I feel like sh*t and I have gained nothing.

 

I feel good for a short period of time as I have her attention, I still love the sound of her voice, but in the long run it puts me back in a place I dont want to be.

 

The outcome from contact, for you, is generally going to be negative. They are not going to decide to take you back over 1 phone call, especially when you have initiated it.

 

If you are going to break NC - make sure it's a day when you are feeling good.

 

I had a terrible day(above phonecall). I had the phone sitting in arms reach all day tempting me to ring - I was determined not to and was not going to under any circumstances make the call as I knew what the outcome was going to be - an argument. She rang me(kids told her I wanted her to call - which I didnt) and I thought that gave me the greenlight to go ahead.

 

This the 2nd BU with my wife(soon to be ex). I broke all the BU rules - both times. Insecurity and fear led to my controlled panic and thus actions. These have finally pushed her away far enough to 'want' a divorce, it also pushed her into the arms of another.

 

I look at what I was offering her - arguing, trust issues, stress, fear, insecurity, guilt etc

 

I then look at what New Guy was offering her - trust, security, friendship, no stress, laughs, fun etc

 

Its no wonder I lost!

[tryintosurvive]

Also - maybe I missed it but did you keep NC up throughout your whole break-up? What did you do whenever you found the temptation to get in contact with your ex?

 

Honestly I just keep thinking of how pathetic I must look to her if I were to contact her. The fact is she doesn't want me anymore. Thats why she left. Like I said, people feel how they feel. No begging or pleading from me in text, emails or phone calls will ever change that. Once I accepted that I literally deleted all emails, photos, threw away cards and basically cleaned my house totally of her memory. Believe me it wasn't easy doing that because it was like a funeral. Thats how I succeeded in my NC because I have nothing reminding me of her. I have also chosen to forgive her for hurting me. I have also chosen to love her for all the joy and good she brought into my life at a time when I so desperately needed her. I believe now that she was not "my forever woman". But at the same time she possibly saved my life when I was trying to get through accepting my recent divorce.

 

Initially once every week or so after the break up she would text me. Ask how I was doing etc. I'm not sure if it was guilt on her part. She said it wasn't. She said she wanted to be friends and to accept we had a past. Such easy things to say for the dumper isn't it? However I politely told her I had to let her go and that she had to quit texting me so I could heal. She said she was extremely sad about that but understood. Me telling her that put ME in control not her. Several weeks later I got an email straight to the point about me shipping back a few things she forgot. No how are ya or nothing. Kinda made me feel good because I think in a way she knew she lost control of me. It was kinda nice. So now I feel like I have the power. Besides, why would I want to remain friends? I have friends here. And why would I want to share intimate details of my new romantic life or personal struggles with her? I have a new girlfriend for that. If I didn't have a new girlfriend I have a couple of close friends here I can do that with. In my opinion it's all or nothing with me.

The people that REALLY matter are here in my life now, in the flesh. Not some cyber artificial friend through text an emails. Who the hell wants that?

 

Think about that friends. I hope it helps you with seeing what I have realized.

And again, print out my simple quote in my signature and remind yourself of that every day.